A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 8 years it has been pretty tough. My boys are from a previous marriage. my husband came into this marriage knowing how I was as a mom. I do everything a mom would do for their kids, have I made mistake absolutely!!! My boys loved him, everything was a joke until he got mad..then things started to change. When they were younger if they did something he didnt like he would want to ground them...first thing out of mouth was grounded for a month. I felt as a mom that was a little of the top. A week yes but a month. We would argue in front of them. of course they went thru their teen years, but still good kids, no drugs, not verbally disrespectful at all. Have they done wrong push the limit of course what kids havent. He says I am a better friend then a mom, which hurts my feelings because I think I am a good mom, doing the best I know how. how can he judge me when he doesnt have kids of his own. I just wish we could be on the same page....
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 June 2013):
 You've been with this man for eight years. And you made the comment that he has no kids of his own? What do you consider your kids to be to him, then? According to how I see things, he's got two kids also. He may not be the biological father, but coming from a gay women's perspective (me) and having dated a woman with a son and had a very long-term, committed relationship with her, her kid became like my own. And once we agreed to move in together, I took on pretty much a full-time parental role. Of course, the law wouldn't recognize any legal guardian rights to me seeing as how I can't get married. But according to the significance of our relationship, we were both the parents. And we agreed on punishments and disciplines together. In fact, she usually gave me free reign to discipline him how I felt suited. Why? Because he was like my child. I picked him up from school and took him to sporting practice. I taught him how to read and did his homework with him. I went outside and threw the football with him and played soccer. I did the things a PARENT would do. I still see him that way to this day, despite us having split up. I still see him as my son. So does my ex and so does he. No one can take that away from me.
OP, he's your husband. That puts him in a parental role. And he's been being a parent for eight years. He probably lives them and cards for them the same way I care about my exs son. So to say he's never had kids of his own is really hurtful. I sure as hell feel like all those years I spent parenting my exs child count for something. Its belittling to say his eight years mean nothing.
You don't have to agree on everything. But you do need to agree to respect each other. You each have different ways. He was wrong for making a hurtful statement about being their friend. But you are wrong for saying he's never been a father. Sit down and get on the same page. I'm sure he loves those kids as much as any biological parent would. I know I do.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 Finding a person to raise children with is difficult, and finding a person who will raise someone else's children is even harder. There will always be some level of conflict because everyone has a different background.
You say your boys have turned out fine, so he doesn't seem to have caused them any lasting damage. You don't mention shouting, or bullying, or physical abuse. If the worst he did was ground/threaten to ground them, they had it pretty easy compared to many others.
They are your children so of course you should decide how they are brought up, but he is their stepfather and therefore their father figure when their biological father is not there, so I think it would be strange if he had come into their lives when they were quite young and done nothing at all to discipline them. Sometimes people need to discipline children who are not their own, and for a stepparent I'd say it's part of the job (within reason, of course).
The fact that he doesn't have children of his own is not a valid argument as far as I'm concerned. There are many parents, whose children are theirs, who do a really bad job of bringing up their kids. That sounds like you think that someone who has not played a part in conceiving a baby has no right to judge or have an opinion on "real" parents. I don't have children but I can recognise lazy or abusive parenting if I see it. I was recently on a plane next to a 10-year-old kid and his mum. The kid was stabbing the menus and safety cards with pencils, standing up on his seat during takeoff, and singing "suck my big hairy willy". His mum was reading a magazine and ignoring him. I totally judged her, and I told the kid to stop it, which he actually did, while giving me a very strange look. I'm guessing he doesn't hear those words so often.
I think that the problem here is not so much the difference in your parenting styles, because it's no longer that relevant if your children are older and past the point of needing to be disciplined in order to learn the difference between right and wrong. I think the problem is that you feel insulted by him saying that you're more of a friend to your kids than a mum. That was a backhanded comment and unnecessary. If this is something that he says a lot, or if he often criticises you for other things or makes you feel inadequate, then you need to take it up with him.
Look, I'm sure you're a great mum. Having two grownup, well-rounded, polite boys who have stayed out of trouble is testament to that. I'm sure your husband thinks you're a great mum, too, even if he could express it better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): OP it doesn't matter whether you're on the same page, it only matters that he respects your authority when it comes to your kids, doesn't criticise you unduly for how you're doing that and that he shows you enough respect as far as they're concerned.
OP I have to say though your attitude is just as bad as his.
"how can he judge me when he doesnt have kids of his own"
I mean come on, what does that mean? At least give him some credit for helping you raise yours, 8 years is enough time to play step parent to be at least respected as that and not cast down the way you did there. 8 years of being married with step kids does give him a certain right to a say on things OP even if the final decision is always yours.
I think this is a case where you and he are on different pages and you're a little sensitive about it and take his opinions too personally but that he also is being over critical because at the end of the day when it comes to them he has no control, so it's only you that is going to hear that.
OP you don't have to be on the same page as regards how they are raised but you can and do have to be on the same page regards how you approach the topic together. You can come to a compromise on how you approach discussing matters related to them.
You and he need to come to a mutual understanding and talk this stuff through.
You wouldn't be with him 8 years if he wasn't mostly good to you and your kids. OP if your own husband doesn't have a right to give an opinion on what he thinks would be best in any situation on anything in your relationship including your kids then who has?
OP I have to disagree with Cindy on a couple of points. By marrying the guy you gave him some explicit consent, legally and morally, to be a step father to your kids. He's your husband, you decided to share your entire life with him for the rest of your life and took a vow to do so. You made him a part of the family. You can't just treat him like one of your kids and completely disrespect his opinion, and something tells me in general you don't. So it is about talking this out, it's about coming to a compromise here. Final decision is always up to you when it comes to them, but he has a right to voice to a concern because this is his family too OP, he's not a boyfriend, he's your husband. He has certain rights as to how people behave in what is his house too. You decided to create a family with the guy regardless if they're his blood or not. You expect him to always honour them as an extension of you and my guess is he probably does. My guess is he's always willing to step up to help you with them, drive them places, bandage their knee when they fall, give them advice when they need it, help them if he has to because he too vowed to do that and did so as an extension of you.
Two things here OP, he needs to respect you enough not to criticise but to offer helpful advice, and you need to respect him enough to let him have a say and truly consider his opinions on the matter. But he has to give those opinions correctly, he has to be constructive and if you decide something is not the best way forward then as long as you have shown him that you've considered what he said and are respectfully declining then it only matters that he feels he's not being shut out completely. Because he probably does a lot for those kids too OP, and I have a feeling he thinks you're doing a great job, just not in the way he thinks you should but he needs to credit you for doing that great job too.
OP it's been 8 years and you, two grown adults, have not been able to get to this middle ground on your own. Maybe it's time you went and got some professional mediation to help you both build these mechanisms that you can keep.
Maybe when it comes your kids you're both too stubborn. I mean he criticises you and you then disrespect his ability to have an opinion on the matter, which then leads him to criticise again and the circle repeats itself.
Go to a few sessions OP and build up a healthy compromise when it comes to how you both approach each other about this.
You don't once say he is a bad step father, and I don't think he meant to imply you're a bad mother at all when he said that. You're an easy going parent, he's a strict one. There is a middle ground here OP you and he just have to find it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 June 2013):
 'He doesn't have kids of his own'...
That says it all to be honest!
The world is full of bullying 'over the top' step fathers and the kids bear the scars. It's totally disrespectful for him to tell you that you are more of a friend than a parent...where'd he hear that?...On Oprah probably!!
Absolutely tell him to butt out...the parenting is YOUR territory and if he isn't going to follow your lead and do as you do, then he should STFU!!
You know as a parent that you have to 'be a parent' but teenage kids are a minefield and staying close to them works so much better than living in a war zone.
Would he let you get under the hood of his car and start messing with the engine, just because you drive it?...No he wouldn't so tell him that you will handle the punishments and discipline in your own way because he doesn't know what he's doing...
Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 This is my first time at Dear Cupid that I give advice consciously knowing that it is bad advice but, sorry , I can't resist : tell him to BUTT OUT. Tell him to not even DARE disciplining your kids, at least without having obtained your prior approval and consent.
Who the hell does he think he is, and , sorry, but, why do you let him walk all over you and pooh-pooh your parenting style ?
Being mom's husband is all anothet thing from being the kids' father. He is not their parent, and his rights duties and responsibilities toward them are different than a parent's.
What, this guy joined in 8 years ago, you don't say how old are the kids bvut if they have gone through their teens they weren't babies then, you had had maybe 10 or 12 years or so of parenting experience and using and choosing your own parenting techniques, and he comes in tryng to undo and undermine all you have done so far , because he wants to play disciplinarian daddy... with someone else's kids ? Just tell him to f... off.
Sorry, again I realize this is not good advice, I realize the PC advice would be : you and him sit down and talk about it and draw a "scheme" of what's acceptable what's not and relative punishment for each infraction, and you negotiate patiently and painstakingly until you reach a compromise blah blah, but, really, the way I am , these things make me irrational, and irrationally mad. I would just never ever let a kid of mine being punished or reprimanded by someone who has no legal or moral right to do that- and least , least of all in a way that does not meet my full approval and consent.
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