A
female
age
41-50,
*j0311
writes:I just found out that my husband and my best friend have been communicating via text message pretty much everyday Mon. - Fri.. I knew they texted a lot and I am O.K. with that. Sometimes he'll come home and tell me what they texted about that day, sometimes not. Sometimes she will do the same thing, sometimes not. He's never tried to hide his phone and many nights if someone sends him a text that is funny he'll say grab my phone and read the message so and so sent. Oftentimes I will notice a message from her that day that he hadn't told me about and I will open it and read it. Nothing I've seen has EVER been in any way sexual or flirtatious, but they usually do not talk on the weekends. I know they have gotten to be really good friends and I'm actually thankful for that, but could I be being a little too naive? She and I talk almost daily, but is it appropriate for them to communicate pretty much every day? And is it a bit of a red flag that they don't text on the weekends or at night?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): I am in a similar situation, and I can tell you it is definitely a red flag . My husband and I are friends with another couple. They were having problems and she started confiding in us about it through messenger conversations. Due to our schedules we agreed she would tell my husband and he would tell me. They spent hours talking and my husband would later tell me all about it. So everything was fine. Then one day I called my husband, asked where he was, and he was visiting her at home to see the new baby, I got very angry, and hung up on him. I later told him I found that inappropriate, although he explained my friend´s husband would be joining them later. A few days later I was at his computer, messenger was on and she wrote (thinking it was my husband) asking why he hadn´t contacted her that if I had prohibited him to do so. Then another time she even told me my husband was his confidant and wanted to be pregnant again so MY husband would pamper her. She said this because my husband had once with my knowing bought some food she was craving for when she was pregnant.I do believe they are just good friends for now but I, like you, began feeling uncomfortable and noticing they were becoming emotionally attached. I don´t even think my friend even noticed she was becoming attached to him or did it on purpose. Have you ever heard about cheating husbands and friends saying they don´t know how or didn´t want it to happen? I believe this is exactly how it begins.We have had very serious problems because of this, and right now we are trying to work it out. We agreed that he would continue talking to her but now he lets her know I am aware and involved in every single conversation and he limits his conversations to talking to her through messenger only when we are both in the office (we work together). Hope this helps!!!
A
female
reader, RCK  +, writes (9 December 2009):
To the anonymous reader who responded to RCK. Every relationship is different. FYI - I allow my husband to mingle and speak to whoever he chooses as the key ingredient for this to happen was trust and communication. We have a routine where my husband and I just sit down and talk to each other about everything and anything during the day and if he is working night shift then he calls me and we have our talking session via phone. This routine has worked for 10 years now and it is still an exciting part of the day that we look forward to. Which may count towards another reason we very rarely argue. In New Zealand we are brought up to think of our family as a whole not just ourselves. Everything I do has an impact on my mother and father, my husband, my children, my brothers and sisters and even my future grandchildren. As the saying goes "Your not only marrying me your marrying my whole family."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): where there is smoke there is a little fire being lit. plse trust your instinct here. that little voice has told you that something is happenening or will happen. therefore you wrote to dc. your slight unease tells you that you should be getting concerned. it may have started out as friends but you will never know.
who is your friend closer to nowadays, you or your hb. who does she invest time and energy on (you or your hb) . who makes her day now (you or her hb)
i am not saving to be paranoid and accuse them. just be watchful and more observant. better a tad bit insecure/jealous than totally blind.
do not become their fool! read all the stories here on dc, it will make you cringe at the apparent on goings of mere friends. yes, you want to beleive that nothing more than "friendship" is going on but when they become emotionally attached to each other (missing the texting/phone calls/emails/ family outings) then you know there is trouble. by then it may be too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): To RCK female reader: you are setting yourself up for a fall. I also trusted my exhusband enough to walk through a room full of models without even worrying. In fact, he was a personal trainer who trained sexy women and even several pageant title holders and a Miss World top 3 finalist. But he did eventually have a relationship with another woman; strangely non of his attractive clients but with a very plain unattractive creature; I felt so insulted by his choice. Most men do not choose a mistress because she is prettier; they go for the ones that stroke their egos. If you already give him love and attention then it boils down to opportunity. My exhusband to this day tells me I was perfect in every way and his cheating was nothing to do with me. When a man is cheating he is not thinking about you, he is thinking about himself. Look at Tiger Woods with his sexy loyal wife and 2 beautiful kids, reduced to nothing but a liar and a cheat!!! Risking his public persona and his billion dollars and his family for a bar maid! Trust your man, but never so completely that you blindly accept all his relationships with other women as innocent. They all START off innocent but gradually develop over time into something more than they ever intended, hence the rallying cry "I never meant for it to happen!".
When other women once told me to never close my eyes I even stopped talking to them for being so negative, until I was holding my printout in my hand and literally collapsed and fainted with disbelief. Don't tell him your suspicious thoughts but watch your back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): "Put a stop to it now. This is inappropriate.." UPDATE: my husband and I did break up because of the woman he was texting but he never had a relationship with her. He dumped her and wanted nothing to do with her. After I had raged, contemplated suicide and cried about it, I did give them my blessing to be together but in front of me he told her to her face that he is repulsed by her and never wants to see her again. Its been two years now and he spends 75% of the time with me and his kids... He literally just goes to his place only to sleep... Eats dinner with is 5/7 of the week. He tries to get back with me but I have made up my mind that there can be no going back!As for the original poster of this message, it looks like you have convinced yourself that he is doing no wrong since you are defending him. Maybe in deed all is fine because some of us are using our prior bad experiences to judge your situation. My advice then, is for you to just closely monitor the situation and keep checking the print outs and stuff. Like I said, my ex and the other woman texted each other for 3 years before they had the affair. The chemistry between a man and a woman who are this close inevitably leads to something... And both being married means you probably will never catch them... Mark my words. Good for you being so trusting.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): If they talk about you and your relationship then your in trouble.It's all about intamacy.Meeting a need.The best way for you to check is when they don't know you know.If they know your watching they will be careful about subject.Most affairs are with the best friends.I would check the past text messages on the phones history.If it's erased then they know your watching.You can check cell phone call history online as well.This only gives dates and times.I caught mine having an affair by the online cell phone records. She denied everything to the end - until I showed her the print out.I wanted to believe her innocence even with the proof in my hand.She finally admitted it and said I did it so what?.I asked her to leave.They broke up 1 month after she left.Your husbands actions in this situation is not normal or appropriate imo.
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female
reader, RCK +, writes (7 December 2009):
For all those people who are insecure about their relationship and can't trust there husbands/wifes/patners/boyfriends/girlfriends etc there is nothing wrong with friendly texting. Not everyone texts about sex or fantasy. It comes down to how much you trust your lover. I would trust my husband to walk through a room full of models any day and still come out the other end with his eyes only fixed on me. There are some good guys out there and your husband may be one of the innocent ones who is wrongly accused. Just as long as both parties are open around you and family. Unless there is something that you know does not feel right that you haven't put on here.
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female
reader, RCK +, writes (7 December 2009):
Wow you just described me and one of my work collegues. We text each other alot about everything. We are both married and my husband knows that we text each other alot. Most of our texts are about work or something funny that we may have just done that day. My husband is fine with it as he is welcome to my phone anytime and will even reply to my collegue's texts without telling me or my collegue's wife will text me a response. Very innocent as long as he doesn't go all protective over his phone and starts deleting numbers and texts.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (7 December 2009):
So he spends his day texting your best friend...why doesnt he text you?
You say its nothing sexual, but the thing is they obviously share some emotional connection and while they may not be having a sexual affair, there is such a thing as an "emotional affair" which can in some ways be more hurtful and damagingthen a sexual affair because its much more personal as it involves personal emotions.
You came here because you were worried and upset- your gut told you something wasnt right. But now you are trying to defend what they are doing by saying they are def just friends and now its ok because its not in a flirty or sexual nature the messages.
Your husband may be smart enough to delete any suspicious text messages for all you know.
Not trying to make you paranoid or scared, but you need to keep an open mind and dont just push your feelings away. You need to deal with them and face the situation and dont go into denial by defending them.
My advice to you would be to tell your husband what you feel ok with and not ok with about his friendship with her. Pay attention to his response and see if he takes action to change things so you feel comfortable. If he deos then maybe everything is ok. If he doesnt then that is a definate warning sign because he would be putting his friendship with her before his own wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): "A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Put a stop to it now. This is inappropriate.........." you call your hb your ex. after you discovered his affair with his close tecting buddy did he leave you for her. what has since happened in your life. and ho are you coping? although your words do not indicate your pain and heartache my heart goes out to you . i am sure you have been through hell and back.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): duce00 i am so glad you now see a potential situation . i was getting concerned when you wrote "Considering all that I would say you should be glad your man is balanced and evolved enough to consider women as friends. "
btw, alarm bells are ringing loud and clear for me here. put s stop to them NOW. your hb and best friend are investing too much of time in each other.
plse post an update. just nip this fast. it is out of control. no matter how much they pretend open ness, things are not right.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (7 December 2009):
 200 times a month is sounding a bit weird to me honestly. I agree with previous folks about the connection that they have as being an emotional bond that exceeds friendship. We are talking an average of 6 texts per day. Does he text you that often??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Very, very inappropriate to be texting 200 + times per month. They both are forming emotional attachments to each other and before you will know it boundaries will be crossed and they will be unable to disengage from each other. This friendly texting is leading to something. Do you wait for that something to develop or do you put a stop to it NOW. This new found friendship bet your hb and best friend will soon be bordering on the unhealthy. They may soon form emotional bonds with each other. I cannot stress the importance of you nipping it in the bud immediately.Being friends with your spouses friend is one thing, keeping in touch every day, all day is just not on. How many times does he contact you – text and phone calls. How much do they email each other. Is he having a relationship with you or with her. All his free time is now being invested with each other. You and her hb are being excluded from this emails/texting/calls. You need to be subtle as well regarding her hb- he needs to be made aware that his wife is forming a communication attachment with your man. Just cooly/subtly says: i wonder what so and so have to say so often to each other. So much of time spent communicating. You need to let him know that the interaction bet your spouses can become a problem. You have a perceived threat in your marriage and you need to do everything in your power to eliminate , even if she is your friend. Just read all the stories here on DC regarding spouses attachment to friends/best friends etc. At least you are aware of it. do not be a fool to think that nothing may transpire bet your hb and bf. How many people have affairs with close associates they know. I am glad you have been alert and super observant. Cut of their lifeline NOW or else you will only have yourself to blame once this goes overboard. But something tells me it may just have .Listen to your instinct, your gut , warning you and making you a tad bit comfortable . girl, eliminate the threat NOW. Watch your hb’s reaction as you put a stop to his communication. Your gf too needs to be put in place. Don’t allow them to pacify you with this selective openness. The other anon aunt has warned you about her hbs affair with his texting friend. So yes, as EYES has suggested, keep your eyes and ears wide open. This is a little too unhealthy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 December 2009):
 If I were you I'd keep my name as your operating system's motto.
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A
female
reader, lj0311 +, writes (7 December 2009):
lj0311 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI got gutsy and checked the phone bill. They are texting like 200 times per month. Usually only like 5 a day sometimes a few more. I 'borrowed' his phone last night while I went to the grocery store and he has a lot of her texts saved on his phone. Most of them were just casual conversations. A few inside joke things that they share, but I do know about. Like I said nothing really flirty or sexual. Also, in response to b26, she is def. more like family to me than just a friend. She is also married and I am very close with her husband as well. I really think they are just being friendly and have over the past 4-5 years just gotten to be really close.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): On the basis they don't text 'out of hours' that is when you or her partner (if she has one) would be around is the oddest bit. Its as if they know it is over the top, pushing boundaries or even a little bit naughty and so there is the unspoken thing of 'not when you're at home' etc. Whilst it might be innocent enough now the other posts are correct in that these things have a habit of going further. I think you need to know more about it - the content. Could you make an excuse to borrow your husbands phone suddenly for the day - hardly give him any notice - say yours seems to not be working and its important you have a means of communicating while you are out. Check his reaction? Then, if he gets no texts on his phone - it will be obvious he has called her to say 'don't text today'. If texts come up then I suggest reading them just don't reply. I would not like my husband doing what your husband is doing. Once a week would be fine - not every day. Do not be naieve to think that just because your best friend is just that, that she might not be trying to muscle in on your man, bit by bit. Is there any other aspect you are concerned about? Signs that something is different? I think you need to be cautious, curious but not paranoid.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (7 December 2009):
The content of the texts is key here, but assuming it is all benign (which is what I am hearing) here is my 2 cents.
Having female friends is a wonderful thing. I think many men miss this opportunity because they either only want sex or they simply don't know how to relate to women any other way.
Female friends help us guys at better understanding and relating to women without the aspect of sex to make everything convoluted and expectation driven. It is beneficial to both parties because women can learn many things from men too.
The only thing I would say might be a good thing to do here is make sure that your personal business with your man is not part of their friendship. That kind of talk could become hurtful to you if it was of a gossiping nature. The rule (as I see it) with female friends is to respect your woman above all others. Never do anything that would cause harm or distrust.
Considering all that I would say you should be glad your man is balanced and evolved enough to consider women as friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Put a stop to it now. This is inappropriate. If I were you, I would trust my instincts. Cheating never starts with immediate sex, it starts with harmless joking around, then eventually, a flirty text is sent then next thing they are booking into hotels with your kids' college money. My exhusband had this relationship with another woman where he would show me her 'harmless' texts and stuff and leave his phone lying around. 3 years later, I discovered that they had a secret code of communication where they would send blank texts to indicate whether it was safe to talk and so on. I downloaded software from the Internet that secretly records keystrokes so when my ex was checking his email, I managed to get his password and hack into his email later. That's when the truth came out. I trusted her and she even picked my kids from school and held my baby. My exhusband even made me shop expensive clothes for her when I traveled overseas. Your thing with your husband and friend may be innocent now, but it is likely to develop if you don't somehow stop it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Of course you should be worried...what the hell is he doing texting your best friend and visa versa. Even if they aren't doing "anything wrong" per say...as time goes on,there is a high chance they will. Cheating doesn't just occur in the blink of an eye...normally there are things that lead to it like what you husband and best friend are doing as far as the texting is concerned. Totally, totally disrespectful, rude and uncalled for. Of course he isn't hiding his phone..that doesn't mean he isn't "up to something." I dated a guy once that would actually show me naked photos that women have sent to him as a way of "covering himself" so he can say "Well, I told you about that." But in acutalilty, he was having sex with this woman, but his way of covering it up was telling me about the texts and the naked photos that she was sending to him so I can be distracted and not think there was something going on when in reality they were sleeping together.
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A
male
reader, 25aa +, writes (7 December 2009):
Don't be insecure and paranoid. If you discover a reason to be then fine, but right now you don't have one so just forget about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): I think it's wierd no matter what they are texting about. Of course you want them to be friendly with each other, but this is a little over the top. He should be texting YOU all day!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): I honestly would be upset. I get upset if my friends exchange numbers with a guy I'm casually dating. But it would be helpful to know what they talk about in the texts? How long have you been friends? And also is she like family? If so I can see why they talk. But talking everyday is a bit much...
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female
reader, happytochat +, writes (7 December 2009):
You say they text alot, but you dont really say waht they actually talk about in these text messages. It would be helpful to know this to be able to have a better understanding of the situation.
I understand your feelings, Ithink if I was you id be pretty jealous and worried too. Its hard for me to say if you have a true reason to be worried though, but generally I say if your gut is telling you something listen to it.
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