A
female
age
41-50,
*antSleep
writes:Its been 7 months since my husband has been verbally or physically abusive to me or anyone else. He says he is changing,and has been on meds for the last 7 months. we have been together for almost 6 years. At the 4 1/2 yr mark is when he bacame violent towards me. (It lasted about 5 or 6 months,,,,every day to every other day) Sparing anyone the horrible details, I would just like to know if this is just a longer honeymoon period than I am used to? Should I accept that this is a real change and let my gaurd down, or should I keep my gaurd up so I dont get surprised when he hits me again. Thank you for your response and advice in advance.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (3 April 2011):
 People do not change for others, they weigh the consequences and decide whether or not you are bluffing, changing, for themselves, only because it is in their best interests. It is not real change, I can assure you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): It is too dangerous to consider for this type of man to think he is going to change, without a great deal of help and therapy, comparing your situations to other people who have had some success with people changing is not going to help you.
You know he is violent and you can not mimise the violence and think that you will be safe.
Why you are settling for a miserable life, try and be kind to yourself please. The pain of what he did is not going to go away because he went to far over the line.
Staying is going to make it far worse deep down you know this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Hi. I wanted to say that I was in a abusive realtionship w/my hb the first 4 yrs of our marriage and finaly I left. Those 4 yrs of marriage were hell. He always apologised we went back and forth all the time. Finally I told him if he ever even touches me gain I have divorce papers ready. He apologised again and we tried our marriage again. We have been married for 11 yrs and he never put a finger on me. So I do believe people could change. But it all depends on the person. U have to be tough if your not the abuse will never end. If u believe he won't ever change then I would just leave
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2011):
 What meds is he on? I think that is a major factor.
Usually meds alone doesn't make a person stop being abusive, usually the only thing that works is therapy/counseling AND meds.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I'm glad that he has stopped abusing you for now. Seven months is a long time and while I believe that people can change, I highly doubt he has changed just from taking antidepressant medications.
It's very hard for a woman to leave an abusive partner, really really hard. Have you talked to any local help places? Does anyone know what he has done to you in the past? Is he enrolled in therapy? Was he abused as a child?
It's very important for him to stay on his meds, it would also be a very good idea for him to go to therapy or counseling, so he can fix the whole person if that is his real intentions. The fact that you used the term prolonged "honeymoon phase" tells me that you have been dealing with this for a while.
In most cases of domestic violence, the abuser does not change on their own and will claim to have changed until a later time when they start the cycle all over again. If he hits you once, that's his fault, but if he hits you twice that's your fault.
Seriously consider taking some time away from him until he is in therapy and showing real long term improvement, I know that is hard to do, but spousal abuse kills more than it heals.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Really good website. Check it out. GOod luck to you and I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): i truly would love to say that he is 100 percent on the mend. But that is not for me to know, only his Doctor and time will determine that.
And i can't tell you what is the right decision for you. Only you know in your heart what will work out as the best decision for you.
But i can suggest how it might turn out. Then it is up to you, whether you want to factor any of that into your decision making deliberations.
In the case of your guy:
His illness, requiring medication, would have been frightening for you in the beginning.
He may never revert to that bewildering shocking period when he became a man you no longer recognised.
Even now you have some lingering doubts in the back of your mind. When he was ill you suddenly had to more than fend for yourself, you had to protect yourself from abuse.
And worse still, that abuser was the man you married. A man who had promised to love and honor and protect you in sickness and in health. The betrayal has to have left scars in your psyche.
And now you would like all to go back to how it was before he succumbed to this illness.
But he's sick. I mean how can you leave a man who is taking his medication for his illness? A man who has promised he will never repeat that behavior? The guilt. What will people think? And if he stops taking his meds and gets sick again? Will people blame you for what happens?
However his illness will affect his life. He is more vulnerable to pressure and stress.
It is likely that he will not reach all that he may have hoped to reach in his career.
How do i know all this? Because I've lived through all you describe. And yes I
stayed.
My husband had a serious psychiatric illness that first came to light one year after we married. He was under the regular care of doctors.
But that was not the only problem.
The first time my guy ever hit me i was only 21. I was in total shock. Then he hit me again. I did not want to tell anyone. Because i was ashamed that i had been hit.
I had wanted a child. He wanted none. He said 'later'. But then the 'later' date kept changing.
After i turned 25 i did not ask ever again about a baby.
But in hindsight i would have done myself a great favor if, at 22, i had just walked. Still attractive, then, still able to build a different career. Still able to meet a guy who wanted what i wanted.
I did myself no favors by staying.
He eventually also started drinking heavily. And his hobbies consumed money we did not have. So i tried to ask for very little. His tobacco bill per week was horrible. He started being unfaithful. It devastated me that he would seek out other women. And i wondered, what if he gets a woman pregnant? Will that be the excuse to leave me? Every so often he got sick again, he lost so many jobs, each less demanding than the previous one. His self obsessed side was hard to endure. I tried everything to do what he wanted, yet he still found fault with me continuously.
He wore me down to the point where i had to reassess who i was, and what i wanted out of life.
Then he asked me to leave him. Because he wanted to travel the world and he did not think i was the person he wanted to travel with. So mid 30s and had no husband, no real to speak of. No confidence in myself. But somehow i started building my career. Though i had a feeling that last 15 odd years had been a complete waste.
To make it worse he was my first love from my teen years, and on the day he left he told me he had never loved me (i did not believe it, but looking back maybe i deluded myself into thinking he loved me?)
He claimed he only married anyway, as he just wanted to see what being married was like.
What should i have done?
I should have never worried what people think/thought. And i should have put my own interests first. I wanted four children, he wanted none.
At the first sign of trouble i should have walked.
Plus i should have stopped excusing his actions, stopped hoping it would improve, stopped explaining and forgiving his actions.
I truly think if i had put my needs first a whole lot of things would have turned out better. I should have walked away at 22, but i lacked the courage to do so, way back then.
Prior to then I had not known a person with a serious psychiatric illness, and no one explained to me what it would be like to live with someone with such an illness.
But at least today I can suggest that anyone, finding themselves in the same position I was in, can perhaps consider what mistakes they think i made. And try not to replicate my mistakes.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (2 March 2011):
Remember that anti-depressants are not going to stop him being violent, but they are going to help him deal with negative feelings in his head.
He will need to do more than take these drugs. He needs therapy to uncover why he can't control his emotions. This is MUCH harder than just taking a few tablets everyday.
I think it's very positive that he has stopped being violent BUT he needs to do more than just take anti-depressants. Support him and encourage him that he's making positive changes in his life, but if he does ever hit you again, LEAVE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): It is important he stays on the medication. What sometimes happens is the person feels they are better, stops taking the medication and then the problem comes back. If you want to stay with him, you will need to make sure he is always stable and taking medication, and if he comes off it you will have to monitor the situation very closely. The medication is helping him but it is masking deeper issues that may still be there. Whether you want to live like this is up to you ultimately.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 March 2011):
I'm glad that he's now on medication which has made him stop abusing you. Clearly this is a positive change in your life and in his life too.
You're very right to question is this a permanent change or just a temporary one? Is this a real change or just a band aid. Will he regress? Should you let your guard down?
I think it's just way too soon to tell. for your own safety I think you should still keep your guard up and for a long long time to come.
He has been abusive to you for years. At its worst, the abuse was occurring almost every day for 5 or 6 months at a stretch. Going 7 months now without abusing you is, IMO, way too soon to start trusting him. Like you said, this is just slightly longer than one of the normal "honeymoon periods" that are a regular part of the abuse cycle. So no I think you shouldn't be letting your guard down any time soon.
It's possible that, 30 or 40 or more years from now, you can look back and say that yeah his change was permanent after all. But you can't say that until you have reached that 30 or 40 year mark, you don't have a crystal ball right now.
Trust has to be earned. When you abuse someone, you have violated them. Earning back trust is going to take much longer (if ever) than for your average run-of-the-mill marital problems. In many cases, trust just cannot be earned ENOUGH for the victim to feel truly safe ever again. The victim may feel safer than before, but not completely and with good reason.
Also, when people are being treated for various issues, occasional backsliding is common and to be expected. An occasional backslide doesn't mean that all their previous progress is undone, nor does it mean they're not trying hard enough. Backsliding is just part of the process because progress is often one step forward and two steps back. However, if for his issues that he's being treated for, backsliding means going back to abusing you again, this is unacceptable and something that you do not want to let happen to you so this is another reason I think you should still keep your guard up.
I believe that healing takes much longer than injuring. for example if he's been abusive to you for 2 years, I would not let my guard down until he's gone at least 4 years without being abusive, just as an arbitrary example but your personal threshold may be much lower depending on the extent of the damage done to you (you may want to hold him to a standard of 6 years or 10 years or longer for example before you let your guard down)....
however, that said, do you think you can realistically live for 4 or 6 more years with him in a state of unease even if he's not actively abusing you? Having your guard up is still exhausting mentally and emotionally. To continue living in a state of hypervigilance as you have already been, will still wear you down even if abuse is not occurring, and is not healthy for you. Yet, to let your guard down "too soon" could be catastrophic.
for that reason, you may want to consider if you should still leave the relationship. Just because he is finally taking responsibility for his issues and making positive improvements in his life, doesn't mean you owe him to stay with him. Some times, the damage has just already been done and there is no reversing it and to even try is going to prolong the damage to you. Just because he hasn't abused you for X number of months or years doesn't mean you now owe it to him to stay married to him. If you do want to stay married and you feel safe, then by all means. But you may never feel safe, and it's not your fault (it's his fault, for having abused you). If you don't feel safe, it's not going to be mentally or emotionally healthy for you to stay with him.
Whether you stay with him or leave him, though, for him to get treatment and medication for his issues is still the right thing for him to do, it's still a positive change in his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Im sorry but i dont understand why you stayed in harms way and allowed yourself to be abused for so long. Its difficult to know if he will be abusive again. Hes on meds to stop that sort of behaviour but if he stops taking them, he will probably go back to his old ways. Also, ive googled the med in question and it does say, caregivers should report any behaviour such as aggression. So i guess maybe they can still become violent even when taking this drug. So for your own safety, i would say, never let your guard down. It sounds as if your partner has some serious problems with depression and violence. Given those problems, no one could judge you for wanting to leave. You need to protect yourself, whether its from a violent partner. Or one with a history of violence, whos on medication and might 'turn' nasty at any moment. Protect yourself and do whats best for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Im happy to hear things are better. Youve been so patient. Good for you and you are very courageous for sticking with this. His meds are obviously working and he should stay on them until a doctor says otherwise. Keep your guard up until a medical diagnosis says he is alrite. I hope your relationship continues to improve. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): You are in danger and you need to leave. Yes people can change, but it is best if he changes within himself for a long time before he even embarks on a relationship at all. It would not be until about 2 years of good behaviour and therapy that someone like him might be able to even understand another human being, let alone care for them. He is likely to be like a rubber band being quiet biding his time and you simply don't know when he might snap, because you are a pas trigger for him. (That is in no way your fault - you did absolutely nothing ever to trigger him - the triggers are in his own mind and self).He may or may not hit you or abuse you again. But he is like a ticking time bomb while you are around.Yet he doesn't want to be left alone so he begs you to stay because it makes him feel better and uses you to take him away from his crazy thoughts.I really don't want to frighten you after all that you have been through, however I feel you can handle and should know the truth.You will never be able to have a secure, happy relationship with someone who has done this.It is not possible to minimise the damage his past behaviour has caused. That does not mean you can't forgive him or hope the best for his life.
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A
female
reader, CantSleep +, writes (2 March 2011):
CantSleep is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those of you who have already replied. He is on Celexa an anti depressant medicine.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 What kind of meds is he taking?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 If meds are the only things that changed him, you should not even be with this man. Whatever issues he may have run deep and they will not stop him. He will strike you once more one day and it will come as suddenly as it has stopped. Spare yourself such horrible misery and leave him so you can find some peace. So you will not need to keep your guard up because you will be safe. It is not healthy to be with this man right now, or ever. What truly worried me is the fact that you said "physically abusive to me or anyone else". You are not the only one he has affected, yet you stand with him? Why? Do you even know?
Whatever the answer may be, I urge you to leave him now. Just because his meds have halted his wrath now, they will not hold him back forever. So get yourself away from him and into the arms of safety.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Yes, it’s possible for people to change. He changed in a negative way now he’s changing for the better. That’s proof people change. People have a tendency to think a person can’t change for the better. He’s on medication now, he had some issues he needed to confront and I’m a firm believer that mental illness exists. It’s important he stays on his meds some people stop after they feel better, if that ever happens, tell him it’s because of the meds that he’s better and he needs to keep taking them. I wish you well.
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