A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - I'm really confused - I love my husband but don't think I am in love with him any more.A year ago he had an affair. We broke up, were almost at the point of divorce, when he begged me to try again. He moved back in 2 months ago. We get on fine, day to day, but the intimacy side of it has just gone. I thought I could put it behind me but it's really difficult. I just can't get it out of my head that he could do something like that, and am probably worried it could happen again in the future, although currently he is being really great, very attentive etc, so no reason to doubt him - it's just my head rattling round with these thoughts of 'should I stick with it' or should I leave him. Would appreciate any comments out there???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): You don't cheat on people you love. He spent hours/days deceiving you. Its no accident. Everything was planned and worked around you. A man should always put his woman before his own selfish needs.
Dump him or you are accepting you have no moral boundaries.
Good luck
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (23 December 2008):
 You have a lot of resentments built up inside of you and until you let them go you'll never be the same with him again. You will continually be asking yourself lots of questions - "Why did he cheat?" "Was I not good enough for him? "What did this other woman have that I don't? "How could he do this to me?" "Was our marriage that bad?" to name but a few. When you're being intimate with him you'll be going nuts too... "did he do this with her?" "Is he imagining I AM her?" "Was she better at this then me?" etc. Is it any wonder then that sex is difficult and a chore for you? Until all of these questions that you have inside of you are answered and until he can prove BY HIS ACTIONS that he IS truly sorry then you'll never be able to gain his trust again.
My advice to you would be to ask him if you and him can chat when it's convenient for him then sit down and tell him exactly how you're feeling. ASK him these pertinent questions and tell him it's important that you get answers to them then BOTH of you discuss what you can do to improve your marriage. Truth be known, there was obviously a reason he strayed that you are not aware of and THIS is what you need to find out. It could be as Phil said that he felt you didn't show him enough attention and he felt undesirable and "past it", but only he can tell you.
Communication is one of the cornerstones to a successful marriage and if you can come together and talk freely about any subject then that will strengthen your marriage. If you feel you can't talk to him about it then seek counselling preferably together!
This CAN work and you'll find if you get rid of these resentments and he is genuinely sorry then your marriage can go from strength to strength. I wish you and your husband all the best in the future.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (23 December 2008):
 It's a hard thing to do to FORGIVE and FORGET. You have been hurt deeply by someone who has claimed to love you. The feelings you have are pretty normal in this case. The fear that it could happen again stays with you night and day. If you have children it makes things harder to walk away from a marriage. I do know that your hurt has been deep because even after a year of trying and working thru a long healing period you just can't seem to get the marriage back the way it was. The truth is hon it WILL NEVER BE EXACTALLY THE WAY IT WAS.
Think about all of the good times you have had with your husband. Talk to him about how you feel, without playing a blame game. Seek professional help if you need to. It's important to figure out why he cheated and know the reasons he had for comming back to you. Sometimes when someone cheats, it's not for lack of love for their mate but the human part of them that lust for something or someone else. They make mistakes which are sometimes costly. It's wrong to cheat, expecially on a spouse. Some folks take those vows very seriously, others simply toss them aside for their own purposes, doing as they please. They don't show any respect or concern and no appreciation for their spouse. They really aren't giving any show of LOVE at all in doing this. CHEATING is SELFISH! It takes a very strong person to hold out against cheating. It takes and EVEN STONGER PERSON to accept a partner back after they have cheated. YOU ARE STRONG!
In the future you must allow yourself to heal completely hon because if you don't a big part of you will be stuck forever in your past. I know you don't think you are in LOVE with him anymore but I suggest that you step back a bit here and really think that idea through. Many times when someone is hurt so badly they can't clearly see the RAINBOW because of all the RAIN! Meaning you can't see or feel alot more than the pain that he has put you thru. You are suffering and you can't let go of the past year painful situation.
There are times when a person will cheat and once they have it's just so easy and they will do it again. I won't say leave because he is your husband. I will say find help in working thru this. When he begged you to come back it could be because he realized he really loves and cares for you. Hopefully he was as sorrowed about this as he says and will never chance this again. Everything really rests upon your shoulders I am afraid. Whatever choice you make, you must choose carefully. Ending a marriage,especially since you still love him is just as devastating as the fact he cheated.
If the relationship now is going really well. That means somewhere in the midst there is some really good communication, quality times, LOVE or an attempt at it,better respect, sorrows and fears. You are fearing he will do it again. Chances are he fears that YOU WILL LEAVE HIM. To go or stay, the choice is yours. If you stay you must STAND STRONG, don't keep rehasing this in your mind over and over, it WILL make you have self_doubts! It can make you paranoid! It can make you act strange and react badly to your now relationship. This can cause even more distress.
When you said you didn't love him anymore. Sometimes we just tell ourselves that to protect our heart. We can't or won't allow ourselves to heal and this is the only way we can figure a way to protect our heart. By saying we don't love them anymore, it kinda makes us feel better because we don't have to worry so much about the outcome, in case it just doesnt' work out. If he were to leave today you might soon realize that YOU DO STILL LOVE HIM. Take your time and choose carefully what you want your HEART TO FEEL.
I want you to know that I have been in your shoes. I went thru all of that phase and it lasted for years. I felt emotionally crippled. I became severely depressed and tried over and over to stay. I made it thru. I loved my husband. He was a cheater and it was wrong but I LOVED HIM. I TOOK VOWS. I am here today in this site so I can try to help others thru their hardships. I have suffered my own demise in many situations but I KEEP ON GOING! GOD'S GRACE IS WONDERFUL! After nearly 20 years I know in my heart I always loved him but in some ways I knew I should have left but my beliefs were to stay in my marriage. You and your husband are on the right track, evidently my husband and I weren't. Don't let the pains from the past keep you from having a better future. Ask God to help you. Pray without cease. Let your husband continue to show you his love and affection until you believe. It's hard to let go, but if you don't, the future may be clouded by the fears and hurt so badly that you may never get back to a good place in your life.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): 15 years is indeed a long time - but just bear in mind that you've probably got around 40 years left before you start pushing up daisies! Counselling might work - if you get a good counsellor. So many of them talk a pile of mumbo-jumbo whilst raking in the cash and looking interested in your problem with their clipboard on their knee making the odd scribble or doodle!
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A
female
reader, coco1981 +, writes (23 December 2008):
I would go to counseling. It is common for you to feel this way, but if you want to make it work you need a mediator who knows how to ask the right questions and get to the bottom of it. Did you watch Sex In the City the movie? There is a similar situation in the movie (although a few graphic scenes, beware), I think you should watch this... good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your speedy comments. In answer to some of them, we've been married just over 15 years, the first 14 very happily, he was my soul mate. Its just that sometimes I look at him now and wonder if I can ever trust him again. I don't get the same "gushy" feelings for him that I used to. The intimacy seems to have vanished - it seems like a chore sometimes.
I allowed him to move back in because I was still unsure of my true feelings, and thought that it was worth giving our marriage another try - 15 years is a long time.
I just feel in a bit of a rut at the moment, not sure what to do for the best - really nervous of making the wrong decision and regretting it after its "too late" I guess.
I am thinking seriously of going to counselling tho - I need to find a way to change my thought processes - rather than looking for the wrong in evverything.
Thanks again guys!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): If he's the same age as you he was probably going through some sort of mid-life crisis, wondering if he was still attractive to the opposite sex. Obviously at least one woman found him to be so and his curiosity was satisfied. It's also obvious that the grass was rather less green on the other side of the fence or he wouldn't have wanted to come back to you.
Your trust was shattered at the time, and although I'd love to say otherwise, things will never be the same as before. It's only a couple of months since he moved back with you so it's early days yet.
Perhaps you need to find out exactly why he moved back - and why you allowed him back. Was it love or something to do with the financial side of things? Something else perhaps? Is your relationship now one of convenience rather than anything else? I think if you can get to the bottom of those questions you'll know which way to go from now on.
I have never managed to grasp the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. It's all the same to me. You either love him or you don't. He either loves you or he doesn't. Maybe there's a little grey area somewhere in between, but I doubt it.
If you both want the marriage to work for all the right reasons then there's no reason why it shouldn't succeed. Anything less will be a compromise and that divorce won't be too far away. If you can forgive and forget there's every chance of success, but if every time you have some sort of argument you bring up the past, I don't think it will work. I've been in his shoes, so I know what I'm talking about.
Whatever happens, I wish you all the happiness in the world. The big question is, would you be happier without him? You're not that old that you can't start again either on your own or with someone new.
You need to do some soul-searching I feel.
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