A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my girlfriend for 15 years we are high school sweethearts. ROck solid relationship for 15 fun years. On new years eve she got really really drunk and cheated on me. she was so drunk she hopped in a car with her new slutty manipulative female friend and the guy her friend was with that night. Her friend lied to get her into the car and she didnt even bring her purse, phone or cigarettes she was plastered and only thought they were going for beerShe was so drunk she ended up fooling around with the girl and they both gave oral to the guy for like 2 mins she says but no intercourseWhen she realized what was going on and got out of the car and tried walking home cryingShe says she is sorry and it was a giant mistake but i just cant get it out of my head. its hard to work or sleep and its causing me to drink heavily i just cant stop thinking about it every ten secondsHelp me i want to save this thing because we have been together so long but im going crazy inside.
View related questions:
cheated on me, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): If your relationship is solid, happy and worth saving then I think you should forgive and forget... I mean 15 years is a long time to be faithful, and it sounds like you have a pretty good marriage..
She was out of her mind drunk. It was a mistake, and she told you straight away.
I think you should discuss with her how hurt you're feeling, and work through it together... that's how marriages work.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, chris57 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Well to be truthful, alcohol only "allows" us to act out desires we already have. So the first part, making out with her girlfriend, was just part of that inner desire she already had. Joining in with her to perform oral on this guy was another inner desire she had. A person just doesn't jump into a car and has sex with someone unless there is a deep desire and attraction. Maybe it's a good thing you are still boyfriend/girlfriend after 15 years. Now you have something to decide for yourself. Do you:Want to forgive her and hope that it doesn't happen again and move on with the relationship?Seek counseling to see if this is the right relationship for bothSplit up and take some time to thinkdissolved the relationshipRemember, entering into a relationship is about seeking a lifetime partner who will love and cherish you as much as you love and cherish them. And part of that is being committed to each other morally, physically, sexually and emotionallyGood Luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): First off OP what a crock of shit story she just told you.
She blames her friend, she blames the alcohol and doesn't accept responsibility for this at all.
She cheated on you with two people and blames them and the alcohol. Well if she's that weak willed then she will cheat again.
Why is she sorry if she's not to blame OP? Her story doesn't make sense because she's lying.
She thought it would be fun and a great idea in that moment to suck on the balls and lick the tip of another man's penis. Her friend made her suck some balls? The alcohol did?
Then you better hope she not only doesn't have any friends anymore and also never drinks again. See how her story makes no sense? Her story is actually the worst possible excuse because it means a combination of friends and alcohol makes her cheat.
I don't believe for one second that her friend lied to her to get her into the car and this was some kind of master plan to make her cheat, I think either they did intend to go get beer and this just happened as a drunken bit of fun or your girlfriend had been quite sexually inclined with them all night and knowingly went to the car to have a bit of fun. OP cheating doesn't just happen unknowingly, you know it doesn't. You don't just click your fingers and suddenly you've got a guys balls in your mouth.
The reason you can't console this in your mind is because her story doesn't add up at all and she has not taken any responsibility for this. She hasn't thrown her hands up and taken the blame. She made excuses instead.
Have you talked to the others to hear their side?
There were two other people there OP, they may paint a very different picture of what happened. now I'd leave for cheating, it's just my rule, no matter how long the relationship but if I was going to stay I'd want to know the full story from them. I bet there's a lot of information she's leaving out because it makes her actions look worse.
But the sad fact is even if I were you and wanted to make it work how the hell can I ever trust her with alcohol again, especially seeing as I can't exactly deny her drinking as a source of fun.
First off OP you need to stop drinking, you're not going to deal with this pain by pushing it away through drinking.
15 years of your life have just come crashing down and no matter how much you drink you're still going to have to face that. As soon as you stop drinking you're going to still be at square one, whether that's now or in a year.
So stop drinking. Start doing something about this. It's not her friends fault so ask her what happened. Stay away from the other guy for now. If you're like me then that won't end well for him and that's the last thing you need on top of what's going on.
OP you have to put up with this sober and you have to allow your mind to go over this, let it play like a movie it's the only way it will figure things out.
The facts are this, she cheated, no one else is to blame she chose to. The alcohol makes no difference, who's idea it was makes no difference she chose to suck another guys cock and lick his balls.
if you want to keep this relationship OP then you just have to deal with the next few months of mental torture and just keep going. But you do need to hear the others take on this. She's done something very bad and what's worse is she hasn't told you the full truth, only the nicest possible version with the least amount of blame on her. That's not going to work in easing your mind OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 Unfortunately there's not much you can do here. And I have to agree with the other posters, your girlfriend is to be blamed entirely. Come on OP, she's not a kid who can be led by others. Leave her friend out of this. It was your girlfriend's fault and the bottom line is that she cheated on you.
If you want to salvage this relationship now then you have to try and put the past behind you and hope that nothing else goes wrong. It sucks but you cant undo the past no matter how much you want to. Both of you need to have a talk and see how things stand and if you still feel that you cant put this behind you then you have to end the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): I've got a feeling she's made an honest mistake. A real cheater doesn't normally tell on themselves! Has she ever given you reason to doubt her? Would she have ever done this sober? Has she ever got into a car with two drunks while sober? Has she ever messed around with a female? Clearly the issue is that she got way too drunk!
Your thoughts are normal, stop covering them up by drinking. It's going to take time. When it's getting the best of you, remind yourself the goal was to move forward. Don't keep this all to yourself, talk with her about how your feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (15 February 2013):
 She was drunk. She behaved very inappropriately and with a lack of respect for you, but I'd say it's not because she has no respect or love for you but because her wits were addled with drink. She didn't go through with the deed the whole way and she told you immediately. She sounds very remorseful to me so you should work on forgiving her otherwise this relationship will end but then it will be your fault as well. If you think this friend is a bad influence on your girlfriend, talk to her about it to see if they can stop hanging out with each other. I mean, if this is a new friend then surely there is no competition between you and her.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 February 2013):
Sometimes it can feel like the worst thing in the world to be a cheated on. It can make you feel like they don't love you and so many other bad things.
But I've also been the cheater. It doesn't have to mean anything at all. You could be perfect and this still might have happened. It doesn't mean anything other than she got drunk and make a big mistake.
Also I agree that you're putting too much blame on her friend. Your girlfriend was the one who was supposed to be committed to you, not her friend.
The reality is that your gf probably shouldn't be hanging out with these people though, and she needs to know her limit.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): Hi, if she was so drunk, then when did she come to her senses and stop?
Look you love her, that is obvious, just set ground rules and tell her that the next time there is an indiscretion - you are history.
No point beating yourself up and torturing yourself, let it go, look at your options either end things now as you cannot get past the infidelity and be miserable without her or forgive and move on because you love her and want to believe that it will never happen again. Also if you agree to forgive, dont keep bringing it up and also dont throw it in her face, this will spell the death of the relationship.
Also drinking yourself into a stupor is not helping you or your relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): i hear you bro. be strong. you have only two choices, if you love as you say you do forgive her and try to forget, explain her that because of what happened things will be different from now on until you trust her back. it may take months or years and because of her mistake you will be checking on her constantly and that may be amnoying for her. be dead honest but if you belive the pain is too much and is such a heavy load you are carring on your shoulders and the tought of her blowing another guy is eating you alive better break up with her now before you both make unhappy each other. best wishes and good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2013): She learned a huge lesson. Both of you need to control your alcohol intake. You need to learn to forgive and forget - it's a small tiny incident when you look at your whole relationship. She was beyond drunk and acted stupidly.
You can choose to use this opportunity as a catalyst for personal and relationship growth OR you can do what you are doing now: becoming a drunk and further ruining this relationship.
Go to counseling. Forgive. Work on your relationship together. Quit drinking. TIME TO ALSO THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE - why date for 15 years?!! Time to grow up and head down a healthy path together.
...............................
A
female
reader, loner35 +, writes (15 February 2013):
Mistakes happen.nobody is perfect an you got to think if they it really was more than what she said she never would have told. you anyway
...............................
|
