A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyf of near two years about a month ago. I wanted to do this for a while, our relationship was far from perfect, i'll explain this quickly just so you have the entire story: he drunkenly cheated on me in our own bed and I walked in to find them, stupidly I forgave him and stayed with him. I then went through his phone for the first time about a month or two after the incident and found he had been texting other girls trying to get them to come over for sex while I was working nightshifts. This is after a drunken voicemail left on my phone while I was at work with him attempting to get a girl to come home with him. When I got home to confront him about this I found he had kicked our front door in because 'someone' had snapped their key in the lock and he couldn't get in. I blew up and confronted him with the voicemail which he refused to listen too and when I tried to make him he grabbed my phone deleting it and then telling me there was no voicemail. A few moths ago he kissed a fellow workmate on a night out and said he had feelings for her, this I found out by going through his phone for the second time (I have only ever been trough his phone twice in our relationship) and when I confronted him he told me it was just a kiss and that he had found the grass wasn't greener on the other side and he wanted me. Among all of this, he had a massive problem with drink, not to the extent he was drinking all day every day, but couldn't have just a pint with his mates and stay sober, he was wrecked every time he went out. He broke up with me for a day because he wanted to go out on a Cocaine bender. He was always going out last minute, leaving me at home all on my own to wait for him to come home wasted. He was very controlling and I have lost a few mates due to this guy not happy about my friendship with them, I wasn't allowed to go out, he went through my phone constantly. He has depression and anxiety problems as do I but he refused to acknowledge my issues and refused to help himself with his own. You get the picture. Well, I managed to pluck up the courage finally and break up with him, finally and I was feeling good about it. I felt relieved and my anxiety had calmed down. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have even started seeing someone, I know it's very soon but I have known this guy for 5 years, I was telling him about my troubles and it just somehow happened to end up in the both of us falling for each other. He is very aware of my situation, he is as happy as I am to take things as slow as possible, he is definitely a star in all of this. But since I broke up with my ex I had to keep in contact with him so he could move out and get his stuff when he could. He has been telling me that he has stopped drinking, he is seeing a therapist and is on medication for his depression and other issues, he's getting on brilliantly in his career, he's even stopped drinking caffeine. I had to see him today to finalise a few things to do with moving out and I realised how much it's hurting me to be apart from him. I'm happy with the guy I'm seeing and I am see something good coming from it, however I still can't shake wanting to be around my ex. I don't want him to move on. Maybe I'm being selfish although I have made it perfectly clear how I feel and where he stands and that I'm seeing someone else. My ex has made up a few things about the guy I'm seeing, neither of which are true, which is telling me he won't let it go easily. Can people change? If I took a risk and followed my heart and got back with my ex, would that be a huge mistake? Or should I follow my gut which is telling me to run in the opposite direction and take care of myself/see what happens with the new guy. Do I follow my heart or gut instinct?I am totally confused, and threading this I know it sounds like an easy call but when your living this situation it's really really hard. Any advice from lovely aunts and uncles would be a help. If anyone has been in this situation before I would really appreciate knowledge on what you did and how it turned out.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Why on earth, after writing this all down would you ever consider giving him a chance. You wasted two years of your life with this controlling, compulsive liar do not out yourself through it. Cut ALL ties with him and anyone linked to him for then you are going to have a much better chance of getting over him.
Relationships that are happy and fulfilling do not function like that. You hold out until you meet someone who treats you with respect, kindness and makes your life better. A relationship should bring happiness and love to your life, yes they have ups and downs but ultimately it's nothing like you went through with that man. No lies, other women or being second to booze, drugs or mates.
A
female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (24 October 2013):
RUN!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Run, don't walk, away from your ex. This is not someone who make a mistake, fessed up to it, and did better. What you have described is a pattern of behavior. You have described a level of dishonesty that takes years to change, and you will end up living with doubt if you are with him. Do you want a relationship where, in your insecure times, you feel the need to check up on him because of what's happened? Cause that's your best case scenario - and the far more likely scenario is that one of those times you check up you're going to find something. What if you've married him by then? What if you have kids?Hard as it may seem, this is the easiest point in your relationship to leave him. Getting in deeper is not the answer. Run. Your heart lives in the moment; your gut is telling you what works for the long haul. There is someone out there who you will meet and love and who will love you - and that man will not betray you. He will build you up instead of tearing you down with his own selfishness. And you do that guy a disservice by depriving him of you in favor of a proven cheating liar.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Dear OP,
Please trust your gut, and look up info about codependent relationships to help you understand why you put up with his crap for so long and why you're thinking of returning to it.
Sort out the practical stuff with him pronto and then stop all contact. You need to detach yourself and it won't happen while you're still seeing him/ talking to him/ texting/ looking at each other's Facebook pages.
I know you feel confused but actually this is an easy call. It does take strength but you already know what you should do.
And I'd suggest you stay single for a while - no matter how slow you're taking it with the "star", it's really not fair on him while you're still hung up on the ex. Seek support from friends and family instead.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 October 2013):
The guy is a liar, so anything he says he's doing should not be taken very seriously. Hell, he even lied about your new boyfriend.
Your feelings also shouldn't be trusted right now. After all, why would you trade a guy who has proven himself to be horrible (HORRIBLE!) for a guy who has proven himself to be good to you so far?
I know it's not easy, but you already know the answer your question.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 October 2013):
 he needs a SOLID YEAR in FULL RECOVERY before you should consider taking him back... once he's got that you may find he's no longer as interesting to you nor you to him... addiction does interesting things to our minds.
I love and live with an active alcoholic... RUN Forest RUN... do not look back.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 October 2013):
 You write: "...Can people change? If I took a risk and followed my heart and got back with my ex, would that be a huge mistake?..."
No, and Yes.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I have to ask, WHAT are you getting out of all this drama?
YOU should follow your gut, and you know it. I think the fact that you two were together for so long, and you (like many young women) think that a "stormy relationship" is a sign of LOVE and fate. IT IS NOT. It's a sign that should tell you you two aren't really compatible. That no matter what, it's not going to work.
As for your ex, congrats to him that he is trying to "fix" himself. Maybe the next girl he dates won't have to deal with a total asshat. Then thing is, you two ONLY broke up a month ago (1 - read ONE month ago) NO ONE get's all "perfectly fine" in 30 days and you know it. You called him controlling. That is something he will probably always be. He is LYING about your new BF, hoping to sow some doubts in your mind about the new BF - THAT is manipulation/control. Trying to make you do/think something other then the truth.
The whole cheating, contacting other girls, trying to get laid constantly while you are at work, that isn't going to change overnight either. No anti-depressant can fix that. And it's DEFINITELY not a quick therapist fix either, mainly because he DIDN'T think he was doing ANYTHING wrong. And a therapist can't help you improve unless you accept and acknowledge that you did wrong.
And what about the past, it's STILL nagging you with his cheating, not only once but 5 times that you KNOW of.. Rebuilding trust is going to be a totally uphill battle. And I don't think you are going to "win" that one.
So, in short, if you WANT more pain, more drama and to waste more of your life, then, yeah go back to your ex.
Last but not least, you might have to let your current BF go, I don't really think it's fair that you are being with him using him as a security blanket. You are still SO caught up in your ex and the longer you talk to him - the longer you are going to be "stuck" on him.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 October 2013):
 If you follow your HEART you'd better bring a broom and dust pan with you cause you'll need them when it gets broken and it will get broken.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Just not to put too fine a point on it, but, are you insane , OP ? ..Are you out of your mind ?...
Even if you believe in giving second chances , you ALREADY gave him a second chance, when you caught him cheating in your own bed and forgave him. What did he do?- he proceeded to blew it a second, ( voicemail ) a third ( somebody's key broken in the lock- not your key of course, so... ) , a third ( first snooping in his phone ) a FOURTH ( second snooping in his phone )time.
Plus, add his drinking habits and his cocaine benders, and yes, we have such a beautifutl picture that we can understand why you can't wait to give him a fifth chance . NOT !
Sure ,the guy says this and says that. Well, he has been known to lie to you in the past, why do you assume he is telling the truth now ? Plus, even if he is, at the moment he is still in the process of TRYNG to ditch his addictions / bad habits. Tell him to come back to you when he has been clean and sober one or two years, no relapses- THEN in theory you could give him a chance.
In theory. In practice- first, hopefully in two years you'll have got rid of YOUR emotional addiction to this guy, and you will have found happiness and peace of mind , either with your current bf, hopefully, or with another man, or even on your own. Better alone than in bad company.
Second, even if he cleans up his act from substance abuse, are you sure he can clean up his act from been a serial cheater, a liar, and a control freak ? Very, very doubtful- I would not risk on such a dangerous bet.
More so, since you did not have a really hard, devastating time moving on. You did relatively fine ( although maybe you jumped into another relationship too soon). A break up is seldom a pleasant thing, and often brings in its wake painful, uncomfortable feelings of loss and longing. That's normal- just face these feelings, knowing that in time they will fade away. Don't go for the foolish quick fix to go back to this mess of an ex bf- as soon as he 's got you back, he'd make you bitterly repent of your choice and you'd be twice more miserable than you are now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): If I were you, in this situation, I'd listen to gut!Of course your going to have these confusing feelings. The feelings you have now are just longing for a relationship that isn't there anymore. The relationship you had in the beginning when you first got together. That relationship is not going to come back. You said yourself that you have given him many chances. Nothing changed....nothing is EVER going to change. He is just going to make the same mistake over and over.....why?......because he knows he can get away with it. That you will take him back. It's is going to be hard. But once he has officially moved out. Block and delete him from your life altogether and move on. It will hurt at first, but in the end you will feel relieved and realise that he was making you miserable. As for the new guy, I would let him go too if I were you. You are leading someone on if you still have feelings for someone else. I would work on you first, spend some time on you and get to know you. Then you will know when you are ready to move on - and will do. You will find someone that deserves you and wouldn't hurt you like this guy has. Even if you did give this guy another chance, you clearly don't trust him (not that you should), so the relationship is doomed anyway. Also he is trying to win you back by taking a long time to move out. Why is it taking so long to move out?You need to put your foot down, kick him out and move on with your life. You can do it!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): He was a large part of your life, it is natural to feel nostalgic and miss him when you see him... but you know you can't go back. He cheated on you and generally doesn't seem to have treated you with much respect. You broke up for a reason and I know this sounds harsh, but your ex didn't change for you. If he had wanted to change for you, he would have done while you were together. The fact he did it after you broke up... you breaking up with him was probably a wake up call, but that's it.It's really hard to let go of a relationship, let along a controlling one like you were in. But be strong and cut off all contact with your ex as soon as possible. It won't be easy, but eventually you'll stop thinking about him.Also, maybe have a think about your new relationship, it might be worth taking a break from that as well so you can figure out who you are again... Being with someone for five years and then moving on quickly won't give you any time to just be yourself for a while.Keep moving forward, don't go back.
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