A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help to move on from a past love interest. I have known a man who is 48 years old for 6 years from my walking group. I am in my 30s, I'm shy but am still able to interact with him. He is also reserved but popular with people in the group the same as I am.Over the years it has been a ‘cat and mouse’ game where there is a strong attraction between us but we have never progressed to dating as he lacks confidence and this is clear from the way he behaves around women.I usually pull away when I find out he has been on dates with other women. I know that he can date whom he likes as he is single but I pull away as I have feelings for him and I don’t want to get hurt.He feels more comfortable asking someone out online, as he doesn’t like in person rejection. He has been on dates with women in the walking group but they asked him out. He never finds love as all of the women realise how socially awkward he is and he can be quite negative. I have not known him to have a partner during the 6 years. He has never been married or had any children so I’m thinking he must be a confirmed batchelor.A few years ago I told him I liked him, as I didn’t know where I stood with him as we had spent a lot of time together and he was giving me signals. He had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on. I stayed away and went to less walks and events but ever since he has tried to woo my interest back with the things he says.I have always acted aloof since the rejection, as I don’t want to be used as a back up plan and I wanted him to think I had moved on. One time we were at a party and because I had pretended I had moved on he seemed disappointed so he got chatting to another woman that I knew. I was with friends and saw he and this woman was getting on well and I burst into tears. He never saw me cry and my friends were really shocked.He asked about my dating just before lockdown, which I thought, was odd as he hasn’t asked this before and why does he want to know. I asked about his dating and he said he had no luck and that he had tried speed dating and he uses Plenty of Fish and that only the older women contact him. I’m not sure why he uses that site as I have heard it gets bad reviews.During lockdown I joined some online groups to meet new people for after lockdown. I found after I joined he was a member of some of the groups and he seemed to keep commenting on one woman’s posts in particular. Soon as I joined he stopped commenting, which it is clear he feels uncomfortable with me seeing what he posts.I went for a walk with him and some others last weekend but I don’t know why but we were awkward around each other and hardly spoke. I feel lockdown has made people feel down and he was quite down and said he has been lonely on lockdown and been walking on his own. I wanted to say to him I would have come walking with him but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt sad that he felt lonely in lockdown. Since the walk he has made his dating profile visible again.He was a bit negative on the walk and being the positive person I am I would have to reframe back what he said in a positive way to him because some of the things he was saying were not right. I should not have to do this, as I want someone who is positive and in a good place too.I don’t know if he being negative or has these mood swings are to do with him as a person such as a mental health issue. He is a mental health nurse so I don’t know if his job pressure affects him. He is also a Scorpio, I know some people don’t believe in horoscopes but they say Scorpio males may have a mood swing tendency.I have come to the realisation that there will be no relationship between us. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this man. It is clear he is non-committal, has mood swings and can be negative at times. If he was such a catch he would not still be single. I think I have built up an image in my head of someone that does not really exist. Just because he is handsome and we have common interests does not mean he is good for me. This situation is affecting my confidence.I really care about him, which is why I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again. I just started crying when the thought of never seeing him ever again popped into my head, it just feels so painful.What is the best way to get this resolved? Ask him what he thinks or move on meet someone else? I feel I deserve so much more. Please can I have some advice.
View related questions:
confidence, move on, shy, speed dating Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 Exactly, OP, you've got it. ...When all is said and done, the priority is you, not him. Do loving things for yourself, things that make you heal, which make you feel good- without him. As if he did not even exist. For all intents and purposes , he does not exist for you- because he cannot bring anything good , anything loving in your life.
Congratulations for having taken the first step toward freedom from obsession, and good luck with using the book and Cd, hopefully you'll find them helpful.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 July 2020):
Yes, you need to move on. You need to be brave and become able to face reality and accept that 6 years is a long time to waste after a pipe dream, that in 6 years if something was going to happen it would have happened already,... and that you are a bit rewriting history to put on it a more acceptable ( for you )slant , which is totally missing in the eyes of impartial third parties.
This guy is not shy, is not socially awkward,- he is just not into you. He is not interested, that's all. Allright, he may also be a bit shy and a bit socially anxious etc. , but , obviously not to the point to not date. In fact , he dated women ( plural ) in your walking group. So what , if they asked him first. The point is, he never turned down any woman who asked him out - they may have not clinched enough for a relationship, but, he did not turn them down. He went on dates.
Not with you ! He knows perfectly that you liked him ( you told him ) and he turned you down. He was taken aback,embarassed , and probably mortified, that's why he had ( or simulated ) a panic attack; anyway, whichever way you want to turn it.. he said no dice. And continued saying it " with his actions " for 6 years.
It's not going to happen. Accept it. There's no shame in being refused. It does not say anything negative about you, just that you don't meet his taste , at least for what he looks for in a GF. You have been brave in telling him how you felt about him, but your courage and sincerity do not entitle you .. to be liked back. You tried , it did not work. Hey, at least you knew. You should have started moving on, right away, since then ; you did not, and decided to cling to some mental image which you have of this man , and which, as you admit yourself , does not correspond to reality. That can change, you can always start today doing
what you did not do yesterday. Don't waste anymore time , though, - he is no so precious nor so special to deserve it. ( And, if you ask me, beside his other faults as remarked by you, I'd say that maybe he is also a bit long in the teeth for someone your age.. )
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2020): Sweetheart, have you ever considered the possibility he is gay? I am, and I will try and enlighten you.
Men deep in the closet will go through all the motions to convince family and acquaintances they're dating women...but the mess about him being shy for all these years? No-way, my dear, nobody's that shy! He has dated the other women, yet nothing ever came of it thereafter. Hint! Hint!
The fact he uses dating sites is just another way to throw you and other women pursuing him off. Maybe he is gay, but has yet to pursue any male-companionship. Well, at least you wouldn't know that; if you're tracking him on hetero dating-sites. Which is kind of stalky!
If he is aware of it, straight or otherwise...he will not want to encourage you; but he will try not to upset you, or make you angry enough to embarrass him. You are treading very close to unhealthy-behavior. Very very close!
You're likely infatuated with a gay-man; and there is no fathomable reason anybody is going to be shy for six long years! I will even venture to tell you this is becoming an obsession, and it seems quite unhealthy. I've known very nasty females who try to out men who've rejected them. Even falsely accusing straight-men of being gay! The end result is, they were still rejected!!! The men involved wanted nothing more to do with them for being vicious and vindictive! It gained them nothing for going that route! Naturally, he will do whatever he can to avoid it. Fatal-attractions are no joke! You can't read minds, and you never know what people are capable of!
Straight or gay, apparently he's not romantically-interested in you. You can keep sending posts looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear; but the reality is, he has made no moves of a romantic-nature in your direction. You're paralyzed with fear of his rejection; but if you see nothing came of the dates with other women who asked, put two and two together. I don't want to hurt your feelings; but he seems to be doing that already, unintentionally.
You have to accept the reality that he is not interested in dating you; and the presumptive reason he has not asked you out, is because he probably may not be attracted to you...or women at all!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): He may be socially awkward, he may well be shy but he has proven time and time again he can and he does ask other women out and goes on dates. Im sorry but you think somehow his feelings for you are in a romantic notion, i beg to differ.
You are holding onto something that just simply isn't there for you to ever have, it never was. Honestly, you need to move on, its just not reality.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 July 2020):
 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Each time you post you say the same things, get the same advice and still fail to move on.
Saying "I still hold on because I don’t think I could ever deal with not seeing him ever again" is the relationship/ marriage equivalent of saying "I can't leave but I still love him". It is pointless anyone giving you advice because you are stuck in this habit of clinging to a man who has proved he does not want you. He is probably flattered you are so smitten by him but he doesn't want any more than admiration from afar from you. You gave him his chance and he "had a panic attack and made up some excuse that he had been leading me on". What he was telling you in a non-confrontational round-about way is "I am not interested in you. You have misread the signals." Other women in the group have asked him out and he has gone out with them but he does not want that from you, otherwise he would have taken his chance, wouldn't he?
Saying "I don’t want to get hurt" is all well and good, but your actions don't match your words. You are obsessed with this man you can't have. I believe the universe sends people into our lives to teach us lessons. If we refuse to learn the lesson, the universe keeps trying to teach us until we do. You will not stop hurting until you learn what is good for you and your well-being - and it is not this man. You read things into every little thing he does, thinking it is all related to him having feelings for you. You make excuses for his behaviour, even putting it down to stupid things like his star sign. I mean, honestly? How long are you going to carry on wasting your life on this guy?
Such a shame you are not yet ready to move on and try to find better.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have purchased a hypnosis cd called Stop Obsessive Love and a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward. I know it is time now to tackle this issue as this obsession is very unhealthy and I can't keep procrastinating. I am the priority, not him. I am going away so I will listen and read these without any distractions. The silly thing is if this was a friend I would be saying the same things that everyone else keeps telling me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (15 July 2020):
Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You have all the "evidence" you need directly from him to know he is not interested in having a relationship with you. You have had advice on this site but you still harp on about this man. Even in this one post and discounting previous ones, it is obvious this guy does not see you "that way". He doesn't mind walking or talking with you but is not romantically interested. How long are you going to hang on hoping he will magically become the Prince Charming you want? Stop wasting your life. This guy has made it plain he is not interested.
Stop believing everything he does has something to do with you. That is just crazy behaviour. Accept he is not interested and leave him be. And as for bursting into tears because he's chatting up someone else. . . How inappropriate and how embarrassing for everyone there. You are a grown woman. You need to start acting like one.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2020):
 Absolutely agree with Anonymus,
You have written about this man MANY times, and nothing has really changed or will change.
You need to get your head out of the clouds and stop living in your imagination of the "could be", maybe, what if" with this guy. IT's not going to happen. HE just wants attention.
You FEEL you deserve so much more, you say... SO why on God's green Earth are you settling for this asshat?
Why are you crying over someone you NEVER really had anything DEEP with?
And WHY do you think you should LEAVE it to HIM to decide what you deserve?
In short? Get your head out of your bum and your imagination. Change walking group, meet new people, accept that he is NOT a great guy or a good match FOR you.
Live your life, with YOURSELF and YOUR friends and family as the CENTER of your personal universe, not some dude who RAN a mile when you told him you liked him!
Why are you hung up on him? Because you thought and IMAGINED there was something mutual there. It hurt your feelings when you realized there wasn't. And you are now trying to convince yourself that HE must be some mega PRIZE that you are missing out on, except... He isn't. You put him (without his knowledge or common sense) up on a pedestal that you have worshipped. It's time to LEAVE him up there or rather, JUST forget about him.
Have you eve heard of "pick up artists"? Men who essentially play games with women to gain their interest and get notches in their bed post? His behavior is kind of similar. MANIPULATIVE. UNFEELING. IMMATURE.
You would think women were smarter than these "pick up artists", but no. We are not. Not sure why ANY woman with self-respect would EVER fall for manipulative bullshite. You seem kind, you seem caring... But you also seem desperate enough to keep HOPING that he will WANT you, so you keep building him up, you keep feeding his vanity and keep getting hurt.
I'd say this last, how many times would you let a horse kick you in the face before you learned to not stick your face in the path of a hoof?
Want MORE for yourself. Rein in your imagination. Read Jane Austen if you want a dreamy man in your imagination! This guy? Isn't it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2020): Yes it's time to move on. I see no alternative. He isn't interested. You have posted about this at least once before, nothing has changed, you can't change him, so what else, other than move on, CAN you do? Please don't tell me that you intend to waste the rest of your very precious life mooning after someone who is so unavailable and so socially awkward and disinterested? You mention that you don't think he's a good fit for you. Please realise that all this thinking you have done about this man, has built him up into something he just isn't. If you WERE together, from everything you have said about him, he wouldn't satisfy you in any way at all, so what's the point anyway?You will be TOTALLY able to not see him anymore and be absolutely fine! Once you have broken this ridiculous fairytale bond that you have created in your head.The sooner you realise that all this attraction is not actually real, it's imposed onto someone who has become some kind of a challenge, then the sooner this 'bond' will break. You will be able to look back on this, wondering what you got all tied up about in the first place and why you wasted all this time.The first heartbreak I suffered was after I had been with someone I liked so much, for a year. He went on to be with another woman from our group of friends. Boy, did it hurt! I was in hell for a month and very unhappy for a further two months, when suddenly....I started to think about things, other people. Without trying anymore.And guess what? He came back and wanted to try again. And guess what again? I didn't want to know, because i had moved on. I survived and so will you! Something you MUST do if you don't want to look back on a very wasted life. Join a different walking group, NOW! Forget him and move on. Be strong. It's so much better than being weak.
...............................
|
