A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my (ex?) girlfriend slept with someone else. i didnt realize that were officaly broken up sisnce we were still doing everything that couples do like go to a show,dinner, sex, etc.... we have had out differences that could have easly been worked out with simple conversation but she isnt one to sit down and talk about her feelings. so i felt in limbo. well the other day i found out that she sleped with someone else. (would you think that is cheating?) i feel mad and hurt but calmed down enough to talk to her about it. she said she was drunk and a friend stoped over and she regrets it. I didnt grill her on her actions just questioned why and reinforced how i felt about her and that i never once strayed on her nomater if i thought we were broken up or not. i was saving money for a future for us etc... she didnt say much during my talk, just sat there and cried. I dont know what to do guys. my heart loves her so much and implants immages in my mind of what could be. my head is telling my heart that i can do better. this is a constant battle that got to give because it is driving me nuts! thanks for your thoughts on my situation it helps me orginize my thoughts
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have made the decission that it is time to move on with my life. the emmotional bagage that i am lugging around with is to much for me to handle. i am feeling goood now but i know there will be set backs. i have to keep in mind that this relationship had some toxic undertones that could prove very dmaging. Although her being with arother man and knowing the details with it makes me sick to my stomach a part of me thinks that if i had any doubt this was the icing on the cake. I deserve someone who will treat ne with love and respect like i would treat her. I wished her luck with her new venture and hope she was happy. she cried. in life decissions have consaqunces both good and bad but we have to live with them. thanks all for your support and sorry for my poor spelling. every post was mature and helpful
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni had to work for a bit and couldnt wait to log in and see what you guys had to say.trancedrhythmear, you must have read my mind. at work i did make a list of pros and cons and the cons beat the pros 4 to 1.jmtmj i am focusing on a relationship that is not realistic i seee that. all of you hit on so many points. as i did the pros and cons list i took it one step further by making a list of my self and what i would like in a relationship and when i put them side by side i thought wow if this was one of my friends i would ask them why are you with this person. the pain is still there though, but something happened today that added to the cons list. she text me and asked how was work. i said i was working aloe and real hot. her responce was that stinks. you know if is was me i would have said would you like me to bring you something cold to drink?" it is going to be tough road for me. we do work togetherand she will text or call atleast once a day. part of me wants to lay into her sooooo bad and hope she feels the pain that i do but, im playing it cool you catch more flies with honey that vineager. im not compleatly sure she regrest what she did that is a huge deal breaker in my book. thanks guys and if you kould add any more i would appriciate it greatly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): The natural instincts at work here are huge. You can logically tell yourself how you should react to this but you are still stuck with an emotional reaction that is different. And much worse.
A man in your position has had his child's paternity risked. What if she turned up pregnant soon after this overlap in sex partners? Her intentions may not been anything like a worthless cheating bitch, but the risk FOR YOU is exactly the same. So your emotional programming will not see this any differently than if she just callously went out and cheated on you and then kept it secret from you.
I do not wish to discourage you, I am only trying to point out what you are really dealing with. A woman in your shoes will feel hurt but she will probably not feel the same lasting intensity of the betrayal that you feel. If the sexes were reversed there is so much less risk for the cheated-on wife. As long as the cheating man really did not intend to cheat or repeat it, the danger to the wife's future is small.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Hey pal!
the mind and the heart should both feel in the same place with love. If not, its important you make a decision. I broke up with my ex GF by simply writing down the positives and negatives of being in the relationship. How was the relationship benefiting me? How was it not? In the end, the bad outweighed the good but because I made the decision logically, I had no regrets and did it with confidence. Letting any single emotion to solely drive a decision can end up in disaster since any logic is removed from making a judgment. Best to you :)
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 "my heart loves her so much and implants immages in my mind of WHAT COULD BE. my head is telling my heart that I CAN DO BETTER"
Ultimately its up to you. I'm just a bit worried that you're focusing on what could be, instead of what is. Stop focusing on the future you have envisioned with her, put that all aside as it could be clouding your judgement and focus merely on the present when making this decision.
Also take into account that thinking "I can do better" may not just suddenly go away if you get back with her... it may become a seed of doubt that whittles away at you during the relationship.
But you sound like a pretty rationale guy, I'm sure you'll look at this from every angle before making a decision...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks cerberus for your insight it helps. i dont have a temper so keeping my cool is not a problem but i am carefull not to lable her or name calling. i belive she has some issues she has to work on and needs to mature but i talked to her about this in the past and she will not open up eventhought she knows i am a easy person to talk to. i am not a mind reader but she thinks i should be i have listened to her complaints about me or us for years and did work on things and was very pacent with her but when i have a problem i get brushed off. in the past we would go months with no physical contact because she was in a funk and i never thought once to go elsware.i belive she may be suffering from a little depression but im no doctor and pushed her to get out more with family and friends instead of just me it would be good for her and even gave her a couple of bucks to go see a show with a girlfriend when money was tight for her i dont know if i can trust again if she tells me she is going to go out with friends in the back of my mind i will always think what she is realy doing. i loved unconditionly and now feel used up. wondering if she realy loved me or not
Thank you
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 You handled it well enough so congratulations for not losing your head on such a delicate matter.
What do you want to do? Which do you want to listen to? Your mind will always tell you deep down inside that you can do better will it not? But your heart knows that you want her to stay with you and your heart knows that perhaps she truly regrets it. I have always been one to trust my heart and sometimes it makes more sense than my mind ever could. Right now, your heart is telling you that there is still a future. A good sign is that she did not say anything, she sat there completely vulnerable to whatever you were about to say to her and that means she really regrets it. But you know her far better than I do and I could never truly know because I was not there to see it but from what I have read, it was an honest mistake, a large one but a mistake nonetheless.
I hope that helps.
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reader, bruce lee  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Listen to your head/mind.
Most of the time, listening to our heart just puts us in awkward situations. Years later, we realise that we should not have been emotional about a decision. We should have just looked coldly at the facts.
You don't have to be nasty about it, but avoid this woman for the next few decades. She sounds like she's all stuffed up in the head.
Take care now. And find some other woman who is more emotionally stable.
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