A
male
age
41-50,
*ac1351
writes:Should I follow my head or my heart?I have been married for five years now, but for the last year things haven't been going to good in my marriage. I am in the military and since my last deployment my wife has withdrawn herself from me. We have talked to a counselor about these issues but it hasn't helped. We have a 3 year old daughter, my lovely little girl. I cannot imagine life without her, but I dont want her to grow up in an unhappy home.A few months ago I met someone. We hit it off right away and have so much in common. I didn't expect to fall in love with someone but it seems like I have. I feel terrible about it because I am married and I have a little girl. But things with this girl feel so right, my heart skips a beat when I check my email to see if she wrote me. My head is telling me that I have to stay with my wife for the sake of my daughter. My heart is telling me that I have found my soul mate with another woman.Please help me.......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Either get over your fear of divorce or get this new woman out of your life and mind. Don't string along your wife in a marriage where she is being cheated on and taken for a fool.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Both your head AND your heart are wrong. So don't listen to either.
Your head is telling you that you have to stay with your wife for your kid's sake. Research has shown this often leads to emotionally unhealthy families and unhappy children. In a way its a cop out for unhappy people who are too afraid to solve their problems because of the discomfort and losses that come from ending a marriage. Instead they use this as an excuse to continue wallowing in their unhappiness and spreading it around while feeling self righteous. You say you don't want your kid to grow up in an unhappy home as your reason against divorce. Well, is your marital home a happy one?
Your heart is saying you've found your soul mate in this other woman. Based on how little you know her and how you don't have a real relationship with her (because your marriage prevents that) I would say its unlikely that your heart is correct in this one. Rather you are simply emotionally vulnerable to the double whammy of being disappointed in your wife and infatuated with someone new
You should see the other posters comments as a better way to examine your situation because the problem as you have framed it yourself is based on illogical premises.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Well, you seem to feel very strongly about your connection to this other woman. So have you read our suggestions? How are you planning to handle this situation with your wife and daughter? Are you prepared to possibly enter into a custody battle over her? Visitation? Child support issues? Alienation? Have you accepted the fact that your wife may prejudice your daughter against you? Are you prepared to feel disconnected from your daughter? If you are prepared for all this and more, yet still willing to pursue a relationship with this woman, then I wish you well. You are going to need major intervention from a higher power to get through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): once your child turns 18 and leaves home it makes no sense to stay married for her sake. (as long as you don't have more kids with your wife, which you shouldn't if you're feeling so ambivalent about her)Thus you have 18 years in which your child would determine your choice of partner. But a marriage is meant to be for the rest of your life, not just for 18 years. therefore, to me, it's more important to choose your marriage partner based on the relationship, than to base it on your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2012): You don't have to stay married to your daughter's mother if you don't want to. It's much better for a child to grow up with separate but healthy and happy families, than one intact nuclear but dysfunctional family. An intact nuclear family where the parents are unhappy with each other, is a big fat lie and you're making your child live a lie. This can really mess up your kid's idea of what family and adult relationships ought to look like. She may grow up being detached in her marriage, or argumentative, because she thinks this is what a typical marriage looks like. If you and your wife can't have a happy marriage, then don't be married to each other.
but if you decide to leave your wife, you should be prepared to become a single dad and be alone indefinitely and on your own. This new woman may very well not be your soul mate after all, as you really don't know her that well so she's still an open-ended question. The only way to know if she's really the one for you, is to openly date her in a real relationship unencumbered by the restrictions and dishonesty of an extramarital affair. Then you may find out that she is in fact the right woman for you, or it may fizzle out like most relationships. But the only way to know is to go all out and be in a REAL relationship with her rather than having her on the side. And to do that you must first divorce your wife, thus taking a risk that you might leave your wife and still end up with nothing if it doesn't work out with the new woman after all You have to be OK with being alone. If not, if being alone scares you too much, then you need to stop all contact with this other woman and find a way to make your marriage work properly.
If you do decide to end your marriage and take your chances on this new woman, as a matter of practicality you should put the new relationship on hold until your divorce is over and finalized, and probably even for some period of time after ward while you and your ex-wife and daughter are settling into a new routine of not being a nuclear family anymore. If the new woman does turn out to be your soul mate and you end up marrying her in the future, she will become your daughter's step mom. That means that she and your daughter's mother will have to be in each other's lives to some extent forever, tied forever through you, and it behooves everyone for this relationship between the two women to be civil and devoid of hatred. That will NOT happen if your wife knows that you cheated on her and left her for this new woman, that pain and hatred will stay for the rest of her life. That will cause tension forever between the three of you and for your daughter. So if you're going to leave your wife, do it the right way to minimize damage that can't be undone.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Mac,
IF you do not have regular contact with this new woman and all you feel is a strong connection in your brain, I’m thinking that once you two begin the process of day to day integration, all that glitters and shines will become dull and dingy.
You love her. Ok. I’ll accept that. Now tell me why….
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Did you meet the new woman over the internet? and have you met her in person and spent any length of time with her in person?...I was just wondering.
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A
male
reader, Mac1351 +, writes (27 December 2012):
Mac1351 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have never wanted to get a divorce, my parents were divorced and I grew up with a step parent. I never wanted that for my child. But I dont feel the same love for my wife anymore.
I dont think I was entirely clear about the girl I met either. She doesn't live close to me, so regular contact is not possible. Also from the moment we met I have felt a strong connection to her. I dont know anything about love at first sight or soul mates because I have never experienced things like this. This feels so right. But it is an impossible situation, she says the same thing. She is divorced with a little girl and knows how hard it is to get divorced with children. She tells me all the time that I dont know how hard it will be to do this. But I cannot be without her. I love her........
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2012):
Staying married and miserable for the sake of the children is a lousy thing to do. First of all kids are very resilient and they learn to cope easily. But the parents must behave like adults.
MY kids always told me they were happier when mommy and daddy split up that they hated all the fighting when we were together.... they are 26 and 28 now... and did just fine with their lives.
Daddy paid child support and had visitation for the first few years, then it was better for them to go live with the daddy and visit with me... and they did that for the rest of their growing up time...
Have you asked your wife if she wants to work on the marriage? IF she says yes, do you want to? IF either one of you does NOT wish to make the marriage work, it won't work and divorce is the best option.
IF you both want to try to make it work (and getting butterflies in your stomach over a new chick is not a good reason to end a marriage) then counseling to learn better communication and coping skills might be in order.
Remember that if you leave your wife (who has grown old and boring and common place) for the girl that makes your heart skip a beat, nothing it to prevent that girl who now makes your heart skip a beat from becoming that old boring same old same old... maybe it's just the thrill of the chase or the fact that you are cheating that makes it such a thrill?
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A
male
reader, scottmartinez2012 +, writes (18 December 2012):
 If you and your wife agree that marriage is falling i guess you can plan out child support and all along with separation until you two do not feel for one another.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 December 2012):
I think you can't possibly tell what someone is really like after a few months.
Remember how you felt about your wife after a few months? Didn't last did it? You have to really figure out what's going on with your wife, try going to another counselor.
If you have tried everything, and I mean everything, then it's time for a divorce. Otherwise put as much effort as you can, because when you first got married I bet you would have done anything for your wife. Don't forget that!
Staying in a bad marriage for your child is not a good idea, but putting a lot of effort to make your marriage better is.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 December 2012):
Would you stay in your marriage if there wasn't another woman on the scene?
If you end a marriage it should be because the marriage has died and the love has gone, and you have tried everything to save it. You should not end it because you found someone better to move on to.
There are ways to ensure your child doesn't suffer too much if you split from your wife but it will take a fair bit of compromise and understanding.
Don't expect your wife to play ball when she knows you have another woman, because her feelings won't allow that, so if this is what you want, then you need to be reasonable when you end things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): I was that little girl once too. My parents grew apart. Except it was reversed. My dad withdrew from my mom. They fought. They did not get along. They wanted to divorce.Don't kid yourself. The decision you make now will change your daughters life forever. And it will damage her considerably. It may not seem that way at three, but she's going to grow up. She's going to go to school. She's going to ask questions about why daddy left mummy for another woman. She will have a broken home, and she will suffer because of it.I had terrible emotional damage from my parents bad relationship. But guess what? They worked it out. They went to counselling. They fixed it. Effort and communication can solve a lot. I am happy to say that I, once that little girl, recovered fully with their love and support to back me up.Nothing beats having your parents together. Nothing. Think twice before you do this to your child.
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A
female
reader, MenLoveMe +, writes (18 December 2012):
Infatuation is like a drug. It makes you feel all mushy inside over something fresh and new. Are you sure it is love? How does she respond to you? Also, you have not been married very long and may not have been prepared to be apart so early in the marriage. This may be very stressful on a young/new bride who also is raising your daughter alone. Though your work is keeping you apart she may feel betrayed and abandoned by you. Only you can restore her faith in you. A lot of homework may have to be done before a professional counselor comes in. You may need to find ways to get her to communicate and tell you what she needs, but that will require a choice on your part. If you decide to go hard and work on your marriage, you have to let this infatuation go. If there is anything in that relationship worth saving, it can be restored should your marriage fail. But you have to examine where your wife is emotionally, physically, and psychologically in this marriage. Once you feel clear about whether to fight for your wife or let her go, then you will know how to handle your new love interest. You cannot have them both. You have to make a decision. If your marriage fails and you did not really try, your daughter may grow up resenting you for that. If so, she will have isues with men so she will need lots of love and support from both of her parents and counseling. Either way, right now both parents have to show love and respect toward one another in her presence. It has to be genuine, though, not an act. Children are very perceptive and can see right through that. It will help to take a break from the new girl to figure things out. Do not disclose any info about your marriage to her. If the marriage heals, you may regret that. Also, it will just complicate things if you involve this other woman, so don't do that. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, truelover69 +, writes (18 December 2012):
wow... i am in a very very similar situation as you are my friend.. lol only I am a female and my bf/soilmate and i have been apart for 22 yrs then recently reunited after he sought me out we spent 4 yrs living together in the 80's ..wow when i read this it strick some bells and nerves i had to amswer this.. all i can say is this do what your heart tells you to do, and i will tell you this you may be doing your daughter more harm than good if youstay in a marrage that you have falle n out of love with he rmom .. and jus thtink this could be a double pluss for you my firend one way is this: you follow you rheart and you go with the one your in love with if your sure your both inb love an d want and love oen another and you feel your true soulamtes then i say GO FOR IT! true love onbly coem s once in a lfietiem if yoru liucky to find it an dblessed ..;) and the secodn plus is instead of stayign in a marrage your not hapy in though you wont be with your daughter living in the hine day in day out the plus side is thus wouldk you r= rather when your chikd sees you , see you with a happy face and smiling happy to see her and hwr alwyas havign hapy smiling memoreires of her dad and this creates her not to be subjected to growing up in a home where there would be fighting , deception and un hgappiness whcih would spill over into her knowing and your chod feelign bad ,sad maybe that yoru triulbed marrage an dfights may be her fault?? hmm somehtign to consider i belive firmlu when one of the mates falls out of ove or i lvoe and truly feels they have finally foudn their true love/soulmate they are better off goign and beign happy and if have kids then in th elong run the chikdren will be happier to not have to grow upin a home with fighting cheatign arfgung mom and dad and then it may back fire and trun your daughter inot a very slef hatered behaviours thkng you and your wife fight and thie hoem is an un happy place ot be at so i belvie in my whole being YES! go be truly happy and in foing so.. you daughter will be also living in a mor eharmoniuous hime with no fughting parent s and hapier to see yo wnen you visit her then seeign a frowing daddy fighting with her mommy shell jsu t remeber the hap smiling face and th egood tiems and the peace in her own home and llate rwhen shes grown or evne as a teen she will enjoy seing an dknowing this other woman you met makes you hapy she will def be very happy to knpw her dad is happy and like id assuem the wo,an responsivle for makling her daddys lfe happy so i personaly see this as a doulbe win win situation i hope this opion helps you in yoru descins..best of luck to you..
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