A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend won't tell his parents we already slept together. As addition to this, he will never sleep at my house if he needs to tell his parents so, he will only sleep at mine if he can get a good excuse to do so. I just find this extremely annoying.We're both adults, and unfortunately, because of college and work, he lives far from me, which makes things even more complicated. I can count in one hand the times he had come over and slept with me, hence, had sex.My parents know everything about our relationship and my mom occasionally gives me advice when I seek it.I expected the same from him. He won't tell his parents because he's why about it or probably because his parents are religious (but not the sensitive type, just faithful).I don't know what to do anymore. I feel that your relationship could go stronger, I feel it everytime we sleep together, and it's so annoying to only be with him once a month and not have the opportunity to lady together side by side, even if it's just to sleep in each other's arms. This makes me sad. It's just too stupid to wait for the wedding to finally behave as we could have behaved before.Any suggestions?
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male
reader, scottmartinez2012  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 If he is making excuses with his folks about sleeping over at your place then i am sure that his parents know or have a hint about you two sleeping together. It is just that some family react differently when it comes to sex, either they would be embarrassed or they would embarrass you. But i think he should inform his family about sleeping over at your place just for safety.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers. It gave me great insight.The only matter that I wanted his parents to know it's because we could spend more time together and he has to make up excuses when we spend time alone.I eventually talked to him last night and we worked things out. I was childish not to see his side. Unfortunately, though he works, he doesn't have enough money to live on his own, that's why he still lives with his parents and he knows his parents well enough to know that they rather ignore the possibility of our intimacy than to know it face to face. Yes, he pointed out that while he lives under the same ceiling as his parents, he has to obey their rules. I don't know why but I hadn't thought this way.I only thought about this because a couple friend of ours made pressure on me to talk to my boyfriend about this, because they do everything they can and their parents know about it, so they don't have to make up excuses and avoid being together because of them. Influence has always its power on me, unfortunately.But my boyfriend is my best friend, so he helped me see things the other way around and fully understand his point of view.Also the insight you guys gave me helped me a lot more to understand and see things the other way. Relationship isn't the same to everyone. I was just worried because I cherrish so much the few moments we spend together. It's not about the urge to have sex, it's something much strong than that. And since it's much stronger, I will patiently wait for it until the time comes. He's the only one I want, after all.
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female
reader, Debbie12 +, writes (18 December 2012):
Why are you pushing for him to tell his parents why is this so important right now? Maybe he has good reason not to. Go with the flow and if you two become married that will become obvious. Why push?
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male
reader, fzald +, writes (18 December 2012):
As a man who's experiencing this sorta thing with his girlfriend, I have to say, I think you can blame BOTH sides, not just yourself in this one.It's partly your fault because you're expecting him to act a certain way, when he is obviously not ready to.But it's also his fault for not trying harder to work towards a better relationship with you.I think the best thing for you to do is to let him know exactly how you feel about this, but do it in a calm, comfortable way free from any hostility. Tell him that time together is special and it makes you so happy when you get to spend time with him. Tell him that you understand why he might be hesitant to talk to his family about your relationship but you want to work with him to make this relationship work long-term.(I'm not sure exactly why you think he needs to specifically tell his parents you're sleeping together. A lot of people would feel this is none of their family's business. So maybe don't get too hung up on his parents knowing that you're sleeping together, just that his parents know you're in a serious relationship.)See if you can get him to talk more about his family and why he has a hard time standing up to them. Yeah, it sorta means "playing therapist" but sometimes just getting someone to talk out loud around someone they feel comfortable with works wonders. You could even suggest a gradual increase in the time you spend together. You said you maybe see him one night a month? See if he'd be willing to spend an entire weekend with you at least once a month (we're talking Friday through Sunday here.) Give that a few months, then see if you can work up to two weekends a month for a few months. And so on. Of course, don't expect him to ditch his family. Allow him to have some private time with them every so often. At the same time, as your relationship progresses you should ask him about spending time together with his family. This will give you a chance to shine, show them what a great girl you are and hopefully be accepted.And of course make sure you always let him know you're supportive of him. Having to make the break from family is one of the hardest parts of growing up. We all want that independence and free will of being an adult, yet we still want, even crave or desperately need, that cushion to fall back on - that safety net. Tell him that you're willing to talk to his family with him, even if by phone, and that you're by his side no matter how hard this will be for him. If you're committed to this relationship, and if he can work with you, slowly, on opening these doors, I think you have a great shot at working this out. (If he absolutely refuses to budge at all on the issue, though, you might need to consider your relationship with him...)Best of luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): As someone whose had similar hurdles to physical love, I'll tell you it's your problem, not his.
Either you have to accept that he's very sensitive about sex and not ready to be open about it to his family or dump him and find someone else to give you an adequate amount of sex. If this were a man writing in about his girlfriend, I have no doubt most people would tell him to be patient and respect her boundaries, and I'm urging you to do the same thing if you care for him.
Yes, you're adults, but you're young adults and I suspect that your relationship with your parents are still very important. If he's still financially dependent on his parents in any way, I could understand why he's hesitant to disappoint them.
Do you still get to spend time with him and do you enjoy that time? If you were to dump him and not see him again, would you still think about him anyway? Those are the sorts of questions that should inform your decision,not your irritation of not being able to sleep with him as much as you would like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): if you are serious about him for the long term to the point that you feel you will get married to him, then it is in your best interests to go along with the way he is handling his parents. Think about it. They are going to be your future IN-LAWS. how they perceive you and your relationship will affect the rest of your lives. He knows his parents much better than you. If he feels it is important to not tell them, if he feels that telling them will make them become opposed to the relationship, then he is probably right. Why do you want your FUTURE IN-LAWS to be opposed to your relationship? There may be no wedding if that were the case. so if you seriously are considering marrying him, and even if it's already decided you will get married to him, it is best that you let him handle your future in-laws the way he feels is best. You do NOT want to start off your relationship with your in-laws with them thinking bad about you and your marriage.
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