A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To be honest you may have been asked this very question a million times and it must be the hardest to answer!Its is a matter of a married person who thought he was in love with his wife only to find a true love without looking.Ok here goes. I am 31 and have been married for 4 years nearly (wife 28). I have a 5 year old Son. In addition to this I have been with my wife for 10 years nearly and thought, obviously, she was the girl that I would spend the rest of my life with.Up until a year ago our relationship has been fine, not how it used to be in the begining as you would expect but I had no problems with it. Recently we have gone into a sort of Settled stage, you know, when your comfortable. Around 6 months ago we decided to try for another child as we both wanted another child.Around Novemeber my work had a pre christmas warm up night out. The strangest thing happened. A women who I sit opposite all day I suddenly found attractive. Ok I had consumed a couple of pints (that is the honest truth) and she obviously had toned up for the night out but I suddenly started to feel for her.The night grew on and was drawing to a close and myself and the women in question had spent most of the night chatting together. We got on so well and had so much in common.This sort of thing happens all the time at Christmas parties and work nights out but, this feeled different I felt that I had know her all my life now that I had seen the other side to her outside of work.To put a long story short on this night we ended the night kissing (most of the way home in the taxi) but that is where it ended, I dropped her off outside of her house and I went home.On the Monday back to work I was, as you probably guess feeling rather awkward at the thought of her sitting opposite me again (I later found that she was feeling the same). But when she did come in something inside me sort of clicked, I still found her attractive and felt no nerves what so ever. We swapped numbers on that day and she later texted me saying that she was worried all over the weekend about coming in but felt so relaxed as soon as she sat down.A couple of weeks later our group at work (around 10 people) went off for a Christmas meal and again myself and the women attended, again we hit it off from the start and ended up pretty much together all night talking, the night ended and the same thing happend, we kissed before I dropped her off.From then on through Christmas we have both grown closer together, just before the christmas break we had an office move around and we were seperated. That didn't stop how we felt about each other and apart from emailing each other many times a day and texting at night I visted her on a couple of occasions, Intermacy was not part of the meetings but I just felt so strongely that I had to see her.For the rest of the story to make sense I have to keep you upto date with my relationship with my wife. My wife had begun to plan our sexual life around the times of the month where she was most fertile, this was 2-3 times a month and did not "feel" like it the rest of the time. I was really feeling used by her and confronted her about it, she explained that we both wanted the baby so much she prefered to save it for those "best" times.A week before Christmas she told me that she was pregnant and as you would guess was very happy. I on the other hand didn't show as much excitment and she asked why. I coudn't tell her the truth obviously and that was that.In the new year I was working on a Saturday while my women friend was at home, we exchanged texts all day and we arranged to meet when I finished work. I went to her house we sat and talked for hours before going to the local. I then left her as I was due to go out with my friends on the night, something we had arranged a while back. I did go out but spent the whole night sending her texts. Finally I ended up going back to her house, leaving my friends partying. That night we did pretty much everything apart from full intercourse, we both thought it not right under the circumstances (not that what we did was right anyway).So, we are at the current day now. My feelings for this women have grown so much that they now surpass any of my previous girlfriends and even my wife. Where as my feelings and relationship with my wife have slid, not without effort on my part.I now know that I have found my true love but have no idea what to do about it. I can either stay as I am and be miserable for a very long time which may end our relationship anyway. Or tell my wife that I have fallen for someone else which not only will devastate her will leave a child and an unborn baby fatherless.All i know myself is that I don't love my wife and now I have met this other women I know that I never really did, something that I find hard to take but it is the honest truth.Is there any advice you can give at all to help me decide what to do. Whether it be the best thing or the right thing??Thank you in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMe again. Just to let you know that I called it off with the work mate, it pains me that I have done it but I know that it is for the best.
My wife and I have our babies 3 month scan on the 13th so lucking forward to putting all this behind me.
I know it will take time both to forget this women and regain what my wife and I had but I am willing to try.
Thanks to you all for your thoughts
It helped a lot. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies. They are all pretty much on the same lines.
Just to clear a couple of things up. I didn't just fall out of love with my wife when this new women came along it has been a good 2 years and it was getting worse. We did actually seperate last year for 6 months so it could sort of spruce up the marrage (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that) we moved back in together around September last year. It may have been wrong but the idea of a new baby made us hope to bring us back closer again.
The problem I have now is that I know I will never love my wife, I am disgusted with my self for feeling this way but thats life I suppose.
I have never had full intercourse with the other women. I would never do that unless I wasn't with my wife.
To be honest it is more my fault than the other womens she has on several occasions said that she doesn't think its a good idea and that I need to think about what I am doing. Which I have.
What I haven't mentioned here is that my wife has had a bit of a fling about 2 years ago, I found out about it by her mobile, she said it wasn't serious and they never did anything more than kiss, she then said she was sill and would end the relationship. I am very trusting so belive she has but I do see text messages from this guy on her phone so can't be 100% sure.
The reply about the new women cheating on me is a valid one if she does it now she may do it again. But it IS hard to think that as you are blinkered in the whole moment.
I am pretty sure that I am going to end this "fling" and will decide very soon thank you all for your thoughts I really do appreciate it as I had no one else to speak to.
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A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Wow, I really feel for you, I really do. I know that feeling ... it's like you're just waking up for the very first time when you meet that person you never even knew existed and they're standing right there in front of you. They're standing there...with all of the qualities you never thought you'd find or even knew you wanted in someone.
Okay...enough of the mushy stuff. Here's the real heartbreak:...YOUR married. You have a child and expecting another. YOU can not leave your wife. (my strong opinion I know, but you can't) You loved your wife UNTIL you met this girl? That really doesn't fly with me...either, there was trouble before or you are only infatuated with this girl at work. I mean you two were drinking...then kissed.. Drinking again...then kissed...I mean this is not REAL. Snap out of it and be a standup husband and father. And..this is the harsh part... WHAT the heck were you thinking sleeping with your wife..with the possibility of impregnating her and ALMOST sleeping with this co-worker. How can she go to work everyday and think this is okay...she could be in the very same situation as your wife in about 9 months with you too. I don't have any respect for her either. YOU both are selfish. Live with your wife honestly, if you can. You seemed to have no probs. for the past 10 years. HAve some decency for your pregnant wife and unborn child and end this now...or give me your wifes email.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2007): I had a female friend who was in the exact same situation as you are. She was married, had a child with her husband, but met someone at work that she instantly "hit it off" with and started seeing him behind her husband's back. The co-worker knew that she was married and had a child (he didn't seem to care... he was just after the prize).
Here's the problem: A woman who will date (and have intercourse with you) knowing that you are a married father with a pregnant wife has no integrity or morals. I can GUARANTEE you that if you two end up as a couple, she WILL cheat on you one day. It may not happen for many months, or even years, but if she does not honor the vows or marriage between you and your wife, she will NOT honor those vows (should you ever marry her).
Some folks are addicted to the "high" that is associated with finding a new and exciting partner... but even the most exciting partner becomes ordinary over time. She will age, she will get the flu, have the runs, perhaps gain weight, have mood swings, have PMS, etc.. You need to remember that you are seeing this woman at her best, and you are both sharing the excitement of a secret affair.
Let's say (hypothetically) that you abandon your wife, child and unborn baby for this woman. You are looking a child support for the next 18 years, financial difficulties that are horrendous, and the prospect of carrying around tremendous guilt. Will it all be worth it when you catch this new woman cheating on you a year from now? You will be furious, knowing how much you have sacrificed, only to find out that you're saddled with a common whore who has no integrity, honor or self-respect. A woman who possesses those qualities would never consider having sex with a married man who has a pregnant wife at home.
Do yourself a favor, and try to picture your life two years from now: Your wife is dating someone else, your children are being raised without you, and you have just caught Miss Thing screwing the new guy at the office.
My advice is this: Think long and hard before doing anything at all, and speak to a licensed therapist or counselor before making a move... your entire future depends on it.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Six months does not seem a long time to feel comfortable, plan to have a baby, try to have a baby, get wife pregnant, fall in love with somebody else and fall out of love with your wife! YOu must have been a busy boy!
Sorry to be harsh, it is possible to fall out of love with your partner and fall for someone else.
What is wrong is that you have betrayed your wife and have not thought to implications to your kids.
You were planning a baby with your wife, so where has that love gone?
It seems that you did not even try to work things outs and gave in to quickly to temptation.
You need to be honest with your wife, she deserves the truth. Would she want you to stay out of pity or for the sake of children?
You could both resent each other if you do not try to work it out together.
But if the other woman is who you want then do the right thing, end one relationship before starting another.
Kids always complicate relationship break ups, but would you be able to give them a happy environment by living with someone who do no longer love?
Only you know the answer to that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 January 2007):
 Geez Louise man, what a mess. You need to leave that home wrecker alone and I mean drop her like a hot potato and concentrate on your family. You and your wife decided on this new pregnancy so you owe it to her to be there for her during this trying time. During this time you also need to do some hard thinking about what truly caused you to want to cheat, I don't buy the sudden feelings for the home-wrecker I think she just caught you with your pants down (so to speak). After the baby is born and your wife has had time to recover sit down and have a long discussion about your marriage and what each of you need. Try counseling if you can't figure things out yourselves. Give it an honest try and if a couple of years down the road you still feel unhappy with your marriage get a divorce BEFORE you start up a new relationship. That way you can hold your head up and know you behaved with honor and integrity and tried your best. Make your kids proud. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, george81 +, writes (18 January 2007):
You need to think of your child more than yourself. It took alcohol for you to finally see this woman attractive?
Our Marriage vow's say to love and to honor and forsaking all others. I'm only 25 but married and I plan to work at my marriage, even if I am tempted by someone else I will stick by my partner through everything.
"My wife had begun to plan our sexual life around the times of the month where she was most fertile, this was 2-3 times a month and did not "feel" like it the rest of the time."
This just sounds like an excuse to blame your wife, you both made the decision to try for another baby, if you didn't want to try for another baby you should have told her. Not go and run off with the first person who shows some interest.
If you didn't really love your wife would you have been together for 14 years? Surely you would have left earlier.
I do not want to tell you that you should or shouldn't be with your wife that is for you to decide, but I still think you should stop seeing this other women until you are clear in your mind exactly what your feelings are.
It is all to easy for us to mistake lust for love and there is lways be more than one person in the world that we will be attracted to, and will tempt us.
Good luck and just be strong for your wife and children.
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A
female
reader, Optimistic +, writes (18 January 2007):
 What a sad story but it is only the beginning. I think all who read it will feel so very sorry for your wife. You have only just discovered this relationship with the colleague - it is very early days although you now feel so sure about it - my advice would be to please give yourself time... a lot more time - it will be so hard for you to believe now as you are experiencing all the euphoria of a new love.. you are still in the cloud nine stage but if you can allow yourself the possbility to realise that after one year you may not feel the same way at all towards this other woman. Your relationship with her will change over time and only time will tell if it is going to make you happy for the rest of your life. The problem is that you have reached a stage where you feel you need to take action. Before you do anything try to look at your marriage and see all the good in it not the faults. Maybe this is too much to ask but the right thing to do would be to suspend your new relaitonship at least until after the baby is born. Could you have just a friendship with the other woman for a year - time to see how you are together doing the right thing for your marriage. If this is to be the relationship you say for the rest of your life it will survive the tests and difficulties you will inevitably face. The alternative action will be more painful ie admitting all and leaving your wife - and what if it didnt work out? Hard though that is to believe right now - if you truly want to do the right thing you have to honour your marriage first and be 100% sure it is over before you explore the other relationship. Of course going to see a counsellor before you do anything would also be wise.
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (18 January 2007):
 You have issues with the intimacy of your relationship with your wife because she is planning everything around having a baby. Perhaps you feel that you are only there to provide this for her and that she has lost interest in you as a person. It is hugely flattering to get so much attention when you feel that is lacking.
This could happen any day of the week, but this time it caught you at a crucial moment. There are millions of people who could make you happy in this world, but most people leep boundaries around themselves to protect the life they have made and to protect the people they love. Yours were down.
You have been possessed by a mischevious demon which has made this look like happiness, but it has the face of ruin and misery behind it. You will not possibly be able to create a happy life with this other woman on a foundation of deceit, hurt and devastation for not just your wife but your beautiful children. You will drag it around behind you for always.
Being older than you I know it is possible to fall out of love with a partner for a while, in fact it may be normal. Falling back in love happens too. In fact I think people fall in and out of love all year around with their parters. You can't keep up that rush all the time. You may lose it for a year or so, or whatever. Then one of you does something wonderful and caring for the other and the whole thing is stoked up again. I think you would be crazy to let your marriage go when your feelings for this woman could disappear at any time.
Just wait until your wife finds out, you may find that your feelings for the other woman disolve the moment you see your wife's heartbroken face. It could be too late to save your marriage then. Perhaps you want to test your wife to see how much she loves you, measured by how much you can hurt her. Sorry to be hard and good luck with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2007): Please, Please, Please, dont try telling your wife that you dont love her... cox if you do you will ever be the most wicked person on earth she have see while she under pregnancy even though she doest not pregnant now and as long as you have her as you wife before you will have to remain with her... you not loving her was be cost my you and dont forget this you love her in the first time when you just met her just like the way you are loving this other woman aside you home... but dont forget this human develop love toward each other... like the way i see it.. your wife is be faithful to you now you want to hurt her and did you think going out with the other woman aside you family is the best for you I know of many men who have involve in suce a case but they end up regreting and trying to bring back the first love into their home again. And working in that way dont u know it reduces the personality to you as a family man? why cant you let this woman know that you mave married? Cox even that woman who knows you have a wife and still want to involve herself into friendship with you.. dont you think she just want to distrol your family and leave you as well.. like the way she do to you in other for you to fall in love with her likewise she will do to other men which you may not know while your lovely wife is right there in the home waiting for you to come to her who she be faithful with... so dear if you think sending your wife back to her parent is the best I tell you that you will regret it that way.. learn to love her now and you will see the betterness of a husband and wife....
hope this helps
best of luck
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