A
female
age
36-40,
*anis234
writes:I met my bf three years ago just before he left to go over seas with the army. We didnt "offically" start dating until he came home because he didnt think it was fair to ask me to wait for him, We wrote each other almost daily and I waited for him not so patienly. When he finally came home we were both over joyed to find out the the love we shared between letters was just as perfect in real life. Except one thing his mother HATES me. Within a few days of him coming home he asked me out on a date and his mom called several times during our date mad at him for ditching her for some "girl". When I met her she made it very clear that I was not good enough for her son. But we held strong and stayed tgether despite the many rude comments I have recieved over the years. Exactly one year ago today my bf left to do another tour and that night we talked abotu how when he returned we wanted to have a small family wedding and start a family :)When he came home for is R and R his sister had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I guess it gave both of us baby fever so that night and for the next 2 weeks we had unprotected sex in hopes of conceiving our own baby and it worked. Three weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I told him right away and we agrred that I would wait the standard 3 months before telling our families. When I told his parents the great news his mom slapped me across the face and said that I had cheated and was trying to pin the pregnancy on her son. It was horrible, for the next 2 months she told everyone in our town that I had cheated. When my bf finally came home I thought it would end but she tried convince him that the baby wasnt his. He literally had to tell her that he no longer wanted her a part of his life if she was going to treat me this way. It worked for a few weeks but when our son was born 6 week early she started again saying that my bf wasnt the father. He is 100% supportive of me and our son and has no doubt in his mind that our son is his. I asked him to take a DNA test to prove to hr and everyone else that he is indeed the father and he refuses, He said he knew that he was and he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. Im not sure I can handle the stress of this any more but how can I make it stop? How can I get her to accept me and her grandson?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Personally I understand a lot of this...
she's toxic.
just because she's his biological parent does not make her a good parent.
he has cut her out of his life with good reason. Accept this and move on... are there siblings of his or a father that you have contact with. Just ignore the toxic mom.
while I do not understand this younger generations need to have babies out of wedlock at least you two are in a committed relationship.
go to the courthouse and get married... live your life with your family and keep her out of it totally.
FWIW, my dear friend who is about 20 years younger than I am had a baby 6 months ago... her grandparents live very very far away (one set across the pond in England one set about a 5 hour car drive) so I'm 'grandma'
children can get love and family attention from other healthy places.
best of luck to you and yours... and get that boy to marry you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Pardon me , but it does not sound your bf is supportive, or , if he is, he is in a most ineffective way.
He's probably right not to want to bother with a DNA test, you know he's the father, he knows he's the father, end of the story .
But, letting his mother get away with physically attacking you ? Letting her circulate gossips and lies that defile your character and in future may hurt and trouble your child ??.
No no no. This has to stop, by any means necessary. He needs to take a stand, and let them know in no uncertain terms what are the things he won't put up with. Affection for you, and acceptance for your child , he can't demand it ( even if experience tells me that in time they'll warm up to the child and will accept him and love him ) But RESPECT , at least formal, oh yes. You are the woman he has chosen to make a family with- at this point , even if the child really wasn't his child !, it makes no diffference. you and baby are the family that he has chosen to have and to be loyal to, - they need to take this into account before flapping their tongues.
Why is your bf being so laid back ( I don't want to say " such a wuss ", but ... ) about it ? He is a military man, he should be used to show some backbone, at least if the battle is worth fighting. And this is.
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A
female
reader, tanis234 +, writes (11 October 2012):
tanis234 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@malereader-
my bf and I were in a committed loving relationship and had plans to marry and start a family when his tour was over. When he came home for R&R we decided that we would start TTC a little early never thinking it would happen so quickly. We LOVE our sona nd he is the greatest blessing klife has given us. Hw wasnt conceived from selfish feelings or so random hook up, he was a very wanted child and is loved beyond words.
As for his mother not liking me from day one, bfs response to it was that she never liked any of his girl friends and he wasnt going to let her push me away. WE love each other.
As for me telling his parents , he was over seas when I told them and he wanted one of us to tell them in person so I did. I read a letter that he sent to me to read to them about how excited he was to know he was going to be a father.
I have NEVER cheated on my bf and never will. Our son was born 6 weeks early when I was rushed to the hospital after having an accident at work. Our son was 6 weeks early and spent 3 weeks in the NICU because he was premature.
My bf sees no point on wasting money on a test to prove he is the father of a child that he knows he fathers and he thinks that will just give people the idea that he doesnt trust me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): "When I met her she made it very clear that I was not good enough for her son."Then you knew what you were getting into from the very start. "When he came home for is R and R his sister had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl and I guess it gave both of us baby fever so that night and for the next 2 weeks we had unprotected sex in hopes of conceiving our own baby and it worked."Sorry, but I can't think of a worse reason to conceive a child: selfish, short-sighted, small-minded, petty, juvenile and fantasyland unrealistic. What thought did you give to the environment into which your your child would be born, not to mention his/her long-term best interests? "When I told his parents the great news his mom slapped me across the face and said that I had cheated and was trying to pin the pregnancy on her son."No excusing her, but what did you expect? You both knew she hated you, and even if she didn't I can completely understand why his mother wouldn't consider her deployed son's girlfriend telling her that she's knocked up to be "great news." Why didn't HE tell her? "I asked him to take a DNA test to prove to hr and everyone else that he is indeed the father and he refuses, He said he knew that he was and he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone."Then baby daddy is just playing right into his mother's hands, giving her ammunition to use against you by deliberately refusing to provide the irrefutable proof that would shut the harridan harpy up for good. By my standards that is NOT being "100% supportive of [you] and [your] son." "Im not sure I can handle the stress of this any more but how can I make it stop? How can I get her to accept me and her grandson?"You are asking the impossible. You can't make it stop and you can't "get" her to do anything she doesn't want to do. And genius boyfriend/baby daddy isn't helping, he's only making a bad situation worse, and whether consciously or not, he's been sabotaging you every step of the way. Unfortunately you and bf made an irresponsible and reckless decision to get yourself knocked up on a childish spur-of-the-moment whim knowing his mother was actively opposed to your relationship. If I was her and you'd told me out-of-the-blue that you were knocked up with no prior indication, then I'd have probably assumed you were trying to trap him as well; and if the baby was born "six weeks early" then I'd also wonder if the baby was conceived "six weeks early." The mess you've made would have taken a while to clean up even if you were dealing with a rational person, which you most certainly are not. But don't blame it all on her, you and boyfriend aren't innocent victims, your negligence and stupidity have made a bad situation exponentially worse. My thoughts and prayers are with an innocent child who did nothing to deserve to be born into such instability and turmoil.
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A
female
reader, tanis234 +, writes (11 October 2012):
tanis234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I guess I just dont want the reason for my bf to lose his relationship with his mother be because of me. I would love for my son to know his extended family espically his grandparents but I dont want him growing up listening to her lies. My bf and I had a long talk and he trust me and doesnt have a doudt in his mind that our son isnt his and in the end that is what is important. I am one very lucky girl to have such an amazing and supportive bf :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): Hello! i can understand how difficult tings can be for you with this kind of situation.I would highly recommend for you to pray a lot and ask God for her to change her behavior towards you and her grandson.My advise: Although your husband already told you that dna test is no longer needed. i still insist for you to take one and send it to her for her peace of mind..Don't push your self to her, just take care of your husband and son well.Show to her that you and your husband can have a wonderful happy family, and most of all help your son to grow up as a smart loving little boy. She would realize in the long run what an idiot she has been, and she have missed a lot of wonderful things that she should have been a part of it..As long as your husband loves you and you take care of your family you have nothing to worry about...Take care and good luck..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 Even if you did prove the paternity of your child to this very unreasonable woman I don't think it would make any difference and she would still find some other excuse to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend.
This isn't about you, or your son...it's about her and her son.
This woman has developed a very disfunctional coping mechanism to protect herself from losing her number one position in her sons life...she just hates anyone who gets close to him.
Your boyfriend has moved on to be with you, to be a loving partner and a good dad...she cannot face up to that and most likely never will.
The best you can do is reduce this 'inconvienience' down to a tiny little issue so that it does not affect your families day to day life or harm your relationship with your partner. The more you focus on it and make it an issue, the more power you will give her.
You are happy with him, he is happy with you...feed that and build on it, be the best you can be to eachother and she will not be able to harm you. Stay away from her and pretend she does not exist.
This is her problem and through her own stupid actions she will lose her son and her grandchild...and she will lose you...a potentially good daughter in law who would enhance her family...stupid woman!!
I would also add that if she ever laid a finger on you again that you call the police.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (11 October 2012):
Poor you. I think it is fairly normal for mothers to resent the woman that takes her son away but I am afraid this is an extreme case. Actually physically slapping you is almost unforgivable.Your husband is right and you have to be strong for him. She has a mental issue she needs to sort out, a DNA test will mean nothing to her so stop trying to win her over as you will fail. Clearly she is getting to you so you must work hard to stop her infecting your relationship and your new family. Usually grandchildren win over mothers in law but in your case even this isnt working. I think it is time to play hard ball. Move away if you can, invite her to your wedding only on strict terms that she accepts you. Write her a letter and say you are very sorry she doesnt think you are good enough for her son and you hope she sees how wrong she has been. If you can, tell her you can forget the past and look forward to a full family when she is ready to accept you and her sons family. Until then just send a card at Christmas with a family photo. There is nothing more you can do. Try not to hate her, think of her as sick. Most of all just enjoy your new family, concentrate on the two men in your life.My mother tried to wreck my brothers marriage, and did wreck a relationship of mine. Looking back I dont know if I could have done anything different. Parents need to learn when to let go and you mil has failed desperately. You cant fix this. Be strong, talk lots with your husband to stop the stress brewing inside you, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): You have done nothing wrong.. Only the entered the home of a very clingy manipulative mother ..
Do not justify your baby, your husband knows its his, you know it's his and to devil with his mother or anyone else who says it isn't.
Live your love sweetie, it's to short to be focused on narrow minded hell bent people. Of course it hurts that his mother will not take an interest in the baby and a word of wisdom here that could be a blessing in disguise, can you imagine the things she could tell your child.. I shudder at the thought.
You are a family unit now, concentrate on that.. Love support one another and raise your son, enjoy your baby don't fret over other people's vile thoughts and actions.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): I am very sorry for your situation. Sometimes it's possible to get mother-in-law to accept you but this doesn't seem to be the case here - she simply has issues and will find some faults in you no matter how perfect you are. Only time will help here.
You should, however, be proud of your husband's support - it can't be easy for him but you can be sure he will stand by you no matter what.
I suggest you insist he takes the DNA test though. Not for him, but for his mother. she WILL find something else to be mad about, however if you let her go on with that stupid lie, it might traumatize your baby in the future
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 October 2012):
Your husband is right and he is also doing the right thing. For whatever reason his mother just can not adjust to the thought of "losing" her son and this hate she has is all she knows. It is a shame that you mother in law can not see the big picture but it is her loss. You can not force a path who can not even acknowledge their own problems. She has deep psychological issues but it is not yours to worry about. I shouldn't have to say this, but you did nothing wrong, so this is not your fault. Therefore, there is nothing you can do for your mother in law.
Like I said, your husband is doing the right thing. He indeed has nothing to prove to anyone of anything. Just live and focus on your family. Keep away from this mother in law as far as possible and nature your family to the point that something like this is never repeated again.
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