A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have only been in one relationship. It was fun but i was young, naive and a part of me felt like i was acting in it just to be like my friends ( i was 21) a part of me still really liked him. I dont know if i liked the 'idea' of having a boyfriend, if i liked his body, or if i truly liked his character. He was a genuine person with a heart of gold and there were times i adored him but i knew that he was someone i could never fall in love with. I had my share of hook ups as well with random guys i didnt care about, and looking back i remember that each one i was with, felt so boring to kiss, boring to enjoy and no electric spark. I would pretend to enjoy it and put on my sexy act. I liked hearing things about myself and it was always about me. I would pleasure a guy but never really enjoyed it but did it for him. There were many times i would fake noises or roll my eyes back for that theatrical effect that i thought guys liked. Secretly, i wasn't really enjoying it. Then i discovered porn and loved it, i especially loved seeing women in porn. I became obsessed with whether i was gay until i realized that many women like to watch other women in porn because they are sexually more appealing to look at. Anytime i thought of doing anything with a woman i would get scared. I still wonder if im scared b/c i dont want to be lesbian or bi or if i truly just don't care for it. I really don't have any desire to find a woman to hook up with and ive had many connections with friends that are girls but never in a romantic sort of way. I've liked guys and felt deep meaningful connections with them that have been real but they never turned into anything more. Two guys in particular, one was a guy i never told my feelings to and they've died off, the other was a guy i really liked but he decided to pick the other girl he was dating at the time he was dating me. We still hooked up after I knew he liked her and picked her over me. Looking back at that hook up, it didn't feel right. There were times i didnt enjoy it but times that i did (and I actually liked this guy, which never happens) I did realize that its easier for me to masturbate and enjoy my fantasies of men that were ridiculously chiseled or women in porn who had perfect bodies (im extremely aesthetic and need visuals to feel stimulated but it is also very mechanical and not very emotional) With the guy i liked, it was emotional but at times i would really need to look at something specific he was doing to me to climax. Anyways, long story short, im just feeling really confused because a guy i didn't like very much (but liked once upon a time) sent me an email today saying that im 'theatrical' when i hooked up with him. Yes, we met this weekend, we hooked up a little (nothing too crazy) and we both knew that we weren't right for each other but still did it b/c he was attractive. A part of me knew i was acting, a part of me didn't know i was acting. Like i wanted so desperately to feel good things so i would make the motions and the sounds to make myself like it more than i actually did. Looking back, he's right, ive done this many times before with many different guys. I cant remember the last time i was actually 'real' except in the privacy of my own apartment by myself. I'm afraid i have no emotions, that i will never enjoy human touch (i didnt enjoy his touch at all) he told me that he didnt feel my lips (metaphorically) when we kissed, and i didnt feel his lips either. Is this because i didnt like him? is this because i am unable to feel things in reality? is it because im caught up in the fantasy world? is it because im too aesthetic? is it because i like women even though i dont want to be with a woman or have ever felt romantically inclined towards women? what is wrong with me??
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): That's the problem with porn...crazy, unrealistic expectations!So many people believe that this is how sex should look like, sound like, feel like...when we all have our different reactions to it. Some ppl have extremely sensitive nerve endings, which would explain why their sex approximately resembles porn; others are in the middle and some don't feel anything that great, just a few tingles here and there.You've definitely let yourself be brainwashed by porn that you don't even know anymore what feels good or really good because your responses are different from those you see!"Theatrical" he called you...that should tell you that not every guy wants a pornstar in bed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): Was the title actually part of your question OP because I don't see you make the link in your question because frankly there is no link there seeing as you were like this before you even went near porn.
OP it's possible you're into women but you've never really explored that side of your sexuality so there's no way to know. I mean nothing seems to be natural about the way you go about having intimate contact, you sound like you're forcing everything even a kiss.
You could also be asexual and just not really all that interested in a sexual connection with another person.
OP how are your friendships and other relationships, do you feel like you have to act a lot to fit in? Do you always feel you have to put on a show just to be viewed as "normal"? I've met a few people that go through life in a similar way but it's not just about romance they have the same thing with all their relationships. They have an emotional distance from everyone and never really connect deeply with people unless they're drunk. One of them has aspergers and the other was diagnosed with autistic tendencies and is possibly high-functioning. I'm not psychologist and I don't know you but you'd never know. I would have never thought he had that but he's always been a bit odd with people. Never really could ever open up to anyone, completely uninterested in sex and only really did it because it's what you do in relationships. Someone very close to him died a few years back and he didn't even bat an eyelid I've seen more emotion from him when his computer broke. It's something worth considering OP. In fact going and talking this out with a professional would probably be a good idea.
Maybe I'm overreaching there and it's simply a lack of experience. You'd surprized how many girls think they have to "perform" when having sex and act like a ravenous porn star or pop musician due to anxiety about having sex but generally they'll calm down and stop being ridiculous once they've become comfortable in a relationship. OP I'll never understand why women act or fake it, it's counter-productive. Most guys rely on visual and audio cues to know whether they're hitting the right spots at the right angles, and the right motion to pleasure you. If you mask all those with fake sounds then you make it harder for guys to know what does and does not get you off. I mean how can a guy get better at pleasing you if you're acting like it's all unbelievably amazing all the time?
Maybe you've just built up some very bad mental habits and equate anything intimate to being a complete fake and you close yourself off to all intimate contact for some reason. Maybe you can do the act physically but emotionally you shut down down completely and just go through the motions.
Frankly though OP whatever this is it's a long term thing and it's having a pretty serious and negative effect on your romantic relationships which means it's probably a mental abnormality worthy of going to see a brain doctor.
I think whatever is going on in your head is too complex for us to give you any kind of solution to really. But it has nothing to do with porn, porn doesn't completely kill the passion of a kiss or a touch and seeing you had these things before you even discovered porn then there's no link there. In fact it sounds to me that masturbation and porn are pretty much the only time you feel able to be properly intimate.
Go get a professional opinion OP. I don't think there is a fix here that we could give you in a few hundred words. Behaviours like these are rooted deeply and can take a lot of work to figure out.
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