A
female
age
41-50,
*air
writes:Hi, I'm currently in a relationship with a man that has decided he doesn't want to have anymore kids. We've been together 3 years now and he has two children of his own from a previous marriage.I'm undecided if I want children yet, but have always hoped to have them one day.I was wondering if people could get in contact with me if they have stayed with a guy for love, and given up the chance to have children. How it makes them feel later on down the track.Also if there are older people out there that haven't had children, and are happy with their decision, could you please get in contact with me as well.I really need to make a decision about this, and really need your help.Thanks x
View related questions:
want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): This is a very hard one. I was in a similar relationship with a man who had children from a previous marriage and absolutely did not want anymore. It became the bee all and end all of my life wanting a child and I began to hate him for thinking he could do this to me. Ofcourse I then played the oldest trick in the book and got pregnant on purpose. He flipped. I can still see his face when I told him screaming at me ina wine bar telling me I must have an abortion etc etc. Sadly I thought he would really want one if it happened. How wrong I was. I was young and he forced me into having an abortion with ultimatums of I will go etc etc if you don't do this. I did have the abortion in some grotty hospital on the NHS in surrey. Shortly after this he left anyway. I am now all grown up and have a child with someone else but not a day goes by when I don't think about what I did. There comes a time in most women's lives where a child is paramount. With some woman it is all they can even think about. I was like that. If you love him then it is very hard but as a young woman I don't think he has the right to do this to you or to threaten you if you don't do what he wants. Men come and go but a child is your child for ever. Some men also play the game of 'lets see, maybe next year' and it drags on and on until you can't have a child anymore. Personally I feel there is nothing like the bond between a mother and child and to have the chance of you having that taken away is just not on. I think you need to be fair and explain to him that you think you might like children at some stage and then see how he reacts or if he gives you any genuine hope and take it from there. My thoughts are very much with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): I think if this man loved you unconditionally then he would simply want you to be completely happy. That means something like..."If you want children then thats fine and its also fine if you don't I just want you to be happy". Instead he is really giving you an ultimatum.. "If you want me then you cannot have children because I don't want any more." This level of control over your feelings and your future are making you retreat further and further into your shell and feel unworthy which is very unfair and the trouble is now you will keep your feelings to yourself. It will eat away at you and you are too young to know either way about children. If you are now driven by fear 'if I got pregnant he would leave me' 'I dare not mention the subject again he just gets annoyed' then ask yourself whether you want to be with a man who makes you feel that way. You have every right to have a choice and you have at least 10 years probably more to conceive with no problem whatsoever. Don't let this problem go on and on. I think he is being pretty cruel and selfish and can only ask you whether you would be happier in a relationship with a man that does not have children who is as open minded as you. If you got pregnant with this current guy would he resent you and the child? Leave you anyway? These are possibilities you should not have to even consider. I sense you are trying to hang on in there but really the cracks are widening.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lindsay  +, writes (5 September 2008):
I was with a guy who was 40 and I was 24. He had a child with a woman when he was my age, and was very adamant about not having another child. But for him, it was because he had not stayed with the mother and hadn't seen his son since he was was 4 years old or so. So for him, it was more of a guilt thing.And I've always been like you, undecided about whether or not I wanted to have kids. But when I got with him, it was as if that option to HAVE kids was taken away from me. So it became a decision between him or having kids. Eventually, after 4 years, we ended up breaking up anyways, not on that issue, but that was always in the back of my mind. And I came to realize that I could never talk him out of his decision to not have children, and I knew that if I ever decided to try to get pregnant, he would leave me.So I think that's what it comes down to in most cases. I think you can be perfectly happy without children, because I think I would have been. But if you can't be happy without them, you're sacrificing a part of yourself, and you're not really meant to be with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (5 September 2008):
 I have a cat who is my child and for the longest time I felt bad about not having kids because I didn't live up to my mom's expectations of me. Now I see things differently, because I know many women who have children and seem incredibly unhappy with the stress and strain that having kids has put on their life. I truly believe, if you really want kids, you date a guy who does as well, and it is never a question of, do I or don't I want them. But I can see how having a child with someone you love can suddenly make you feel like having a child when you didn't care about it that much in the past. Ask yourself this question, Can you really see yourself without ever having kids in your life? Would it really make you feel that unhappy, and if it did, is that because you innately want children, or because you wouldn't be doing what almost every other woman is doing in their life. I know for me, it's being able to feel and receive love. And my cat fulfills me that way, but we have a very unique relationship. I know I would have much love from my own child, yes, but that longing is not deep within me anymore. Hope some of my feelings on the subject give you things to think about.
...............................
A
female
reader, Philosopher +, writes (5 September 2008):
Perhaps you could explain it to him in evolutionary terms. Explain to him that you think it's unfair that he got to reproduce and pass on his genes, but he would deny that for you.
Tell him that the more children he has, and the more different partners he has, the chances are better that his genes will survive. He can't have too many though, because being unable to provide would reduce the chances of their survival. It is best to find a happy medium.
Tell him you don't expect to have a lot, that you would be happy with one child. Once you've had a child, you can then donate your eggs to infertile couples so that your genes have a good chances of survival.
...............................
|
