A
female
age
41-50,
*iso31
writes:Ok, I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for as far as "answers" but here goes. After dating a great guy for 3 months 3 days ago he told me he couldn't figure out why, but he wasn't falling in love with me. It's just so confusing because we would spend time together 3-4 days out of the week. I've never laughed or had so much fun with anyone before. We have very similiar sarcastic, quirky senses of humor which it is hard for me to find people I share that with. When we didn't see each other we would talk on the phone for an hour. He would always look at me into my eyes and give me kisses and initiate spending time with me. A bit ago we talked about making plans for something that was next month. Of course the biggest thing that I feel naive about is that he wanted to wait to have sex. He said he knew in his gut when the right time would be and wanted to wait until he was in it for the long haul. My friend and mother seem to think that men just don't operate in that way. That after 3 months a man in his thirties wants to get in your pants no matter if he thinks he's in it for the long haul or not. I had honestly figured that he just had a lot of values with sex and really wanted to be sure. I asked him questions about it and I told him I was worried that it wasn't becuase he didn't like me all that much and he said that wasn't it. We did have oral sex though. Which yeah, if you're going to do that why not go the full distance? He told me the only thing he can think of why he's not falling in love with me is that he was in love once and with her, he had to chase her for a year and a half before she would give him the time of day and he wasn't use to someone who was so "available" to him. Which is complete ridiculousness to me. He's turned off because I actually like him?He wants to be friends but while I told him I didn't think I could be, I want nothing more than to call him up and say "let's be friends" but I know that's kind of pathetic of me. I just can't stand not speaking with him. Any thoughts or wise words?
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female
reader, BeachBum +, writes (17 May 2009):
I know it's a little past the date of responding with an actual question, but I was wondering if I could ask what you decided to do. I was in a similar situation until just recently and I'm not sure what to do. I get the worst advice from my friends (one of them compared out relationship to that of a dead cat ?) and I want to move on, but I just can't seem to let go of my feelings try as I might. Any advice?
A
female
reader, BeachBum +, writes (17 May 2009):
I know it's a little past the date of responding with an actual question, but I was wondering if I could ask what you decided to do. I was in a similar situation until just recently and I'm not sure what to do. I get the worst advice from my friends (one of them compared out relationship to that of a dead cat ?) and I want to move on, but I just can't seem to let go of my feelings try as I might. Any advice?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Wow, sounds to me like we were dating the same guy. I also met mine on line. We dated off and on for over 10 months and then the last time we dicided to get back together it was his idea and expressed how much he missed me then 6 weeks later he told me he was not in love with me and felt he should be. Said he didn't have the feelings he thought he should have.
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (7 September 2008):
 It's unfortunately the way commitment phobic men are, they want to see you constantly and suddenly out of nowhere they don't, and when you cool things and act like you've moved on, they show up at your doorstep interested in youo again. To me, the most alarming thing with the guy you dated was his inability to be completely intimate with you sexually which always seems to be a red flag for mother issues. Finding men to date should be easy for you with online dating sites, at least they are in the states. I agree playing hard to get is not the answer, you behaved as a caring, loving partner. Being less available never works if you really want to see the guy, and playing manipulative games with commitment phobic men just makes them want you till you give in, then not want you, then want you again when you try to play hard to get again...it's a game no woman needs to play to feel loved.
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (7 September 2008):
It's unfortunately the way commitment phobic men are, they want to see you constantly and suddenly out of nowhere they don't, and when you cool things and act like you've moved on, they show up at your doorstep begging you back. To me, the most alarming thing with the guy you dated was his inability to be completely intimate with you sexually which always seems to be a red flag for mother issues. Finding men to date should be easy for you with online dating sites. I agree playing hard to get is not the answer, you acted fine, being less available never works if you really want to see the guy, and playing manipulative games with commitment phobic men just makes them want you till you give in, then not want you, then want you...it's a game no one needs to play to have a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, miso31 +, writes (6 September 2008):
miso31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate what you have all said. I guess I understand that men like the chase, and you should be so available. The thing that is difficult for me, is that he called me all the time. He initiated plans all the time. I didn't feel like I was chasing like a hungry panther and he was using me or anything like that. When someone shows genuine interest, and seems to love being around you, and intiates seeing you, it seems rather fake to seem disinterested or say you're busy if you're not. It just seems this game, this game of pretending to be aloof or unavailable when you are in fact, very interested in someone is silly. I am by nature a very warm, open person. Yes, I read why men love bitches and I get it. I am not needy. I have a full life and don't live or die by a man's actions. However, on the rare occasions I meet someone I click with - and it's rare - I am myself, and i make them feel as good as they're making me feel.
In this case, yes, I should've backed off and cooled it when he wanted to wait for sex. But I don't think I seemed desperate or was pushing for something too fast by wanting to have sex with someone I was dating frequently for 2 months. I wanted to know what the hell was up and...I wanted to get laid! Is that wrong? I guess I should've dumped him at that point? I don't know any more.
The other question is - I'm all about dating more than one person at a time but sadly there is not an abundance of men out there waiting at my feet ready to ask me out. Where do women meet all of these men they are multi dating? Yes, I met this guy online but there's few and far between men on there that there is a mutual interest there.
Thanks for you help!
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A
female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (6 September 2008):
Did you ask him if he loved you, or did you tell him you loved him and then he told you he wasn't in love with you? I would say that he is commitment phobic and only falls for women he can't have or women who aren't really into him. He probably also has a very close relationship with his mother. Does she live near him and does he see her alot? When a guy is really able to give in a relationship, he has a healthy attitude about having sex with you (yes, sexual intercourse) and doesn't constantly talk about a woman he pines over in his past. But regardless of how he feels, he didn't treat you well and was just viewing you as a friend with benefits. Unfortunately you fell for a commitment phobic, so in the future you now know the signs...move onward and drop him from your life, he is bad news.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): Hi,I'm in my thirties and am still under the impression that men are strange creatures but the more I learn the more I understand them. Apparently men need to do the 'chase' thing and if you are too accessible to him he will lose interest and not be able to commit. Men back off then come back running if you don't chase them. I know its a pain cos we women are loving creatures and if we like someone we wanna spend time with them and show them how much we like them. This doesn't always work in our favour tho especially if he has commitment 'issues' anyway. I've just been through a similar thing and i think i appeared too available to him at the time and he backed off to the degree that I couldn't take the rejection anymore so i ended the relationship. We are still mates and I suppose time with tell what will happen.My advice to you is to just back off and let him be him and you get on with your life. Tell him he's not making you happy and you just need some time on your own. Don't be scared of losing a man cos if he really wants you he will come running and if he doesn't run after you then he's not worth being with anyway. At least you'll know either way. You are a woman who just wants to give and receive love and if he doesn't want it then his loss!! Remember - you are not easily forgettable to the right man and you deserve to be worshipped!!Good luck
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