A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering if others can offer some advice.My gran, who i am really close to is in her 80s. I have always had this wish that she could be around to see me marry and provide her a great grandchild. WHen my grandfather passed away, it made me extremely sad he hadn't been able to see any of his grand children go through these special times. I know he would've loved to.I am the oldest grandchild and most likely to get married or hvae a child before the others (very small family)I plan to have kids and marry my partner one day but we havent set an exact date/time frame yet. I want my partner to realise how important it is for me to make my gran proud, and preferably would like to give her a grandchild but if not then for her to at least see me marry. I know I really cant force him but now my gran has told me she may have cancer, she is currently going through tests. the 'lumps' have grown in a short period so the prognosis doesnt look good. She said she won't have treatment and it may be her time.I'd be devastated losing her and I will also be so devastated if she misses 2 special moments of my life. I know we can't help these things but I need to know how to prepare myself for if the inevitable happens and she does miss these things.Also whether its selfish asking my partner to consider at least marrying me sooner than later so she can be with us on our special day.Need honest opinions on what to do. Its a real concern for me. Once someone leaves, they can never come back and I may be looking into this too much but it can happen any day.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 OP, I am probably the same age as you, and went through a similar situation a while back with my Grandfather.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the May and passed away in the August, and sadly he couldn't fight it. His death totally knocked me for six. There was nothing they could do about it.
For my whole life he had been my male role model, my surrogate father and my bestest friend. He inspired me, looked after me, made me laugh and was always there for me.
I dearly wanted him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I wanted him to meet my future husband and to see his great grandchildren.
Sadly, it wasn't to be. I know it hurts. Honestly I totally understand, but they are not the be all and end all of life.
You should not rush these things just because you don't want her to miss them. For all you know the man you are with might not be the man you marry - however much you believe otherwise.
You Gran needs you to focus on her now. Having weddings and babies will take all the attention away from her and she NEEDS that attention now.
She is old, she is frail. Cancer is tough at the best of times, for young and fit people. She will not have the energy to cope with fighting the illness AND all the fuss and stress that goes with weddings. All the time and effort you will spend on organising these things is time you are not spending with your Gran - time you may not be able to get back. Don't waste it.
Take the time NOW, to enjoy her company, talk to her, and spend time with her. Weddings and babies can wait, your Gran may not.
Your Gran would NOT want you to make a silly decision just so she can be part of those two events. Do not rush into things.
You will need to be there for your Gran, your parents and your family over the next few months.
All I can say, is that it does get easier.
Take care.
Tiger x
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Sorry - I am an old sentimental - I think it WOULD be great for your gran to see you married - I think this is one of those extreme situations where if you were going to get married anyhow, then it IS ok to ask your fiance if you can bring it forward.
If he doesn't understand, or gets mad, then I wouldn't be marrying him. I would want a husband who was generous of heart, certain of his feelings and could make a decision like this and see it as a blessing. I really would. I would want him to understand. And I would do the same for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers so far.
I definitely agree that asking my boyfriend for marriage or a baby sooner is a bad idea. I'd never force him to do this for my nana.
We definitely want to get married and have a child one day. We have spoke about doing something within the next couple of years. Hopefully my gran is still around. What im scared of though is that i know I will still get upset even if it just wasnt meant for her to be present during one of these times.
I'll always feel so sad. I definitely don't think its right to say its got to be my gran or my boyfriend, all I'm saying is that my gran is like my second mum and I'd love her to be around.
It may be that the prognosis isn't all that bad and we have plenty of time to go at our own pace. But I just wanted to put the idea out there to see if anyone had any suggestions on raising this worry with my boyfriend. I really appreciate the answers so far so thank you all :)
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I suggest you ask your gran about the subject you will get a few surprising answers and probably ones you are not expecting.She will be wise in such matters.If you really listen to her you will know that she only wishes the best for you!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I agree with Caring Guy. Do you really want to pressure your bf into something so serious and which, for whatever reason, he is still not ready yet, to make your grandparent proud ? Is it granma before bf then ?..And do you expect he takes it as valid reason, and you'd be hurt / disappointed if he wouldn't ?..
You and him don't have to make anybody proud of your marriage, except yourselves. The important thing is that BOTH of you ( so, including him, his opinion counts ! ) are sure that it happens at the right moment for the right reasons. The rest of the family will understand .
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (24 November 2011):
....OP I just wanted to clarify something. We we already planning our wedding when we were thinking of bringing it forward.
Are you and your partner engaged? That will also make a difference if you are not, I guess.
Caring Guy (once again) makes some excellent points, especially re. children.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 November 2011):
I'm afraid what you're suggesting is something that very few people are going to be able to agree with. This is precisely the reason that so many marriage fails nowadays. People aren't marrying because they love each other, they're marrying for money, or for religion, or to make people proud.
I know that losing someone to cancer is hard (I lost my Great Uncle to cancer, never forgot it).
But to marry earlier than planned just because you want another family member to see it is going to be the first sign of weakness in your marriage. To then have a child not because you want one with your partner, but because you want your gran to be proud is again a huge risk.
You're also not taking into account what will happen to your marriage when she does die. You might well slip into depression, which would add major issues to your husband and any child.
On top of that, your boyfriend is not realistically going to be happy knowing that you only married him because of your gran. He'll just feel like a tool. I would also feel like a tool if my girlfriend said to me "I need you to marry me because of my gran".
Too many marriages fail because people don't marry for the right reasons. Love, trust, care, honesty, wanting to be with that person are reasons to marry. Wanting to please a relative is a reason for divorce later on, and that's exactly where it will lead.
You're not being selfish, but you are being unrealistic. I'm sorry, but what you're proposing is wrong whatever way you look at it, even if you do believe it's for a good reason. You can't marry a man just to make your own relative happy. It won't work out, and it will lead to real tension in your marriage. And you must NEVER have a child just to please someone else. Ever. That's totally wrong.
By all means, start talking to your boyfriend about the idea of marriage, and about the idea of children. But never marry him or have children with him for someone else's benefit.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (24 November 2011):
OP I was in almost exact circumstances a couple of years ago.
My partner was happy to bring the wedding forward. However, we didn't go through with it in the end.
We had planned to have the wedding only a few months after my relative received the diagnosis, however their condition worsened well within that timeframe. In the end, the day we had planned for the wedding would have been a disaster. My relative was very close to dying at that point and was in no fit state to come to a wedding, not to mention that none of the rest of my family, including me, we in any mood for such celebrations either. Had we actually planned, paid for and got all our friends together we would have had to go through with it anyway, and it would have been awful. Moreover, my relative would have probably been a bit of a centre of attention at a wedding in those circumstances which he definitely would NOT have wanted. These are a couple of the risks you run with planning a wedding in this sort of situation.
I would just say, you need to get a proper diagnosis and some sort of prognosis as well before you decide to go through with it. My relative was content to know that I was engaged to a lovely man who would make me happy without actually being at the wedding.
I would have given anything to have him there with us, and to see my children, and I still think about him everyday. But, for us, it just didn't work out, and that was for the best in the end- of course I can see that now but at the time it was hard.
Sit down and talk to your partner, and see what sort of news your gran gets from the hospital. Obviously mine is just an example and your gran's condition (fingers crossed) is not nearly as severe. Hopefully the medics will be able to give you a better idea.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and post back if you have any other questions. I know this is a difficult situation.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I think you should confide in your partner. He may not want to be married just yet, and that is something that you will have to accept, but then again, he may think that letting your gran be a part of your special day is a wonderful idea.
All you can do is just talk to him about it. I think giving her a great grandchild might be a bit too much for him right now, but if it means this much to you, then sit him down asap.
Good Luck :)
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