A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my girlfriend for 7 months, and everything for the most part has been great (we have our wedding colors picked out lol) but i just started my senior year of college 3 weeks ago and a problem has surfaced.last year, i realized that all the friends i thought i had disappeared, except for my best friend, who happens to be a girl. we've never even considered dating: we've helped each other through so much, we'd never cross that line. To avoid any suspicions and let my bff meet her (my last girlfriend loved her-and im good friends with her boyfriend now), my bff-her boyfriend-and I have invited my girlfriend to hang out with us, and she only did once, and didnt say much. ive figured out shes jealous of me and my friends friendship, but we've tried to include her to see we're just friends..but she's always dragging me to places with her friends (girls, and a few guys-one being her ex-boyfriend), which i don't think is fair.i was planning on getting an apartment for my last year, but i lost my job so i have to live at home wayyyyy off campus, and i got stuck in traffic and missed a class with a professor that already hates me. i called my bff freaking out and she said i could stay at her place on the nites before the class. and shed make me a key in case she stayed at her boyfriends house. I later told my girlfriend, knowing she'd be mad, but hoping she'd understand when i told her why i was doing it.she basically threatened me with "stay at her house and i'm leaving you". and thats when an argument began. my friend has been there through so many of my other girlfriends, id never ditch her over one who couldnt accept how good of friends we are. she asked how would i feel if she stayed at a guy friends house, first listing her ex-which i told her was on a different level than me and my friend (weve never dated) and another guy friend of hers i know, and i told her i wouldn't mind, because i've met him enough times to see what kind of person he is and i trust her. she told me that was "weird", proceeded to tell me that my bff is my "only friend" (which hurt bc there was a recent situation where i was a REALLY good friend to someone and found out on the internet that he didnt even consider me a friend, and she knew that). i told her she was insecure, jealous, selfish, and a host of other things wrong with how she handled this situation and she apologized...but later asked me to stay at her new place (which is even farther away from school, and the night before the dreaded "traffic" class)my mom , who likes both my gf,said she doesn't think this girl would be good for me in the long run, because she wants everything to be about her (my mom thought me staying at my friends house was a good idea, and if she thought it wasnt, she'd tell me).i hope thats not true.its been 2 days since ive talked to her, because i was so mad about the staying-at-her-house thing. she tried to text me last night, i sent a 1 word reply and said nothing else. i dont know what to do, im really sad about this...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): I believe that there is a lot of really good advice between some of the opposing positions already stated. My current relationship went through a similar problem in the beginning as well and I hope I can provide some guidance on what worked for us (Background: we're both 23, together for 4 years).
His only close friend when we met was his high school exGF, and my BFF was a male friend 4+years from high school. Yes, I was concerned over his relationship with his exGF, but it wasn't some ultra-controlling, psycho-GF desire. It was my insecurity that he seemed more comfortable with her and I was in some competition with her for my BF's affection (Because sometimes he would share exciting moments or important decisions with her before me).
My BF also had some jealousy issues with my BFF. This only intensified the problem, because he would make false attributions on my worries regarding his exGF based on his own insecurity.
What I see from your GF's actions you've described is a slightly jealous, but more insecure woman. You have yet to develop that easy, comfortable interaction that comes with history and your GF is probably seeing what she wants in your relationship in your friendship with your BFF. That's why she compares it to her friendship with her exBF (It's the closest way she can relate) and, unfortunately, it appears like she is acting out with the nasty comments. But you're not being a great boyfriend either. I would expect my BF to include me in moving plans, not notify me after the decision has already been made.
Yes, it's hypocritical to raise a big fuss over your friendship with another woman when she expects you to be okay with hanging out with her exBF. But, if you think you can see yourself marrying your GF in the future, try to be a little patient with her. You said your past GFs got along with your BFF, so I'm assuming she's a pleasant person. What worked for me was seeing my BF's exGF make time to get to know me (As already mentioned, suggest that your BFF make solo plans with your GF). Your GF needs to know for herself that your BFF is a trust-worthy individual that is excited about your relationship (You telling her not to worry won't cut it). Plus you, your BFF and her BF have already had the luxury in getting to know each other; it sucks feeling like the odd-man-out.
As for the sleepovers at the BFF's place... I wouldn't stand for it, but that's just me. Are you actively looking for a new job? Are the plans to move out of your parents' home on a complete hiatus? Maybe if you show her that this is a temporary solution she would be more comfortable with it.
A
female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (23 September 2010):
 This girl seems to be trying to control your life and being a hypocrite at the same time
anybody who tries to control anyones life needs to be ditched out of your life
maybe letting this one go would be your best option
your friend seems like the type of woman that will support you and be there for you when crap hits the fan so i'm sure she will help you through this situation
find someone who can accept you and my friends friendship
and make it clear this friend of yours it not going anywhere
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question1) @maverick, the 1700's comment wasn't meant to be a jab at you, just a disgust with that theory...which is pessimistic and outdated enough to be in the 1700's, so that time period is relevant.
2) the anonymous chick that posted after you just took whatever she wanted from this...she can have that.
well she had her "friend"/ex-boyfriend over her new place and they badmouthed me while me n her weren't speaking (in the middle of an argument the other day she told me this) i listened to a comment up there about how that's worse than me and my friend, and i told her that because me and my friend have ALWAYS been NOTHING BUT friends, whereas she dated him for a while; keeping exes around just creates unnecessary awkwardness and drama. she not only defended him, but proceeded to tear me down. so i'm about done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I have to take the side of your girlfriend.
My boyfriend's best friend is female. I also have many close friends of the opposite sex so that doesn't bother me. This has very little to do with gender. . . The real reason that she is upset is because your bff is taking the role that she (your girlfriend) should have in your life. You call the bff up to tell her things before your girlfriend and now you're talking about moving in together. So in so many words you are saying that the only need that your girlfriend is fulfilling is your need for physical intimacy. You have your bff for everything else that should be involved in a relationship. Women operate very differently than men and, as a female, I can understand how your girlfriend would be upset about how you interact with your bff. This sort of relationship seems very unsatisfying as your girlfriend.
Also, my boyfriend has seen a lot of his bff's boyfriends come and go. My guess is that it's easier to dump someone than it is to be accused of being insecure. So it doesn't surprise me that you have had many girlfriends leave the picture and have never had this conversation take place.
If you want to keep your bff and your girlfriend, you need to set some boundaries and show your girlfriend that she fulfills some role in your life beyond physical intimacy.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (18 September 2010):
I see that my statement stirred up something. Therefore, I'd like to clarify I didn't say it could never work out, I am just saying that for the majority of the people, it doesn't. If you are the exception of the rule, congrats, you have something many have attempted but few have succeeded at.
At the OP, no need to get crabby. The 1700's have nothing to do with it. Fact is we aren't as modern in this day and age as we'd like to believe when it comes to relationships. Go ahead and read around the site. You'll see this confirmed in many posts.
I don't know the specifics of your or her social circle so it would be hard to judge whether she has a right to be suspicious or not, since she does seem to have a couple of guy friends there. But are they worthy of the criteria bff? If I interpreted it the right way, it seems that they aren't. So in that case the comparison isn't equal, though you did make a point about trusting her to be around these people in the same situation.
I think you have to make the decision whether you're prepared to deal with someone who is more insecure than you and who might not have shared the same experience. Because this is clearly the issue here. You trust her because through experience you believe it's possible to have friendships like these. For her, the jury might still be out on that one.
That doesn't make it impossible to continue the relationship with your gf, but that does make it more difficult. Ask her to trust you like you trust her so you can save yourself from that traffic jam. If she keeps getting angry it's time to consider to end the relationship and find someone who's more confident and understanding.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (18 September 2010):
About the not being able to be best friends with the opposite sex, not saying it doesn't happen and it can be platonic, but oftentimes it's a bit more complicated than that. As in even though you are best friends, sometimes there are those who have had a sort of friends with benefits thing. Or tried dating. Or one of you was attracted to the other for awhile. Or both were, but decided not to do anything to not ruin the friendship. These things pop up a lot. I've seen a bunch of examples of all of them. And as a girl, I know that we often lean on our guy friends a bit more than a girlfriend would like. So it's sometimes hard to feel more important than the girl best friend. When they've known you longer etc.
One way I think makes it easier is for the 2 girls to spend some time together without you. Instead of having you and the best friend always talking and making plans and then inviting your gf along, have just the 2 go out, or have some plans go through her. Makes her feel more included.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Touche, Maverick..I'm that 1% tile that has a male best friend, to top it off I'm married. My husband adores my best friend, we just got back from a BBQ where he met my best friend's family. By any means, have I never ever mixed my boyfriends and guy friends category..because I look at them in the brotherly way, nothing sexual or anymore than what it is. And out of all of them, none of them have crossed that fine line. It's no secret that the opposite sex gets along so well. Clearly OP views his best girl friend in a sisterly way nothing more, nothing less...
I side with misfitchick as well. You're girlfriend has jealousy issues and doesn't understand the sister, brotherly bond that exists between you and your best friend. She's rather narrow minded in thinking that your best friend has been after you all these years and won't even bother to give her a chance to get to know her. Not to mention she has a boyfriend as well, and you've tried the double date route? The only reason you're staying with your friend is because of school, so it's nothing but a roommate situation. No where did it say you were going to sleep in the same bed with her. Your girlfriend's trust and jealousy issues are getting the best of her. Your mother is right, you know..It's only been 7 months and if this is what she's really like so narrow minded, lack of understanding, and stubborn. Then I would tell her buh bye. Girls may come and go but your best friend regardless of their gender will always be there for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): "I hate the "them or me" ultimatum. I usually chose the "them" because anyone who forces such a decision isn't someone I want in my life. I haven't regretted it yet."I agree with that statement, but as for the 99% statistic... honestly I think that's a bit inaccurate, though not by much I admit. I think if you want any girlfriend to be ok with any good female friend of yours that you need to lay it all out for her early in the relationship... Let her know that there's nothing funny going on, never will be and if she is likely to have a problem with it down the track then she should probably move along. ... at least that's what I wish I'd have done... I gave into my girlfriends dislike of my best friend and basically cut all contact with her against my will. After we broke up for unrelated reasons, my neglected friend was forgiving and mature enough to befriend me again. My ex wasn't. Just because somebody has a vagina... should that really limit/forbid me from being able to have a good friendship with this person?? It just seems ridiculous to me now... Call me bitter and jaded, but nowadays I'd rather find that one-in-a-hundred girl (or whatever it may be) who can deal with it than give in to someone else's unfounded personal insecurities... (NOTE- keyword being "unfounded"... if you go out of your way to talk excessively about your female friend, use her to make your girlfriend jealous, boost your ego or whatever, then that's a different story.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@misfitschik66 i really appreciate your answer..the first option is what i told her. the "that would just enable her to think you will do what even she wants you to do" part i'd never even thought about.
my friend and i have made numerous attempts to invite her places so those two could get to know each other better so she would be more comfortable. and if i wanted her to stay with me there, my friend would be happy to have her over, at this point its uncomfortable because my friend has picked up that my gf doesn't like her and doesn't know why she feels that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow are we in the 1700's or something?? really. i can't have a female best friend, AND be straight? if two people are mature enough to set friendship boundaries (as one should set in any relationship, friend or otherwise) and not cross them, why can't they be friends? just because it hasn't worked for you or someone you know doesn't mean it can't work. Some narrow-minded people in this world...we've been friends almost 10 years, never once tried anything- we've helped each other through a lot of bad situations, we'd never do anything to mess up our friendship. my friendship is not on trial here, she's done nothing but help me.and for @Maverick494 i CLEARLY stated i knew she'd be mad, and gave my answer when she asked if it were the other way around, so it shows i thought about it:"she asked how would i feel if she stayed at a guy friends house, first listing her ex-which i told her was on a different level than me and my friend (weve never dated) and another guy friend of hers i know, and i told her i wouldn't mind, because i've met him enough times to see what kind of person he is and i trust her."so how am i a hypocrite? the situation IS about me, why should i kill myself every morning when a friend is here to help me out? i knew and understood how she felt, she never listened to my side so yes i am irritated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): You say that this friend has seen many of your former girlfriends come and go and you will not end your friendship because your new girlfriend demands it. Therein lies the problem my friend. To really be with your girlfriend you must put her first, before your best friend even. That is what it means to really be with your girlfriend, to put her needs before your own. Sure, her worries may be unfounded and silly but at the end of the day, if you are not willing to do anything you can to make her feel happy and secure in your relationship then she's not the right girl for you. People are often put in terrible positions having to choose between their best friends and their partners. The only sane thing is to never settle for a partner until you know that she's also your best friend. That way you'll never be without either....
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 September 2010):
 I really agree with maverick494 here:
"Look, the truth is that the bff thing with someone from the other sex doesn't work in 99% of the cases unless you're gay. One of the two usually has feelings for the other that go beyond friendship, relationship status be damned."
I thought it warrented being posted again.
Really, you're going to have to decide which is more important to you. I think you know which one that is.
I hate the "them or me" ultimatum. I usually chose the "them" because anyone who forces such a decision isn't someone I want in my life. I haven't regretted it yet.
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (17 September 2010):
 To be honest with you, I can understand your gf's point of view (to an extent) First id like to address the fact that she still hangs out with her ex and brings him around you????? What?! That just sounds crazy, it should not be ok. 2nd it is understandable that your gf is having issues with the best friend. She (gf) has to feel like she comes first and foremost in your priorities and maybe she doesn’t feel that way. On top of that you say your going to start to stay the night at her house? Yikes! That my dear, is only going to make things worse. I wouldn’t say you have to choose between the friend and the gf, but this is a fine line you are walking that obviously your gf is un-comfortable with. My best friend is a guy, and my bf is totally comfortable with him because I haven’t crossed the line, if my bf showed concern about him then I would do what ever I could to put him at ease, not go and do something that would make the situation even worse. If you are going to choose to stay with this girl then you must realize the lines to cross and the lines NOT to cross with her (i.e. staying at the bf’s house) Another point I would like to make before I end this is, For your girlfriend, She wants to be your best friend the one who makes everything better because really when you think about it a girlfriend/boyfriend is our best friend. Just something to think about!
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (17 September 2010):
I don't think this girlfriend is the one for you. A couple of my best friends are guys, but the are also friends with my fiance and there is no problem there. In the same way, one of my fiance's closest friends is a girl who he has known for far longer than me. I am glad that neither of us have any problems with the other one's friends; I think this basically comes with having a lot of trust in the other person and no prblems of insecurity.
I can't see what you've done wrong here; in fact I don't think you have. You have invited your gf along to occasions with your friend and her bf, but your gf wasn't really interested. This, combined with the jibes about you not having many friends is just a combo of jealousy and spite. She sounds a bit immature, but worse than that, she also seems to have double standards if she thinks it is ok to hang out with her ex while you get a telling off for seeing your friend.
These are bad signs from your gf. In my opinion, she won't be satisfied until you have got rid of this friend of yours. That would be very sad indeed. A mature, reasonable gf will see that you have this friend, but won't feel threatened by it. I think you should probably move on from her to save any further arguments, and this one isn't going to go away.
As a final note, mums, in my opinion, are almost ALWAYS right. I know mine is anyway. Take heed of what she has to say. Age and experience count for an awful lot in relationship matters. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2010):
Okay, I get where you're coming from but you should also look at your gf's perspective. Just because your last gf and your mom are okay with it doesn't mean everyone automatically accepts it.
Yes, she's a hypocrite for dragging you along to hang out with her and her ex bf while not being okay with you and your bff. But staying over at your bff's place is quite another thing and I can understand your gf being mad.
Turn it around. Say she introduced you to her best-friend-forever which turns out to be a guy. You see them having fun together, laughing together and them sharing inside jokes. Wouldn't you start feeling insecure because you don't share that amount of history together with her? So you're quiet for a while, not really sure how to participate and that's that.
Then suddenly your gf tells you that she's going to sleep over at his place because that would be easier for school. Would you just say "yes sure honey" or would you feel suspicious and hurt that she seems to choose him over you? Most people would feel threatened and insecure in this situation, especially in relationships as short as this one.
Look, the truth is that the bff thing with someone from the other sex doesn't work in 99% of the cases unless you're gay. One of the two usually has feelings for the other that go beyond friendship, relationship status be damned.
For me it has never worked out. I once believed the bff thing could work but it NEVER did, not in the end. You and your bff might be among that rare 1% that don't secretly fancy eachother and are stricly friends, but how should your gf know that?
Your mom said your gf all wants it to be about her but in this case you seem to share the same trait. You don't consider her perspective and you get irritated because she doesn't automatically understands yours. You're both hypocrites.
So why not get together and talk this out as equals?
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (17 September 2010):
You have two options..
tell your girlfriend relationships are based on trust and if you wanted your bestfriend "that way" you would have been with her a LONG ago and if she can't accept that that this relationship will NOT last
OR
You ditch your bestfriend seeing that would be the only way to make this girl happy..which i would not recomened seeing that that would just enable her to think you will do what even she wants you to do
this girl is being hypocritical with her hanging around her ex and in my opinion it IS worse because like you said she was actually with this individual
if anything you should be more angry with her being friends with him!
i would not take this situation lightly
the only thing i see as a problem is that if my fiance was to sleep over at his "girlfriends house" without me i would be abit suspicious too no offence
but that's only because he actually lives with me and sleeps in a bed with ME everynight and i expect him too
if you don't live together though there should be no problem expecially if your friend has a boyfriend of her own!!!!
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