A
female
age
,
*seblwmn
writes:I met my girlfriend a little over seven years ago. She was still married and living with her husband. We did fall in love, however, I told her I did not want to be in a relationship with a married woman. She told her husband about us and then she moved in with me. For awhile, he was angry, then after a couple months realized we would run into each other on occasion, not to mention they have 2 grown sons in their 20's. We all agreed to get along.We began to spend holidays together, birthdays, ect ect...Well, seven years later I am at the end of my rope. She will not file for divorce because of financial reasons...they both have their name on the business she runs. He basically has nothing to do with it, but for tax purposes and medical reasons, there has been no divorce.I have been good about this. Same sex benefits are not legal in my state, so of course, I don't want her to stuggle any more than neccessary about those two things.However, the thing that is pushing me almost to the point of ending this relationship is that for birthdays and Christmas, he spends WAY too much money on her. Last year I sent her on a Europeon cruise with 2 of our friends, I couldn't get 2 weeks off work, but for her birthday, I knew it would be a great gift. So, he gives her $200 for her birtday for spending money, I had already givin her plenty!!! Excuse me???? Then recently he gave her $100 for her birthday this year. I think he steppin way too far over the line.Am I being insecure, or does this guy still feel like he is the HUSBAND and she is allowing him to do so? I think anyone would be ticked off if and ex was giving those large ammounts of money to their partner,I think it's wrong, and she thinks I over react. Maybe a normal, reasonable birthday gift, but not money, I don't know...I think with all the little things, this money issue is too much for me
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, insecure, married woman, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (11 November 2009):
 I don't see this as too excessive myself, as long as it's only birthday and Christmas gifts we're talking about. They were married and have two children together after all, and there's most likely some residual affection there. He wants her to have a good time on her birthday and at Christmas, that's all.
If he was giving her large gifts OFTEN now that would be a problem, but if he's limiting it to holidays and being respectful of your relationship otherwise I don't see the problem.
I think the real problem is that you resent that they aren't divorced yet. You want her to commit to you fully and openly and she hasn't yet. She still has a legal connection to her husband and that rankles you.
At the end of the day though, she loves you. She comes home to you. She chooses you every day. I think that you two need to revisit the divorce question and hopefully come to a resolution. Perhaps she can file for a legal separation, or agree to file by a certain date.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, SJC  +, writes (11 November 2009):
Mind you, her husband probably still loves her. He married her and had a family with her for a reason. To know she's gone to someone else, be it man or woman, will have destroyed him. I don't see giving her money is a problem. It'll make him feel good. And as for spending time at Christmas, etc, well, that means she's spending time with him too.
But who does she go home to every day? You or him?
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 November 2009):
I agree he is behaving inappropiately and crossing some major boundaries. But the thing is, your gf has NOT SET THE BOUNDARIES, so therefore, he can go whereever he wants too. I could talk all day about how this guy has no respect for your relationship and bla bla and how he may still possibily have feelings for her etc, but the thing is, you are not in a relationship with him, you are in a relationship with her and it is HER RESPONSIBILITY to set the boundaries and to not let him cross them.
She isnt doing this.
You dont give your ex partner that much money, especially when they are in a new relationship...
I dont know why for sure she is allowing him to behave in an inappropiate way.
Perhaps yoru partner just really wanted the money, so she didnt want to decline such an offer? However, if this is the case then it is sad because it would seem that shes putting her needs andwants for money before your feelings.
I must say though, she went straight from her marriage into a relationship with you- that was a bad decision on her part because she never had that period to fully get over the relationship and deal with it. I am not saying she doesnt have true genuine feelings for you, but she did miss out on a cruical step in moving on from a relationship which I see is now effecting your relationship.
Whatever her reasons are for accpeting his over the top gifts, you need to tell her how you feel, again. And ask her WHY she wants these gifts. Is she that desperate for money? Is she that materalistic that she will put her money wants before your feelings?
Ultimately, she wont understnad your feelings if she doesnt want too. Right now shes happy getting all this money, and maybe there is more to it, maybe she does have feelings for him still- I dont know, but it is possible.
Either way, you need to explain to her again how you feel and question her about her behave. Tell her what you want and that you need her to set some boundaries. If she isnt willing to understnad your side of the story then I think you need to question whether or not this is good for you to be in a relationship where your partner is completeing insensitive to your feelings and clearly has issues that are not resolved with her ex.
Take care
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2009):
She's taking the money because he's offering it. And he's offering it because he still loves her and is trying to win her back really. I don't think you overreacted to be fair. And what other little things?
...............................
A
female
reader, Melys  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Hi there,
I think he's overstepping the mark too because you're the one who has taken over his role as the 'provider' and 'partner' here...her husband obviously doesn't see it that way.
It's very mature of you all to be friends and get along well...but I think they need to divorce, to go through with it and finalise it, which will allow you and her to go and live your lives as a couple without her husband still overly involving himself.
When you think about it, because he still is legally her husband, he has more rights than you! even though you are the one in the relationship with her.
She says she doesn't want to divorce him because of financial reasons...I think that they should go ahead with it for the sake of you both - so you can move on together and maybe eventually get married yourselves. If she suffers financially for a while then so be it! I'm sure you'll both find a way to get through it..as they say, where there's a will, there's a way.
I'm feeling that they need to cut ties now. She should totally commit herself to you and divorce him...or situations like these still may occur.
Good luck to you! Feel free to contact me if you wish to ask anything else....
...............................
|
