A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 years old and my girlfriend is 48. She has 15 year old daughter that despises the fact that I moved in before my girlfriend consulted her daughter. Any advice to lighten the load?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): Your load will be lightened if you move out, or you will always have a bad feeling in the home. Visit and let her get to know you. To start the relationship off again on a good note, explain to the daughter that you want to do the right thing....she may actually gain respect for you by treating her feelings with respect.Mum should have spoke to daughter really.spunky monkey.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 sorry but i quite agree with the daughter. she is a young adult who now finds herself sharing the house with some other person, and not by her choice. how would you feel if someone moved into your home without you say-so? at the end of the day it is her mums choice who lives there, not hers, but it wouldn't have hurt to at least ask her how she felt about it. i suppose all you can do now is just to make sure that you play by the house rules that already existed for her and mum, don't make any big changes or new rules, at least without considering her opinion. she is probably jealous of you if she had grown accustomed to having mum to herself, she will get used to it though when she matures enough to be able to consider her mums happiness (kids can be selfish), as long as you don't push her out and exclude her
x
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I hate to bring my rating down by saying the unpopular thing, but in my opinion the question has to be asked...
Couldn't you wait 3 years until this girl is off to college or working until you move in with her mother? Seriously, spending the last few years of your teenage life living with what amounts to be a stranger would be seriously stressful.
The mother only has 3 more years of serious mothering to do. Shouldn't her focus be on her daughter?
I don't think it was just wrong to move in without telling her, I think you should have really listened to how she feels about it before moving in.
I think it was terrible inconsiderate. I understand her anger, and don't blame her for it.
I think you should move out to lighten the load. If you are that serious with the mother, and you plan on being with her for many many years to come, this is not the way you want to start your relationship with her daughter.
You will gain massive points with that 15 year old if you take the high road and say, I'm sorry, you are right, we didn't consider you. I'm moving out, but I'd like to come around a bunch because I really love your mother. Then Turkey dinners 10 years down the road won't be so stressful. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Your gap is the same as ours... I'm 51 my boyfriend just turned 38... and he is closer in age to my oldest child than he is to me....
Your GF should have at least TOLD her daughter that you were moving in. To Blindside her is unfair. While she did not need the girl's permission, courtesy would have been nice.
15 is a lousy age to begin with... 15 with a mom who has a younger BF who is now in my home so I can't run around in my jammies comfortably because there's a MAN in my house is even worse....
Can you (with the GF permission) establish a slightly "parental role" with the daughter? Ask her to go out for a starbucks or something and buy her a frapp and sit and talk to her and LISTEN TO HER....
tell her she is free to speak her mind... AND THEN LET HER. Let her tell you how much she hates having you in "HER" home and ask her why............. LISTEN to her, acknowledge her feelings and find out what she NEEDS to make this work.....
not going to be easy.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): I think your g/f got caught up in the moment of you moving in and forgot her life changes also affect her daughter.
Just because Mum likes you it doesnt mean the daughter has too.
Have you been dating long? Was the daughter ever involved with outings etc. It sounds to me she doesnt know you that well and if so remember you are really complete stranger.
She is going through the change of girl to a woman and to have a stranger in the house will make her puberty all the more ackward.
Are you acting lovey dovey with each other? She probably feels left out and home as she knew it no longer exists.
Your g/f has not been fair on her daughter and if the daughters father is still around then you cannot play the roll of father full stop. No discipline and going over the top with presents and telling when she should be home etc.
Remember that this will take a while to rectify and you need alot of patience to see it through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): Your girlfriend has been very selfish. Offer to move out until she starts acting like a caring mum.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Since you and your gf already moved in, you are going to have to be a united team on APOLOGIZING to the daughter.
Mom was in the wrong for NOT notifying her daughter. It is not asking permission, but she did have a right to know BEFORE you moved in and address any potential questions/issues up front.
After you address her as a team...it would be a nice thing to privately work on your relationship with her. She isnt a roomie, you are taking on a Step Dad role now.
Apologize to her for being blindsided by the new living arrangements. You did not mean to upset her or hurt her. It was not fair to her, it was her home first, and it should have been handled differently.
After all that is said and done, even if she is still upset and disagreeable...ask her.."Think we can get along civilly?"
Then let time do its job. Be consistent and PLEASE make sure you discuss with her Mom in the future about events that could effect the daughter too. You are the interloper here. Make sure you are on the same page about what is acceptabe for parenting type decisions. Guidance and Discipline especially? Is only MOM going to handle that or are you a team?
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, galdegir  +, writes (14 June 2011):
I understand where the daughter is coming from an 18yr gap is fairly big too between you and the mother.... Thing is your girlfriend shouldve been putting the daughter first before allowing you to move in yes she very much should have been informed about mum allowing you to move in that child has to be comfortable with new arrangements in her home and clearly she isnt comfortable with you in the house. You have to respect how the child feels maybe its best to avoid conflict between daughter and mother as she gets older by moving back into your own flat or parents? And start paying the child a little interest in her activites as well with sport and school.Sometimes its just a child acting out for not liking who mum or dad decides to date othertimes its genuine they are not comfortable with you and being a young woman she'd have a fairly good instinct on a persons character at 15 and as a parent myself mum should be listening to daughter opinion on the matter more so than her own need for a 'man' in the house.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 June 2011):
 I think your GF should have informed her that you wer moving in, or that you were planning on moving in. However, it is your GF's home.
Have you talked to your GF about it? I think this is a mess SHE needs to clear up, honestly.
You could also try the adult way, sit her down and talk to her. Take the time to get to know the girl.
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