A
female
age
26-29,
*issTellAll
writes:Sort of a big question here, I just want opinions. How do you feel about yourself? How does this opinion affect your relationships?The reason I ask is because I have very low self-esteem, which I am working on but it always comes back to bite me in relationships. I deny anything good about myself when talking to my SO and they end up becoming fed up with the situation- but I can't control it! I don't like talking down on myself, I just do it as if it's second nature. Even whenever I'm having a particularly good day I can't think about myself in a positive way. It's sickening and an issue I admit to having at the beginning of all of my relationships, but I guess the guys I date don't realize just how deep this issue runs.Back to the question. In what ways and/or to what extent has self-esteem issues in either you or your partner (or previous partners) effected your relationship(s)?Any input is greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, elwhy +, writes (16 June 2011):
Well I have recently learned about human behavior and love in my Psychology class. Im not 100% correct but i can still give you my advice.To be able to love others, you must first love yourself. Meaning, you can only give what you have. But if you have low self esteem, it must be something that once put you down in the past that is keeping you from regaining your self esteem back.Well for example, my ex-girlfriend has really low self-esteem, I always tell her that she is beautiful, but she denies it and she wont accept any compliments i give to her. Then she would become really shy or gloomy.I soon learn that she has been going through a lot of hell in the past. Like her past relationships (confidential), her parents, and just her life script overall.But coming from me, I usually always smile and I know how to make people laugh, and people usually loves to be around me. So her negative energy and my positive energy just evens out. And we both learn a lot of things from each other. The reason we broke up is we had to move away.Sorry if this is too long, but what im trying to say is just get out of your comfort zone and smile =D!... Everybody loves to see other people happy.Hope this helps! :)
A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (15 June 2011):
MissTellAll is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the feedback. My situation is a little different Lovemeright11, in that I feel so much affection towards people I date, but my issue is I deny that anyone could have those affectionate feelings reciprocated for me, which has been bothersome to guys in the past..
But, thank you both for your input. Definitely made me think.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Of course the way you see yourself affects your relationships, in fact I think most relationship problems stem from self esteem issues.
When you are needy and controlling, because you fear that , the moment you turn your eye ,someone "better " than you can easily snatch him away.
When you accept half-heartedly a FBW situation because such a cool guy would never want to date you seriously so might as well.
When you date , or even marry, someone who is not passionate about you because you feel you would not be able to inspire a great passion anyway.
When you accept to ALWAYS come after his friends because , after all, it's "normal " that he has more fun with his friends that with lil' boring you.
The list is endless. Any time you settle for less than you really want, chances are it's about your self esteem or lack of the same.
Not that having a good self esteem is a magic charm to grant you a smooth love life and a happily ever after, because after all there are situations that cannot be fixed, feelings that can't be requited, characters that are not compatible.
But at least a sound self esteem will help you in making hard choices and walking away with the least possible regret from relationships that do not promote your happiness and personal growth.
How do you "fix " your self esteem , or how can you even be sure you have self esteem problems and how serious. Ah that would be a very long debate. It's a complex question, because self esteem does not only depend from your childhood or upbringing or how you interpreted personal events of your past, it also has strong situational, cultural, social implications.
You may want to inform yourself , there is an abundant literature about that.. "Self esteem " by Gloria Steinhem is a good book ( a bit " heavy " for a 16 y.o., but I am sure you are a smart 16 y.o. :). Go to a library and peruse by subject- or simply to a Barnes and Noble in the psychology or women studies section, you'll find interesting readings with useful tips.
If you live in a big place, you can find self esteem classes and seminars . And if it ever gets to be a big problem, counseling is always a good option.
In the meantime, I suggest you a very simple trick / exercise. Learn to take compliments. When somebody says, "cool T shirt " don't immediately reply " oh it's an old rag ". Smile and say " Thanks, I like it too ".
If you get complimented for some physical trait , don't jump up and say : yeah but I need to do something about my cellulite - or acne- or whatever. Just say "thanks " kindly but breezily, like "yeah I know , what's new then ".Try, it's fun. Keep at it and it will become your TRUE second nature.
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A
female
reader, Lovemeright11 +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Its a big problem my current boyfriend has this almost same problem you have. He almost never knows how he feels about anything he does and he feels he is not good enough for me even thought some where in there he knows he is so he stays with me even threw his own negative thinking. he tells me all the time how much he cares about me but never truly knows if he feels anything else. I know he loves me by his actions but he can't even label it as love in his own mind. He knows when he is having a good time but if i ask if he is happy he says I guess more because he is truly not sure even if his actions show he is. So yes this affects my relationship for sure cause I hate seeing him be down on himself and get in a highly depressed state especially when I feel like I have not clue how to comfort him when he is in this state. The worst thing for me would have to be knowing that he hears me say "I love you" but feels they are just words and have no meaning when they go threw his head. So I am not sure if you have had similar issues but sure sound kinda close to how my bf is. hope this helps i guess. :)
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