A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has told me that her VERY BEST FRIEND is another man. They have been best friends for over 30 years. They frequently interact via text, phone calls, email, and Facebook. (He is currently divorced and living halfway across the country) I have asked her to back off a little and she tells me she has, only to find out later, she hasn't. She has told me many times that there has never been any romantic or sexual feelings or actions between them. I have always felt that I wanted to marry a woman who is my best friend. I am concerned that as long as she has this other man as her best friend, WE will never be able to be as close and intimate as two people who are TRULY each other's best friend. She has two failed marriages and several failed relationships with men but assures me that having this other man as her best friend, has never been the issue. I do not believe this is true.Should I let this girl go now....knowing that she will always be confiding and trusting in another man more than me?
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (23 June 2011):
 If my bf asked me to end ANY friendship what was meaningful and healthy to me, he would no longer be dating ME.
That is a LONG friendship and you asked too much.
If you can not deal with her past and her friendship with another male-let her go.
You let her know that you need to be the "star" in a committed relationship. Considering her past failed marriages and your insecurity with her committment to her friend, you are a bad match.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): My best friend is female. In fact, most of my closest friends are female. Just happens to be that way. My best friend regularly tells me she loves me to bits and that any man that can't accept that she has a male best friend is not the man for her.
You can't change people. They are who they are and you must love and accept them. If you have a problem with this, then it is your problem and I suggest you let her go. You should be able to trust there is nothing going on and to expect someone to give up their best friend or have minimal contact with them after 30 years - well, suggests you have certain levels of insecurity that probably wouldn't fade even if she followed your request. Which, to be frank, she shouldn't have to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I can understand how you feel.. and it sucks. I think it's going to be really hard for you to get her to stop talking to him, because she's been friends with him for so long, before she even knew you. So it's hard for you to ask that of her. But she should also understand and put your feelings in to consideration, and weigh what's more important: her relationship with you or her friendship with that guy. You should talk to her and see if she can minimize her talking to him, and say that you're serious about this and it's something you feel strongly for. If she can't respect your feelings and do something about them, then you have to figure out if it's something you can deal with, and how important your relationship with her is. I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Thirty years, man. That's a lot of friendship. That's a lot of time to grow close and be there for one another. I don't think he will be exiting her life anytime soon, my friend.
Personally, I think you are overreacting. If there doesn't seem to be flirtation and he is across the country, then what gives? Telling her who her friends can and can't be will only make her feel distant from you. She will resent you for this and I really don't think it is fair to her. One of my best friends is a guy and I talk to him frequently, but it truly is strictly platonic. My boyfriend knows this and knows I'm coming home and devoting myself to him, not my friend. It's not like having best friends of the opposite sex is a deal breaker.
...............................
A
female
reader, halu  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 i don't think you should end a perfectly fine relationship because of a friend. she says she has been friends with him for over 30 years. if they were going to date they would of by now so i don't think you have to worry about that :)
how long have you been with her? it could be that she trusts you deeply, but she simply knows her best friend more, so she trusts him more. and regardless what sort of relationship you have with someone, there will almost always be more trust with people that you have known the longest.
i don't think there is anything to worry about (but i can understand if you disregard my comment as i lack life experience haha) at the end of the day, she is dating you, not her best friend, and you probably with time become her best friend, and she will trust you as much as, or more than her best friend.
please don't end a relationship because of a friend that was there before you were :) don't ruin a good thing
halu xx
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Hi dear friend,
I was reading your story and I truly agree and understand how you feel. Its almost impossible that a man and a female can be best friends without any other intensions, but for my own personal experience I had to answer ans reassure you that "its possible"
I am a female and I have a male bestfriend for the past 10 years. In my case is a little different, because we dated for 4-5 years and now we're just best friends. I promise you that during the past 5 years, we never had any sexual intimacy or any other feelings than just being very good friends.
I know its hard to believe. I wouldn't believe either if this was not my case. But, I have all the sympathy for you. You have all the rights to feel this way and us humans, we tend to feel jealous. Its only natural and normal to feel this way.
You mentioned she had a couple of fail marriages, other exs, but she assure you that had nothing to do with the male friend. I believe her completely. Some people are lucky in life and have found that one true love. Life is easy, you get married, have kids, raise a family and its picture perfect. Some, need to go through few experiences, might take some extra time to find the one? Hopefully one day we all will (I am single myself :-) ).
Its ok, and please don't judge her for her past. I don't think she has a problem and you should not judge her for her past. We all make mistakes. How many times you thought you were in love? But then realize it was not? :)
I am not sure how long you've been together, how much you love her, how strong is your relationship, but if this "male friend is only the problem, in my opinion, you should not let her go... Who knows she's the love of your life? Who knows this could be a happy, healthy, amazing realtionship and you will loose her over something that's is truly "just friends?"
Feeling jealous of the one you love is only natural. I know you want to be the only one in her life. I am sure you are the only one love in her life. You are the man she loves, otherwise she wouldn't be with you and she wouldn't take the time to explain to you. She really cares for you and I know for sure she's not lying...
Jealousy is a beautiful feeling to an extend. That shows you love and care, but jealousy can also be evil and destructive. Its up to you to put a limit.
You are her man and the love of her life, but people need balance in life. We need family time, friend time, alone time. We need to have it all to have a happy, successful life and also to keep our sanity. Life along is very difficult and stressful and we need all the support we can get, right?
Its hard and you can't help your emotions, but trust your girlfriend... Respect her and she'll respect you back. Don't go searching for things behing her back, if you have something bothering you, tell her, ask her in a calm matter. If in case you answer him on the phone and he asks for her, or whatever interaction you have with him in the future, be nice to him, be friendly and who knows? You guys can become good friends too?...
Its your life and your decision. Always do what's best for you and believe in your gut feeling. But, I truly believe that you both deserve a chance in love. If you both get along well and love each other? If the male friend is the only problem? I believe you should give this realtionship a chance...
Hope this help!
Good luck!
...............................
|
