A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'll try and keep this as brief as possible.My sister is getting married next week and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years (maybe more) won't come to my sisters wedding because 'she wont know anyone'. This upsets me a lot, as I'm giving my sister away, and its also offended me because I want her to be there and she's just not interested. She wont even come to the reception. I've even told her how dissapointed I am that she's not coming, and she just doesnt seem to care.She never ever does stuff with my family (Like go out for meals, or even come by my mothers/sisters house for a cup of coffee or whatever, she says its playing 'happy families' - it's totally not, I'd just like her to get on with my family, we're all pretty close and I always feel like an idiot when they ask about her) I've tried suggesting things she just wont budge. Also she thinks my sister is trying to set me up with one of her bridesmaids, so really, she should come to the wedding to see that is all total bollocks! What should I do? Is this break-up worthy? I totally dont know what to think, it's put a black cloud over the whole day for me. Sorry if this post is a little scatty, it's been bugging me for so long. I feel like I'm in such an awkward position. Any suggestions would be great, thank you :)
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 You guys have been together for 2 1/2 years and she isn't wanting ANY contact with your family? That is just off. I'm not saying you should adopt your GF/BF's family, but you SHOULD make an effort to get to know them.
Honestly, you sisters wedding is a BIG deal. The fact that you are the one to give her away is pretty big. IF she can't get over whatever issues she has with families and support you, how do you think life with her is going to be if you marry her? I think being isolated from your family is horrible, specially if you have a good bond with them.
If she was a guy I dated, it would be a deal breaker for me. My family means everything to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): I've had to read your message a couple of times, as I found it interesting that YOU are a guy posing this question, as it is a fairly common question asked by females, why they are not included, or have not met any friends or family members.
So although this issue surrounds a female, I don't really see the problem differs to how I would answer if it were a guy acting like this.
Two and a half years is a fairly long-term relationship, and as you say, this is a big event in your life, and for your family, so of course it's important that you want to share it with your girlfriend. I appreciate fully about one keeping space, and not changing one's personality completely to accommodate others, whether it friends, a partner or family. However, there does come a point in a long-term relationship that you must be flexible, consider your partners feelings and wishes occasionally, because IF not, there is a high chance of parting, as you will do less and less together.
Which is obviously the issue here with your girlfriend. It also demonstrates quite a selfish side that on such a BIG occasion she is still not willing to go with you. If she doesn't want to be part of the bigger picture, what is she looking for from a relationship? Have you asked her?
You are not being unreasonable at all - those of us in long-term relationships know there will be times, we don't want to attend a family gathering, no I'm not talking about dropping round for coffee, but a major event, as for your sisters wedding, and WE go, this is called ' give and take' in a relationship, being emotionally mature, not being self-obsessed by just our own needs. Very often people like this have not bonded particularly well with their own families, or can be loners..but you don't mention how she is generally.
To me she sounds as though she is keeping herself at a distance, and in men, this can be accounted for as ' Emotionally Unavailable ' many articles on the subject.
I often say this, but Caring Guy is right, if she is NOT there for you now after 2 years, this will NOT get better, so I would suggest you talk to her about it seriously, because if she refuses to join you next week, and you accept it, you face a future of major events, or any events she doesn't want to go to, on your own...and where does the line get drawn?
You have to make the decision yourself, and if you want a 50-50 equal relationship of give and take, I think this young lady is not likely to be the one for you!
I really hope your sister has a wonderful wedding day, and that you enjoy the day too..it's too special for you not to.
Good luck!
Jill x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): i would see if your gf's rumours about your sister trying to set you up with a bridesmade is true, then follow through with that set-up, atleast she had the decency to turn up to your sisters wedding!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 July 2010):
Believe me when I say this. If she is not there for you now, she will never be there for you. Everyone in the world has to do things that maybe they don't like. But they have to do them, because sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Your girlfriend needs to understand that. If she doesn't, then she's not good enough. Believe me, if she can't do this, she will never be there for you and you'll always be looking over your shoulder waiting for her to stab you in the back or something. Either she comes to the wedding and supports you, or she goes straight out of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Is she just a really shy person?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Uhm,that's a difficult one.
at first, I instinctively wanted to say : sure ,if you are very close to your family and it is very important tto you, your girlfriend needs to realize that and to make an effort in belonging.
Then I thought about my own experience which would deny my own advice.
One of the things I am very grateful to my ex for, and I respect him a lot, is that he never tried to push me closer to his family.
He knew I am not much of a family type- I don't "do" family events. I think the real families are families of the heart -people you choose : friends, coworkers, companions in faith... people you actually have something in common with . And it was also apparent from the beginning that there was not much mutual syntony between my inlaws and I, and that we have different ideas about money, religion, child rearing and other important issues. My ex always let me perfectly free to choose my level of involvement with his family, that along the years dwindled to next to nothing,and never insisted for more.
On the other hand, I never objected to him spending time with his family any time he wanted and never felt in competition with them.
He is an ex- and for many reasons, but not this one among them.
I guess like in most everything compromise is the solution. Perhaps she could agree to be less adamant in avoiding your family, and you could agree to keep the family events or celebrations to a minimum.
I am optimistic. I think you can work it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Sadly, I do think this is break-up worthy. Maybe she is jealous of your family, maybe intimidated by them just because she doesn't know them, or whatever. I don't know why anyone would want to avoid their partner's family and I also understand that it must be very hurtful for you. I would be so proud to give away one of my siblings (although I'm a girl so I won't be...), and I would also love to have my other half there to support me and share my special day. Moreover, family is family. You can't just separate them from your relationship, at least, I couldn't. For me and my fiance our families are big big parts of our lives. We all get on well even if we don't see much of them. To say it's playing "happy families" is silly and immature. It's part of a normal relationship to get on with your OH's family. She doesn't have to be best friends but avoidance is something else.
I feel that she is being selfish and childish. I don't know why anyone would do this. I would also say that if she really loves you she should see how important your family are to you and should act accordingly. Unless your folks have given her cause to dislike them- perhaps check this with her- then I think you need to draw a line here because you just can't have a proper relationship with her behaving like this. I feel that it might be attention seeking, I don't know. But it's making you unhappy, as it would me, and if she won't change her attitude I think you need to move on.
Have a great time at the wedding, I'm sure it will be a wonderful day. Your sister must love you very much to ask you to give her away. Don't let ANYTHING or ANYONE detract from this.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 You dont say how you spend your time when with your gf, do you do things together with her family?
I think that you should go ahead and enjoy yourself at the wedding without worrying about your gf, if she doesnt want to go, well then, she doesnt have to. But what her attitude does show is that she expects everything her way or not at all.
Do you do all the work in the relationship? I honestly dont see much of a future in this relationship, maybe it is time to reconsider exactly what you both want out of this relationship.
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 July 2010):
 I think you need to have one final chat with her, and you need to make it clear how serious the situation is.
Tell her that your family are very important to you and if she is not willing to try and get on with them for the sake of your relationship then it is over. Now I am not normally one for ultimatums but your girlfriend is being very silly and acting like a child, and she needs to understand that unless she stops being so selfish she is going to lose you.
So I would sit her down and have a proper chat about this - she clearly has given you a million reasons not to spend time with your family, so now it is time for you to tell her that unless she gets her act together its over.
This situation is indeed worthy of a break-up, after all your parents have given you 18+ years of love and attention, and they deserve the same back out of pure respect. So if a partner (i.e. your girlfriend) completely disrespects your relationship with your family and chooses not to care about your feelings - then she does not value your relationship. Simple as that. Basically if you love someone you would want to be accepted by their family, you would want to spend time with them so they could get to know you, because one day you would hope they would become your family too. If she doesnt want this then she obviously doesnt care about a future with you.
So it is time for one final talk - dont let her start giving you crap excuses, make sure you tell her just to listen to what you have to say and then make it crystal clear to her how you feel. No partner should make you choose between your family and them, it is simply wrong. So she needs to start considering your feelings in all of this otherwise she is just not worth your time.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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