A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A male United States age 18-21, flyboy275 writes:Hey guys,Well i have a wonderful girlfriend that is most definately the best thing that has ever happened to me! This much i promise.....but i have a problem......I have come on this site and asked a couple times about what to do when dealing with her past.....she has quite a disturbing one.....but i will only deal with one issue for this question.....The week after my girlfriend turned 14, she lost her virginity to a 20 year old. She told me about this with openness but it is still quite apparent that it bothers her. I did ask her what happened, but she said that she couldn't remember and that she was really drunk.She said it was so bad in fact that he had to hold her up as he was carrying her into the room that they had sex. She said that the only recollection that she has about the incident is him being on top and her throwing away her bloodied underwear the next day.She never told any one about anything, and even her parents don't know about it. But i looked into it and it turns out that this guy got caught some months later doing the same thing with a 14year old......so now he is a registered sex offender.What makes me mad is that she defends the guy! She says that since she can't remember that she wont assume that she was taken advantage of and that his subsequent past has no bearing on this issue.....hell she even told me she doesn't have a problem with the guy.So i told her, if there is no problem, just call the guy up and ask him what happened not only for her to get closure, but for me! It just bothers me so much that she was so young and taken advantage of.What do you guys think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): I got taken advantage of a couple of months ago. And the stupid thing is a couple of days after it happened i went out for drinks with the guy- I kick myself for it now. I think it was the best way i could deal with it at the time, to believe that nothing wrong happened, and continue as if it hadn't been a 'dodgy dealing'. Maybe facing up to the fact that what happened is actually wrong is too much for her to take, she's blocked it out as a normal thing so it can't hurt her.
It's nice to see you care about her:)
XxXx
A
male
reader, rproctor +, writes (25 July 2008):
Yea man, if she is not bothered by it I would let it be... Probably all your doing is throwing up bad memories for her, and making her go through them again. Do you really want your gf to have to deal with this fucking prick? I think not... Let it go man, or let her go.
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A
female
reader, Tigger3165 +, writes (25 July 2008):
 DON'T PUSH HER!!! that's the main thing i can tell you... she will deal with it when she is ready... i was in her spot just over a year ago... and i couldn't remember any of it... and i stayed friends with the guy... i don't know why... but he was a really great friend and i could talk to him... no one understood, not even me... but the more people would push me to talk about it, or deal with it, the more they would just end up pushing me away...
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 July 2008):
Maybe it really doesn't bother her as much as you think it does. How long ago did this happen? Sure it's in her past and what happened...happened. I don't think it's a good idea for her to call him to find out what happened. He's obviously not a "good guy" if he takes advantage (basically rapes) 14 year-old girls. It's pretty clear what happened, she was drunk and he saw the opportunity and took advantage of her. I wouldn't expect him to be honest. When I was younger in junior high/high school, I heard of those sorts of things happening all the time. I'm not saying that it's "okay" because it happens all the time or anything like that, it also happens to women of all ages. In my opinion, women are a lot stronger than many people think, and although something disturbing has happened in the past--it may still bother us somewhat but we know we have to get over it and move on with our lives. Unless it's causing some sort of conflict in your guys' relationship, you should just let it be and not mention it.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 I wonder whether she is defending him, or defending herself from the problems you have accepting her past?
I also wonder whether she needs closure, or whether it's you who wants closure?
Is dealing with her past a problem for her - or only for you? Does it really bother her now? Does it only bother her when you bring up the subject again and again?
I wonder whether you should ask yourself if you are doing her any favours by pushing, by making her feel she has a problem when in fact it may be that no problem exists for her any longer.
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