A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, my girlfriend and I are in a rather unique situation. We've been doing sexual things for just over four months now. I've given her oral and fingered her, and she's touched me. We have never had sex and she has never given me oral. Here's the unique part. When she was little she was molested. The person got her to give him oral. She didn't really realize just what was going on until later. It has been really hard on her. We've worked really hard to help her feel like a normal girl. Before I even knew about her past I did a lot of work to get her to trust me and I've continued doing that since. Though the months she's slowly become relaxed and no longer has any problems with what we do. There is only one aspect of her past that still haunts her. I've given her oral so she wants to give it to me, but she doesn't think she can. Any time we talk about it I can tell the past is bugging her. I don't expect her to do it. I wouldn't expect it even if she didn't have that past. I don't even think I really deserve that from her. Despite her past she is a virgin and she's said she wants me to be her first. So there isn't any problems there, it's only when it comes to giving me oral. She says she wants to and she's asked to try but always changes her mind and doesn't even attempt it. I have no problem with this. The last thing I want is for my body to become mixed with her past and cause the terrified expression I saw after she first got herself to touch me. I really don't want to see that again, but this is bugging her. She really wishes she could do this. Does anyone have any advice? (besides talking to a therapist or something.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I know who you are, and you know what I think.. This thing will do you both no good, and I suggest you let these new ideas your having go..... I won't provide an earlier link, but if I provide more details (which you've hidden again) you and me both know you'll get different advice.
I suggest you leave this experimenting alone, for some reason, I have a strong feeling that you will end up causing your girlfriend harm.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): i understand were shes coming from. its good that your not pressuring her. my first serious relationship was with a guy 6 years older than me and so he had expectations. i wasnt ready to sleep with him i'd just turned 17 wasnt ready to take that step. after a month or so he got impatient. said that if i wouldnt sleep with him then i should please him in other ways. he pretty much emotionally blackmailed me into given him oral sex. i wanted to keep him happy, i was niave. but eventually, though too late, i realised what he was doing was wrong i shouldnt be forced into doing anything. my boyfriend understands and he makes sure that im okay with anything we do and he says that i dont have to do anything to him that im not comfortable doing. to be honest i dont think i'll ever be able to go there but he loves me and we have a great sex life so to us its not a big deal. so as long as your both happy with what you have going then enjoy that because in the end oral sex is not whats important its being toegther and having someone with you that loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I want to confirm what "rcn" suggested. The methods explained by him is very effective. Encourage her to do it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 October 2008):
 So, no therapist, but you ask for advice. Without contact with her, it's a bit difficult to help because it's unknown weather she knows your seeking advise and how she'd take it if she did know. We may not know her name or where you live, but to an abused victim, telling others about their horror can be the same to them as if we know who you're talking about.
I'm not a therapist, so I don't want to know about your mother, I'm a behavior analyst. I research behaviors which are developed by mentally traumatic events. She was forced to give oral as a child. Although you may see it as an act which you both could find enjoyment. By the way, I commend you for not forcing the issue with her. Because she was forced at a young age the "eeeew gross" is associated with that act as an adult. Everything we know about everything is developed by a form of experience. Her oral sexual experience was horrifying, so when it comes time to try, her subconscious feeds her conscious mind with what she knows by experience of how to react to that act.
Now, what she should do, if she's tired of carrying this affect with her. Dealing with childhood trauma is different than adult trauma, because the "created" age remains as she grows. This will seem a bit simple, but the impact on her health is huge.
(1) Write a letter, it doesn't have to be sent, to the abuser which emotionally details how their abusive acts toward her has affected her life. This letter needs to be as if she was speaking to them face to face. Or she can take a picture of them, and in private have an outburst with the same of how her life has been affected.
Second part to this, after her emotional release is complete, she needs to forgive them. Not because they deserve her forgiveness, but because she deserves to live without this pain, which by seeing her face you understand how pain has affected her.
(2) As I said above this pain is not trapped as adult pain, it's trapped with the knowledge she had when this abuse happened. This step is extremely important. Children are week, and too often are forced into doing something that cause cause them harm. They don't have the ability to overpower an adult, it's like being in a cage locked but as an adult knowing the cage door was unlocked the whole time.
For step 2 she needs a picture of herself as a child around the time of this abuse. She needs to look at this picture and write herself a letter. This letter needs to be one as if her adult self were to travel back in time and visit her young abused self. What would she say if she was able to do that? Would she reinforce it not being her fault? That she should blame herself? This is a way to release herself of the guilt she carries with her.
I've seen people, using these methods eliminate years of pain and guilt. I have confidence change will happen. I really have no compassion for those who abuse kids, or anyone. Selfish pigs. I hope this provides some information to point you in the direction your seeking. Take care.
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A
female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (21 October 2008):
 I can totally relate to your girlfriend. I was molested as a child, with oral sex on the man. I love my boyfriend and want to please him, and I know he likes oral, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it. The best advice I can give is to keep doing what you're doing, NEVER pressure her into it. She will learn to overcome this with love, patience, and time. In the meantime, just enjoy being with a great girl. Best of Luck.
Victoria~
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A
female
reader, estanie +, writes (21 October 2008):
 i was molested and raped when i was younger too and it's extremely hard to forget that. my advice is to continue comforting her and reassure her that she doesn't have to do it. make her feel appreciated with anything that you guys have done and that you are content. if/when she does it...caress her and don't put your hands on her head like your forcing her to go deep. also...make her feel like she is in control because being molested...it feels like we lost that. my boyfriend makes sure whatever we do...it's something that i want to do cause if i don't...he would never expect me to continue. if she needs anyone to talk to or even you as well...feel free to contact me here and i'll be glad to listen and help any way i can. hope all goes well!
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A
female
reader, woman23 +, writes (21 October 2008):
 My advice is to keep things the way they are, not to talk to much about it and just keep letting her know, if she asks, that there is no pressure and let her know that you support her and when ever she feels ready then she can do it, but not to worry to be in a hurry or anything.
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