A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years and lived with her for 6 of those years. I suffer from depression and am known to cut off from the world and lately she has been getting on with her university and making friends and I have just been a bit of a hermit. Nearly two weeks ago she said she was hurt and is not in-love with me but does still love me and said that she wants me to be happy. Since then I ihave really tried to get my act together, I have just been accepted to university myself, I have been getting up early and I told her how I really felt. I love her so much it makes me feel sick and have only started to eat properly again yesterday. We went out last night to her end of term show and we got on. We held hands and kissed in public, it's like it was when we first got together. We both have problems and leaned on each other a lot. But now she has more confidence that I myself lack. She says she wants to be with me and that I havn't lost her, but when she said she wasn't in-love with me it really broke my heart, she said she felt it for a while and thought I felt the same way. I am really trying to change and she said shes amazed by how much I have changed in such a short time. Right now I couldn't bare life without her, we have been through so much, things that would normally end relationships before they begin. I moved away to be with her 6 years ago and cut off from my old life. I wasn't happy back then so was willing to start life over again. Times like this has made me realize how much I want her in my life.She says she is still hurt and says she wants the spark back and hopes in time it will return.As I suffer from depression I have a lot of negative thoughts and part of me feels she just wants me to sort myself out and then to go. I know she loves and cares about me and she says she believes me when I say how I feel about her, she also says, I should listen to her, perhaps she knows how I think?I love her so much and don't want to lose her. This is both our first relationship and like I said we supported each other, we grew up and faced the world together, but it's like she is leaps ahead of me. I just want her to want me again. I feel things are a bit better now as we are talking, but am afraid I might be driving her a bit crazy by repeating myself. I am hurting real bad and know I should not be clingy!Please help me, I just cry to myself when shes not here, I feel sick and pace waiting for her to come home.She thought I didn't love her and said it took her a while to tell me how she felt as she didn't have the courage.I am a twat, but I really know it now and really want to change. She also told me to grow a pair of balls in a joking way.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I'm sorry to say this, but a woman never tells you "to grow a pair of balls" in a playful way. They always mean every word of it.
I think, however, that she may be wrong in her understanding of the situation. Just as you can't grow testicles after you're born, you can't change your way of being overnight. And that is what she seemed to be expecting from you.
I do think you need to be more assertive of yourself. I would suggest you try one thing at a time, to gain confidence in a progressive manner.
I also suggest that you let her go if that is what she wants. That is, perhaps, the first step towards developing confidence. You won't cling to somebody who doesn't want to be there with you.
Tell her this, tell her you want to change, and also say goodbye if you have to.
Take care.
A
female
reader, softballplaya  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 I truly feel for you and your story made me so upset.
You seem like a very sensitive kind of guy which there is nothing wrong with that at all. Your gf should accept you for who you are and should be very happy to have you. Confidence is hard to obtain but once you get it sticks with you. If you want to be confident then find something you dont really like and change it positively then you will prolly feel more comfortable. If she says you have not lost her then dear you havent! Your worrying will cause problems if it becomes out of control. I have the same problem because I have really bad anxiety. Its very obvious your gf is your life, thats a good thing. But mabey you should work on yourself and make a slight alteration to yourself like she said for now. Keep her a major part but dont let her consume your entire life right now, especailly if a change needs to be made. Things will work out for you, your gf must really love you by what your telling me. Its hard to feel like someone that you've been through so much with is slipping away. This is all a configuration of your mind and how your mind is percieving this. SHE is what is the main part in your life so if SHE sees a problem you think SHE will stray. In reality this dosent happen that much, a flaw is a flaw and we are only human if we have them. She knows this, thats why she is still with you because she loves you for all that you are. Depression is prolly hard to ignore and you must eat right to stay healthy. Try and see the positive in your life and focus on all the good and try to leave the bad stuff behind. Do it for her if not for yourself. Dont worry dear this will all pass with some time and alot of effort
best of luck & take care!
=]
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (23 May 2008):
 You seem like a very nice person, but a very nice person is all you are. Most nice people have a tendency to overcompensate their insecurities for being extra nice, and when that happens, you lose the excitement of being a mystery, a challenge, and an exciting person to be around with. You've made yourself predictable and 'dull' in her eyes, which you probably aren't deep down. But if you intend to keep her around for a very long time and maybe even begging to come back for more, you have to change your ways.
Its always a 'difficult' situation when one is an introvert and the other an extrovert. Either one of you has to give in to the other by meeting somewhere in the middle, although it seems clear that you will be the one doing the changing in this case. That might not necessarily be a bad thing. You do not have to be the party animal, and neither is she asking you to be one. All she seeks of you is to be social moderately. And of course, before you even begin to do that, you have to first battle your self esteem issues from within! Being clingy, crying all the time for the fear of losing her, constantly putting yourself down and before others, lack of self confidence, are all part of having a low self esteem.
The way you deal with self esteem differs on everyone, and I suggest you talk to someone slightly more professional than the agony aunts/uncles. But essentially, you need to start thinking that you don't owe the world anything. You have to have the kind of mindset that says, you don't need anyone who doesnt need you, that you are better than the the majority of people (force yourself to believe it!), and that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. Somewhere along those lines anyway.
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