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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend is very possessive of me. She actually ordered me not to talk to another woman because she thinks that woman has designs on me. I used to work with this person and needed to go see her for work related reasons. I have a new job and needed some info from her that would assist me in my new job. Well, my girlfriend blew up when I told her I was going to see her. She was just livid. She said she is not comfortable with me seeing this person. And that it would be a deal breaker for her if I did. I decided to call this person instead in order to appease my girlfriend. But what do you think? Does a partner have a right to put their foot down about who you should or should not speak with? I am afraid if I talked to this woman in person my girlfriend would leave me. How can I make her less possessive? So that she feels more secure with me? I explained to her, so what if this woman has designs on me? If my girlfriend trusted me, she would know it wouldn't matter if that woman or any other woman had an interest in me. I would not be interested in them. That is what counts. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Saphire_gurl  +, writes (22 August 2019):
I think possessiveness only leads to unnecessary hurt for all of those involved. I think you should stand up for yourself remain polite but stand up for yourself and say that you’ve never been romantically interested in the other woman but you have no choice but to talk to her over work related issues so your partner has to trust you. Lots of other women will come into your life who you will have to talk to at some point whether it’s work colleagues or friends or relatives. I think it’s out of order for her to say she’ll end the relationship if you simply talk to the other woman. She might have trust issues from the past or she might simply be the jealous type. It sounds like your every scared and shocked by your partners behaviour at the moment. I think you need to question whether this relationship is for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2019): It would seem your girlfriend is very insecure and probably has abandonment-issues. Jealousy is a normal emotion that we all feel at some-time or another; but there are degrees, and only so much of it should you tolerate coming from someone who should trust you.
If this is an isolated case, she probably has better discernment about this person than you do. If you're naive and too trusting; you'll make your mate totally miserable. You're an adult, and should be watching-out for yourself. However, this is a former co-worker; and it's strictly a professional interaction. To be honest, it doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's not the woman she doesn't trust; it's more likely you whom she can't trust!
Here on DC we get many different scenarios about jealousy; so how you handle it depends on the person that you're dealing with. If jealousy becomes an obsession, a form of bondage; and the person goes into rage or responds with violence or aggression. They have to go! You shouldn't try to reason or compromise with a person like that. To stay with them is stupid! Yes, I said stupid! In such a situation, you're counting-down the days until they totally lose it, and maim or kill you! That's a sick person. It's more than jealousy, it's mental-illness.
Some people actually believe someone like that is insanely in-love. No, that's not the case. You're their property, they own you!
Over the years, I've known women who had crazy boyfriends and girlfriends; who were jealous, and actually physically harmed them. They bragged about how jealous he/she was. I don't need friends who think like that. I'm too protective, and I could get hurt trying to defend them. I tried to advise them for their own good; but if they don't listen, I have nothing more to do with them. I cut all ties. They're just another potential victim to hear about on the 11 o'clock news!
You can't cater to or give-into a total nutcase who thinks they have a right to tell you, a full-grown woman, whom she can and cannot talk to.
If you want someone like that as your partner and mate; then I guess you've placed yourself in the position that you must acquiesce to her request to keep the peace. If that's all she asks, and if it's only that particular woman. Humor her. Tell her that you will honor her request only this time. If it becomes a pattern, you're sending her to get help!
If this is the situation all the time; she had better go see a therapist, or she should lose YOU!
Never yield to, or defend, irrational-behavior. It becomes the norm, and a controlling-force that overtakes the relationship. If she can get away with it; she will push the envelop a thousand-times over. You'll become her emotional-prisoner.
Often when you try to leave them; they'll often become stalkers and harassers. They are manipulative, extremely intense, intimidating, and relentless!
Law-enforcement professionals tire of these kind of cases. The complaining-individual encourages the behavior by maintaining contact; and then they get scared. That's the reason the police seem indifferent about such complaints; because people either won't file charges, or they end-up going back with these idiots! They respond to their calls, and when they do try to encourage the victim to file charges; they'll drop them before these people are held legally accountable for bothering them.
You mentioned something I found very unsettling. That you would fear losing her; unless you bow to her jealous demands. That's a weakness that will cost you more than you will ever be willing to pay. Don't confuse that kind of jealousy for love, and don't value anyone who treats you like property.
That's when you're the one who needs to see a therapist!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): OP, a woman doesn't just order you not to talk to another woman unless she has good reason. Have you been involved with women from your workplace before? Was your gf one of them? Maybe she sees a pattern going on? Women can love deeply and they will instinctual Lu protect what is theirs. It's primal. If you're not into your gf anymore, let her go & chase whoever you want.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (4 July 2019):
 Hi there,
I understand your difficulty with this situation. On one hand, if you are trustworthy, you should be able to have any friend you want because nothing will ever be inappropriate. On the other, perhaps your girlfriend perceives a threat based on something from her or your past.
Possessiveness is a huge red flag, though. You can't change who people are, so she is likely to always be possessive.
I feel that handling it over the phone was wise, whether your girlfriend "ordered" you or not. That said, you have to decide if this relationship is right for you because this is unlikely to be a one-time issue.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2019):
 Since it could be done over the phone, I'd chosen to that option first.
However, I have to agree with Code Warrior. This would be a DEAL BREAKER for me. For a partner to ORDER me or DEMAND of me to not talk to someone is a total no-go.
If a partner CAN'T trust me to BEHAVE around a person of the other sex, then either they don't know me or THEY have issues. Issues I certainly wouldn't encourage.
NOW the ONLY time I can see this being.. meeeh sorta OK (but not really) if YOU had been inappropriate with this woman before or SHE had attempted to jump your bones. However, that too would have been a deal breaker for me IF you had been inappropriate - you would have been "fired" back then, I would drag it around to hit you over the head with later on.
WHO the F cares if she (the old coworker) had the hots for you? So what? Does your GF thinks you don't know HOW to behave? How to be faithful and how to be a decent person? If that is how she sees you... why are she with you?
I would put my foot down to this kind of demanding behavior. It's ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2019):
 That's fine;I had not read your details and in answering I had assumed you were a male ( politically incorrect, I know :) Sprry, I promise not to do that again ….)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2019): It's the OP. I am a male. I must have checked off the wrong box by mistake.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2019):
What you say is true. But it also true that your insistence on seeing in person this woman when you only need to get from her work relayed infos ,which do not require a personal visit, may have given your gf ( and, who knows, the ex colleague too ) the wrong message. That you are, in fact, a tad interested. Maybe not so interested to cgeat physically, but at least interested to the point of lapping up happily all the attention. Otherwise, I mean, come on- she is just a person whom you USED to work with. One among many presumably. And assuming that she is the only ine who can give you those info, -you do not need to go see her to get them. A phone call ( just like you did, eventually )is quite enough. An email exchange would have been quite enough. Your gf finds it a bit suspicious that you were trying to turn this into a social occasion ….
Every coin has always two sides. On one hand, what you say is undeniable, when there's mutual trust and mutual committment , who has designs on whom is irrelevant, you would not " bite " anyway.
OTH, meeting other people's designs with anything else than stony indifference may be inappropriate and damage that trust. And, if you know, suspect or even just can't exclude that your gf us right and that your ex colleague may fancy you a bit- seeking out occasions to go meet her is not " stony indifference " ,and maybe your gf is not as crazily possessive as you make her, she is just someone who does not want to be dissed….
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