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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. Our relationship has been strained lately because it seems that no matter what I do, and no matter what he does, I cannot trust him. I never fully trusted him the entire time either. But it just seems to get worse and worse. I am always watching his whereabouts, questioning what he does, where he is, who he is talking to, and I micro manage his life in order to have some form of perceived control so that my anxiety does not eat me alive. I don't know how to stop the downward spiral. Except for the fears that he will cheat on me, we have a good relationship. The sex is amazing. We are best friends. I am finding it harder to find peace of mind and safety with this man. I don't want to let him go but allowing myself to be completely vulnerable with him is proving to be near impossible. I know I will be told to leave him if I don't trust him. But how do I know if it is because my fears are illogical and irrational? Rather than him being untrustworthy? I don't want to let him go. He doesn't want to let me go either. But we are in this constant circle about my not trusting him. I cannot seem to just step back and enjoy what we have. And give him my heart on a silver platter. It seems I try and yet I keep resisting trusting him. I step forward and believe he is a good guy. But I then step back again and build my wall. Higher every time. I fear it will become so tall that he will be permanently shut out.I do love him but I find I am trying to stop loving him because I don't trust him. How can I ever trust this man and have a good relationship with him? I never had anyone cheat on me before. He cheated to be with me. And even though our relationship is now legitimate, I cannot seem to shake off the fact that he did it with me so he can do it to me. I seem to be stuck on this point. And cannot see past it, even though he tries very hard to convince me he would never hurt me. I am trying to believe he has good character but his character took a hit the moment he stepped out on someone else to be with me. I know, I should have thought about all this before. I know I am partly responsible for leading him astray. But I didn't think that hard about it in the beginning. I was just overcome by the feelings I had for him. Now I am trying to make this a legitimate relationship when it was born out of cheating. And I just don't know how to do it. I feel it is an impossible task. It is true, he may never cheat. But I need to believe him. I can't. I won't. Despite him feeling the effects of all my micromanaging, constant questions, etc. he does not want to leave me! He stays with me even though we have the same conversations that lead to the same unending circles. Nothing is ever resolved. We just go in circles. Neither of us wants to leave each other. We just stay and try to have a good relationship despite the mistrust. It is just taking a toll on my emotional health. His too. It is a constant roller coaster ride.Is this relationship doomed? Is there nothing we can do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): Yes as CindyCare says: "older married males aren't very sellable on the dating market and would certainly not be first pick for most women". We married men might just as well die if we are unhappy with our partners. Some might say get divorce if you are unhappy but that is easier said than done. Let us face it the marriage institution is not one of the most perfect of man made institutions and not everyone is cut for open end marriages or for swinging. So we married men might just as well go and bury ourselves.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2019):
 Welcome back OP. I'll take with a pinch of salt your affirmation that your relationship is "now" legitimate, because the details in your story may vary, and other times you had made that same claim of legitimacy, only to deny it then in the following post. But, it's not relevant, indeed. What's relevant is , as you noticed, that when you met him, and for quite a long while, he was cheating on his official partner to be with you on the sly.
So,basically you are asking " Can I trust him , should I trust him, will I learn to trust him ? " The answer is, alas, no. As YCBS remarked too, " the way you get them is the way you lose them ". He was married when he decided you were enough stimulation to make him cheat. You have to hope that he does not meet someone who sounds more stimulating / exciting / new; if he does , he will jump ship as he did so easily and casually already.
Now, probably he will never meet such a person; in this , odds are in your favour, anyway, because older married males aren't very sellable on the dating market and would certainly not be first pick for most women . Yet, I can see why it is difficult for you to just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride . Which is in fact, the only sensible thing you can do, if you do not want to leave him. Who knows if it will be a short ride, or a medium one, or a forever one. But if you cannot stay in the moment, and enjoy the here and now ,in fear of what tomorrow will bring- well, then there's no much point altogether in staying in this relationship, is there ? , unless you enjoy feeling miserable all the time !
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 July 2019):
 There is good reason people say "get them by cheating, lose them to cheating". He tells you he will never hurt you; I bet he said that to his ex as well at some point.
It is quite possible he will NEVER cheat on you. On the other hand, he may cheat on you tomorrow. You feel you led him astray. You may have contributed but he was not helpless. You are both now paying the price for what you did to his ex. My mother always used to say, "you can't build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness".
I doubt there is anything anyone can say which will put your mind at rest or resolve this for you. If YOU could lead he astray, there will always be another woman who can do the same. You have no control over that AT ALL. If you want to stay in this relationship (which you obviously do), then you must learn how to control your feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Good luck.
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