A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I am 29 years old and have been married for 5 years. My husband and I have been together since we were young teens. I never thought he could hurt me but I was away on holiday with my friend and we came home early, when i returned I walked in on him giving my other best friend oral. I stormed off crying and he started ringing my phone. He text me and told me this has never happened before and he got carried away because my friend told him she had never had that done to her before and that i told her he was amazing at it. He said she came over with drink and he was very drunk. He said she asked him to lick her so he did to show her what is was like. He said he is so sorry and wants to get back with me but I cant get that imagine out my head. She was sitting on his face and I dont think I could forget or forgive that. Could we recover from this because he didnt have full sex with her or should I move on? Its been 16 years of my life and I dont know what to do now.
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best friend, drunk, move on, on holiday, oral sex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2019): Leave and cut both them off your life. Never return. Please don't look back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2019): I am so sorry my heart goes out to you.You need to dump both of them.Your husband lies.This more than not has been going on for a while.All he cares about is his penis.Not a smart man at all.You are so much a better person than him.In time it will hurt less and then you can find a man who loves only you and not just his penis.As for your ex friend...She was never your friend because all she is is a homewreacker slut.She never was a friend .Real friends do not do that.You can make it though this you are strong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2019): If she was going cowgirl on his face it wasn't her first rodeo. But it's third degree cheating. Forgive and forget, but get him to admit 'never had oral' story was bullshit.
I caught my wife giving her girlfriend like guy buddy, Bob, oral. I was such a good sport about it, they still don't know I watched them from the window. A little pissed and relieved they weren't going all in. But we're in our 40's, you tend to build up an infidelity tolerance level with age. I was no saint throughout our marriage. Bob takes her to the movies because I don't. So I blame myself a little. "I was away on holiday with my friend.."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2019): I can't imagine anything more painful or humiliating than what you've just experienced! Both of them made a fool out of you! Now take your power back. And do not allow them to keep making a fool out of you. You won't ever be able to trust him again. He will do it again! He's proven that! And with your bf? They are both disgusting! It's time to take the trash out & never look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2019): N91, most times I agree with your posts, but what a hurtful thing to say to a women, whose life just self destructed, right in front of her eyes! Every anonymous post has the possibility being a troll, but is this not a place where we take people at their word, and not make kind of sort of accusations against a victim? Her husband has wrecked her life, then her genuiness and her character are called into question, when she asks for a helping hand! I believe her totally, and she is married to a cheating self centered prick! OP, I hope that you realise that this is not the first time that he cheated on you. The first time cheater would be nervous, and take precautions like meeting elsewhere, not drunk, eating your good friends pussy, right in your own home! Divorce him on grounds of adultry! It will be hard, but he had his tongue and lips on and inside her. Each time you kiss him, that image will flash before your eyes! Be thankful that you caught him, while you are young enough to make a new life! Bless You!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): I know what it is to walk-in on your partner cheating on you. It was awful, and it took what seems forever to get that visual out of my head. We were also five years into our relationship; and we met some young punk at a friend's party.
I caught them going at it on my expensive linen sheets...on OUR bed!!! He was not my husband, gays couldn't marry back then; but we had known each other since we were 17! We were both around 23! I threw that punk out into the hallway buck naked, and tossed his stupid clothes after him! We were six floors up; I wanted to toss them both from the window!!! Being so young, I was willing to forgive him back then; but it took quite awhile for him to win back my trust.
He did win back my trust, and he went totally out of his way to do so. I never doubted how much he loved me. That was very well-established. I wasn't naive then, nor am I now. That all depended on his character, the fact that it was the first and only time (that I knew of); and our history had proven there was love between us beyond any shadow of a doubt. We were together another 23 years thereafter.
Knowing what I know now, and had he done that to me later-on in our 28-year relationship; I would have left him. I would still forgive him; but my maturity and low tolerance for lame-excuses will not allow for betrayal of that magnitude anymore.
I can't truly say I have a scorched-earth policy; but I just won't abide by cheating. Any excuse or explanation as to why he did it could only infuriate me. Trust is valuable, and I know anyone can make a mistake. That's why I can forgive. I just won't stay with that person. If I cheated, I would not blame him for leaving me. I'd own it, and accept the consequences. Given another chance, I would love him all the more; and earning back that trust would become a lifelong-effort. I would make it worth it!
If you decide to forgive him; that will all depend on your capacity to forgive and move-on.
It takes time, but time is a major-factor. How emotionally-traumatized you are is another very important factor. These essential-factors determine whether your forgiveness and recovery will come in enough time, and in sufficient fullness, to the degree your marriage will be able to endure it.
Let's talk about the reality of this. Scorn and vindication are emotions difficult to get-over or bypass. Your feelings may change and fluctuate from day to day. Too many things trigger flashbacks and visual-replays of that incident. I'm speaking from experience here! He has to be up to the task, and a man of true honor and commitment to his marriage. He has to love you with all his heart! There is no room for doubt here.
I managed that once, but for the sake of principle; I don't intend to experience that again. I am happy, I have someone I love; and it's as good as it gets. He has been cheated on several times by exes; but he never developed trust-issues. He is a very strong person, and values trust like nobody else I know. We don't live in fear or doubt. Experience and trust is the key to our longevity and success. My previous partner died of cancer years ago; but I love him to this day. He successfully won back my heart and trust. He was a wonderful and extraordinary person; and he deserved another chance. I don't regret it.
If you will never trust him again, you can't move past what you saw, and if you were hurt too deeply; then you shouldn't put him through the punishment of trying to regain your trust. If you think you will always keep forgiveness and trust out of reach, just to get even. You'll hurt yourself.
If you plan to keep him for appearances; or because you can't bear the though of him with another woman. Then you will become spiteful, resentful, embittered, and constantly suspicious. He will not take it for too long; and he will leave you of his own choice. He won't tolerate it.
His excuses you described make me cringe. They come across so weak, and the lameness is insulting to the intelligence. I can't sense the remorse or any guilt behind it.
You have to judge him by your history together, the strength of his character, his sincerity and effort to regain your trust; and you have to judge by your own strength. If you're not strong enough, don't torture yourself.
My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how it feels; but it's even worse because you both took vows between you. Now that's another factor to take into consideration. How sincere was he about being faithful and forsaking all others?
He wanted to show her how it feels? I guess he wanted to show you how it feels to get your heart ripped from your chest!!! How it feels to be completely and utterly humiliated! Trust me, I know that feeling too! If it happened to me again, I would certainly survive it. I just wouldn't remain with anyone that clumsy and unappreciative of my love and trust. That's just me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): As soon as you're out of town he's sitting on your friend's face. And you're thinking of trying to forgive him?
I'd say that ship has sailed. How would you feel having sex with him ever again? He has treated you SO badly that it's difficult to think of anything he could have done that was worse.
There are SO many great guys out there and I'm sorry to say, I don't think that your husband is one of them.
Good luck for the future, whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (5 July 2019):
 Aw..OP what a terrible scene to come home to! That had to really hurt and truth be told you are right, you will probably NEVER get that out of your head. Your friend and your husband betrayed you in the worst possible way. You aren't going to forget it, and to be honest you don't have to forgive them either (although carrying around hurt/anger is not good for anyone).
You will probably never be able to trust either one of them again. I'd say adios to the two of them. You don't need people like that in your life. I had a boyfriend/best friend do this to me. I didn't walk in on them though. I wished them both the best and moved on. You deserve better darling. I know 16 years is a long time to be with someone but its never too late to start over. Be good to yourself and remember...he was cheating. Might make a difference in the divorce, not sure what the laws are where you are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2019):
 I'm with N91,
(except it's 5 years of marriage and 16 years of knowing each other)
His excuse is pathetic. JUST because no one has even given her oral doesn't mean HE had to be the one doing it, seriously!
Being DRUNK is NOT an excuse either. AT ALL. He KNEW what he was doing and thought he could get away with it.
And then there is your "friend". WHAT a piece of shit. I'd cut her off IMMEDIATELY. She can go F herself to eternity, and I certainly wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire! No forgiveness there WHAT so ever. She doesn't deserve that from you.
As for your husband, SORRY OP, but I think if you forgive and try to work through it, it will happen again. (him cheating) and YES it IS cheating. Just because his dick wasn't IN her doesn't make this OK at all.
I'd say sorry, this is over. You are still so young and can WITHOUT a doubt find a man who will treat you better.
It is VERY rare that a relationship works after something like this. It does happen, but in your case I don't think so because your husband took NO responsibility and had no remorse. This wasn't a "whoops" - this was deliberate.
I'd wish them both good luck, file for divorce and reset my life. Move on. To better things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2019): He's a liar. first off I would bet it's not the first time and second of all who cares? I'm sorry 'I did it because she never had it before' is the worst excuse. It's not even bloody trying.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 July 2019):
 This sounds like a troll to be quite honest but if it is genuine, are you being serious here?
He’s betrayed 16 years of marriage, you have caught him red handed, what is there to consider here? He is a cheat, plain and simple. To try and forgive him would leave you in a world of pain and little to no chance of ever being able to trust him again.
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