A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I am in a comiteed relationship from last 4-5 years. When i had sex with my girlfriend for the first time i knew that she is not virgin, i often used to ask but she always refused, but some time back because of my forcing she told me that she was not not a virgin and i am not able to take her with this thing. I have tried a lot, but it seems like that it is just impossible. I want to break this relationship, but she stops me do that. She says that she is true to me, but i doubt that she lies. She has been very good with me and has always been there but it is so difficult for me to take her with her past. She do lot of things for me which makes me turn back to her but at the end of the day her past dominates my thought. I have gone so much mad. I have become so weak that sometimes i just feel to end myself. I need to tell my preference for my marriage in some time to my family, but i am so confused. I was never so weak. Please help me take a decision.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 March 2011):
After four years of relationship, I would recommend you to try to solve your moral issues and ghosts. Because letting her go won't make you any happier. But it will be a hard trip and you have to know that from the start. Within five years you won't feel as sad as you feel now about this. But you will still remember it.
Those who tell you her past is none of your business are being hypocrite. They know a lot about their partners past and they don't doubt in judging them for that. Of course anyone's past is number one concern of our partners, because the past tell us who we are.
When you look in her past you can see the good and the bad (from your point of view). And you feel now like you waited for the right person to have your first time with. But she didn't, she do it with someone before. Well, she thought that guy was the right person then. And, since she's with you now, she probably thinks she made a mistake. But there is nothing she can do about it.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. This is something you have to go through and, if you make it to the other end and your relationship survives it, then you will know that your relationship is worth it.
A
male
reader, uncle bob  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Maybe the reason she didn't tell you is because her life before you, is none of your damned business.
Or maybe she's ashamed of her past. Either way, if this little omission is such a big thing to you, then break it off now. It sounds like you don't deserve her anyway!
Hell, you even admitted to using force to get her to tell you. That just speaks volumes about the type of guy you really are!
Sounds to me like your going to be a very lonely man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you dear for your reply, it has certainly helped me get some peace in myself. i will certainly work on it in a practical way and try to solve the things in a positive way and as soon as possible.
as this thing is imp as i was a virgin and she was not, might be this is bothering me most.
dear even i want to make her happy and smile as that thing makes me happy, but with the passage of time all these things have become so heavy.
waiting for your reply.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): If a girl's virginity is important to him, then when SHOULD he ask? Not after things are already serious. Then he's too involved to break up without a lot of pain on both sides. That's not a good way to do it. The only time he can ask is right at the start. She doesn't have to answer but he should ask if it is important to him. If she doesn't answer then he can assume the worst and not get involved with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): You are better off breaking this relationship. Not because that she is not a virgin or she lied to you about it. It seems like you were obsessed dating a "pure girl", you also pressed here early on in the relationship about her virginity. You have to be true to yourself, or else you will be in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): "She never lied, she just omitted the truth!"
Oh man. I hope I never end up with anyone who has such a manipulative and self-serving view on life.
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A
male
reader, free advice  +, writes (8 March 2011):
How did you realize that she was not a virgin? Do you have experience in the past? Were you a virgin before this? What if she did not admit that she lost her virginity? What is past is past, and live and love on what you got. What if she was a virgin and she does not love you? Take the worries off your mind and get along happily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): My brother take time and don't hurry into anything serious if you not sure as to whether you will be able to live with her past. I've done it and is still grappling with the past but in saying that I'm not implying your gf is bad news. All I'm saying is this: If you not sure that you will cope with it, leave her for someone else who will accept and love her, just don't put her through a life of regrets. I know coz I've been doin that to my wife. Tks to this column I'm ready, or I think I'm ready to deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (8 March 2011):
I totally disagree with Annalisa.
Your girlfriend should have faced the fact that you wanted to know if she was a virgin. By not telling you, she denied you the chance to choose a different partner. You have the right to choose your girlfriend according to your own set of values.
I'm sure your girlfriend didn't do this to hurt you. She made a mistake, a big one, and she will probably learn this the hard way. Now you feel both betrayed and morally hurt. Because there is a moral component in your anger, let's face it. You don't approve what she did in the past. And you are probably jealous of her past boyfriends too.
What to do? Well. If this is the only thing she lied about and the only big problem you have with her. I will recommend you trying to solve your moral issue and stay with her. You have to realize that the anger you feel now is caused by the love you have for her. If you were not in love, you would just have sex with her and then dump her. And you are not thinking about that. Which is a sign of you loving. At the same time it is possible that your love for her will be damaged for ever if you can't manage your mind to get rid of these thoughts you must be having right now. And in order to do so, you better get professional help. If you find yourself thinking about this all day long, you will need professional help.
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A
male
reader, The Gentle Man  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Your insecurities, your problem. Its harsh but ultimately she has done nothing wrong and you are just eating at yourself for no reason.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (8 March 2011):
I think as long as u guys love eachother that's all that matters. When she lost her virginity she didn't know who u were she didn't know it was gonna upset u. So I'm pretty sure if she didn't do it to make u upset. That's why they say leave the past in the past. Trust me the way some of the girls r these days u should be happy to even have a good girl. Don't ruin a good thing because of something like that. You will regret it. As long as she did come clean that's all that matters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): You created this situation, not your girlfriend.
You forced her to tell you, you don't like the answer, and now you want to punish her ... are you kidding me? Your jealousy has turned around and now it's biting you back!
Were you a virgin when the two of you got together?
You acknowledge your girlfriend's many good points and, frankly, I think she's far too good for you.
Now that you have planted this seed of doubt in your own mind, it will never give you peace. Sadly, I think to marry this poor girl (for she is the victim here!) would do neither of you any good.
You cannot trust, you would continually seek to punish, and she would have a life of misery.
Leave her in peace to get on with her life, and, when next you seek a wife, keep your imagination in check and your jealous thoughts to yourself. You need to do a lot of maturing before you consider marriage to anyone.
I wish you, but more especially your girlfriend, a happy, healthy and peaceful life.
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