A
male
age
41-50,
*lick
writes:What do you think it goes on in the mind of a 33 years old woman with a kid who I have been with for 7 years when she cheats on you once and you forgave her and then 2 years later you find out she is cheating again and even more she goes out blows some guys almost every night and come back home an hour later and I find txt messages saying how much she loved sucking him and so on!!!!! And she flirts with anyone all the time in person, online via phone....like desperate for attentions.We just broke up as soon as I found out but I am really spellbound, appalled and worried by such behaviour.She has very little self esteem and loves the attention and compliments she gets when she blows or flirts with someone.Even if we broke up I would like to put an end to this has we have a 3 year old and this will effect her I am sure.Any advices?
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male
reader, ulick +, writes (12 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the question I needed proofs of the past cheating while we where together. Just to lay things down in peace.Now that I snooped around and have proofs I am relieved and I now have no seconds thoughts on the issue.There is no other sure way to find out if your partner keeps denying. And now I wont have to second guess myself for the rest of my life wether I was right or wrong! In situations like this, snooping, really clears everything up.Who she sleeps with now and for the future I truly do not care.I am bitter? YES, I gave her a second chance and she threw it away. I made a lot of efforts to adjust and keep the family together.If she wanted to sleep with someone else she had to first break it up, not sneak around.The fact that we are not married is a joke issue. Maybe legally it counts in this silly country, but not as a human been.My issue still stands, I need her to behave for the good of our kid and to clear out of the house.And one way of the other I will get both.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 June 2012):
 You don't need proof because you can't ask for divorce with imputation of adultery- you can't divorce because you are not married.
As for " cheating " , you are broken up, so she is not cheating on anybody. Even if you were together, there's nothing you could do about legally. You could dump her, at most- but you did that already !
OP, you just can't wrap your head around the fact that you can't prevent, stop or influence another adult's sex life. If you don't like what she does - tough luck. Move out, or ask her to move out , at least you won't have to smell her :) , and choose a better partner next time.
Of course you could involve the Social Services and consequently the Tribunal of Minors if you had evidence
that your ex's sexual behaviour is directly or might directly cause child endangerment, child neglect, or child abuse. Like, if she would go away for days on sexual binges leaving the child unattended. Or if she would perform sexual acts in presence of her child. Crazy shit like that.
But, simply being horny is not a crime, neither in Italy nor, as far as I know, in any other Western ,civilized country. Go tell the judge that you want your ex to be declared an unfit parent because she writes erotic texts to her lover, or because in future, who knows, " people may talk ". He would laugh you out of Court, - if he just does not require YOU to be submitted to Mandatory Psychiatric Evaluation.
To be bluntly honest, OP, I feel that your concern about your child is simply a red harring. You are just ( understandably ) humiliated and jealous , and you'd like to retaliate somehow. Your ex , to say it with a popular Italian expression , " put a nice pair of horns on your forehead " , and these horns are itching badly, that's all.
If I am wrong, and you are just concerned about your child's wellbeing, well, OP, one can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Maybe you need to be diplomatic about that. Sit her down calmly, tell her that even if not together anymore, you assume you BOTH want the best for your child, recommend her some discretion in her behaviour, remind her that's always a good idea to keep children uninvolved in their parents' sex life, whether marital or extramarital, monogamous or promiscuos. Ask her to make sure that ,whatever she does, the child has zero or minimal exposure to her business, insofar they are PRIVATE business , not insofar you have any right to tell her who she can or cannot blow. And tell her to wash her hair more often :).
If she gets that all you care is to make sure that your child is safe, happy and well cared for, and not that she does not get to do what she wants , I am sure she will see your point and avoid to flaunt her adventures ( which she is not actually flaunting ,though, I guess ; otherwise you would not need to snoop and spy ).
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (11 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell if I don't snoop around how can I get proof of the chaeting if she does not confess????
Anyway I am not interested in her sexual behaviour, unless they effect my child and reading text messages where she sais she still has some smelly sperm in her hair, while in bed whith my kid makes me really angry and worried.
I feel legitimate in my pursue.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 June 2012):
OP, what are you talking about ?! Of course in Italy you CAN ask for divorce due to cheating : it will be a judicial separation " con addebito di colpa " ( imputation of fault ) , i.e. the judge will assess if the obligations coming from legal marriage ( of which faithfullness is one ) have been actually violated, and if this violation is the real cause of the digregation of the marriage,
In other words : you must bring proofs of the adultery , hearsays won't be enough AND , most importantly, you can't, say, have been fighting and bickering and beating each other up for the last 5 years, then she cheats and, oops, marriage over, it's her fault.
Even if the judges states that there HAS been a violation of coniugal obligations ,actually leading to the break up of marriage , though,true , there's no way to take the child away from her mother and have sole custody assigned to you Just because one is a lousy wife ( or an avid blowjobber) it does not mean she is an unfit parent.
Any judge, as the other poster say, would heartily laugh in your face , in Italy and in most of the world, at your demand to stop or control your EX 's sex life, and would tell you to mind your own business. You have no title whatsoever to dictate the sexual conduct of another adult, to whom you are not even married ( Unless of course you could prove that this is DIRECTLY affecting your child's wellfare - if your ex were performing sexual acts under the child's eyes and crazy stuff like that ).
Your brand of ethic is more practiced and practicable in countries where religious laws are enforced. In a laical country, ethic also means respect of individual freedoms- as a matter of fact , I would advise you to stop snopping in your ex's phone and spying on her, if she catches you she could quite possibly press charges for violation of privacy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): Even in my country saying that you think the mother of your child is sleeping around would not be a valid excuse. The judge would tell you to mind your buisiness. Even though I feel as though it is very much so your buisiness seeing as it could give your child psycological issues. When it's your turn to have your daughter take her out fishing or something that could show her the simple things in life are funner.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (7 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately in this country, italy, the kid stays with the mother what ever. Cheating is not a good legal reason for asking for divorce! We have a very very bad legal system in a very very unethic country.
Anyway I found all this out because a friend of mine told that a dude was telling around about having this slut coming anytime he txted her over for pleasuring him and other nasty stuff.
So I told her about it, to pls at least hang with more decent people that don't bad mouth you and that at least respect you!
I got a sneak peak at her mobile and she still sees this dude like nothing has happend!
Whats wrong with her? This guy has no respect for her, publicly humiliates her and she does not mind whats so ever? She did not even broght up the issue with him!
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 I am so so sorry, I wish I could help, but I have no clue what goes on in her head. I hate cheaters of all kinds!!! I am so so sorry you have had to put up with this!
What if your argument in court was "I fear for the safety of my child, I do not know which men are being permitted into the house, and I would like to protect him from the possibility of harm because of all the strangers frequenting his home"
What if you also argued lack of stability?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012): It's not that she doesn't love you, she doesn't give a damn about herself though which will have some impact on your daughter. Take it from me my father slept with hookers and was an addict and it affected me I became an addict I quit though. So please try and get your daughter away and tell your ex to change before she does something she may regret someday. If she doesn't want to change there is nothing you can do. She will need to hit rock bottom.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (6 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks agneeman for your answer. Unfortunately you can't get custody if you ex cheated on you or is sleeping around. I think.Even if it puts the kid health in danger, if her mom gets some STD and transmits it, or even if parent talk talk about it and avoid my kid.I need to some how contain the issue unfortunately for my kid and I need advice from women to what might be going on in a woman head when she behaves like that!
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A
female
reader, agneeman +, writes (6 June 2012):
Whatever her reason, you can't stop her. Maybe she has been abused and is acting out the abusive behaviour, maybe she has low self esteem, doesn't think she's attractive and does it to prive herself wrong. Maybe she's been cheated in the past and wanted to make sure she doesn't fall short again. Maybe she has PK (preachers kid) syndrome, and only has fun when stealing it.Who cares what her reasons are? The main thing is, you got rid of her, thank God. You focus on healing because you don't deserve this.... (I hope?)If you are worried about the child, get custody.
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A
male
reader, ulick +, writes (6 June 2012):
ulick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks sweet things for you answer. I am sure she does not get paid in money, but she probably gets a lot of compliments and attentions from the guys (really!) that make her feel reasurred and better as she is very insecure and has a really low self esteem.
I need to figure out a way for her to stop, or to just see one decent guy, as some of these dudes talk around and these talks have got back to me, which is bad but ok, but they might go around to my sons friends parents and that will effect his relationships.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Wow! Either she's having a major mid-life crisis, or she has been doing this all along and you just found out, therefore it seems like a new problem. Could she be a sex addict? Does she get paid for these acts? (Don't laugh, I've heard of it.) The bottom line is this, she has fallen out of love or is just not that into you, however painful that may be you are wasting your time to continue being with her. You've obviously confronted her, broken up with her and it hasn't changed a thing. I think the relationship has expired like a carton of bad milk in her eyes and you deserve more than coming home to a carton of sour milk. Unless she plans to attend couples counseling and wants to work on the relationship you have no choice but to get out.
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