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male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend (26) and I (24) have been going out for 4 months. The affection is horrible!!! I am frustrated and very openly venting to all of you as I really wouldn’t otherwise and I am really looking for some help if my perception of this is completely messed up and skewed. Please tell me how you see this!I show a lot of affection. My girlfriend says she absolutely loves this about me, that it feels amazing, that she feels like she’s melting in my arms… so why doesn’t she reciprocate???!!! I really like and respond to physical touch and I’m being really patient about this. There is a huge imbalance. I’m always mindful over her comfort level, I’ve never touched her erogenous zones and crossed any comfort lines that would cause any tension in her muscles under my finger tips – I let her set the pace and keep things slow but nothing is happening! We’ve been giving each other “pecks” on the lips for too long! I want a kiss! A REAL kiss! If I linger a little longer she breaks it off early to continue the staccato stream of kisses, if I lightly suck her bottom lip or very lightly tease it with my tongue, her lips hardly encourage me to continue or reciprocate so I regress back to the pecks she seems to like so much :-( Communication on this point is absolutely dismal. I ask her with a smile how she likes to be kissed and she says it’s an odd question to ask, provides no insight and finally tells me that she simply likes the way I kiss her. When I ask her again she gets quietly frustrated (as if I was insinuating that our kisses were lacking) so I NEVER broached this topic again. The truth is that the kisses are lacking, the hugs are lacking, the physical affection is lacking. I would love even a fraction of the affection I’ve been giving her. I have scores of nerves endings on my skin crying out in frustration when we’re together and it’s making me delirious. Does she not want to touch me. Am I repulsive??? What the point of telling me how hot I am if she’s not going to touch me??? Massage my shoulders, sweep your hands across my back, trace your fingernails along the muscles of my thighs, grab my bum, do something! You know exactly how because you’ve felt my hands on even inch of your skin countless time.Then we go to movie theatre and – very random and unprecedented - she decides she wants the side of my neck for dinner. Despite how extremely awkward it is to feel like I’m back in middle school necking in a movie theatre and obviously disturbing our neighbours I decided “F*** it!” I couldn’t care less about anything around us and I reciprocate because there’s no way I’m going to discourage her now! On another recent occasion, she shoves her whole tongue into my ear (gross!). These things really turn me off, it’s not the kind of affection I’ve been craving, but at least it’s change and I’ve been craving change for so long.I may be wrong but I presume she’s much more experienced than me because (1) I’m really not that experienced; and (2) She is older than me, charming, gorgeous, competitive dancer and runway/photo model etc…She always tells me how much she likes me but I don’t hear it with her lips and fingers… I’m starting to doubt it and it’s making me sad. It’s not a topic I want to bring up with her. I’m sad.What is going on? What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your follow-up comments. I really appreciate you coming back to offer your kind help.
@tennisstar88: I cringe to think of such a thing and I sure hope she’s never been abused. I doubt it.
I think she does have dating experience but I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe this is different from “intimacy experience”??? I have come to appreciate that she had a long-term boyfriend before we started dating and maybe a different one before that but I don’t probe when it comes to past relationships. It’s just that sometimes she speaks of a “friend” and I can’t help but conclude that she’s actually talking about her ex. I don’t know and to be fair, her past is none of my business but I’m very confused, so I try to make sense of it from what little I know because I’m extremely hesitant to talk to her about it openly (where the most I can pull from her lips are cryptic answers: such as “Let’s just say that I’m very, very slow when it comes to that and leave it at that” – I have no idea what that means. Is she actually “very slow” and I’ve been moving too fast? Is it a cryptic way of saying I don’t want to do anything intimate before marriage and I don’t know how to tell you this because I’m afraid you’ll judge me. Is “very very slow” a way of saying “I’m a virgin, I’ve never done this before and I’m scared”? Is it “I’ve trusted other men in the past and I don’t know if I trust you”? It can’t be all of these because each is a very different line. I have no idea what she’s telling me and where we are). Maybe she was intimate with her past boyfriends and doesn’t want to with me?
I do see a future with her. This is by far the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I have NEVER met anyone as wonderful as her. To be blunt about it, I feel like we’ve taken several steps back now. I’m back to pecking her on the lips and cautiously keeping my hands away from any erogenous zone because if there is a line, I don’t have the faintest idea what it is. To give it one word, I would describe it as “cold”. I feel very cold next to her.
@ Dorothy Dix: You have a very good point. I can appreciate all the fears that arise out of intimacy. I really, really wish we could talk about it openly but her whole body language changes when we near the topic and she gets very uncomfortable when she talks. I don’t know how to put her at ease aside from avoiding the topic.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 January 2011):
Hello again. I just had an interesting thought.
I am wondering whether her personal and religious beliefs are, that in a relationship, she wants to do things the old fashioned way, and not have sex until she is legally married.
It does make sense, doesn't it?
Even though she might not say it in so many words, it might well be what she really wants to do.
And if this is the case, she might display some affection but won't allow herself to go too far, just in case she ends up having sex and possibly getting herself pregnant.
She also doesn't want a relationship to end badly and get herself hurt - all because of having sex.
It's highly likely that this is what is going on in her mind.
If your relationship is becoming more serious, then things might change once you pop the question of marriage - that is supposing you are thinking along those lines.
Perhaps the next time you talk, you could ask her about what she thinks about marriage, children etc., and see what she says.
She might think that if she did allow herself to have sex with you, that you might never see her again and just disappear out of her life.
Some men do leave once there is no longer a challenge. I'm not saying that that's what you would do, but some men do that. So that's something that would make her wary of having sex. She might need to build more trust in you, and if she can do that, things might change over time for the better.
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reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Hmmm sex is a taboo at her age. Now, I'm wondering if (god forbid) she was ever raped, or sexually abused when she was much younger? That would explain her lack of dating experience and being so against sex. In which the only way to overcome that would be some therapy. And that will take some time. Or she could very well be holding out till marriage for sex. I do know of Christians who "mess around". If that's the case then you will have to respect that's who she is. Do you see a future with this woman?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your advice!
@tennisstar88: I had never thought about the possibility of her not having experience until you suggested it. Thank you. I have displayed affection and showed her what I like and she has been responsive lately. No, we have not had sex. Communication is great for all areas except intimacy and her beliefs regarding superstitions, astrology and religion.
@Dorothy Dix: We get along splendidly and I feel I have a great rapport with her! We have similar interest and life values but I should add that she is superstitious whereas I am not. Also, she is religious whereas I am an atheist. Our “conversation” about this was a lot like me playing the question game so I stopped after a while. She describes herself as “fairly religious” and goes to church every week. Her mother is religious and her father is an atheist.
Conversation is more difficult when it comes to the topic of intimacy (sex is never mentioned). We have never talked about sex (but see update below). I would like to talk about it openly but it appears to be a taboo subject and she gets EXTREMELY uncomfortable, so I don’t.
Also, as I have mention, she brings up the topic of religion but remains guarded in her responses, quickly asking me “Are you judging me now?” so we never reach any depth on this front. I have told her I respect her beliefs. She also knows that I respect my parents’ (religious) beliefs and I accompany them to mass when it is important to them.
@glassblower & Shugarr: Thank you for your input. I am on cloud 9 when I’m with her and I hope this is just a detail or hurdle that can be overcome.
@defeated: You may very well be right but I have always preferred to address things openly.
UPDATE:
Last week, during a long and heavy make out session in our underwear, my caresses eventually swept down from her nipples to her pussy. She slowly moved away, told me she didn’t want me to touch her there and quietly went home. She didn’t want to talk about it and indeed she did not talk to me for the next 2 days until I caught her on the phone one evening. I asked her if she was mad and she said “Do you think I have a reason to be mad?” She sounded VERY uncomfortable (and maybe a little scared regarding that night) and after I talked and talked about what I thought she was thinking and feeling (because she didn’t want to talk) she asked me “Are you someone who falls into love or lust quickly?” “What do you need out of a relationship?” … “Ok, but what about touching you? That’s something you can take care of yourself. Right?”
I am grateful that I now have some understanding of her point of view but I am a bit lost (I have never been in relationship with so little intimacy) and weary of trying to open up this discussion again.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (23 October 2010):
Interesting usually it's the other way around..Well it looks like she makes small attempts..However I think you're wrong in her having experience, looks are deceiving. You don't like the affection she attempts but you'll take what you can get because it's better than none. So how about showing her what you like? Every guy is different, I think what she is trying worked for one guy..But she doesn't understand what works for the goose doesn't necessarily work the gander. Again proof of lack of dating experience. 26 you should know how to kiss, now unless she's not trying to muss her lipstick for her photo shoot, pecking is all she knows how to do. So the next time she tries to shove her tongue in your ear (I hate that too, had to break my husband of that when we started dating) pull back a little, and say "Honey, I'd like it much better if you nibbled on my ear." When she starts to nibble your neck, put her head down to rest on your shoulder, tell her that's more appropriate for the theater..The kissing, you're going to have to go out on a limb and make it more passionate..Kissing her neck, nibble her ear, turn her on, then go in for that steamy kiss. Have you guys had sex yet? If you want affection, you're going to have to go and display it for her. Cuddle her, hold her hand in public, in the movies..She her how it's done. And lastly, let her know that actions speak louder than words, there's got to be communication in your relationship, buddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): awwww,
I don't know sweetie really what to say. Maybe you are really way more into her than she is into you......(not meaning to hurt your feelings) It would hurt mine too, if I gave all this wonderful affection and just wanted a tiny bit back. ???? Maybe your not meant to be. Kissing is very important thing in a relationship, very much so. You two, just might not be meant for one and other. You should not let this affect your self-esteem........It's very much her, n' not you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): This requires a lot of talk, and since she is a "model", she probably has low self esteem and body image issues.
You really need to talk in depth, and see what lies beneath this.
Sorry, but it takes a lot of courage, she may not be able to talk about it, and you may not be able to do so either.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (22 October 2010):
Hi there. You have been together for 4 months now, you say.
Apart from the physical side of things, how do you both get along together? Do you feel you have a pretty good rapport with her? Do you have similar interests, opinions, life values? Can you have a general conversation with her without disagreeing constantly? I'm assuming that you can, otherwise it wouldn't have lasted this long, surely. Also, do you really listen intently when the other speaks?
You refer to her as your girlfriend, so the pair of you aren't seeing anyone else - is that true?
But the affection (by her), is horrible - your words.
As you haven't mentioned it, I assume you haven't actually talked to her about everything. Only the question of does she like the way you were kissing her - at that time.
What really needs to happen now, is you do need to tell her that you are concerned by her approach to giving affection, and that it causes you to have doubts as to her real feelings towards you. In a manner of speaking, that's kind of it in a nutshell.
You won't become emotionally close to each other, until you are fully intimate with her (sex). Although as yet, she hasn't given you enough encouragement to show you she is ready for that.
You don't know this yet probably, but it is possible that she is a virgin still, OR she is pacing herself for the moment, so that you both get to know each properly first, before she decides to go further with you.
If the latter part is true - the waiting - this might be the way she approaches new relationships, rather than to just jump into bed from the first date. That way, if she is waiting for the right time, so she knows that you respect her and treat her well, when she is sure - she will have no doubts at all. Because when the time is right for her, she will be at peace with that decision.
However in the meantime, you do have to let her know when something she does irks you (the licking inside your ear). Rather than tolerate it, just say - "I don't like it when you do that." Or, just pull your head away from her, or put your hand over your ear - so she stops. Probably the second option is the better one, then she won't become offended.
The longer you leave it to say something (about the ear licking), the harder it will seem to do so. Because she might say - "Why didn't you say something sooner?" So sooner is better than later.
In fact from now on, with any displays by her of affection, if there is anything she does that you don't like, just pull away or move her hand away (or whatever), and say you don't like it - or it hurts.
The most important thing to remember is to always be honest with her, as any good relationship has to be based on complete honesty and trust. It's important.
All the more reason to talk about the affection issue.
You could say something like - "There's something that's worrying me. We have been seeing each other now for 4 months, and you have been showing me very little affection. Well some affection yes, but it's very much out of balance with what affection I give to you. Is there anything wrong? Is anything on your mind? Have I done anything wrong to upset you?"
Not exactly these words, but you get the general idea.
What you are doing is being completely open and honest with her, and she then has an opening to be honest with you in return. Once you bring up the subject, the rest is easy.
And remember, don't get angry or upset when you do talk about it, stay calm, be positive and supportive, and be loving and respectful always. This makes the other person feel good about themselves and they will know you are not just picking on them. By behaving in this way, you will have a much more positive outcome. Also be considerate of her feelings as you talk.
Remember you can say anything, but it's not what you say but how you say it - that really counts.
What often happens in relationships is, so much simply doesn't get said. People think that if they say something, the other will think they are complaining or criticizing. This couldn't be further from the truth.
All issues do need to get discussed, otherwise they fester inside. That spells disaster, because it becomes resentment - especially if it never sees the light of day.
Your girlfriend probably doesn't see there's a problem - because you haven't said anything (about the affection issue). So she just continues in the same way, believing everything is ok.
The truth is you do have an issue with it. The longer you leave it, the more resentful you will become and that's starting to happen now, isn't it?
So please, talk about it as soon as you can. Once you do, you will than at least have an understanding of why it's happening, and you can continue from there.
To have this discussion, will truly bring you peace and happiness.
Good luck and best wishes.
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reader, angry mad black girl +, writes (22 October 2010):
 i know exactly how you you feel i have been experiencing the same thing with my boyfriend for the past month now. see we were in a long distance relationship, i couldn't take it no more so i moved in with him. being here with him is as if am all up in his space, first time, he would send me texts and tell me how much he loves me, when we were far apart and know we are together its as if he doesn't care. to be honest writer i think your girl has someone else, just like how i know my bf has someone else. if she really loves you, she should be appreciative of all the stuff you have been doing for her. my situation is getting to me i feel as if am gonna go back home and give him his space , when someone has a good man or woman their life , they don't know until they lose it. am sick and tired i want someone to love me the same way i do. sorry to be taken all my frustration out, but i know, what u re going through.
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reader, glassblower +, writes (22 October 2010):
 The only way she's going to know how you feel is if you talk to her about it. That is really strange but if you're unhappy and she is unable to reciprocate your affections, you should end the relationship. Best of luck! xoxo glassblower
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): It sounds to me like she has a low self esteem. Try talking to her. Does she know how her action are making you feel? If she can't meet you half way then perhaps it's time to end it.
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female
reader, Shugarr  +, writes (22 October 2010):
there is no way you are gonna solve your problem if you cannot bring up the topic with her..
Her character is actually weird and I suggest you ask her why she acts the way she does coz right now, you really dont understand anything and just an answer from her could change things..
and if you are getting frustrated in a relationship that was meant to give you comfort, I think you should end it(that is if the problem cannot be solved)
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reader, defeated +, writes (22 October 2010):
dont do anything, if she wants it let her come and get it or ask for it, do the whole hard to get thing
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