A
male
age
41-50,
*eykis101
writes:I have been in a ten year relationship, a month ago my girlfriend told me she had developed strong feelings for her boss, he makes her have butterflies and all that stuff, she hasnt dared to tell him, but found out it was mutual, I told her to make a decision since 3 people in a relationship(at least mine)is too many, she decided 10 years was to long to just throw it away, so we decided to work things out, but these feelings of infatuation have yet to cease, you can imagine how low and degraded this makes me feel. I understand what she sees in him, and I am less than perfect, but I do know when this happens it's generally something she is lacking, and im trying to make right and fill the void, but one night last week, when I was fed up, I told her maybe she needed to explore it, she jumped at the chance, of course I was telling her that figuring she'd say no, this drove me even more into a hole, I'd just like some practical opinions, I have a daughter with her, and we do love each other and get along, but I wasnt always the nicest guy to her in the beginning and she throws that in my face all the time, not abusive or anything, I have a tendancy to get irritated with things and not be very nice sometimes, struggling with the fact she likes him, and she really, really likes him, is really messing with me.Id be devastated to be apart from her, but all this confusion and hurt in my mind has slowly started to make me feel numb, almost like my brains withdrawing feelings for her to protect itself, she really acts like she is trying with me, but I have a difficult time knowing my girl is hot for her boss! so im turning to people that maybe have more experience then I. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (20 December 2015):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello everyone,its been 6 years, I pulled some very immature shit going through this breakup, I'd never felt the type of pain I felt during this, but she got a big promotion I'm her job, and almost acts like she's better then me, this truly ruined me, I didn't know how to handle any of these feelings, think it's safe to say I lost my mind, made it well known all over social media and was banging her boss, sent him a sincere sounding message letting him no she has genital warts, threatened his life, every childish thing I could do I do, now I feel bad, but we haven't spoken in 4 years, she has zero push as far a my daughter goes, doesn't make sure we talk, won't respond to questions about her makes me go directly through my daughter to make plans, she completely changed, even after 6 years I miss her everyday that I live, I go months unable to reach my daughter, she's now 14, so that feels like lost cause #2, I truly Ned advice, because I e now gone 3 years trying to b a part of my daughters life, my daughter doesn't seem to go e a fuck if I exist or not/if I dropped dead tomorrow, my daughter would never know, this drove me to start using heroin trying to kill the pain, now lately out of nowhere, I just snapped I don't give a fuck, my brain just changed and now I'm on my way to walking away from both of them and never looking back, I lo e my daughter more then life, but its to appearantly its not. Mutual, and I'm a way it feels like I might be doing it to say e my own heart, anyone have any kind of advice, I just can't believe she turned out to be total cunt who would right me off and never speak to me again, it, incomprehensible, but this is my update,like I stated her boss humped and dumped her, I wish I didn't have feelings I'd do anything g to be able to run through people and feel absolutely nothing doing it, thanks in advance.
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male
reader, Leykis101 +, writes (7 January 2010):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I ended up doing the typical ball less thing, I tried to make it work, when I knew i shouldnt be, we broke up, and a week and a half later she nailed her boss in the back of his jeep 2 houses down from her own, (wonderful first time) but I guess im a sicko, because one of the most beautiful occurences that could happen did, the 2 years of flirting, and the cruises, and trips to the bahamas, marriage, making love on the beach, candle lite dinners, etc. that he promised her, she got banged in the back of a jeep, and he's not so much as said Hi to her since it happened, I guess im twizted, but that almost made my heart happy, and the sadness go away, does that make me a bad person? I dont care if it does!
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reader, Country Woman  +, writes (2 September 2009):
 You have been hanging on with this relationship by a thread and it just makes me feel like you have tried to do everything to save this relationship and in all honesty the amount of time you have been in this relationship i.e. 10 years is not the relevance here. This boss of her's can offer her so much more than you and yes that is all the fancy stuff you can't - it has turned her head but at the end of the day she makes a choice and it should be with her heart and not her head. If she loves you enough then she wouldn't even be interested in anyone else. However, I think it could be a matter of time before she takes the plunge and then it could be behind your back and you will NEVER know the truth. You deserve someone who is there for you and only you. This whole thing about her having someone waiting in the wings could be hard to deal with but believe me I have had to watch my ex make a new home with his ex mistress and my daughter goes to their house every other weekend which is quite a journey but I have had to bear it and I know for sure that he really doesn't want to be with this woman but he is living there for now as it is cheaper for him and he does care for her but it is not a long term thing. I will never get back with him as I was a different person when I was with him and not myself so I am so much happier to be in control of my own life and not be controlled by someone else. Give yourself some time and you will regain your inner strength and self confidence and believe me you WOULD find someone new, don't down yourself. You are currently trapped in a toxic relationship and you keep on trying to convince yourself that it is still good, unfortunately I just see it as becoming more an more sour as time goes on. We get one chance at life and what is the point of being in a relationship with 3 people instead of a one on one relationship which is the way it should be. Sorry only my thoughts but your decision at the end of the day.Just stop downing yourself eh! The more you do that the longer you will remain in a relationship that is not actually good for you. You could come out of it as good friend's instead like I am with my ex, some days I really want to strangle him but he is a brilliant dad and our daughter is so much happier now than when she was witnessing the tension and arguments so you have to consider others to, friend's and family around you. Keep us posted eh!BFNCountry Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): you do know this relationship is doomed, don't you. i think you know she will very very soon get with her boss and this will leave you out in the cold.
you may be afraid to be alone after 10 years, but man it must be worse knowing that another man is eating your peice of the cake. so what do you do ? - disengage yourself from her and go out and find someone else to spend the rest of your life with. rahetr lose 10 years than a lifetime.
trust i am not reading your situation wrong.
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (31 August 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you guys it's almost been a month, things seemed getting better as I worked away, Ive kind of broken the crust of what is going on, my girlfriend has an amazingly low esteem, it seems her boss, (who makes a helava lot more then I do) has been telling her he wants to take her to the caribean, telling her how gorgeous she is, pretty much,saying all the right things, and it's getting to her, again! I can't give her or promise her the things he is! she's never been materialistic, but I can't counter what he's doing, I tell her how beautiful and hot she is, but when your around somebody so much, it tends to not take the effect it has from someone new, and what's so bad, is im not totally sure anymore, that he just wants to nail her! but we are extremely open about things, which might not be as good as I always assumed it would be, she says she's extremely happy that im acting more like I want to be with her, instead of just treating her like she's 2nd hand goods, but she just cant change how she feels, which I understand, you can't change how you feel, weve been getting a long night and day better, but with this douche bag pursuing her so hard, I can barely see how she could concentrate on us! the problem with me telling her to quit is she is the second boss to the top at a huge company, and her boss above her, is more then likely getting the axe within a month, I don't make half of what she makes. but the boss that's pursuing her, has just been called away for a couple weeks, do I seize the time and do everything I can while he's not around to intrude? I kind of want to let her go get out of her system, but It would be more then overwhelming to me, sitting around knowing she's getting banged by someone else, I know longer feel guilty, or blame myself, but we get along so well, which feels like a negative in this situation, because we don't hate each other or play games, I just don't know how to be alone after 10 years, and I think it's also bad because, she already has someone to start seeing, where im at square one! what's you guys and girls thoughts? Grimm Reality & Country Women?
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo your very right Grimm! one thing, I wasnt showing up at her work, I was just picking her up, since I used her car to drive 100miles to where my job was(my truck get 4 mpg)she knew I was outside waiting, he didnt!! that's why it was great! but you know what Grimm? im not going to play warden, cause I had to go back to work starting last monday, I cannot worry about that shit, I don't care if she bangs her boss, cause Im just worried about not screwing up this huge Casino job my companys doing, I dont really care if she lines up the neighberhood, and let's them go one at a time! because of this, I believe her for the most part, primarily cause she's the type, that would really not want to much headache, she just prefers to be able to do what she wants, and another thing, I want to know if she's banging her boss! believe me! but I honestly don't care right this second! so she'll get sloppy if she is! because I cant be spying, and doing P.I. work on her!
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Well I will be Devil's Advocate one final time.Actions are louder than words. And her words are to be followed up by actions if she is to be believed. Ive seen this before, so dont go thinking that this is back to normal. Far from it.She cant just turn off her feelings for this guy. Its simply impossible. Many times people (cheaters especially) will tell their S.O. that the other person in the picture is "gross", disgusting", etc. in an effort to throw you off the trail.Now everything is on her 100 percent. She has no excuses now for anything. There is no use in being a prison warden for her, because if she decides to renege, she will cover it up better. But it also means that she will eventually screw up. What she did in telling you she thought you were scapegoating her is a very telling statement.And the whole work visit was not good at all. It was unnecessary, and maybe served as a brief ego boost for you, but HE is not the problem...SHE IS!If he is so "disgusting" and he is her boss, and this is going on, if she is serious about making this work she will be seeking other employment as soon as possible. For to continue in this work situation after what has transpired and her protestations of love for you will derail this whole thing. I know the economy is tough, very much so. But don't let that be an excuse for you not to hold her to her every promise she has made. She has lost any rights to decide how this is going to go. And you will never know what the truth really is. So be very wary, because these things have a tendency to blow up even worse. She has to be completely transparent if she is going to gain your trust back. Once again, if she is being less than honest, at some point she will screw up, so if you are going to trust her....TRUST BUT VERIFY!Best of Luck and please update us when appropriate.and PS...Id keep that suitcase packed just in case.
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (30 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I havent posted an update sooner, Well, I gave her till Sunday, and she woke me up Sunday at 5am, to tell me, she tried to tell me sooner, but I wouldnt let her, I told her to make sure to take the whole time, that way it's thought through completely,but she told me that she was sorry she had just let me be so hard on myself, that she wasnt 100% sold that I ment what I said, she thought maybe I was just saying what I said, because when I told her to see her boss, it really messed her up, she wasnt expecting me to throw that angle at her, and basically thought it was a scapegoat for me to get out of working things out, then she brought up 2 things that now needed to be figured out,She had already let it be known she was interested,(that was my fault)she also told him that she had been in a relationship for 10years and her feelings for him were fcking things up, but as expected, all he heard was she was interested, since Monday she has called me, and texted me to let me know how shit was going at work,at various times of the day, she told me honestly the 4 hour chat we had sunday, had made her feel that I care still, and she doesnt feel the butterflys when she sees him, better yet, she feels kind of annoyed when he's around, I believe her!not 100%,I believe that would be foolish on my part, but apparently, he's stepped up all attempts,which was the case when he first became her boss, she actually was very disgusted and irritated by him, but he followed her out yesterday, totally unaware that I was picking her up, Im not a tall dude, but im pretty thick, and Irish looking, and I saw him, finally,he was a fking dork! I mean, I didnt even think anything when he walked out behind her, he kind of looked over at me, i was smoking, and my girlfriend said, "Boss Name! this is my boyfriend, my name," He wouldnt look at me, I walked over and put my hand out, I could feel him literally shaking, I just said "good to meet you, Ive heard a lot about you" then I got in the car and left! it was great, I wish I could better describe his demeanor, I don't believe he'll stop, he might, but I can only believe and trust to a point!Im happy she's being honest and open with me, but really, I will just watch how she acts, what she does, etc. I know she's for real because of how quick she wanted me to know, if things were shady, she would procrastinate, and hide from me!I'll certainly keep you guys and girls posted. Country Women, thanks for the broad logical advice, and special thanks to Grimm Reality for helping me get my balls back! I appreciate all that helped though!
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (25 July 2009):
Good for you, you have been straight talking with her and told her in no uncertain terms that she either needs to buck up her ideas or she knows where the door is.
She is the one now wondering what YOUR next move is.
If she knows you are dealing with extra stress and worry about your friend then she will appreciate the fact that enough is enough, you have given her a lifeline in as much as the counselling but you have also given her a time frame i.e. Sunday to let you know her plans of whether she is willing to abide by what you have set out or to walk away with your head held high.
Good luck to you and definitely let us know what happens OK.
Stay strong and life can be good again honest.
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (25 July 2009):
Well I think slowly and surely you are starting to come around...but remember if she wants to fix this its up to HER. She screwed up and ACTION, NOT WORDS are the only way she can really if ever win your trust back.I was harsh because I wanted you to see by your posts that you were torturing yourself for her actions...its her choice to go off with her boss...and there are consequences to her choices. She sees no consequences, because she does not believe you at all. She is assured you will forgive her every time. And I don't think hanging out with your friends a little more than normal justifies her actions....She has to own what she did. If she wont accept your terms(in reality she has no legs to stand on here) then I would suggest you have her suitcase packed, and tell her that the both of you are taking a ride. Then drive to this guys house, take her and the suitcase to his door, ring the bell and when he answers, you calmly say."Here ya go...now she's your problem. Have a great Life!"Believe me...it works
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (25 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just needed some time to think! Im not usually so quick to blame myself about shit, I was mostly mad at myself, because right or wrong, she stuck with me through some very immature B.S., I was with her so long, I took her for granted, I told her today, I cant worry about shit I have no control over, I.E.if she's banging her boss or not! and basically told her that the stuff with her boss isnt my problem!I felt so overwhelmed with blaming myself, logic which is usually prevailent, went out the window, but after reading a few of your posts, I got level headed, where I understand I Fkd up pretty bad, but if it was so bad, she couldve left, Im not controling, im the opposite, so im basically offered up the counseling idea, told her that the crap with her boss is BS, and if she thought for a second id stick around while she banged him, she had her head way up her ass, she's been being a lot nicer, and willing to work things out, but I read some of the crap I posted in regards to my own guilt, and while being 100% true, she pulled her own strings, and I really sounded like a pussy! believe me im not, not being open to any form of change for 10 years, was always my way of being the opposite, after watching a lot of my buddys, get lead around by their GF's by the balls, but I should have not been so stubborn about some shit, so I guess it all came out in my mind as being totally my fault, I told her I wanted an anwer on her plans by Sunday, so i'll keep you all informed, I really don't feel bad that I will have to dump her if she still wants her boss, because I would rather not have to sit around and wonder if she's banging him during lunch at some motel, ive got more important shit going on in my life(friend o.d.on heroine) and It really would be of relief to not be paranoid, a few days ago, I couldnt comprehend myself without her, now im just kind of 50\50, and im glad my brains adjusted to the emotions, i'll let you guys know!
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (25 July 2009):
WHY ARE YOU JUSTIFYING THIS?Listen to yourself...do you think that you told her to go be with him becuase you were so insecure that you figured that was the only way to keep her, only to have it backfire?Then you are surprised when she says she wants to? Listen, nothing personal but we want to hold onto something that says that this is not happening, but it has not hit home apparently that when you allow this to go on, she will go do her thing and then come back to you, and you will forgie her...and you will do it over and over.The only counseling needed is for you and your child. For your GF to display this behavior and just expect you to accept it is beyond comprehension.She is a lost cause. I understand everyone has their threshold of what bulls**t they will put up with, but if you don't either lay down the law with her, or dump her, nothing will change. she will take you for granted(evidenced by her accepting to pursue the relationshiup at work)she does not love you... Please take some action, because I guarantee you that you will return here in 6 months wondering whey you didn't dump her in the first place.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 July 2009):
OK the only way forward right now is asking her to consider counselling together and to make a total commitment towards that, no strange late nights or secret meetings etc.
If you haven't told her about the fact that you saw the message, then don't FOR NOW. If you have then just look out for any signs of her making more of an effort with her appearance, long periods alone on the computer or on her mobile texting.
If however, she decides to go along the route of counselling and you get some true and open discussions going in counselling then maybe there is a way forward. However, I think that like you say you are not going to be convinced 100% that things are fine and the infatuation is turned off. I was interested in a guy for quite a while and whilst I know he is in a happy relationship now (after losing his wife at 38), I still can't stop the heart beating a little faster when I see him and I still get a little tongue tied when I talk to him. I have suppressed the feelings I have for him as I am happy for him right now and that must be the most important consideration, he deserves his happiness after his wife died at such an early age and left him with young children.
The point I am trying to get to is your girlfriend needs to WANT to make the best of your relationship and that takes effort. Also the fact that you have been facing her with this other girl showing interest in you is OK for now, but that would wear thin eventually and that is the dangerous time, right now she is in a situation where someone else is after HER man and she is going to fight tooth and nail to keep you. However, there is always a way to keep her on her toes but not always being the predictable one and also maybe having the odd guys night out and let her know that someone showed interest in you. Don't make it a regular thing otherwise this will give her licence to go for a girlie night out and that could spell danger i.e. she isn't seeing the girls.
It will take a lot of work but it really does depend on if you are both willing to work hard at putting it right, only time will tell.
BTW you can always message me direct in the future if you ever just want to chat OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (23 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told her I was interested in a girl that has been trying desperatly to win me over, Im not interested in her, although she's hot, and seems cool, and I'll admit seeing how bad she want's me is a huge head turner, but Im not interested in getting into a different relationship, when Im still in one, but I did tell my girlfriend that this hot chick invited me to go to Lake Havasu with her, for some reason that got my girls attention, I found out that she used her brain, she realized how akward it would be after doing your boss, and she (being a boss herself) would literally be throwing away everything she's worked so hard to attain, she said she is interested in working things out with me, and that seing how brutal I was taking my own actions(not hers) made her realize I was serious for the first time in 10 years, I now have this issue, I believe her, but feelings of infatuation don't just turn off cause you want them to, im not the jealous type, I generally think everybody is accountable for their own actions, but for the first time ever, in any relationship, I have this weird tugging feeling in my gut, can she suppress these feelings for her boss? even know I know she has the best intentions, we all understand how infatuation feels, I guess im still not 100% sold, and I probably wont be, until I feel we are making progress, but until then, what do I do to keep from totally flipping out when I suspect something? I guess there is no easy answer, but that's where we are at as of today, I appreciate all your feedback, and the harsher the better, because although this is only my side of things, sometimes you don't see things from your own side, odd!
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 July 2009):
I have to say that you have had such other sound advice from both female and male perspectives and this must make you realise that you CANNOT continue to blame yourself for the way your relationship is now.
It take two, that is 50% each - if things are wrong you either work at it as a couple or you split and go your separate ways. Believe me even if your daughter does not see or hear the arguments, she will have picked up on the atmosphere in the home. If she knows that mummy and daddy are not happy this is something they can hide inside for a very long time, she is no longer a baby and she will have her own opinions and thoughts.
When you talk about the past you put yourself down so much that you have finally made yourself believe your own emotional weaknesses or failures. None of us are perfect but it seems to me that you are trying to proportion all of the blame onto your shoulders so that you cannot see any wrong in your partner. She is wrong, if things were so great at home she wouldn't even consider going with her boss. He is out for what he can get and the fact that he has done this before with other staff members means it is time he got found out as you can NEVER have a solid workforce if all he can see and they can see is the contact they have had with him, he is a player and it is about time your gf realised this. She is just one in a line of the females he probably aims to bed before he finally gets found out. What is one night of bed hopping going to prove, absolutely nothing. What would be harder to do is for her to work at your relationship and also the fact that she has a daughter to consider as well, what affect is this going to have on her once the preverbial hits the fan if she takes things further.
Tell her that if she goes for it with her boss that you are not going to stand by and let her do whatever she wants. If however, she decides to make a commitment to you by attending couple counselling then at least you are both trying to make things work.
Don't let your daughter see that her dad has no back bone, it is not YOUR fault OK. The one thing I learnt from counselling is that a person cheats because there are problems in the relationship and that is down to 2 people not 1. Yes it is an easy option to do it but it is the aftermath that has a longer affect.
Keep us posted and although it is hard try to stay positive.
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Break up with her or tell her you will only accept fidelity in this relationship. These are the only two options here. It is not anything more than this. 1. you both end this relationship, or 2. you are both faithful and loving to each other....
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 July 2009):
I am, sorry, but you are being 1) Way too hard on yourself and 2) justifying her disrespectful behavior.
Do you notice that you are blaming yourself for a conscious decision that she is making by pursuing this? All the overanalyzing in the world is not changing the fact that you can't take responsibility for her actions. She is making a conscious decision to do this, and you are talking yourself into allowing this. Look at your posts! You have lost half of this battle by your words of resignation that convince only yourself that you can do nothing to stop it.
I have nothing personal against you, but dear god are you just gonna roll over and be a doormat while this woman goes out and screws this guy and leaves you to babysit? I sympathise with your plight...to a point. She obviously knows that she can take you for granted because of you ARE NOT PUTTING YOUR FOOT DOWN!
Man Up and tell her its you or you are out of there. I know you have a child, but to accept this predicament is accepting brazen disrespect. You have been beaten down by your own self image for too long...STAND UP FOR YOURSELF OR YOU WILL HAVE A DOORMAT LABEL ON YOUR FOREHEAD THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 July 2009):
 This thing your wife has for her boss sounds more like a crush rather than "love". I think a counselor will be able to point this out for her and help her deal with it. Sometimes it just takes an impartial outsider to put things in their proper perspective.
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (22 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy daughter is almost 8, even through all this B.S., we don't really fight very much, we have stern conversations, away from her, she is very happy, that's one of the points to our relationship, we have been in some blazers, but 95% of the time, we don't fight, which I know from experience isnt an everyday thing, it's something I kind of like, as far as marriage, well I guess I could say, I was 6 when my parents divorced, I didnt understand it then, but I believe it had a huge impact on how I looked at things in life, I personally have to admit, being so immature, I wasnt really stable, I lived where I could live on whatever I was doing at the moment for a livelihood, I was a very very very selfish person, and it has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to admitt and then fix, I just figured Id get married whenever that time came, I was to busy having a great time, these are all things of which im riddled with guilt now, extreme guilt and shame!! Ive over came many things, and I am a very intelligent person, to a fault, I don't ever think of anything, I think of everything, until ive shut my brain down and walked away from things, but of all the emotions and feelings ive learned to deal with, the one I never have is guilt! it doesnt seem to matter if I make amends or not, I never feel I fully have, this goes for anything in my life, but i'll quit ranting, and just say, I am the one who put my own relationship into jepordy, but I have worked harder then ever before to not only try and make good on all my past shenanigans, but to become the guy I was when I met her, I believe we are very in love, but I believe she doesnt realise that just cause I have come forward as the plaque in our relationship, that doesnt mean she was the perfect mate, and I believe the counseling aspect is huge, and a shining example why I decided to ask you girls and guys, it's such a commonn sense approach that I never thought of! you people are great thank you again, for the advice!
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 July 2009):
So you have made mistakes in the past, don't you think that can be immaturity after your daughter was born, how old is she now?
Does your daughter pick up on the atmosphere in the home between you and your gf?
Can I also ask why you have never taken the further step of a committment i.e. marriage, is this something that both of you don't see as important or want to do?
When you have no true committment it seems as though it is always easier to stop something i.e. the relationship. The thought of going through a messy divorce seems to sometimes make people try a little harder. Maybe I'm wrong as I was never married either but that was not down to my choice but that of my ex because his parents divorced when he was a teenager and I think he grew up with a very jaded opinion of the sanctity of marriage.
Now that you have pondered on counselling, do you think it is something you would consider doing? I know that when both myself and my ex went through it we went to Relate first of all (an organisation for relationships that are struggling), we had 3 months of this then was told we had our own issues to address so went to individual counsellors and we also had some couple counselling which taught us the skill of listening to our partner and not talking over them, each person had about 5 - 10 minutes to talk whilst the other person listened.
Keep us posted on your progress eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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reader, Leykis101 +, writes (22 July 2009):
Leykis101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the fast response as I have been sitting here dwelling a good portion of the evening!I guess I left out a few details, you see I have a lot of confidence issues, I didnt have the first clue how to treat her the first 6 or 7 years we were together, I was selfish and immature, I left her home with our daughter while I hung out with my buddys, that type of thing, she was brought up with her mother hiding things and lying to avoid consequences, so she is less then truthful about things, this is not how I am, I over tell things, wrong or right, so we both have addressed these problems and are working on them, the thing is, I fully understand how she put up with me for so long, that she would get tired of it, it's completely my fault she's in love with her boss, I almost feel bad standing in her way, but I also understand her boss, he is single, she was not at all attracted to him in the beginining, he is a known player, and I believe is lucky hasnt lost his job for enjoying his female employes company a little to much! but I guess my thing is, she has told me it's me she wants, but knowing the extreme interest she has in him, is kind of making me lose interest, and I did tell her that I was expecting her to say no to pursuing him! I guess this wont change your view, but I thought it was worth noting, and I am glad you brought me your view point, because counseling wasnt anything I had even really pondered. thank you again!
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female
reader, littlest.devil  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 I think you should share your feelings with your girlfriend. Let her know , as kindly as possible, how this is making you feel. Tell her you know you weren't perfect in the past but you are better now and that you are sorry for the past, but right now we have to deal with the situation at hand. Ask her if she is willing to get relationship counseling with you. This seems like a very stressful situation and you obviously truely love her. Hang in there, were're all rooting for you :] !! Btw listen to Country Woman she knows what shes talking about :P.
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 July 2009):
I think the fact is that you need to be open and honest with her and tell her that in a way you were testing her feelings of love for you when you mentioned going for it with her boss.
You are right having 3 people in a relationship is just wrong.
You both have a daughter to consider and I think you are banging your heads against a brick wall if you think you can put what is wrong in your relationship right by yourselves, you can't it is that simple. If you could it would have been done a long time OK.
You need to get some couple counselling and even though what may come out in those counselling sessions could upset you or hurt you i.e. in reference to her feelings for her boss etc, you need to get to the root of the problem as it will NEVER go away on it's own.
Her boss knows she is involved with someone and has been for some time and that she has has a child, is this guy single or in a relationship as he is playing a very dangerous game in my opinion. Mixing work and play is just overstepping the mark a little too much.
Tell her before it is too late that you don't want her to take things further with her boss and it was only something you said on the spur of the moment and you didn't mean it. If you stay quiet she may think you have given her the green light and that is something you don't truly feel right now.
Keep us posted but do consider some counselling if you truly want to try and sort out your relationship if not for yourselves then at least so your daughter's parents are not eventually at each other's throats.
BFN
Country Woman
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