A
male
age
36-40,
*vailablegod
writes:I am new to this forum and probably wouldn't have ever posted if it weren't for one of the most painful turn of events which might change my life forever.my girlfriend and I had been going steady since dec 2007.we were exact opposites yet the best match one could possibly ask for. She and I complemented each other beautifully.then came 2009 and her sister committed suicide (the family consisted of her mom, dad, she and her sister). The whole family was starting to fall apart because of the trauma. I stood beside her the best that i could. I even left my career in research to be able to stay beside her. And despite of withstanding a lot of pain and suffering i thought that i had been able to carry her to safety. We were smiling again.Despite the mishap..she was able to graduate with a degree in EE in march 2010. In dec 2010 she got a job...which needed her to stay 700 miles away. She was initially apprehensive about taking it but her parents wanted her to do it since it was for a prestigious software company. i never gave a firm opinion either. And she left that month for joining the job.She hated that place from the start and for two months over there the schedule was gruelling. and to top it all she didn't even have a room mate. but we kept in constant contact over the phone.then one day for my own insecurity I had a fight with her over the phone. She was terribly upset. But I apologized later and things subsided.she did make some good friends there..and she also started to love that place which is pretty famous for it's natural beauty. Then one day she was suddenly transferred to another city by the management. and this is where the trouble started i guess.She tried to cope with everything again from the start...but this time she couldn't because the type of work that she had to do there was entirely against her liking. And she became extremely upset when she heard that her possibilities of getting a posting at or near her hometown is almost nil.I tried to stand by her (over the phone) and she did seem to respond at times but most of the times she was having an extremely negative mindset. And to add to everything else her father was diagnosed with kidney stones.then suddenly after a few days after being a bit cold and distant from me...she told me that she can't take any more responsibilities and wanted the relationship to end. She said that the way everything is going-she fears that we will never have a happy conjugal life. When I asked her if she loves me or not...she said "i don't know"I started to cry over the phone because nothing else in my life mattered to me as much as her. later that night she texted me and asked me if I was still feeling like crying. She told me that she knows that she is being a terrible person for putting me through this but she cant help it. She said that 'think of it as the world's saddest person trying to get some peace'One thing that I have never doubted about her is her honesty..she is brutally honest.I have never been sadder in my life. I know what sorrow is. It's just that she means so much to me.I still have a feeling that she loves meand she once said angrily that "do you think that I am taking this decision because I don't need you now...?"I shall love her unto death...and I have made it known to her, I have cried in front of her at times even when she came back for a few days..but she just looked away..her jaw was firm but she also had tears in her eyes sometime. Can anyone enlighten me as to how I can get her back?She has told me that she doesn't want to get in a relationship ever again
View related questions:
roommate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (24 April 2011):
Sadly enough, this story is a very common one :( A life crisis always brings about a different note to the people we care for, and many times when it separates us we forget just how much we love them. When the future is so unclear and seemingly hopeless, its easy to assume that things just aren't meant to work out.
But what your girlfriend has yet to realize is that love is tough, no matter what. Take this from a man who was separated from the love of his life due to very similar reasons (job offer in another city, tried to make it work long distance, couldn't see a bright future on the horizon, she started to question if she actually loved me, end of story) that this is something she needs to learn on her own. And she WILL learn it, but it may have to be the hard way.
I guarantee that there is something in her that still really cares for you; but right now it doesn't seem worth it to pursue. She's too focused on other aspects of her life. She needs this time for herself. She's likely going to miss you. She's going to realize just how much she gave up, and she's going to be conflicted every day about whether or not she made the right decision.
But you really need to ask yourself; is it worth it to love someone who can let their love for you fade so easily? Right now, the answer is no. She needs to learn to love. She needs to learn that love is NOT easy; ever. And she can only learn it on her own.
Right now. Give her space and continue on with your life. I know that it sounds impossible (definitely been there) but its truly the best advice. She may be feeling content with her choice right now; things will be new and exciting to her and she'll be happy to have "freedom." BUT it will not last. She'll realize that the trade was not worth it at all, but again, she needs time and space to come to that conclusion on her own time.
I honestly wish you the best. Just move on with your life. Be patient. And always treat her with kindness no matter how upset you are (trust me; it shows a LOT to retain your dignity)
A
female
reader, GG96 +, writes (23 April 2011):
You need to respect her and her descions. You can ask her to be her friend. If that works, good for you, but thats probably all you'll ever be. While your being her friend, try to convince her into therapy. It sounds like she has alot of issues that she needs to work through. Maybe, but don't get your hopes up, once she sorts through those issues, you might get back together. She has alot of issues and problems and even if she still loves you that still won't be enough to keep the relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, availablegod +, writes (23 April 2011):
availablegod is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni would like to add that she is extremely averse to seeking professional help and/or counseling in any form. She has also never been a big fan of internet forums where people share their experiences. But I do and I have researched the net and found this page..
http://healingresources.info/emotional_trauma_overview.htm
Now what I would like to ask is..after a few months when she might be in a more non-volatile state of mind (i am not sure that she will be)..would it be foolish on my part to ask her to go and view this page?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): your ex has made a decision that you must respect.but is does not sound as if she dislikes you. Her recent life has been one of much enforced change, uncertainties, family stress, plus bereavement. That is a huge load of stress. Plus a LDR is very hard to sustain, even without all the stress she has been through.You can ask her if it would be OK for you to remain a platonic friend. Where you are willing to listen, not be judgmental, and not expect nor ask for more than friendship.Because it sounds like she needs a friend who will listen, but who will not expect more, at the moment.It may also be that she is experiencing stages of the grieving process. Or even depression. Discover more, for yourself, about Depression, and how you can best support her, if she is depressed. Very gently and tactfully, raise the subject of depression, after you have learnt more about the right way to encourage a person with possible Depression, to get a professional opinion from a Doctor.You may have lost her as your GF, but you can demonstrate that you care.If she will allow you to stay around, as just a friend, then it is more likely that she might welcome you back into her arms, in the future. No guarantees, of course.But allow her to make the first move on that, not you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 Thats a tough one. I can sense the pain you're going through, but I think as of now, you should just leave her alone. OP you can never "get" anyone back. Thats entirely upto them, to decide if they want to come back to you or now. All you can do, is be the best support possible for them, and then (unfortunately) leave it at that. You have stood by her through the darkest of times, if she wants to be alone despite that, then that's her decision and you cannot do anything more. You've already done much, much more than most others would.
Your girlfriend is going through a horrible crisis in life. She lost her sister, and that too to such an reason. Losing a family member to suicide is an unimaginable trauma. She then started working and slowly grew to love the place she was in. That too was taken away from her, and she had to move base. For many people, leaving an environment which they've grown to like, is a very, VERY difficult task. I hated it when I had to leave home and go out to study; imagine the struggle that this girl has had to face. Now again she's finding herself in a strange place with new people and it must be hard for her.She probably thinks because of her mental condition,that whatever she loves is taken away from her, and this decision to break away from you might be based on that. She might just be thinking that very soon you would also walk away from her life, and then what...?? I'm sure she loves you, she just doesnt want any more pain associated with losing a loved one. I know its almost like reverse psychology, but I'm pretty sure thats what it is.
Your girlfriend needs help. She needs to understand that everything will be fine. But the more you force your help from her, the more she'll withdraw from you. You know what they say, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they were always yours'. if they don't, they never were.
I'm sure she will come back to you. If you're willing to go through a very difficult and turbulent phase of this relationship, then stick it out. Its a long road ahead, but I believe in the power of love.
...............................
|
