A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im so hurt! My ex gf broke up with me on Nov 4 after dating for almost 2 yrs. I always treated her like a princess and loved her like crazy. I found out on a txt msg she sent me by "accident". It devastated me bcuz even though we had been fighting, I still loved her with all my heart!I noticed the last 2 months she hasnt been as caring but I didnt think much of it. I ask her why she broke up with me and she said she wanted to be alone. I find out 3 days later she found someone else and it hurts much more because she lied to me. She told me its a guy she met at work. When I tried to confront her she told me to go "get a life". She wont speak to me or answer me. I dont understand how she can be so cold and cruel after being so happy together! I finally saw her once since that day and she told me I repulsed her in everything i did but it wasnt my fault. She wouldnt even touch me! She was impatient the whole time we met (30 min) and left me crying by myself. Shes so mean to me. I told her why she didnt tell me sooner her love died out and she said "i dont know". Now I havent spoken to her since but every night since the 4th I cry. She was my best friend and gf and I loved her very much. Im so confused and hurt I dont know what to do. I tried to distract myself but it works during the day but at night it hurts all over again. She claimed to have stopped loving me since 8 months ago but I dont believe her since she seemed happy until September. I cant stop thinking about her.Why would someone be so hurtful like this????
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female
reader, luxlisbon  +, writes (21 June 2012):
Lumous how are you now? I am going through something similiar. The love of my life dumped me in february (he planned on moving away but it didn't end up happening). he says he's still in love with me, will be in love with me forever but he doesn't want me. I mean, fuck. i've gotten worse. I literally see no point in living. I know that I am intelligent, beautiful, funny and interesting enough to find someone else, but I just don't want anyone else, that was my fucking fish.
are you over this woman that dumped you? I know this was posted in 2010 and I want to know how you are doing.
or anyone else who gets it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): i have some advice im 13 years old yesterday my girlfriewnd just dumped me i loved her much and we been through so muhch together we dated for like almost a year but afterchristmas she just took my presents and said its over without tellin me an reason.what you could do is look back at the memories you had i know memories hurt but just look back at them and seee what kind of person she and ask yourself do you really want to spent the rest of your days with this girl?my girlfriend was codependant so i can understand why she dumped me i think she just used me for attention.you see the thig that gets men is when you see a girl you think that she will be nice and pretty.but think about the future for a few seconds.
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A
male
reader, LuvsicK  +, writes (19 February 2010):
Man, i can't say i feel for you... But my girlfriend dumped me because she said she wasnt ready for another serious relationship.... she didnt tell me this until 2 months into the relationship. I cry every night aswell, the only advice i can give is don't give up hope man. Stay faithful, the best you can and it will pay off someday. Yea i know it gets hard at times but its how you handle the pain. Here's what i do, every day i wrote my ex a note...i dont give it to her but it helps me tell her how i feel and my thoughts about her and the situation that happened... now i know im no Dr. Phill but just try writing her a note everyday and see where it leads....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2009): I hate to say it, but women hate guys who, for lack of better words, act likes wussies.
Sure, you can be nice, but you still need to keep that edge that attracted her to you in the first place, or they'll lose interest.
Don't open yourself up until you're married, or have some legal contract...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): She can't help it it's the way women are wired.Ok If there is anything that REPULSES a women more it is a crying sniveling wuss bag.Todays men need to stand up and stop acting like a girl all sensitive and gay sounding.You have this all wrong.Her attraction for you stopped when you acted all too nice.Listen to this, women say they want a nice sensitive man.THEY LIE TO YOU!How would you like a girl that acted like a man? They don't like a man to act like women.What they really want is a man of high status with a strong backbone.She will test you constantly see if you got it..No girl wants a too nice of a boy get that through your head.If you don't figure this out you will repeat the process over and over.
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A
male
reader, Lumous +, writes (17 December 2009):
Hi all, I just want to thank everyone for their heartfilled responses.
The thing is though its been 1 and a half months and Im still madly in love with this woman. At this time Ive come to tell myself countless times she isnt worth it and is a waste of my time, that's my brain talking. But my heart is all confused. I rlly rlly loved my ex unconditionally. To the point where had she not broken up im 99% I would have ended up marrying her. I may be young and naive, but thats how much I loved her. I try to go out a lot, distance myself, but I still cry almost every night. My emotions are conflicting enormously and some days im much better then others.
In response to 'empop', you can say I did use "guilt tactics", but the truth was I didnt do it on purpose. It was simply how I felt. I loved her too much to let her go.
I know im better off, I know this is a life experience and im supposed to move on. So why cant I? I spoke to her not too long ago (second time since we broke up) and we had a real long conversation on the phone. She cleared up a few things for me and gave me a bit of closure. She told me I did absolutely nothing wrong, she simply couldnt stand me anymore.
She also told me her new boyfriend is "much older". Now considering she is 18 (so am I), a ballpark figure is ~25. yrs old. Do a lot a of women around that age do this type of thing. Quite a few people told me that girls like to "explore new things" even if it means giving up something good. Some women as well have told me that as well which is what I dont understand. What is there to "explore"? While its possible for a relationship with a big age gap to happen, more likely its going nowhere and he probably simply wants to get into her pants. She confided in me that her parents are against it and constantly compare him to me.
Im very hurt, any feedback would be appreciated, especially from women!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): Hello There,
Sorry to hear what's happened, I'm an old git, but my beloved daughter has just done something similar to a lad she'd been with for quite a while. I liked him a lot and don't think he deserverd to be treated so badly.
I too have been dumped badly (a long while ago), by a wife I adored for 20 yrs, but an old friend (v.wise) gave me some advice..he said one day you will be able to look at XXX and they will be just like ANY OTHER WOMAN.. No pangs, no regrets, no longing..just like looking at anyone in the street... and you know what HE WAS RIGHT. In my case it took several years, but HEY you're young..wish I was !
You'll meet someone else eventually, and you'll realise the hurtful personal things your ex said to you, were only because she was trying to break away. Don't let her steal your self confidence, and DON'T waste time thinking about her any more..SHE wasn't good enough for you. Don't take it all to heart, esp just before Christmas.
Get out with some mates, enjoy yourself while you're young..as my wise friend said PLENTY MORE !!!, and there are...
Good luck with it lad,
Steve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): this girl obviously didnt deserve a nice boy like you by the sounds of it. even though you thought she was happy, she obviously wasnt but strung you along anyway which is unfair. getting over a split is hard, especially if you really loved them and have been with them for some time, it could of been the arguing that made her fall out of love with you, or maybe she is with that other boy who she went out with for drinks (i know you probley dont want to hear that) but that could be it. your upset now and are crying every night, but in time things will get better, it takes time to heal pain, if things dont get better go to a therapist and talk about it, it will make you feel more clearer. in my opinion a nice boy like you deserves better and dont worry you will find someone else one day who you will fall in love with. look to the future, start fresh and forget the past, its hard but you will get there eventually if you try... Good luck i hope you start feeling better soon
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 November 2009):
 whoa, in response to another un named responder, it is very important first up to not generalise about women, just as it is important to remember not all men are arsehats!
You list your age at between 18 and 21 which means that you were probably aged between 18 and 19 when you first started dating. And whilst your and her ages dont go any where near excusing her very bad behaviour, it can go a little way toward understanding what and why it has happened.
She may beleive she has outgrown you. The "accidental" text message was her cowardly way out of confronting you. When you did finally get to have a face to face confrontation and she said she was repulsed by you, that was her way of trying to shift the blame for your hurt from herself to you.
Her saying this other relationship has been in the pipeline for 8 months or so, instead of the probable 2 months when her behaviour changed, is just her way of denying the changes in bahaviour were linked to the new relationship.
I can understand about your being able to cope during the day, but not at night, this is quite normal, for men and for women, in all sorts of situations, not just relationship breakdowns.
All you can do is your best. Thats all any of us can do. Try and move on and dont let yourself get bitter because one girl has turned out to be a nasty piece of work, dis honest and without principles. There are lots of girls out there looking for the decent guys, the ones who are not dazzled by the trappings of material wealth but are more interested in the person you are.
Just take each day as it comes, you will find it gets easier as you go, and one day you will wake up and ask yourself what all the drama was about.
You have your whole life before you, when you are ready to ask yourself what it was all about, ask if there were signals you were ignoring, take the time to ask yourself what you have learned from it, and if there is anything within your own makeup that may have contributed to the whole sorry mess.
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (23 November 2009):
 I sympathize, but at your age (early 20s) change is the only thing that can be expected.
It's b.s. that she didn't tell you upfront, but all the more reason to be DONE with her.
I think it's important to be honest with the fact that young women enjoy having many relationships.
In my opinion, many women rank fun and social position a relationship brings as far more valuable than happiness. She may have just re-ordered her priorities, and was a cold-hearted bitch about it.
Anyway, my advice would be avoid the drama and get on with your life. You are young and most likely have your health and there's much adventure ahead for you!
The best way to stop thinking about her is to do stuff and be with friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): Mourn your loss completely and embrace every second of the pain.
You will be a stronger, better person once you've gotten through all the pain and hurt. :)
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 November 2009):
 You're extreme disappointment is understandable, but this is an excellent lesson in living and loving. Something similar may happen several times during your tenure on earth. Sometimes, you may be the dumpee, and at other times the dumper. You apparently thought that the match was great, but somebody else came along and you really had no control over that whatsoever. It happens.
This is when and where you start being a full-grown man. You must be tough enough to take it. All is fair in love, and you have now learned that it certainly has it's ups and downs. You simply have to "suck it up" and chalk it up to living, then move on. There will be better times, and there may also be worse, but in this case, you just have to get over it. Life is still good, just not always perfect and it will not always transpire as you wish. Put it behind you.
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A
female
reader, empop +, writes (23 November 2009):
You need to let yourself feel everything - stop trying to distract yourself from your feelings. If your sad, feel sad, if you're angry, feel angry. With emotions, the only way out is through.
I can tell you why your girlfriend acted the way she did though, because I've done some of it before myself. It is very difficult to break up with someone. You feel guilty, you feel sad, and so many times you'll put it off. You wait for that perfect time, that never seems to come, and you get more and more frustrated with your relationship in the meantime. The fact that she sent you message by "accident" just emphasizes how afraid of breaking up with you she was. She didn't want to hurt you, but her feelings had ended, so she had to. Also, she told you she wanted to be alone because she thought it would spare your feelings. It is very difficult to tell someone something they don't want to hear, and she tried in her way, to hurt you as little as possible.
And, you say it hurt more that she lied, but there's really no way "I want to break up, I've found someone else" can not hurt. The reason you repulse her is because she associates you with how much she hid her feelings around you. She's right, it's not your fault, it's her fault because she should have been more open with you, but that's the way it is. I can understand her desire not to be around you also - when I've broken up with guys who want to date me, they usually pressure me very hard to get back together with them (either straightforwardly, or by using guilt tactics.) Either way, it's miserable. She was probably afraid you were going to do something like that to her. You said she wouldn't let you touch her - were you trying to touch her more than you'd touch a male friend? If so, that would be seen as you trying to trigger intimacy between the two of you, which would naturally have made her uncomfortable because she doesn't want that anymore.
Again, she's not trying to hurt you. In fact, the way she acts suggests just the opposite. And, it's really unpleasant to have to repeatedly justify a difficult decision to someone, which is why she avoids you.
You need to accept that this relationship is over. You must not try to get back together with her, you'll just keep hurting yourself. Also, frankly, she has behaved very immaturely at times (particularly the "accidental" text.) Allow yourself to feel angry at her for the pain she's caused you (but, don't act on it - just feel it) and that will help you move on. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you made, and just treat this as one of those life experiences that will ultimately help you grow as a person.
I hope you feel better soon, and time eventually heals all wounds. However, if you don't start feeling better than you do right now by, say, January or February, or you start feeling suicidal, or you can't work, you should think about going to a therapist.
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