A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend stays out regularly and sometimes comes back as late as 4am. Sometimes she goes to see a friend who has a flat a few miles away. I work full time so I generally feel tired as I don't sleep so well when I don't know where she is or what time she will me back. She doesn't like to tell me her plans and doesn't like me to ask that is not an option.This guy also texts her as she has told me sometimes if it arrives when I am around. I know the guy vaguely from the area but we are not friends. Any suggestions welcome.-----My partner often keeps the fact that she is involved with me from her acqaintences. She says that it is not relevent and that it never comes up in conversation. If I eventually meet one of her acquaintences she will often either not introduce me or introduce me by giving my name but without any reference to who I am to her. The result is that oftentimes I find myself feeling like an acqaintence myself and her friends seem slightly uncomfortable. I don't feel I can introduce myself because she gets angry if say I am her partner. I work full time. I feel I am liked by my colleagues and acqaintences at work and I would talk about my partner if for example someone asked what I did at the weekend. My partner uses the word "I" when talking about things we have done, or are going to do together, unless it is her family. She will even do this infront of me and this makes me feel invalidated. I would naturally tend to use the word "we".Recently I have found myself talking about her less at work.We have been together for 6 years. --------My girlfriend has had a few occasions where she has had flirtations with a guys during our relationship. She has also slept with her ex-boyfriend once and had an involvement at a party recently (without sex apparantly) with someone we have both known for around 9 years. He is a known womaniser and is in a relationship. We do not have an open relationship and I do not date other women. She says it is harder for her because guys have always found her attractive and easier for me because women don't.I am starting to feel the relationship is a sham and this is highlighted when we visit her family who know nothing. When we visit she pays me attention and is generally sweet. Her family totally accept me and make me feel part of their family. My own family is rather broken so I have never felt this before. My problem is that I feel I am part of a lie because they think everything is alright between myself and my partner. I really don't feel I can speak to her family, even though we are close, as I would feel I was betraying the trust of my partner but I can't understand why she behaves like this.I would be grateful of your thoughts.[Mod note: 3 questions from same poster combined as they all are about the same girlfriend and the same relationship.]
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at work, flirt, her ex, text, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You seem to be examining the trees when you should be looking at the forest. The constellation of the relationship symptoms you describe suggest she doesn't actually think of you as her boyfriend. You might, but she doesn't. I think the overall pattern of this relationship shows a woman on the way out. Sorry.
I think you are hoping against hope that it will all be okay; unless she shows up, prepared to work on the relationship and ready to acknowledge you as her boyfriend, I think you are allowing yourself to be fooled.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for taking the time to read my question. I appreciate your answers and thoughts. The moderators of this site amagamated my questions, which is fine, but the reason I seperated them was because I was hoping to gain some clarity from each of these areas.
1 I never know where she is and she does not like me to ask.
2.My partner keeps the fact that she is involved with me from many of her acquaintences.
3.I feel bad when I am with her family because she makes them think everythig is fine. I feel I am accepting their generous acceptance while living a lie.
I would be grateful if anyone has any thoughts about how I can deal with my feelings and her family.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Mate, to be frank, this woman sounds like a bitch. You've been going out for 6 years and she never introduces you as her bf??? When you're with someone that you love you should feel like shouting it from the rooftops, not becoming angry when it's mentioned...
You know of 2 times (at least) when she's been with other men? She doesn't let you know where she's going and she doesn't like you asking? and then comes home at 4am, sorry to tell you mate, but it sounds like she's cheating on you.
'She says it is harder for her because guys have always found her attractive and easier for me because women don't.' - Also sounds like she's up her own ass.
Dump her and move on mate, find someone out there that respects you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): I hope the following link could help you understand what you may be up against. http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (5 February 2012):
"My girlfriend doesn't tell everyone we are dating and has some flirtations with male friends."
"We do not have an open relationship and I do not date other women. She says it is harder for her because guys have always found her attractive and easier for me because women don't."
"Any suggestions welcome."
"I would be grateful of your thoughts."
Uh, wild guess here, completely unsubstantiated shot in the dark, but perhaps your "partner" is thinking that other guys who don't know she's shacking up with you would be less inclined to turn her down when she offers to boink them at her "friend's" flat a few miles away on occasions when she's not already boinking "friend" there; and I'm thinking perhaps if she really didn't want to jump into bed with friends, casual acquaintances and random total strangers behind your back she could somehow muster up the resolve not to do so, no matter how "attractive" men find her.
In more colloquial terms, I suspect she's a tramp and you're a chump.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (5 February 2012):
You are alone, even though you are in a relationship. I would like to advise you to try and talk to her, but as it`s been explained, she probably wont hear. I cannot think of anything to say other than end it with her.
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (5 February 2012):
so she flirts with others?
maybe that's just the ways she is and it's absolutely harmless, nevertheless u either accept it or leave her, because she won't change. many men and women are like that, just flirty with others, which means anything, they're just attention seekers:)
or maybe she's not as committed as you are. and i'm sorry to tell you but as i got through all 3 of your questions i think i'm kind of sure that's what she's about:( she's not being honest with you. as you say, she cheated on you once, but there could be more times she got off with some guy.
you should talk to her about what bothers you. she either stops taking you for granted or leave and move on.
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