A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I could do with some sturn honest advice as I'm feeling a little annoyed with myself.I'm in my 20's and have been with my boyfriend who is in his 40's for 4 years. We live together and have talked about marriage.The problem I have is my jealousy of him spending time at his ex's house with his kids. He is there 4 times a week for 4/5 hours at a time. When he isn't there his ex is always txtin or calling guilt tripping him about not being there. I've recently decided to turn a blind eye and try my best to adjust to this kind of relationship, however I can't help but wonder if I'm being unreasonable or are these feelings normal?I don't dislike his kids, infact I find them to be great little characters, but I do dislike his ex as we have had numerous encounters, she has even turned up at my childs school before now just to cause a row.The thing is I come from a broken family myself were my dads girlfriend is a complete jealous paranoid control freak, she hates it when I phone my dad and shouts obscene things in the background. She hates my dad having any kind of relationship with me and for that reason my dad shows little repect to her. He tells her off infront of me for being so selfish etc. I just don't understand why I'm finding it hard to adjust in my current situation given my background as I always swore I wouldn't put another set of children through what she put us through.Please be open and honest in your advice as I really do love my partner and want to make this work.Thankyou in advance for your answers.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): [Mod note: some answers were approved that should not have made it into the site. They have been removed. Apologies to the original poster. For all who care to post here are the site guidelines: http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html ]Thanks for such great advice to the others but quite frankly I wouldn't post on here again as obviously there's a minority of people who simply can't or won't read before spouting pointless garbage and insinuations.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2012):
 I'm the first one to say, I'm used to keeping touch with ex's. That's how I was brought up. I was taught, if they're good enough with to have sex with, they should be good enough to remain friendly with and stay in your life in some way.
But that's talking to them on the phone a couple of times a year. Or if they is good friends like one of my ex's. Talking on the telephone once a week, and maybe seeing them a couple a times a month. And this is only because my ex is a very good friend and his girlfriend has become a good friend too.
Four times a week, that's absolutely crazy... That's how much some men see their girlfriends. Nobody can have a proper relationship with a man who spends so much time with anybody else, let alone a ex girlfriend.
That's more than unreasonable, that's a relationship that isn't finished. Even if him and the ex have kids, it's still far too much. Your not a new girlfriend, you've been with him for 4years. He's carrying on like a married man with you as the mistress.
Yes, he wants to see the kids, yes he wants to spend time with them, but why isn't it possible for them to come round to where he lives sometimes. Are they very young.
I don't see this changing. He's still attached to this woman, probably because of the kids and I don't see that changing ever. He is not free in his heart to really concentrate on any other relationship.
You must tell him how you feel. He needs to start making plans to step back out of her life a bit, or she'll never have the opportunity to meet somebody else and fall in love and get out of his life.
With kids... yes of course you need to see them. Two times a week for 4hours, and one day just pop in and pop out again. That's more than enough for you to be a great dad.
I can't see what you get out of this relationship.. you never ever see the guy. You could have another lover hidden away, and because he's away so often he'd never find out.
After 4years, you need to ask him where this relationship is going... I can see you hanging around dating and wasting all your youth, whilst this guy is acting like his her man not yours.
Doesn't matter if you and her are friends... this is about the amount of time you need to spend on a relationship to make it work.
You can't marry him... not like this, he might be to busy to come to church.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 I don't like this situation. I comend him for being in his children's lives, but can't for the life of me see a reason why we needs to spend time at his ex's house. If he wants to spend time with his kids, it should be at his house, or in a neutral location with out his ex.
It seems to me his is living to seperate lives, and I can assure you that it won't get better as time passes.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Honestly, if you get married nothing will change. That ring won't magically fix it. Is this really how you want to live your life? With a man who is of to his "other" family constantly? I mean I get it, he is a good guy who takes responsibility for his children, but does he really have to spend time with the kids at HER house?
To me that seems like their marriage isn't quite over, they still play "house".
Me, personally, I would be looking for a man who would put me at least second, right after his kids not fourth, after himself and his ex wife too. Or even better I would find a man who doesn't have as much baggage. Trust me baggage usually equals drama.. I'm married to a man with an ex wife and ex GF, and both women have in the 15 years we have been together created so much drama, that had I known that when I fist met my dear husband, I would not have proceeded. It is a LOT to handle.
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