A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am very confused as what to do with the relationship that I am in. I love my Girlfriend very much, and she can be a complete doll. We are both very self-aware, intelligent people. We both do many things right, we cook for each other, do little things for each other, etc. Things that seemingly may not matter, but little gestures that are not entirely evident in a majority of relationships. In fact, I clean the kitchen so much that she has only had to do the dishes or clean the kitchen 2-3 times in the past 6 months! However, she can be quite overbearing. I try my best though to view this through the lens of her past and her unconventional and undesirable at best upbringing (broken home, bad parents who are very unreliable and it seems like they don't care, mother who tries to sabotage her so she turns out as badly as her). This doesn't really get me anywhere. She can be very insensitive. I have had to strictly reduce or abandon many of my hobbies and passions. I am a very obsessive audiophilic music listener and player. I derive much passion from listening to music in an almost spiritua fasten, as well as creating it, but if I do this, It is most certainly used against me because somehow I end up not spending enough time with her, when the fact of the matter is that we don't even go out and neither of us have any friends. We barely even leave the apartment seperately excecpt for classes! I am always afraid of what I can and can not do because she becomes very very angry and resentful. She gets angry if I do not go to bed at the same time as her, but I can not bring a book in the bedroom because she can not sleep with the light off. Alternatively, if I say I want to stay up and read for a while in the living room, there is a big chance this will be used against me in the future or she will become angry or resentful. The same applies for bringing my iPod into bed (Helps me sleep) or listening to music/making music.Other examples of her overbearing or issues:Constant berating of me in discussions over pety things such as politics, that somehow turn into a one-sided arguement (She gets angry)She spilled soup the other day and punched the fridge and put a dent in it and then cried and went into the bedroom to take a napTelling her something I read on the Internet that she may find useful only to be told she tried to tell me that once before but I never listen (She became angry)Insensitive when I am depressed and quiet (I am prone to depression, sometimes for no reason) (She is not nurturing at all and usually will find a way to turn it around and become angry with me, I.E. I never tell her what's wrong)Constantly bother me to pop 'the question' even though I tell her I am not ready and don't even know myself well enough to able to live with MYSELF (I am a young college student) and that I need time to figure out with marriage means to meI never know what is going to anger her, she constantly acts child-like, throws tantrums, yells and screams when I try to have constructive dialogue in order to come to a compromise on problems or arguements (She claims I am talking to her like a shrink, when in fact, I just try not to scream and be objective and see where she is coming from)I know this is long, but does anyone have any advice?Confronting her on any issue to tell her things we need to work on usually turns out very, very bad (Slammed doors and yelling, etc)
View related questions:
depressed, her past, player, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mrthinker  +, writes (2 May 2012):
Wow, these are all really interesting reads; my girlfriend is exactly the same. I'm always waiting for the next explosive tantrum from her and it usually happens when she is 'bored'. She goes through phases of this behaviour (we are in a phase at the moment). When we met my girlfriend was an independent, inspiring and interesting person. Slowly she's become more and more needy and aggressive. I've eventually figured out that she has some psychological issues that she keeps extremely close to her and is not willing to discuss or face. I have two suggestions for men in similar situations:1. Go out on your own and take up something that gets you out of the house: meet friends, take up a hobby, go to a group, sport or volunteer. Make it a regular thing that you do weekly or fortnightly. That way she will be forced to entertain herself, find some hobbies, get out into the world and make some decisions for herself.2. Face her and explain that her behaviour concerns you and is beyond your capabilities. You want to help but you feel that she needs professional help. Suggest counselling or a support group. My girlfriend claimed that therapy costs too much, so I suggested other options, CBT and meditation can be useful as can mindfulness techniques.My girlfriend dodged counselling, gave up on CBT and is now on mindfulness, which will hopefully help.Good luck!
A
male
reader, anon123123123  +, writes (30 May 2011):
I hope you've been able to deal with your problem, but for others who are dealing with this, I think the best thing you can do is to take a stand and do what you want to do and not what you think she'd want you to do. I know for many people, like me, leaving the relationship isn't something you want to consider when you really love your girlfriend, but she needs to realize that she can't act like this because you don't belong to her. Yes, you are in a relationship with her, but she needs to remember that you are in it by your own choice and that you do have the choice to leave as much as you choose against it. I think the best way to remind her of that is to do your own things. It sounds harder for you since you two live together. I don't live with my girlfriend and she's almost exactly the way you describe your girlfriend as well at times (which is why i googled this in the first place just to see if other people deal with this).
I used to threaten to leave the relationship when things got like this and the worst part was it would work for a while, but its not how i want a relationship to go on forever (to keep having me threaten to leave her when she she starts throwing her angry tantrums at everything that moves around her for weeks on end for reasons nobody around her knows). At the end of the day, leaving her won't help her and if you love her, i'd assume you do want to help her.
I'm always reminded by this one time i said i needed a break from her when she was yelling at me all the time, including in public all the time, and after i asked for a break she came back and cried and said that things are so unfair with her, that her boss is unfair and her family is unfair and now her relationship is unfair cause i keep asking for breaks and stuff (this was probably my mistake in never addressing the fact that I was upset all the time when she yells at me). My girlfriend has this weird idea that men are born to be able to take women's anger. But after that, I realized it had more to do than just me, so I decided I'd never threaten to leave again. You may find out she has other demons she's fighting too, you just need to regain your own independence for your own sanity, while being with her to help her through what she needs to go through.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Sir please read my entire post.
I was in the same exact situation as you. I walked away... and am thankful I did, I now feel as if I have a life again. The longer the wait the more you may resent it. By showing her that you have o problem with walking away it also forces her to realize she needs to relax. Women like to push men to see how far they can get them.. shes taking advantage of that out of you,, dont let her. When I was in this situation i ASKED MYSELF "do I want to look in the mirror 5 years from now and wonder how my life got sucked out of me?" This may sound harsh if you love her as much as you do. But men and women are different in nature. As guy's we need our space, but women have a hard time understanding that... so they just want to spend every second of their lives with us (yes we know girls... you like us and there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with a guy you like). But as guys, for some reason we can't be ourselves when you are there 24/7. How can we can a chance to miss you when you are always there. We build affection when you give us some time away, it actually makes our bond stronger. It all a game of push and pull. But for you my friend I was in this situation for 2 years before I said F-it. I would recommend you just tell her that you need more time to yourself and If she doesn't respect that than you will leave her. She has no choice but to give you the space, or you just walk..very simple. And learn from this lesion. If you meet a new girl, set the boundaries early on in the relationship, look for warning signs she may be bossy and if you detect them make a stand early.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dezert Dog +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hey bro, i know how you feel my girlfriend is the same way she's annoyed at me as I write this all because I wanted to go to bed early, because I have to work at 5am but it doesn't matter to her because she doesnt get it. Its all about her. Pretty much the only thing you can do is ask your self, 'is she worth it or not?' if she is, then you need to start showing her that she needs to calm down and realize that there are things you need to do. No matter if she gets mad, she needs to get over. Because there are things she probably does that bother you, but you won't hesitate to say a word .Because I do the same but I've become a lot better, and it actually works sometimes. So just tell her how you feel and what you think you need to change in your relationship. And see if it's worth it. Let me know how that goes Dzrt Dog
...............................
A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Her behavior is unacceptable. I was thinking about telling you "dump her". I came here looking for answers about my girfriend, she also throws violent tantrums and threatens to leave me. Yesterday, as we were shopping in a cheap place, she threatened to leave me if I bought a nunchaku. I was caught offguard because we were in good terms back then and it was all OK, so I tried to argue. I think I should've said "okay, leave me then". Anyway it's not so bad. For one thing, thankfully, she's not asking me to "pop the questions" that would be the most un-romantic thing I would've heard (and I'm 30). But she does break stuff and throws enraged tantrum, defends herself against reasonable speech... so anyway I noticed one of the other things we have in parallel you and I is that we both don't do much outside the couple. So maybe that would be a good starting point to work on. I also think you should try - not to confront her - but to encourage her or discuss with her going to a therapist. If she takes it bad you can propose going together for couple therapy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Carbar29 +, writes (18 May 2010):
To be honest my good good friend called me overbearing and I took offense to it. I didn't know why. I never bugged him about things he didn't want to answer or talk about, I always tried to be caring hen he was feeling down or depressed. He did never explain why he called me that but he apologized. And know he is my boyfriend. But what I think is happening is a one sided relationship. She isn't taking any concern about you or your feelings especially when you are depressed. I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel and talk about some issues you are having with her. But you do have to take a little bit of concern to her side and maybe she will realize some thongs and so will you. But make sure you give her some space when he is on when of her tantrums if she wants to talk about it I'm sure she would
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): You have a completely one-sided relationship. One one hand she is just going to freak out sometimes. That is her personality. But on the other hand it is also clear that she takes you for granted or else she wouldn't treat you that way. Does she flip out that often on her friends or anyone but you? Probably not. She uses you as a punching bag because she knows no matter how she treats you you're just going to give her more attention and try to make it better.My advice is not to get angry with her and give it back as good as you get it. But you should also not tolerate basically being treated like crap. When she clearly crosses the line, tell her something like, "Don't yell at me, I haven't done anything to you. I'm going to go listen to some music." She needs to know if she treats you like crap you're going to call her on it and not reward it with more attention.One thing that may help is if you are more assertive. You do lots of housework and yet she still acts like this... well obviously the housework isn't helping! You need to take charge much more often in your relationship - choose what you are doing for the date and don't just do everything she asks - and don't get flustered when she freaks out. Be cool and collected.If that doesn't work this may not be the right relationship - of course that is easy for an outsider to say - but consider whether you are really happier than when you were single.
...............................
A
male
reader, sudheer  +, writes (5 September 2009):
 first adjust wid ur gal frnd , if u r a true lover u wont think of her like dat be patient wid her n luv her every time every thng will b ok
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Wow. That sounds like my girlfriend. I am having a hard time dealing with my relationship as well. Your story sounds very similar to mine. I really don't know what to do either.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven thinking about confronting her about counseling is terrifying. I know the reaction would be very dramatic. I just wish she had some of her own ambitions in life. She is not 'passionate' about much. For me, I have a deep love for Art, Music, Health, etc. She knows little to no interest in any of it. She won't go to the gym unless I accompany here, but sometimes I like to work-out alone. Therefore, she thinks it is my fault that she doesn't work-out because 'she would go with me and do anything for me' if I asked. All she seemingly enjoys doing is watching Television. If I ask her if we can turn it off for a few hours a day, she becomes angry, as well. Sometimes I wish she would just give me an inch, and i'd give her a mile, to paraphrase an old tired cliche. I give miles, and I give inches sometimes. She often does great things, but there is still this main central theme underlying everything. I mean, so what if one single day goes good, she seems to be at peace with herself and approachable, when I know it will return, and this is just an exception to a long proven rule. It always is. Many great days tend to end with me setting her off by something such as (For example. last time) not wanting to order out Pizza! She was angry because I didn't want to order Pizza. We had a fantastic day, so why would she sabotage it with such a ludicrously pety thing? It's insane. Like a ticking time bomb, sometimes...
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 January 2007):
 You hit the nail in the head at the beginning of your letter, she is acting like this because of her past. She seems to have some deep psychological problems that she is refusing to address. She seems very angry all the time, you can't do right for doing wrong. She is angry with you, angry with herself and angry with life in general. You try to talk to her about it and she balls you out, that's because you're too close to her. She needs to see a counsellor or therapist to help her deal with her past, it is obviously traumatising her more than you both know.
She seems very "needy" and is looking for "attention" and shouting and being angry is a way of getting it from you. She wants to marry you, as if that will make things right, she's just very insecure and mixed up at the moment. When you're nice to her she doesn't know how to take it. She's probably never been shown love before. I bet she's doing exactly what her parents used to do when she was younger, she's mimicing their actions, the only way she knows how.
She may even be jealous of you, the way you seem "at peace" with life, your hobbies, your music and wishes she could be like this too. Sit down and hold her hand, tell her you know life is very hard for her, tell her to just listen to you and NOT to say anything until you've finished. Make her promise that. Suggest she goes to see someone who can help her with her past demons, tell her you'll even go with her if it helps, but until she sorts herself out in this way then I really don't see things moving on in a positive way for you.
She CAN do this... if she trusts you and you're there to help her through it. Lots of love, reassurance, cuddles and above all patience is all that's needed here and if she seeks the help she will beat this!
Let me know if you need to talk some more about this, feel free to email me if you do.
Eve
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2007): Wow, reading that kind of made me wince. She sounds exactly how I can be sometimes. Except that my husband really doesn't spend enough time with me because he keeps his schedule jam packed with all these things that he needs to do for himself. So I feel like you arent giving your girlfriend any reason to act like this at all. You sound like you are very attentive to her needs and she's not to yours at all. I dont think theres anything you can really do, shes not going to change unless she wants too. I know that the only thing that helped me was to go to counseling for a little while. But if the resentment keeps building up on your part and you never get to talk about it with her than this relationship just sounds like its going to go down hill. Relationships are two sided and like you are just going to all of a sudden freak out one day and she's not going to have any idea why because she never listened to you. Im so sorry, you guys should really try couples counseling so than you could get a chance to talk to her without having to shut down because of her freaking out on you cuz you'll have a mediator.
...............................
|
