A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend has been very distant since the holiday season startedwe're in college, and we've been dating 2 years, she's 19, i'm 23, i started college a bit late but i'm doing great, got a 4.0 last sem...anyway we are in a lot of classes together and we work together very well and everything. we had plans to go on some dates over the holidays but she was traveling home to see her family, her family lives only a couple hours away but she did plan to come back and spend time with me alsowhen she got there she started becoming more and more distant, at first she said she was really sorry because she had to stand me up for one of the days we'd planned, and said she would let me know when she can come again, but as time went on she got more distant and started to say things like "you know, holidays are family time, i haven't seen my family for months and i really need to spend this time with them" and i told her that i understood but our relationship is important too and she stopped responding to me altogether for a weeki tried to talk to her over new years eve because i was honestly scared something may have happened to her, i finally got a hold of her but rather than talking about how we've been doing, instead she took it as me being clingy and told me that i should have known if something bad happened to her she'd make sure i found out, and that she doesn't have time to talk because her family is around.and she told me again that holidays are family time and she and her family need this since she hasn't seen them all semester and so on and so on. i was actually really hurt that she got angry because i was concerned about her.some of my friends think i should dump her right now and tell her that being this way especially over the holidays is completely unacceptable and unforgivable, and they say that i need to run away as fast as i canother friends tell me i should just leave her alone and give her some space but not give up on the relationship yet, and just wait till she's back in school and see if she has anything to say for herself before making any rash decisionsi really do love her, and i consider myself committed to her and want to make it work. i know what she's doing isn't right but i also don't want to just end what we already have. we share so many things in common and normally we get along great and have a blast, sometimes we fight but it's nothing we've never been able to work through before. but her being distant for this long is really unusual for her and scary.should I dump her now? or should I wait for her and hear her out and see if she has anything to say? we do have classes again together next semester so even if i dump her i'll be seeing her like every day, and i'm not even sure how i'm going to handle that...thanks agony aunts Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): thank you for all your replies.
she still hasn't contacted me so i think i will wait till we are in classes together, they start next week, and then see if she approaches me and wants to talk about anything.
my friends who think i should dump her still say there's absolutely no excuse for anyone to go silent over the holiday break, even if it's just for a few days, but my other friends say that one she hasn't actually dumped me and two she's probably under a lot of family pressure and isn't in a mood to fight about seeing her boyfriend and maybe she's just as unhappy about it as i am which might be why she talked to me the way she did, but she couldn't express herself the right way because she was so stressed
i hope that I'm not going to end up single but i can only hope that in a week or so we'll be able to talk this out and work out a plan for next time she is away for an extended period.
i know that she has told me she hates being "glued" to her phone and that the idea of people expecting responses to texts and getting mad if she doesn't answer really bothers her, but at the same time i'm not like asking her to sit and text me for two hours, just a text every other evening to tell me how she's doing and say i love you would be fine with me when she has to be away...
thanks again aunts
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): There is a good chance her family were not happy with her plans to see you if they were looking forward to spending time with her. They have not seen her in a whole semester so probably thought they were going to get her all to themselves for a while, and if she said she'd made other plans they might have been a bit disappointed. My family are the exact same, it's just because they care and miss her. It's natural for her to want to make them happy (and if course she will want to catch up with them too), so it looks like your plans are the ones that had to go. Plus remember they are probably supporting her while she is in college so she will still have something of an bligation to put them first at the moment. I don't think you should take it personally. Leave her alone for now and give her a chance to miss you and I'm sure she'll get back in touch.
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A
male
reader, jtfletcher +, writes (3 January 2013):
If you want the right to insist upon her attention, you need to marry her. As long as your not married, you have no right to demand anything of her.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 How about this take on it? She couldn't spare any time to see you over Christmas? Not even one evening? How long is the Christmas holidays there? Here in England we get a week (2 if you're at college).
I'm sure I can find one evening to meet with someone I want to be with out of one week.
If the holiday's only a few days then fair enough.
However, if it's a week or longer then I don't think you're being high maintenance at all. One evening?
Maybe she isn't that into you? Sounds like you spend a lot of time together inside and outside college. Having said that you've been dating 2 years so it's not exactly new. What did you do last year?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013):
It's hard this one... I agree with candy cares to a certain point.. But I do have to admit that when people are in love they go out their way to contact their other half, it isn't that you have both just started dating.. You have been a couple for 2years ..
So I think that your gf has an underlying issue regarding your relationship . It's unusual to not want any contact . I mean a good morning how you and brief summary at night of how your day went is normal the thing when your with family and enjoying the festive season
. I think it's unreasonable for you to want her to met up with you when she just home.. So text her and apologise tell her you realise she needs this family time, that you do miss her and maybe you could text twice a day gd morning and a goodnight, you can say because she the first person you think of when you awake and the last person you wanta dream of.. Be a sweet and maybe you can turn this around..
Other than that wait it out until she back..
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 I am afraid that I'll give you exactly the same answer as your gf : Xmas vacations are family time, they haven't seen her for a semester, they need to be with her, and, I'm sure, viceversa. All this time and distance boils down to, what, less than a couple of weeks ?
Her mistake was to promise you dates then standing you up, she should have planned better and managed her time better,I understand how disappointed you are. But , consider how easy it is to get involved with parents, old friends, family celebrations and courtesy calls during the -short- holiday season, at times it's hard to juggle committments, and people who live at a distance from their family and " regular " life often feel they need a full immersion .
I don't find it so strange that she needs some unstructured time for herself and her family, without the obligation to call you at certain set times . Maybe she was also worried that you'd start pressuring for her to travel back two hours and meet you ( confess:), you would have done it if she had given you the opportunity ). With her parents protesting : Oooohhh... you 've just barely come back, and now you have to go and run back to spend time with a boy ? Can't he WAIT till January ? ( yes he can :)
I realize that it would have been more flattering and comforting to you to have a less independent gf that was
pining for you ,hating the distance, and stealing every free moment to call you. But, see the glass half full, she may not be too romantic, but she is independent ( always a good thing ) has other sources of gratification and support other than the relationship ( which, believe it or not, ultimately is good too ) and is family oriented and a caring daughter.
Pardon me, my friend, but you do sound a bit high maintenance, it's not as if she all of a sudden disappeared and went incommunicado and you've lost her coordinates : you know where she is doing what, you have talked to her since when she left, I suppose you'll have exchanged Xmas wishes and happy new year wishes... and if she ooes not contact you for 3-4 days it does not have to mean necessarily she is seriously ill or had an accident, in which case, as she told you, you would have been duly informed.
Relax, give her space, and when she is back explain her in a non whiny way that you don't handle well time apart the way she did it this time, and that you need to renegotiate the rules about communications and distance etc., so that you can reach an acceptable compromise.
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