A
female
age
36-40,
*ropdusterPotus
writes:I have been with my boyfriend now for quite some time. We have always had a wild and awesome sex life, and I can't say I've ever really been disappointed... until recently.My boyfriend has always had a very high sex drive for me, and I for him. Lately, however, I feel as if I am constantly being rejected. I know for a fact that he is not cheating on me. For the past two months, I could count the times we have had sex on one hand, when in the past I would have needed a calculator and a calendar to figure it out. I come on to him regularly, being sexy, rubbing on him, lingerie, and everything I know he likes... but almost every time, I'm left with a, "I'm just too tired," or, "I'm not in the mood."I understand being tired or not in the mood every so often, but it's getting ridiculous. I am starting to feel terrible over this situation, because nothing I do seems to be enough to turn him on. To make matters worse, I'm approaching "that time of the month," which he very well knows makes my desire for intimacy ten fold.I've spoken with him about this, and he assures me that it's not anything about me. He shows love and affection for me constantly, and our kisses are just as frequent and passionate as they have always been... the only thing that is lacking is the intimacy.This situation is really beginning to wear on me. My confidence is taking one big hit after the other as each of my advances on him is rejected. I dont know any other way to describe the feeling either, other than the word "rejected." Even if he says he's attracted to and loves me, it doesn't change the fact that I'm feeling like I'm just too ugly or not wild enough to entice him, and that feeling grows each time he turns me down. I am feeling less and less confident, and I'm growing less and less likely to make a move on him at all. I don't know if he realizes that he's making me too scared to touch him at all, which is something I honestly never thought I'd come to.I love this man more than any other I've ever been with, but I don't know how to handle these feelings of rejection. I don't know how to talk to him without sounding whiny and pathetic, and the last thing I want is to start an argument over something like this. It may sound petty, but sex has always been a big part of our relationship, and I don't want to let it go or be scared of it.
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confidence, in the mood, move on, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Sounds a lot like the last six months in our house.
I'm 52 and I've got a much higher drive than my 39 yr old hubby. He feels ugly and fat since he gained weight and not sexy... it really killed his drive...
and I was injured during sex early last year (back issues) and it turned out he was afraid to hurt me again...
I kept asking and he was cuddly and loving and kissy but he kept saying "it's not you" and it wasn't. but i could not believe this. and it made me feel unloved.
have you two considered some counseling to help figure out how to communicate better?
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Despite what the stereo-type for men is, we don't want it all day every day. Intimacy is not just about sex. You say he shows affection, cuddles, kisses, etc. That's intimacy. Sex is part of it but it's not the be all and end all.
Just hold back a bit. When he's in the mood he'll let you know.
I've been through this myself and I just had a lot on. I didn't want to do it all the time. I said the same things, "it's not you" I'm just not in the mood.
Don't worry. It's when the affection stops, kissing and cuddles, thats when you've got to worry. For a man sex is different to affection (kisses and cuddles).
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (3 January 2013):
 It does sound a bit odd but impossible to know why without asking him more questions or finding out if anything else is going on.
Maybe he doesn't have the high sex drive you thought he did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): I think you need to not base your self esteem on his reaction to you because it very well could have nothing to do with you at all.
Stop initiating then you wont get rejected. Instead just wait for him to initiate whenever that may be. If he isn't feeling up to it lately then all the more you should back off and let him set the pace. Think of it as playing it cool and staying in control of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (3 January 2013):
 You're right sex is a big part of anyones relationship, and you shouldn't be worrying how you sound when you discuss something that matters to you. In my opinion its better to sound 'whiny and pathetic' than to keep your problems cooped up in your mind with nowhere to go.Before you let it make a dent in your confidence you need to take in the other factors that may play a part in the decreasing of his libido.It can be anything from Work/Home/Family/Any stress related issues to Diet/Alcohol/Smoking/Drugs or even Medication.Don't be scared to bring up anything thats hurting you, you're mean't to love, understand and be there for eachother, just keep it cool and calm and let him know you're there to work it out not to pick a fight.Good luck.xx
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