A
female
age
41-50,
*inkhawk
writes:I have been with my bf for 3 years and want to get some advise on what to do from here. I have no one to talk to and need to vent too. Our relationship has been a rocky on and off, I cheated, he cheated, I kicked him out, he got deported, cheated on me and lied about it, I moved to Turkey to be with him this last summer and things got bad. We had nasty fights, where I would call him names, put him down and he would hit me and I would fight back, he put me down, calling me fat, miss piggy, and the worst names imaginable. I was no saint, as I let the emotions get the best of me and being so emotional I let myself get out of control. We had a lot of good moments and when he's sweet, he is a totally different person, it's just he is bi polar and has a dark side and I know and tend to trigger this demon by putting him down. I know I need help and I have an anger problem,but I just don't know if we can ever be the same, like how we were in the beginning. My aunt told me that the best a relationship will ever get is the first week your with the other person and she is so true! I want us to work and we have so much in common, I just can't control my jealousy, and my insecurities are from him. The women he slept with while lying to me were all skinny and he seems to only care about me getting skinny for him to be "healthy" which I want to do, no matter what. It's just he and I plan on giving us another shot this Feb, as he is flying me back there. I am having second thoughts and doubts. We even got into an argument on Skype over the the women he hosted in his house from couch surfing...he swears he didn't sleep with them and I even emailed some and most said no, there is only one woman I have my doubts with cause he took her for a motor bike ride and she got all prissy when I asked if she did anything with him! Ugh Im sure this all sounds like a soap opera and I don't think I can trust him anymore. I have found him in so many lies and I cannot stand liars! Not to mention him threatening me that if I don't come back he will sleep around. He swears he loves me and he wants to make me happy...Should I just forget him and move on, or is there such thing as a second and last chance for love.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Simply put, this isn't a relationship at all. There's no going back after this toing and froing and all the cheating. That's just the way it is.
You cannot trust each other, there's no loyalty, no integrity, no honesty, no respect. You just hurt each other. It's over.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 January 2013):
If you were to right down the positives in one column it would say "I love him." The negatives would be that epic drama you just wrote. In this case the love loses as it's easy enough to find; you don't have move to Turkey and be with someone who makes you miserable to find it.
This is a no brainer if I've ever seen one. To put it bluntly: you'd have to be an idiot to go back to him.
Yes, love can get a second chance, but without resolving the issues that you had in the first place there is literally zero chance for things to be better. Him threatening to sleep around if you don't go see him doesn't really sound like anything has changed, does it?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Sorry to have to say this but your Aunt is wrong. Yes in the very beginning you have infatuation. That does not last very long and it's when you hardly know the person but are consumed with a crush.
Good foundations are important. And if there are good foundations early on from the infatuation stage then the relationship starts to grow. The trust is high and you work things out with discussions. Sometimes you argue but it never degenerates into nasty cruel name calling if the trust and respect is high.
You do have one complication and that is that your man has an illness. Is he seeing a doctor regularly? Is he fully medicated or does he choose to forget his medication sometimes? Has his Doctor arranged for him to access regular sessions with a therapist? If the answers are no or sometimes then your partner is putting you through unreasonable pressure. And his illness is no justification for him being unfaithful or abusive.
You also admit that you have an anger management issue and you know you need to tackle that problem, though it is linked to the above problem. In fact I think you are buckling under the pressure.
And there are some seriously toxic issues. It was YOU who chose to get him kicked out. Then you relented and joined him in Turkey.
But it's not working is it? He is at least flirting and may well be a very attractive man physically. But perhaps he's still not ready to be a one man woman. He takes some risks. He can be disrespectful. And the two of you fight dirty. That's mean.
If this was a healthy relationship you would be growing closer together emotionally. Even disagreements would be respectful and would not degenerate to the point where you each use nasty names to hurt each other.
The two of you are egging each other on. It must be horrible to be in the middle of this mess.
You are in the middle of a toxic abusive relationship and sadly you are both contributing to the toxicity. It goes around and around in a cycle.
Here is an article about this abuse cycle. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
He’s nice sometimes. You’re nice most of the time. He thinks when you’re nice that things are looking up. And you think when he’s nice that finally he starting to be nice again. But then the problems and the little niggles start to get meaner and very soon a full on altercation starts up again. And once the sorry this and sorry that are said it goes back into the nice stage. The two of you could try to rebuild the relationship and that would take a lot of work. The commitment would be enormous. And then there are the issues with his illness.
Find a way to fly home on what appears to be a holiday. Say it is a holiday, though do take any small sentimental things that you would not want to lose Or better still, in the month before you do go on your “holiday” post back to family some things you could not bear to lose forever. So by the time you do go your suitcase is just personal clothing etc. It really does not matter if you leave some clothing behind to make it look as if you are coming back. You will never see the things you leave behind. Things can always be replaced. Cut all contact while you are away. At the end of three months review if you ever want to go back or if you feel better without all the fighting.
Let him threaten to sleep around all he likes. If you choose to leave him you will not have to put up with his threatened behaviour.
And do you have another chance of finding happiness. Absolutely.
Yes.
But I doubt the happiness will be with him.
You should first tackle that anger management issue. Otherwise the same problem will keep on reoccurring in other relationships in the future. Just as his propensity to lie will keep on occurring in his future relationships until he wakes up to the fact that telling lies is destructive and hurtful in a relationship.
Once you have the anger management issue under control then start thinking of ways to meet good people in good situations. Forget online dating. Embrace new adventures and new activities where you meet interesting people and take part in interesting activities. Get out of your comfort zone to ensure you meet people who can enrich your life and are peaceful and respectful.
If you keep on doing the same thing. Even in another city or another country, then you will get the same result. That’s why it’s important that you do explore many other options and try to learn new skills and meet new people.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
A very positive outlook would not hurt either. Problems are there to be solved. Problems are not solved by throwing insults at a partner
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 No second chance for men who hit you.
I know that now you are going to tell me that it's also your fault because you have an anger problem, and you fight back ( ... still better than staying still and letting him beat you to a pulp ) and you put him down, and somehow you bring out his dark side etc. etc.
I'll pretend I am deaf, and obtuse, and I'll repeat :
no second chance for physically abusive men.
I'll also glide over the fact that a relationship so riddled with all the shenanigans you describe might be about passion but very difficulty it will be about love,-that would be a long debate, which anyway is made irrelevant by the consideration that - yes, you guessed it - : no, no second chance for physically abusive men.
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