A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and i have been going out for over 7 months now. We have done a lot of things but never actually had sex. I am still a virgin, but she had sex once a couple years ago. She says the guy used her and really hurt her and she doesn't want it to happen again. We've talked about sex a couple times, but she says that she would feel like she was being used again if we had sex and is afraid she would get hurt emotionally. I have assured her that i would never use her cuz i'm not that kind of guy or do anything to hurt her, seeing as we've been together so long, and she says she understands but still just doesn't feel good about it. I really feel that making love to her would bring our relationship closer, and i want to prove to her that i'm not the kind of guy that would use her or ever hurt her, what can i do?
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female
reader, mona-lisa-cries  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 i agree with everyone else, i think a way to proove to her that you really do love her and ou dont want sex is to sleep with her, but dont have sex....make her feel comfortable, let her come around on her own time and dont push her.
A
female
reader, down to earth +, writes (8 May 2007):
 i understand your girlfriend has been hurt in the past ans she dnt want that to happen agen, i think u need to sit down nd talk to her tell her you will never hurt har and that you will wait untill she is ready.support her dnt push her just wait because you dnt want her to think your qa bad guy and your actully gd.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): try talking to her let her no your with for just sex. tell her how you feel. don't pressure her otherwise she'll start thinking your only in it for sex. just wait i'm sure it will be more meaningful if you both want to do it.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 The best way you can prove that you're 'not that kind of guy' is to not sleep with her, as she's requested. That's really not the answer you want to hear of course.
7 months is a long time, I can totally understand your frustration. I was with my first girlfriend from age 15 to 17 and we never had intercourse. It drove me crazy on occasion. And in your case, your girlfriend isn't a virgin, which must be doubly frustrating.
For her to want to have sex with you she's going to have to really trust you, and especially trust that you're not going to leave her after you've had sex. Since you've been together 7 months this is a bit irrational (if you just wanted sex I doubt you'd have stayed around). But none the less, she needs to feel this. The best thing you can do is take the pressure off in terms of sex: stop making demands and tell her it's there when she wants it, but not until. Then focus on being emotionally supportive and the best boyfriend that you can be. The more you two become intimate (as in sharing your hopes, fears and innermost secrets) then the more she'll trust you over time.
There is one other possibility. It may be that she didn't tell the truth about having sex before because she was ashamed to admit she is a virgin. It's not uncommon. Having said that she'd possibly be too ashamed to admit she lied. Maybe it's something you should consider, although only you two will know if that's what happened.
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (8 May 2007):
Well, obviously you are "some kind of guy" because you think sex will bring the two of you closer.
What a load of bull... You want sex, she's uncertain and/or against it completely.
If you want sex, date a nympho. If you want to date this girl, be the man she needs and just limit yourself to holding her. When she feels absolutely safe and secure, she'll loosen up a bit, but until then put your hormones in a box.
Letting her know that you find her desirable is fine, and even dandy. Asking her to submit to sex before she's ready is akin to rape. When she's ready you'll know, because she'll probably trip you into the bed and tear your clothes off. Anything short of that will probably only make her mental pain worse, and if you loved her wouldn't even ask such a silly question.
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