A
male
age
51-59,
*nics
writes:I'm a 42 year old guy, married for 18 years and split up for a year or so. We had problems for the last couple of years and we both decided instead of working things out, we split up. After I left she got a boyfriend instantly which told me she'd moved on so I got busy with my life. I had no contact with her for a couple months but when her boyfriend didn't work out for her she started calling me. I brushed her off but after a while she would use any lame-ass excuse to talk to me. So I asked her if we should try again,s he sort of agreed. I put my life on hold and started talking with her several times a day. I thought she was sincere until I caught her lying about sleeping around. She continues to lie to me about her one nite stands. She won't sleep with me but wants to chat constantly - to me she is cheating - I don't sleep around. If she doesn't want me why won't she just tell me instead of using me and driving me crazy. Should I end this charade? I'm frustrated and confused. Why would she do this?
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male
reader, dnics +, writes (13 May 2007):
dnics is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is the follow up to your advice and the outcome of our heart to heart.
I took your advice and confronted her about the 'dating' other guys while still keeping connected to me. She swears she's not sleeping around and not looking for anyone - even when I have first hand info she still denies it.
I told her she wants the relationship part without the commitment - her reply was anger at first then she became sad. She wants to take it slow as do I but 9 months of this slowness is getting tired especially when there are a few women interested in a relationship with me but how can I.
I ask her out for coffee, diner or just hang out like other dates do just to see if there is something left between us. She would always refuse but lately she has obliged but seems cold and distant, ignors me or acts all happy when her friends are around. I tell her this is rude and leave but she chases me back. A friend of mine says she's doing this to punish me for something and there is nothing I can do about it if I keep letting her. The more I ignore HER the more persistant she is in contacting me. Her main response to my questions are "let me come to you" or "don't boss me" or 'give me time'or 'I just need to be alone right now' I'm an easy going guy but lately I've fought with her, yelled at her and she seems to enjoy it which confuses me even more. I can't seem to get anything solid out of her except she will look me in the eye and say "if you decide to move on I will pack up and leave". I don't want to force us into anything but I also don't want her to leave her hometown. We built as successful business together which I left for her and she's good at running it. Leaving would probally destroy her.
I tell her I still love her and miss her.
Maybe some of you women out there can shed a little lite on what it is she really wants or what she is doing.
I've agreed in part to let time go by but I will not - cannot sit around forever. When is enough, enough.
A
male
reader, dnics +, writes (8 May 2007):
dnics is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responses. I know what to do is more or less the advice you all have given me. It's time to have a heart to heart with her. I will let you's know the outcome and thanks again. I will post more questions as I'm still learning how to deal with this.
Thanks
D
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 I agree with aunts, she is using you for emotional security but isn't the slightest bit interested in a commitment. She may also want to play around but doesn't want you to move on and maybe find a new love. I think I would tell her that her behavior indicates that she isn't all that serious about your relationship and that you need to move on with your life. Then try to do so. Good luck buddy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): Tell her straight up your not interested in this crap and that if she wants to seriously make it work then she needs to stop sleeping around/dating and put 100% into it! Otherwise you want nothing more to do with her, then move on and concentrate on your life.
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A
male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (8 May 2007):
Okay, your ex-wife is using you. Don't get sucked into her drama.
Tell her to leave you alone. If she refuses, change your number. If she stalks your email, get that changed or arrange with your ISP to bounce emails from her back to her as undeliverable.
If she persists, get a restraining order.
And while you're doing all this, get out there live a little. You don't have to go jump into a relationship, but making friends with women won't hurt. In fact, it may help you keep yourself from sliding into a vulnerable depression. Just don't turn around and take out your anger and frustration with your ex-wife on your next couple relationships.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Hmmm. This doesn't sound too good to me. It seems that your wife is scared of being alone and single. Initially she had a boyfriend so she was fine, but after that ended she made contact with you again. I suspect she was lonely. However, it's obvious that she doesn't want to return to a proper relationship with you if she constantly sleeps around. It sounds as though she's enjoying the freedom of meeting other men, but wants you there as a back up. I think you need to discuss this with her thoroughly and get a commitment from her. Either she does want to try again or she doesn't. If she does want to try again then she has to work at it. That means NOT meeting other men and possibly you should go together for couple counselling. If she's just using you as someone to have around 'just in case' then it's not fair on you and you need to end this. I hope you get it sorted out one way or another. Best of luck.
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