A
male
 ,
*eithym
writes:Hi there, I could do with some advice on my girlfriend’s reaction to finding porn on my computer!I know it's understandable my girlfriend of 4 mths should not be happy with this, but she was completely devastated when she found out as if I had just cheated on her. Since then, everytime she has been coming round to my house, she has been rooting in my drawers, checking up on my internet history, examining my phone. She is also now trying to control me, checking up on me when I'm on a night out with my friends, constantly worried in case I would ever cheat on her. I have reassured here that I would never cheat on her and I really like her but I cant help finding other women’s bodies attractive. Is that such a crime? All this is making my life a misery and my feelings for her are really starting to fade.So guys, is this a normal reaction from a woman or is she over reacting? Even slightly? Is it such a bad thing to look at porn? Ok it may be a bit sad but I cant help being turned on by other women’s bodies. I have a high sex drive and need to masturbate when ‘s she’s not with me. I’d be interested to know people’s opinions on this, male or female.ThanksKeith
View related questions:
porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Dash, I'm awfull, I just can't leave this one alone... LOL
There are two points of view... Here's a link to the anti-porn camp, this is how they feel. Here you will be able to get help and advice if you wish to stay with your girlfriend and try to give up porn and make her happy.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-lied-about-watching-porn-now-i.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Sorry, it seems the porn issues has again highjacked this post, but I'm sorry dear caller, this is a hot topic of debate on dear cupid.
Hi, Ms Anonymous, you know what Benjamin Disraeli said about statistics (we'll ignore the lawyers and the lies they tell) "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
"Even God says it is cheating to lust after someone other than your wife, girlfriend" We're not sure if this man is religious or not, we're not sure if he even believes in God.
Unfortunately men like to masterbate, and they like to look at porn when their alone to help them masterbate quickly. If the don't masterbate and let out their seed that God has put into them, then the have wet dreams and the seeds spills out and messes up the sheets. You need to be a little bit more realistic, you might like cleaning, but I certainly don't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): "This is a problem but I see no sensible resolution unless men learn to compromise and decrease their porn usage and keep it private and women learn to accept that this thing goes on" Diovanlestat
THAT WAS A WHOLE PILE OF CRAP. I must be mad, what am I saying... NO, NO, NO..... That makes no sense at all.
People need to become more secure wtihin themselves and the world they live in. People need to learn to compromise and understand each other's differences. People need to take responsiblity for themselves and their actions, and people need to be aware that they have the right to hate or love whatever they want. PORN IS NOT THE ISSUE, but these things are. Love is not about control and insecurity, it should be a joyfull thing with happiness. Same goes for sexual pleasure in any form it takes. People got to stop believing the LIE that "love is blind" it's not, if your blind you got a physical and mental problem and you should go to the doctor right away. That's why I'm pro-porn and why I think people need to get the issue straight.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): I think that most people, both men and women, are like oldfool, DiovanLestat, my wife and me. We all are tolerant of porn if it does not detract from our daily lives or our attention to our partners. We actually like porn and like to watch it with our partners. Yes, some porn can be degrading to both men and women. There is bondage porn both ways. There is also amateur porn that is more realistic to what a normal couple do. The one thing that I wish were different about all porn is the time spent by the man getting the woman aroused. Even the most realistic porn shows the woman spending time giving the guy oral, but there is very little time showing the guy giving the woman oral and kissing her all over. I think that this can make men think that this is how lovemaking should be done. Perhaps this is why some women complain that their partner doesn’t spend enough time at foreplay. My wife has told me that her experience before she met me was like that. A lot of guys thought that she should be happy just getting screwed. I do think that porn portrays sex like that too much.
Some people say that porn is too degrading to women. I wonder what it is that they consider degrading. Is it the things that I talked about in the first paragraph? Is it that the guy smacks the women’s butt while he is screwing her doggy? Well, my wife happens to like that sometimes. Some women like to be spanked if it is done just right. There are even articles and books that describe how to do it so that it feels good. Some men also like that in some ways.
Oldfool talked about some of the more far out porn. Some people do like to watch that occasionally, but as he said, that doesn’t mean that a person would want to do that. Men and women both have fantasies that they would never want to do. Some women fantasize about being gang banged by 20 guys, but would never even want to be with 2 guys at a time. Some men get turned on by imagining their wife being gang banged by 20 guys also, but would not their wife to even get screwed by one other man. Porn is just a fantasy. My wife and I have even learned some things from porn. There are some things that we have seen that we frequently use and enjoy.
Yes, porn can cause problems and become addictive. Porn can cause a person to ignore his or her partner. Drinking can also become addictive. Watching soaps operas in the afternoon can also become addictive. I have known women who were addicted to the soaps, at the exclusion of spending time with their children. I suppose that the porn haters think that that addiction is fine. Heck, even religion can become an addiction. There are people who spend so much time on their religion that it interferes with their life with their families. Anything, I repeat, ANYTHING, can become an addiction and a serious problem. How many men and women love their jobs so much that they don’t spend time with their families? Too many these days.
Lighten up, porn haters. Examine yourselves and what your addiction is. What is it that prevents you from showing affection or caring for your partner? Does the time you spend ranting against porn and contributing to the anti-porn sites take away from your time from your partner or family?
Again, I must stress that compromise is possibly the most important thing in any relationship. Without the ability for both partners to compromise, the relationship will not be a good one.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): Hi Keithym,
Yes, as everyone knows I am pro-porn as long as it's moderate and healthy. Addictions are addictions and are not specific to porn. However as Oldfool ahs said there is such a large source of pornography and erotic stuff, that to focus on the extreme is very unfair. Pornography and erotica cover everything from ancient writings to modern magazines, and even hollywood films.
However back to the problem at hand. My main concern is how much control a person should have over another person once their in a relationship. This is the thing that makes the porn issue so difficult. it dosen't seem to be an issue about communication. There are women like the first lady, who think that it is sick, does this mean that people who look at it are sick too? There are other people who support it and can see no harm, but this dosen't help when your girlfriend is crying and threatening to leave, or hates it because it can be exploitative towards women. All I ask for is a healthy compromise, cause personally I can't see what the problem is. "He loves porn than me", "She hates porn more than she loves me". This is somewhat childish, and a thing that should bring pleasure drives people apart and causes so much pain.
A lot of women are insecure about porn, they think they have done something wrong and are not attractive. They also see it as a sign that their partner no longer loves them and is will one day cheat. Their thinking is illogical. A woman dosen't stop loving a man because she likes to watch George Clooney films. So why should a man act that way. They also don't realise that they have been seduced by the lie that "love makes you blind".
As has been said, it's unlikely that this woman will be happy and it's unlikely that she will change. She has a right to hate porn, but she needs to be with somebody who will never, ever look. As you've noticed, her doubts now reach into every area of your life. This obsession just gets worse and worse, she no longer trusts you just because you had a look at some computerized stuff. She's probably getting nervous when you walk down the street, just in case you see another woman and leave her.
This relationship won't get any better. You really need to get out. As you say her behaviour is destroying any love you have. Please be kind, tell her that you care for her, but you realise that you are very different people. She will be upset and it will add to her insecurities, but that's her problem not yours. Some women even put up with porn, just to keep their man. But they hate it and stay resentfully married and continue to fret and worry.
You could promise to stop looking at porn, other women and anything that might drive her mad, but one day you'll slip up and she'll start worrying you can't keep promises and lie to her at every chance you get. There is nothing you can do, as I said it's her problem not yours. This is a problem but I see no sensible resolution unless men learn to compromise and decrease their porn usage and keep it private and women learn to accept that this thing goes on. But as you say you only use it when she's not around and this still upsets her. This woman is too controlling and you will become unhappier over time. I don't think this relationship is making you happy and it causes her pain, so again porn wins the battle whilst everyone else looses out.... So sad, so unnecessary.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 I mentioned that porn made women feel insecure and disrespected because so many women who dislike porn have cited this as the reason.
There is porn and there is porn. Yes, there is animal sex and pissing on women. There are also women pissing on men. I actually don't mind looking at this kind of stuff occasionally (once in a blue moon) because it is kinky. I don't propose to go out and do it (or most of it), anyway. But it's a turn-on because it is so forbidden and beyond the pale.
As for "degradation": there are people who enjoy degradation in sex in real life. They are the kind of people who are into BDSM. If some people don't like it, too bad. You don't have to do it yourself. I don't think anyone has the right to tell other people to contain their sexuality within their own preconceived bounds.
I am certainly not defending porn addiction, which seems to me a problem because it destroys healthy sex in a relationship, that is, the addict would rather spend most of his waking hours looking at porn than making love. Men who have a porn addiction simply shouldn't have a girlfriend. They should stick to getting their rocks off on porn.
But moderate consumption of porn, including even some hardcore stuff, doesn't seem a problem to me -- although personally I prefer porn that makes you feel like having sex with a woman. That includes soft porn. There's no need to see every convolution in a woman's labia; it's quite enough to behold the sight of a beautiful woman abandoning herself to the enjoyment of sex.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Almost any habit can be taken to harmful excess, certainly including porn.
But the majority of men in relationships who get attacked fo watching porn aren't in this category. They're just normal men that are failing to think & act like normal women would in their situation.
There seems to be more and more of a push to make this "failure to be female" into a crime these days. At the very least, it's increasingly considered a sign of bad moral character.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): I wish that women wouldn't be accused of being insecure and jealous of these women in porn, I don't like porn because it is not healthy for your sexuality and for some although a small minority, it becomes addictive.Porn does not teach men how to please women, it teaches men how to be selfish. It is disrespectful to women, violent towards them, degrading...and don't tell me this isnt' true with animal sex and pissing on women! It has nothing to do with me being insecure or jealous to say, I don't see any value in the stuff. And, the bible does make a statement on this subject, a very well known statement....for whomsoever looks at a woman with lust, has already commited adultery in their heart. Even God says it is cheating to lust after someone other than your wife, girlfriend etc.Some women just really don't see the value in the stuff. You and your girlfriend have some honest choices to make. Either both of you can live with your use of the stuff, or you can live without it....but as long as you disagree on this, your relationship is doomed.20 years ago, this was not a subject that was debated. Now attorneys are siting porn in 50% of divorce cases, it IS a serious issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tigger3165  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 she is over reacting... people watch porn, that's just the way it is... if its not an addiction, or controlling your life (i do know people who ended up not paying enough attention to their significant other because of porn), then its not a problem... it used to bother me, but i decided to take the naughtiness out of it... joke about it, i've even watched it with my fiance... i don't see the big draw... but if its not getting in the way of your relationship, i don't think its a big deal...
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (12 July 2008):
 How would you react if it was the other way around, if you found her masturbating and fantasizing about other men. Men with better bodies then yours, there are plenty out there after all.
How does that make you feel if when she is with you she might be thinking about someone else. Even if it just his body.
Not good right? Well the same goes for her. It just ain't so nice to find out that the person you are with looks at others and masturbates to them. It really is a bit like cheating. Especially the way you descibe it because you don't watch porn for the sex act but to look at other women.
If she doesn't watch porn (not even the harlequin book kind) then she might not need it and then she might be upset that you do need it. If you are enough for her why isn't she enough for you?
Yes, you might consider it over-reacting, but you also should consider how it looks for her.
There is no right or wrong in this situation, just two people who need to consider the other.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): I think she's totally over reacting. and becoming way too paranoid and obsessive no wonder you are going off her!So you had porn on your computer? so what, so how is it totally different to reading a saucy novel or reading the sex bits in lady mags?!!!I bet she's got books with steamy sex bits in that she got turned on by, so whats the difference?She seriosuly needs to chill out, you sound like a decent guy so whats a bit of porn? she needs to seriously re evaluate her over reaction and think about whats important
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (12 July 2008):
 Hi Keith
Well prsonally i think she has over reacted a tad. You dont say how old/young she is. Sounds crazy but it can sometimes have some bearing. I used to hate anything to do with porn as a teen, even when i was a 20 something. Not now, i am 37. Age and experience has taught me that its nothing personal! Its just that guys are more visual than women!
BUT i feel for your girl, simply because ive been where she is at. And it does have you feeling that you are being compared when you have that mindset.
Have a chat with her and explain to her the best you can, that you are a man! hehe i know, sounds like stating the obvious, but men are visual and like to look! Its as simple as that and only complex if you let it be.
Do some research on the net about it. Together.
C xxxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): To the anon female who hates porn ("well personally i think that porn is sick....."): I think that your response is very fair. You have every right to hate porn and I think that you were very fair in your response to the OP about what he should do.
By the way, I forgot to mention to the OP: From what you have told us, I think that your use of porn is normal. I also had a high sex drive when I was younger and used porn for sexual relief. My girlfriend didn't mind at all and we would watch it together. After 29 years together, we still watch together at times. She never felt threatened because it never intruded on my affection for her or the time that I spent with her. It just added to the excitement of our sex life at times.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Please read this question from a woman who was bothered by her boyfriend watching porn:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
I think this will answer most of your questions. Please pay particular attention to what DiovanLestat has written. Some of us think that it is the best thought out words that we have seen on this subject.
Many of us, including Diovan and myself, believe that a moderate amount of porn is fine, as long as it is not excessive and does not interfere with daily life. That would include paying attention to your partner sexually. If porn intrudes into your love life then it is excessive. If you use it as you say then I see no problem at all.
Also note that we have helped the woman in the above question to understand that porn does not mean that her boyfriend does not want her or that he desires the porn actresses. I believe that she is the only one who we have gotten to see the other point of view. Based on this, I don't see much hope for you and your girlfriend. I hope that I am wrong, but she is so excessively controlling that I doubt that she will change. If her attitude were less extreme then I would see hope for you and her to be able to compromise. Unfortunately, unless you give in to her every wish, I think you are in for a life of constant control with her. Perhaps you should show her the other post to read what Diovan and others have said to Jessica.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (12 July 2008):
There are a lot of threads about this. You might do a search of "Dear Cupid" using the keywork "porn".
It's a fact that guys often don't take porn terribly seriously. On the other hand, the previous poster is, unfortunately, typical of the reaction that many females come out with. Many women are made to feel extremely insecure by porn, feeling that their boyfriend is comparing them with the porn actresses. They also feel that the boyfriend is not showing them respect by not respecting their wishes.
The situation usually gets worse and worse. The woman is completely intolerant of porn, causing the male to try and cover it up, leading to accusations of lying and dishonesty.
You should look at some of the threads for the advice that is given. There is a strong anti-porn at any costs camp (usually women) and there is a more balanced "don't let it get to you, it's a guy thing" camp. There are also a few people who sing the praises of porn as "educational", although these are in the minority.
The best summing up of the pro-moderate porn viewing camp was posted by Diovan Lestat, who wrote: "You can be sure he loves you more than he loves porn, but it's equally sure that you hate porn more than you love him". Without toleration, communication, and honesty in the relationship, things can rapidly go on the rocks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): well personally i think that porn is sick, and i dont understand why people would want to watch it, does she not give you enough pleasure to keep you satisfied? you may find outher women attractive and thats normal, but i do think that by always being on your case she is overreacting. tell her how you feel, and if she doesnt like how you are then its not worth your time.
best of luck.
...............................
|
