A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I need some sound advice. I'm caucasian and my girlfriend is asian. We both get along great except for one big issue in our lives, and that revolves around how she worries about how some in her community may frown upon interracial dating.Whenever she gets invited to get-tegethers where those attending are Asian, she goes by herself in order to avoid the risk of losing face. Of course I'm bothered that she would associate with people who would be so closed-minded about our relationship. We've argued about this several times, but she sees nothing wrong with what she's doing.She believes that this is part of life and that I should accept the situation as it is. I disagree, and part of me worries that as she gets more involved within her community, I could be increasingly left out. However, another part of me wonders whether my girlfriend might be right about my making too big a deal out of this.So basically I'm left feeling not quite sure in what direction to take this. What advice can you give me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 I wouldn't be with someone who was ashamed to be seen with me with family or friends because off my color or race. The bottom line is she knows deep down her family or close friends won't accept you and she is ashamed to bring you to these gatherings because off them. Sorry but to me that is racism and I would never be in a relationship with someone who thinks it is okay to leave me out.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (8 April 2017):
 Personally I would not date anyone who was not proud to be seen with me. I've been on both sides of the fence regarding this issue: The one who did not want to be seen with my partner (I did not feel comfortable being seen with him because deep down I knew I was not ready to make whatever sacrifices I needed to make to include him in my life. In other words I was not in love him); and the one who was hidden (I felt rejected and was deeply hurt when this happened). In both relationships it did not work out.
It feels so much better to be in a relationship where your partner just loves you to bits and is so proud to introduce you to their friends and family. It is so much less draining and stressful. I guess it all depends on your tolerance level with being hidden. I've learned the hard way that it's a red flag. If I'm not proud to be seen with my partner, then I know he's not right for me. If my partner is avoiding introducing me to friends and family, I know it's not going to last...and these scenarios pertain to any relationship not just the interracial ones. It does not matter who she is, what race she is, or what culture she comes from, if she does not want to introduce you to people in her community, it's a red flag.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (8 April 2017):
 If this is a relationship you two both want long term, you need to talk to her about this-what's her end game here? To keep you forever a secret? That's not fair to you, reasonable or sustainable. Does her family know about you yet? If it's been a year+ you need to change that. I think once she gets over the family part, friends will be easy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 April 2017):
 How long have you been dating? If it's only a fairly recent relationship, then I can understand your girlfriend not wanting to introduce you into her community until she knows the relationship is long-term and stable, especially given her fears about the community's reaction. However, if you have been dating a while, then I would suspect she is keeping you in a box away from her main life so she will be able to separate off from you easier when/if she needs to.
How old is your girlfriend? Is she a lot younger than you? (Asking as her actions and worries sound like those of a young person who has not yet learned to stand up for what they want.)
I think, if she is not very young and you have been dating a while and she is still keeping you away from her community, then she probably does not see any long term future for your relationship.
You two need to talk. The fact that she does not see anything wrong with her actions is irrelevant. What is relevant here is that this hurts YOU but she is ignoring that.
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