A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling very confused and trapped in my current relationship with my girlfriend. I’ve been dating her for 2 and a half years, I am 21 and she is 23 years old, if this is any help. I care for her a lot, yet she is simultaneously a very positive and negative element in my life and we are both having a hard time dealing with it. She is extremely well-intentioned, smart, responsible, hardworking, compassionate, and is a wonderful person to share my life with…sometimes. At other times she is prone to extreme mood swings, is very insecure, and she lets me know quite clearly that most of her depressive behaviour is my fault, that I’ve let her down in some way, but it usually comes down to her blaming me for not meeting her constant needs of me showing her my love, spending time with her, reassuring her, etc… She claims she loves me greatly, but I feel a lot more needed than I do loved. To give a few examples, she won’t take no for an answer if she wants to spend time with me, whatever my reasons for not doing so, be it studying for an important test, having already made plans with other people, or simply needing some time alone (which is something I need often, and have always needed, and I don’t mean time away from her, I mean time dedicated to just myself, taking walks, that kind of stuff… in order for me to charge batteries). She’ll expect me to cancel everything for her, and this carries the silent threat of her acting out depressively if I don’t, giving me the silent treatment indefinitely until I apologize and fulfill her “unmet need” of me. She has also unfoundingly been suspicious on several occasions of me cheating on her (I wouldn’t event think of it!). I know for a fact that she has had traumatic experiences in her past, especially in her childhood (absent and secretive father, and mentally unstable mother) and I am quite aware she has been a victim of this and has deep issues that will cause her unhappiness until she faces them instead of continuing the cycle, but no matter how I try to help her, she is very secretive and I suspect has a hard time opening herself up to me because I think she is scared I will let her down in the long run (since in her mind I do so all the time). At least on the outside she is utterly convinced that most of her unhappiness has to do with me, and I have a hard time dealing with such a heavy burden. Whenever she goes into one of her silent treatment depressive behaviour cycles, most of the time I panic based on past experience and feel like getting the hell out of there, but I force myself to calm down and be as supportive as I can and eventually we talk about whatever the issue is, but no matter how many times we talk, and no matter how many times I try to help her face her issues and show her I’m there for her giving her support, she always manages to turn things around on me again and makes it seem completely my fault that she is unhappy (and is quite convincing at it!). Half the time I feel like I really need to break up with her and live my own life, and the other half I feel like I need to man up and help her through her issues (which I sort of resigned myself to help her with no matter what in my own mind quite a while ago). The fact that most of our friends are mutual doesn’t help one bit, and the fact that we recently started working at the same place doesn’t either (our contract is for a 10 week campaign, and we both really need the money and couldn’t find anything else with the current recession). The hardest part of the idea of breaking up with her is that I know she would be very alone, and would suffer greatly from this and I can’t bear to cause her any more pain than she already has to live with. I am aware that I have centred on the problematic parts of our relationship just now, however, it is also wonderful in many ways, which makes the whole thing more difficult. I know I might not be a perfect boyfriend, and I know I have made a lot of mistakes, but I know I have always done my very best to be as loving as I can, and the whole relationship feels to me like an abstract cloud of confusion most of time, and this has clouded my judgement sometimes. HELP! (sorry about the length of my post!)
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her past, insecure, money, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Dump her and move on OP. This has disaster and resentment all over it.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 if a girl thinks that a guy is responsible for all her unhappiness.... then the ONLY thing that guy can do is fold up his "Mr Happy".... put it BACK in his trousers... and find a REAL girlfriend who isn't so screwy!!!!
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 If she thought you were the problem, wouldn't she remove the problem? I think this is pouting and finding ways to get what she wants no matter what.
If she is that much of a problem, why don't you remove the problem?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): All of your unhappiness is due to girlfiend, make her your ex-girlfiend and you'll both be happy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Given how you described her parents, I think it's likely that she's predisposed to this complex of behaviours and feelings genetically. Traits like these often run in families. In your girlfriend's case, my best guess is that this is probably just how she is. Barring the use of drugs she'll probably stay that way. If you don't mind that, then by all means continue the relationship. But you're probably deluding yourself if you think that these are just 'issues' you can help her through. Her behaviours are probably far more ingrained than that.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 This girl needs professional help and its not up to you to help her OP. You have been very good with her, maybe even too good, and rather than helping her, that's actually worsened her case. She just needs a vent for her frustrations and someone to blame, and this she has found in you.
But this is not your job, neither is this your responsibility. You have been a good boyfriend and stood by her but she's just continued with her depressive behavior, rather than appreciating your help and looking ahead. She needs help and needs it now. You cannot and should not do anything else, because you too are young and have a life.
Leave her; it might just be the biggest favour you do for her and your yourself. Let her understand her problems on her own and accept them. So far she is just blindly blaming you for all her insecurities and the longer this continues, the more unhealthy your relationship will keep getting.
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