A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend of 10years has had about 35previous partners an i can't stop thinking about it and 4of them i know. i have these feelings of anger alot i still even think theres more an she is lying an theres a chance she cheated with 2 or 3 aswell im 29 an she is 37 but she was 28 when we met so i think this is 2much im really struggling 2 come to terms or get over it? i find myself drinking alot more as a result an hardly speaking to her during the frequent times i think about these issues, even neglecting my son sometimes because of his mum being a slut an it just makes me feel down all the time an the relationship always suffers as a result.but i just can't stop thinking?she also has 4children with 4 different men including me which don't help an all this before i met her its shocking to think about please give me your thoughts on this shitty situation Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 March 2012):
None of the other aunts and uncles have picked up on the fact that you were 19 when this 28 year old mother of 3 hooked up with you. I think you are being completely unfairly berated. If the roles were reversed I am sure the comments would have been quite different.It sounds like she took advantage of you. I can understand your feelings but can't say if they are completely justified. What has caused your feelings to change? Has your gf done something? I can understand that she may not have been able to remember all of her partners but certainly the guys you know, etc.Sorry to ask, but are you sure you are the father of her 4th child? if so then you have responsibility to him above all else.You have some soul searching to do to work out where you go from here. Talk with your gf but be careful not to be rude to her or judgemental. This is NOT a time for name calling. If your relationship is fundamentally good you can put the negative thoughts in the background but they will never go away totally. Drinking will not help you work this out, quite the opposite in fact.Can you find a friend or family member to talk with? You probably need more help than you can get from DC. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Get out now it will ruin you and haunt you the rest of your life. Trust me I know been there done that, get with someone like you and ask at the start or you will always get done over later on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): "plus she lied about lots of this wen i met her an i found alot of stuff out later so just need to get on with it or get rid???"
This part is crucial. It changes the tone of the whole situation.
You are NOT wrong for feeling this way. You have been taken advantage of. She trapped you into a relationship with someone whose morals conflict with yours. You had the rightful choice to avoid the situation but you were denied that right.
She has the right to be with someone who accepts her. But she does not have the right to tell whatever lies are necessary to get into a relationship with you, and then just expect you to accept the truth later anyway. That is trampling on YOUR rights.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 March 2012):
 Yes: get on with it, or get rid of it.
Don't neglect your son in any way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feedback but i would like to say i love my son very much he gets everything a child could want i meant by neglect was i dont spend enough time with him because i dont really want to be around her its awkward but i am going to be for him as for her she says she was looking for a father figure or something but thats bullshit u dont just hop on cock after cock if thats what your looking for u at least have somekind of relationship weather for 2weeks or 2years to at least find that out an if it dont work fair enough but just sleeping with guys straight away who have no care for u is bein a proper slag plus she lied about lots of this wen i met her an i found alot of stuff out later so just need to get on with it or get rid???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): When did you start having these feelings? I'm wondering since you have been together for 10 years now you say. Were they recent? Why do you think she has cheated on you? I would suggest you go to counseling and discuss all of this because this is a really unhealthy situation for all of you. The drinking and neglecting your son is a major issue which you need to address right away. You can't neglect him because he needs you now and neglect at this age will affect him as a person for his whole life.
If you loved your gf when you met, she is the one you chose to have a family with, then you need to work to get back that feeling and not let the negativity take over your life. Either that or leave the situation, but be there for your son and make sure that you try to cause your gf as little pain as possible if you split up because she has given 10 years of her life to you and your son.
You don't know that she cheated on you so she has been a good partner to you I assume. If you have a good relationship other that your retro jealousy then don't throw this away, be happy for what you have. I believe such a high number of sex partners is a sign of having been abused in the past, you don't know the reasons that lead her to do this and it was all before you and she got together. If you love her this shouldn't be the driving force of your life.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Yeah man either accept it or get out of it. Living with jealousy is ugly and it will get worse if u dont find a solution. Good luck.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 March 2012):
Don't neglect your child because of anything his mother did. He's YOUR child. He counts on you and you have a responsibility towards him, one that should be easy to bear because it's a loving responsibility.
As to her, you can take her as she is or not. Pick one.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 “I find myself drinking a lot more as a result…” please tell me you are not blaming your girlfriend’s behavior before she was your girlfriend on your substance abuse? That my friend is a cop out.
You have been with her ten years and this is just becoming an issue???
You punish the child for the “sins’ of the mother? NICE. MATURE.
YOU KNEW she had 3 kids when you started with her TEN YEARS AGO… why is this an issue now??
And to be honest I’m just going to direct you down to read AuntyEm’s post again… it’s perfect.
Grow up and shit or get off the pot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): . . . And if this O.P. had come to Dearcupid early in the relationship 8 or 9 years ago, how many aunts would have told him, "Don't judge her by leaving her over her past! You will get over it eventually."
We do people a lot more harm than good when we continue to perpetuate the myth that retroactive jealousy is something you "get over".
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (9 March 2012):
 You either accept it or get out of it. You have no other choice. There is something I would like to point out to you. If you read dear cupid regularly, you will see guys like yourself writing in because they have found out they are being cheated on. There are men like yourself writing in because their girlfriends keep on cyber cheating etc. What you have got was in the past, and if you destroy it, you just may end up with a lot lot worse and it will be in the present. Sort yourself out.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 March 2012):
It sounds to me that you've become depressed about this.. you feel like you've ended up with damaged goods, and a woman who isn't worth anything now she's been passed from man to man without any of them wanting her. You've the loser who got the boobie prize.If you look at your g/f in this way it's no wonder you're going through so much pain right now.I'm not saying whether the way you view things is right or wrong, and I'm not going to tell you that you need to change your attitute, because it's not that simple. However there is one thing you need to do, and that is find the confidence, and courage, to decide what you want to do about it.It sounds like you need to make a clean break and move on from this girl, if you can't see things another way. But before you do, you should give it another chance to work on you and your attitutes. Work on your self confidence. Stop allowing this situation to affect your own health. Aren't you worth more than that? Take control of the situation, become stronger and lead in this situation. If you still have this disgust of your woman's past.. you need to do the right thing, and seperate her. That is if she doesn't leave you, first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): My thoughts are that you met an older, very experienced woman with however many children, when you were little more than a kid yourself. And you were probably pretty clueless! And in the following years you have developed retroactive jealousy, resentment and all the trust issues that go along with it. Google retroactive jealousy as it will help you to understand why you feel as you do.
If things are really rotten at home and there is no way to fix it at the moment. It might be better to leave, take a break from the situation and concentrate on yourself until you are able to function properly again.
Alcohol is a mood enhancer. So if you feel happy it makes you happier. If you feel down it makes you more depressed. So drinking probably isnt helping you at the moment. It is just making you feel even worse. If you can lay off alcohol for a while it will really help you to think straight again. Because you cant while you are drinking, you might as well be poisoning yourself! Seriously! Try and cut down or give it up for now.
If you feel REALLY down, you could also be suffering from a degree of depression. So a visit to your doctor might be a good idea just to be on the safe side. And seek some counselling if you can, spend your beer money on that instead. Counselling is always a good idea for anyone suffering from RJ. If you can do any of the above it will help you to overcome how you feel. In order to function properly and be a good dad, you need to fix yourself. Forget your partners past for now and concentrate on you because you sound in crisis. So get YOU fixed up first and while youre doing it, stay very mindful of the fact that your position is not the fault of your child. He didnt ask to be brought into this situation, you brought him into it. So dont make him suffer too. Love him, care for him and be the best dad you can be. I hope you feel better and can fix or leave this relationship soon...for your sake and your childs. All the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): I would find it too much to live with too. You either should dump her, or live with it and stay quiet.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 As I see it, you have two choices; Leave(abandon) OR, realize the world is not all about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): I agree with those posts below me. Either stop whining or leave. But take care of the responsibility you helped create regardless of your staying or going. And grow up.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2012):
 AuntyEm: Thanks for so delicately delivering the message that this OP so desparately needs to hear.... Amen!!!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2012):
 First of all and the most important thing, your responses is to ignore your own son??!? What has he ever done to you? You decide to hurt an innocent child because of how you're feeling.
Next, you've been with your girlfriend for 10 years. She isn't a slut and never has been. Her partners were before you. You are accusing her of cheating without proper proof, and now you're emotionally abusing your son. That is, quite frankly, disgusting.
If you can't handle your GF's past, then break up with her. But you need to love your son more than you've ever even been capable of loving yourself.
Also, what's your sexual history? Were you a virgin when you met your girlfriend? I assume that since you and she have a son, that the two of you have had sex? I assume that given your serious problems with the past history of your girlfriend, that you're willing to practice what you preach, since you're now as "tainted" and "slutty" as your girlfriend, deeming you disqualified from any future relationships for the rest of your life?
You're drinking and blaming your girlfriend because your life is out of control and instead of looking inward and fixing what's wrong with you, you're looking for someone to blame. You've been with your GF for 10 years, plenty of time to react to her past history. Stop copping out on your life, or you'll be blaming everyone else for your spiral of shame.
And love your son above all else! Doesn't matter who his mom is...he is YOUR son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Wow, she's been around a bit and your caught up with her because you have a child together. So, either you didn't know her history before she conceived, or you didn't care?
I don't know if she recently confessed her past but it clearly bothers you, which comes as no shock. Especially as you know some of them. Its up to her how she lives her life, its up to you if you stay.
However, your son is the most important person here, the atmosphere he is being raised in (and the other 3) is really awful, you drinking won't help the situation.
Can you leave,take your son,make a fresh start together? Will your family help ? Thats the route I would take, I wouldn't leave him where you wouldn't want to stay.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Im going to be blunt...and brutal!!
The only shitty thing about this situation is YOU.
You have known this about her for 10 years. You knew she had other kids from different men and yet it wasn't a problem then...so why is it now?
I wonder if you smoke cannabis? Do you work? Do you have any other interests and hobbies other than sitting around drinking and blaming your partner for your issues and problems and NOT taking any rational responsibility for them yourself!!
You have some serious growing up to do and you obviously have a huge problem about prioritising your life.
I would not be surprised if this woman has supported and paid for you and your son, as well as her other kids. She surely has been good enough for the last 10 years and now you are building up some kind of vendetta against her because you probably have no goals of life direction yourself.
As jeremy Kyle says...You need to grow a pair of balls, quit drinking and start taking care of your child. If you are unhappy with your partner then quit whining about it and leave. You come across and very pathetic and weak and you really need to get a grip because you have a little boy who needs you to be there for him.
As for your partner...YOU CHOSE HER!!! and YOU CHOSE TO STAY FOR 10 YEARS. You knew her past so it's a little late to start complaining now and seriously, nobody is going tofeel sympathy for you because it is your own fault that you feel this way.
What is truly shocking is the fact that you have stayed...with all the crappy disrespectful feelings you are harbouring about her...THAT is the shocker!!!!
Grow up and start taking responsibility for your life.
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A
female
reader, Risingstar624 +, writes (9 March 2012):
Sounds to me like you need to determine what you are actually mad at her about. You discuss how she has had multiple partners and that you think she cheated on you? Also the fact that she has 4 children with different men.
If you think that your issue with her is the fact that she may have cheated on you, discuss it with her. These harsh feelings of anger and hurt are hampering your relationship and are causing an unnecessary strain. There are two facts, either she cheated on you and you can relieve you anger and hurt. Or she did. If she did you need to think to yourself if you are willing to continue in an angry hurtful relationship with her, or start fresh with someone else.
As for the 35 partners thing I would try not to judge her about it. What happened has happened and what you need to think about now is that she is with YOU. And has apparently been with you for quite some time. She can't change her past, so its unfair of you to look down on her because of it. She can however show you that you are who she chooses to be with now.
The children there is also nothing that you can quite do about it. If you didn't know about them before the relationship then look back at your reason for why you stayed rather than leaving her. And if you did know this when you started dating then it is unjust to judge her on it now.
My suggestion? Make a list of all the things that you love about her, the little things (ex: the way she sounds when shes asleep) and why you love her and love to be around her. Take a good hard look at that list and think to yourself if the pros outweigh these bad feelings that you have. if at the end of the day you just can't get over these issues, then i think that you should end the relationship. You should not remain with someone who makes you unhappy and who makes your daily life stressful. If she is causing you to drink that is a warning sign for me that this relationship is toxic. Talk to her first and try to salvage your love, go on a trip, do something together like go for a walk and talk out your problems. Women can't read minds. We don't know that you guys think like this and if you don't tell us how can we reassure you? But like i said, if the relationship has run its course, seek out someone new that you know you wont have these issues with.
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