A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So im really confused. Before lockdown I was in FWB with this guy. However lately we are not sleeping toegther. Last time we just cuddled. He was fine but later messaged saying this is how feelings develop and wasnt ok with it because he cant commit right now. Since this we haven't slept together however the amount of contact we have is getting a bit ridiculous. I mean i like it but I actually feel closer to him now we are not having sex. We talk every day for hours...hes my first message in morning and last when go to bed. We facetime few times a week for 2 to 3hours. He makes me laugh and he says he really likes talking to me. I've broached the subject of whats going on he says its casual sex however he's turned down sex several times now. I was thinking he doesnt even want to sleep with me anymore and has gone off me. My friend however thinks its weird he's not sleeping with me but messaging me all time and says she doesn't understand what he's now getting out situation and thinks its effort for just sex. She also says hookups dont factime for hours on end..we.like just facetime when cooking to chat and do stuff at same time or just sit and talk. He sends me little messages throughout the day just seeing how my days going and he checks ive driven safe home from work and remembers little stuff im doing and instantly asks how it was. I had really bad day other day and he sat up on phone with me crying to him and was actually super nice and supportive and he had to be up at 6am aswell then messaged me to see if i was feeling OK next day. I have feelings for this guy always have to be honest and shouldnt really ever have entered a hookup situation as I already had feelings for him but I knew he didnt want relationship and it started off just sleeping together. Ive directly asked him if hes met someone as I thought maybe thats why he's stopped sleeping with me he assures me he hasn't. I know hes been badly hurt in past and he just keeps telling me he cant let himself have feelings and doesnt expect me to wait around for him and he needs to sort himself out first before he can think about a relationship. So I get that so why stop sleeping with me? I thought he'd totally gone off me and didn't even just want sex. But why constantly talk to me. My friend thinks he'd just drop me and wouldnt speak to me if this was case. Obviously now because of lockdown I can't see him anyway. we send eachother lite joke things and i do like having someone to talk to like about anything and he tells me if hes having bad day and we talk about it and if something good happens he instantly phones or texts me and we just like phone eachother if we are walking somewhere just to chat. Ive suggested to him we could be mates and have suggested us going out places ..he says he considered but said we both know it wouldnt be friends and it would be dating and feels like a relationship if we did that. Hes happy for us to go out for meals and drinks and get takeaways but its like he freaks out ive told him i know its just casual. I know its just casual sex but im so confused as to why hes been turning down sleeping together but continually messaging me. He could of just been getting sex. when we literally were just sleeping togther we didn't message very much and certainly not factime infact im not convinced initially he'd of answered a factime and im shocked he didnt run a mile when I broke down crying but he was actually very nice and I dont know seemed to care. Hes made it very clear hes not my boyfriend thougn..he seems to feel the need to point this out lately. Like I said i feel now we're not sleeping toegther closer to him and i dont know hes become a bit of emotional support even though that sounds really stupid ..if somethings happened or I'm stressed at work hes the person I turn to even if its just by facetime or message and hes just there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2020): FWB usually hookup same time next week. And chat briefly to confirm the date and a little dirty talk. (how my one and only went for 2 years) -- They're supposed to be uncomplicated maybe explore things you wouldn't do with a keeper. Good therapy for the 2 of you.
Yours is way complicated. Either dump him or accept him as a non sexual guy buddy. Something not right with him, couples who have a history usually have sex till they split. If anyone cuts it off it's the girl. He put the toothpaste back in the tube.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 November 2020):
 I have extracted a few things from your post which, to me at least, make it obvious what is going on here:
The first is, "he cant commit right now". This is a line people (not just guys) have used over the decades to keep someone "on hold". The "right now" bit gives the other party hope for the future. They dream of better days to come, when the object of their obsession will finally be ready to commit. The thing is, that day may come but the likelihood is, he will commit to someone else, not the person who has been patiently, but pointlessly, putting their life on hold.
Another thing which stood out was "I have feelings for this guy always have to be honest and shouldnt really ever have entered a hookup situation as I already had feelings for him but I knew he didnt want relationship and it started off just sleeping together." You settled for what few crumbs he was willing to throw you, thinking this was your "gateway" into a committed relationship with him. You have since found out this is absolutely not the case. He has backed off. While you may feel "close" to him, he makes a point of reminding you that you are not in a relationship.
"I know hes been badly hurt in past and he just keeps telling me he cant let himself have feelings and doesnt expect me to wait around for him and he needs to sort himself out first before he can think about a relationship." This is the oldest "fob off" in the book. I have even used it myself in the past when I have wanted to shake off a persistent ex. If he saw a future with you, he would have worded this differently. He would have asked you to be patient, asked for your help in sorting out his feelings, asked you to wait. He did exactly the opposite.
Lastly, "Hes made it very clear hes not my boyfriend thougn..he seems to feel the need to point this out lately". Sweetheart, when someone makes a point of reiterating that you are not in a romantic relationship - repeatedly in this case - YOU NEED TO LISTEN.
My crystal ball (lol) tells me what will happen here is this: he will keep in close contact during this current uncertain time, when his options are limited with regard to meeting other (for him, "more suitable") females. Once we are free to have normal social contacts again, he will meet someone else and, guess what? His pain and fear about having feelings will magically vanish and he will throw himself whole-heartedly into this new relationship. You, meanwhile, will be left heartbroken, pining for a relationship which only existed in your dreams. If you say anything to him, he will - again - remind you that he is not your boyfriend.
I'm sorry but none of what you write points towards this guy giving you anything you want from him. Do yourself a favour and start weaning yourself off the regular contact. Baby steps. Take a little longer to respond than normal. Don't contact him about everything going on in your life. Start to stand on your own two feet. It will not be easy but it will make the final separation easier.
We can't have everything we would like in this life. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and look in a better place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2020): He has removed the element of sex, and has officially and exclusively become a friend. He's trying to set you free!
He's not a fool, he knows you're becoming emotionally-attached in a romantic-sense. This will spell trouble when he's ready to seek a truly romantic-relationship in the near-future; or just date other females. Your connection was founded on casual-sex; and that's not the way you begin a meaningful love-connection. You settled for what you could get; knowing he didn't want a relationship. In these kinds of situations, it just gives the guy sex on-demand; when he's tired of looking for it, or he's having a dry-spell in his dating-life. When he has an itch, he knows where to get it scratched.
He's slowly and strategically distancing himself; because you're becoming clingy, and your lengthy post is evidence of it. It's not what he wants with you. He is trying to gently shake you loose, and be a nice-guy about it. He probably has his eyes on someone; but that's none of your business. Why would he admit it to you? Just so you'll pout and weep, and bring drama into the situation? You'll get jealous and emotional. He won't know what to do with you, or how to handle you; if he does happen to find himself a prospective love-interest. The first thing she'll want is for him to dump you! You've cried and poured-out your secrets and emotions to him. Treating him like a boyfriend. That was a signal and his cue..."whoops, she's catching feelings, and I'm outta here!!!"
You had an agreement, it was sex without strings attached. You thought you could slowly bring him around. Let's all be FWBs! Well, this is how it always ends! He hopes you'll voluntarily give-up in frustration, or quiet shame. Dry-up like a fall-leaf, and just slowly drift-away! The objective is to put distance between you free of any drama; and hope you'll readjust to the new terms of friendship.
His eyes were wide-open the whole-time! You're not pulling the wool over his eyes; he's pulling the wool over yours! I don't care how nice he is about it...ever heard the biblical-reference "wolf in sheep's clothing?" He's a *kind-hearted* "player." Enjoying the rewards of intimacy and tenderness that usually requires commitment in return; while acting under the guise of being a close-friend...who just so happens to like having sex with you!
The novelty has worn-off. The vagina has become too familiar. He has always reminded you that he doesn't want a serious committed-relationship...not yet, or with you. It was only supposed to be for sex. Well, now the dynamics have changed. You are becoming platonic-friends. Unfortunately, that's not how you want to see it. Thus, your post to DC!
Women are easily fooled by the *kind-hearted* player type. He's romantic, sweet, considerate; and he's the kind of guy every woman imagines she wants for a boyfriend. Butter won't melt in his mouth. He's suave, and slick as greased-pig! You'll never get a good grip on him! When he feels smothered, cornered, or things start getting too lovey-dovey; his fight-or-flight instinct kicks-in, and he bails-out! He will do it ever so gently; and inject a slow and painless poison. You won't even feel it, or see it coming! Next thing you know, he's seeing someone else.
I suggest that you start weaning yourself off this guy. He got a head-start, he's already over the FWB setup! You've become emotionally-dependent; and you're doing everything you can out of desperation to make him feel for you, what you're feeling for him. The infatuation was always there, and he sensed it; but he doesn't want to look like a low-down dirty-dog for taking advantage of it. He genuinely likes you, but he doesn't want you for his girlfriend. The old "I've been hurt" excuse is a pile of stinking bull manure! It's amazing women still fall for that! What about your feelings? Why'd you allow yourself to do this?
Right now, the sexual-benefit has ceased; and has been removed from the agreement. Now, he just wants to be a friend. Technically, he is rewriting the contract; and changing the grounds on which your friendship was based. Then he can seek a relationship either with someone he has in-mind; or just feel free to pursue someone else, before you start acting like you're his girlfriend.
Take heed to the advice we've given you. Guard your heart, and save yourself from inevitable heartbreak. You broke the rules, you caught feelings!!! If you were younger, I'd attribute this to youthful-naivete; but you were trying to manipulate this guy into a relationship. He was always wise to your plot! He knows you're a sweet person; so he's trying to detach without causing big drama, or looking like an anal-orifice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2020): I call this dodgy behaviour but not out of character behaviour as you were quite happy to settle in a FWB.
It was a no-go from the start.
You seem to value yourself according to the sex which is not abnormal in this era.
However you have mentally committed yourself to someone who has set the rules of non commitment.
Is there any reason you can think of why not to allow yourself to be strung along?
I think you can't particularly justify 'why not' and it eases your ego to think that he finds you devastatingly sexy.
Perhaps you need to reconstruct your whole set of values, about the way you see yourself and value yourself and vice versa.
I'm sure you have reasons for allowing this situation to continue but I sense that ideally you would like a relationship with someone that you could call your own and someone that you could rely on.
At the moment this guy has exercised every cop out clause he can think of while he draws you into his web so that you don't know your own value or set of values any more.
He's there in the morning with a happy text.?That takes less than ten seconds.
He's there at night.
But he's not there is he?
He is virtually there!
Almost as if you are part of a long running virtual reality computer game.
And you feel closer.
But he has put a block on the sex.
I feel he is being manipulative.
You could be his favourite booty call, just on temporary hold while he attempts to win the jackpot of his favourite game: pulling birds.
Like a clay pigeon shoot there's always another bird to follow.
I don't think this is unusual in this day and age but he has staked his corner well!
He has set his rules and plays his game and you are confused!
Why doesn't he want sex?
Because he can get it elsewhere!
I think that you are probably totally unaware of his other conquests.
Do you think a guy who was getting what he wanted would put it all on hold if he didn't have other options.
I know you cried and he listened.
Who wouldn't think a little bit of consolation time wasn't worth it for a booty call on hold.
I feel unkind even suggesting it to you as you seem so very invested in him.
Just leave a tiny element of doubt in your mind for your own protection.
Worse case scenario is that you work yourself up into believing that 'he is the one' and he kindly reminds you that it only ever was FWB and he had a partner in the wings whom he is marrying and holding a reception for and his mates are all picking from a gift list for their happy life together and you are left crying alone.
You are a secret for a reason!
You are playing his game to his rules.
Just be sure to keep your own sense of self.
Drop him back if you dare to.
Don't let yourself get drawn in further.
Remind yourself why you are a decent person who doesn't deserve to be played.
Remember that if you start as FWB then you end as FWB and it's all understood that you don't mind at all.
Many have been played before you.
It's all very clever to make you into the FWB girl but you are a real person with real emotions who would like a proper relationship with a man who is prepared to plan a future with you.
If you could go cold turkey on him it would perhaps do you good in the long run.
If you can't then I suggest you start by adjusting your frame of mind bit by bit.
He is creating a dependency in you for him!
He is his own exclusion zone.
Perhaps you could start by asking yourself which qualities you admire in a man!
Faithfulness maybe? That's not FWB material!
A faithful man makes it quite clear that he intends to be faithful and desires the same commitment from you.
Maybe you want good husband material.
Something along the lines of kindness and companionship and compassion.
Ideally you should be the honey pot that your man can't live without (technically).
Perhaps you could try to be a little less available.
Enjoy it while it lasts if that's what you want.
But know that this is more a question of you clutching at straws than true love blowing in the wind!
And while you think that you are drawing closer by him listening to you crying on the phone late at night before he gets up early for work...well he may be mentally clocking that you are getting increasingly demanding and harder to handle.
He may even be complaining to his mates how you are getting out of hand.
So please remember that it's just possible that he is trying to give you the boot as kindly as can be.
Try thinking of the down side of this guy.
Try to see him as selfish and manipulating and a little bit callous.
Try imagining that your relatives who went before you would like to clock him on the nose for misleading you!
And find a little bit of steel to your heart so that you can feel only contempt for his version of love.
Don't break down over this.
You can still be a booty call!
You can still talk to him on the phone if you must.
But nuture that little seed of doubt that allows you to view his actions through the eyes of others so that should you need the resilience in you, then you will find it.
A FWB is supposed to be able to just shrug it off when it's over and not to complain that they caught feelings.
It's better to catch feelings at the beginning when the ground rules are being established!
And make sure that the guy you have your eye on is proper boyfriend material!
I know you are shocked and asking yourself how people could possibly be so cruel!
It's a good question.
And please feel free to doubt me.
It's just the way I see it and I don't want you to be unprepared if this guy is going to drop his bomb on you that it's all over, it only ever was FWB, he's already ended the sex and never thought you would claim emotional connection as he thought you knew what you were doing.
Remember that when one guy goes, there will always be another ready to come!
But you must establish the ground rules together before you get entangled one day.
Things like:I need a high level of commitment before I'm ready to share my body!
I want to actually have a family one day.
I want the whole works.
Honesty is very important to me.
Yes you are damn sexy but I need so much more than that!
Or just muddle along like so many of us do these days as even marriage is impermanent!
But if you FWB be prepared to drop them like a tennis racket when the game is over!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2020): To me this seems like guilt on his part.
He knows you have feelings for him. He has stopped having sex with you because he doesn’t feel the same way and he’s trying to wean you off him hoping that eventually you will loose your feelings for him if he isn’t intimate with you. Men aren’t stupid they know that woman attach feelings through sex. He hoping that by not having sex with you, your feelings will dissipate.
He is still friends with you because he feels guilty. Probably feels like it’s his fault and doesn’t like hurting anyone. But don’t take this as you are special and he cares so much about you that he doesn’t want to hurt you. Guilt has more to do with the person who is feeling it rather than the other person. He’s alleviating his own guilt for himself - not you.
Not that he’s a bad guy because he isn’t. You agreed to FWB with him and led him to believe that is all it was. Now he has realised that isn’t the case he feels guilty (not that he should).
You need to accept reality. Accept that he isn’t your boyfriend, he does not want a relationship with you and let him go. Don’t even be friends with him because it is hurting both of you and will eventually become toxic.
I can tell your very upset and I feel for you, but If you don’t let him go fully you are hurting yourself even more. Cut him out of your life completely. But to be able to do that - you need to ACCEPT the situation for what it is not for what you want it to be/hope it will be.
Don’t even be friends with him because your friendship is fake. You are friends with him because you are hoping he will fall madly in love with you (won’t happen). He is friends with you because he feels guilty completely cutting you out and to get rid of his guilt (won’t happen). He will eventually resent you. You will end up even more hurt.
Chin up. You will eventually find someone who does want to be with you and you will look back on this situation as a lesson learnt.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 November 2020):
 I would not put my hopes up too high, if I were you. I think this guy has been crystal-clear about what he does NOT want, i.e. a relationship with you. I also think that , if now he is more chatty and affectionate, that is, at least in part... the Covid effect. Think about it: now, I don't know how severe is the lockdown in your area, if there's a curfew etc., but it is reasonable to assume that his normal habits have been modified and his normal freedom of movement has been restricted. He can't go around sowing wild oats if he wishes, partying , meeting new people whenever he wants. Also, lots of people now don't even go to work, but have to work from home ( or are temporarily unemployed ). Boredom sets in, and if one has someone like you, a kind of loyal groupie who is always ready to entertain him and help him pass the time, she becomes very useful*in times of pandemic *.
Let everything go back to normal, or semi-normal, as we all hope it will happen soon...and I would bet that also this warm , cozy friendship will cool down a lot- when he will have time and ways to pursue other sexual, recreational and romantic venues.
This is just a surmise of mine, and I could be wrong-nevertheless, I'd be very cautious in not investing too many emotional energies into this "thing ": the bottom line is that he made it very clear that he is not your boyfriend, and lately he has being pointing that out repeteadly. So... fprewarned is forearmed, right ?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 November 2020):
 I think that this relationship has entered the friend zone. The feelings of wanting more are on your part, and i think he can sense this.
He has felt the need to highlight the fact that he is not your boyfriend and you are going to have to accept the fact that he is never going to be.
He say's he has been hurt in the past, then say's he does not expect you to wait around for him to sort himself out before he embarks on another relationship. I think in that sentence he is making it clear he does not see a future relationship with you.
I don't think he is in to you, and he just likes the company of having someone to talk to, and share jokes with.
Personally i think you should cut ties with him and get on with your life.
Or keep seeing him as a casual friend, knowing you have feelings for him, then get heartbroken when he meets someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 November 2020):
 He stopped with the sex because he WANTS the "GF-experience" but he doesn't want you to catch feelings. I think he sensed after the "cuddle session" that you were into it and maybe reading more into it than intended.
Or he stopped with the sex because he doesn't want to accidentally knock you up.
I think it's pretty clear that he isn't looking to date you. Not now nor ever.
He also get the company, the ego stroke when talking to you. So he will hold on to you UNTIL he finds a girl he WANTS to date, when he is "READY" to date.
SO HE has been CRYSTAL clear about how HE feels, you have to decide if you can KEEP your emotions in check and ONLY see him as a "casual friend" (because it's not FWB any more) or if you want a BF. If you want a BF, HE isn't it. He's told you that in SO many ways.
Do you get out of this "friendship" what you really want? Or not... Up to you. He pretty much left the ball in your court.
I don't know why you are so confused here , I think it's kinda logical.
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