A
female
age
30-35,
*ynniebae
writes:I've been seeing this guy for a couple months now. We made it very clear we do not want a relationship with each other. It is just friend with benefits kind of thing. We are really good friends and we're not sleeping with anyone else. Last night we went out and got very drunk. We had sex. Later we drank some more and talked. I said I wanted to have sex again. He said im not getting anymore sex from him that he was tired. I said not from you .. implying I was going to sleep with someone else. He grabbed me by my throats and started choking me telling me to take it back. I shook my head yes and he stopped. Then as I tried to get my breath back he kissed me and said he was sorry. Why did he do that ? I don't understand why that would make him mad when we are not in a relationship. He's never put his hands on me like that no matter how bad we argued. I don't understand why he did that??
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 March 2017):
 Wow so he chokes you and you wonder why he done this? Really? You should not be wondering why you should be blocking and deleting all his details and telling him never to contact you again. This is violence and you should not tolerate it.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 March 2017):
 100% Doesn't matter why. Cut him out of your life today.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): Block him don't see him again. If someone chokes someone it's always the biggest physical indicator that they may kill them. It is in police statistics, at least in UK, highest proportion of dead among those who had reported that their partner had choked them instead of punching or other method. Just say on the phone that this arrangement is over and you will not see him or talk to him again because he choked you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 February 2017):
 Why did he do it?
Because he is an ass! And an ABISUVE ass to boot when drunk. I don't care that you challenged him about finding sex from someone else, no matter how CRUDE that is - he shouldn't have put his hands on you. He was showing you that he sees you as HIS "Hole" to poke, no other dudes. As in he OWNS you... NOTHING to do about love or caring deeply for you.
This is not OK and I wouldn't give a SINGLE F about "oh he was drunk" and you "hurt his manhood"... No, what about next time when you say something he doesn't like? And he DOESN'T let go? Do you have ANY idea how little control this guy has? What he could do to you drunk.... OR sober?
Sorry, I think you need to LET HIM GO! and find someone else to have casual sex with.
And the fact that you two also ARGUE badly? What's the point of that? He is an FWB - which should make this a very uncomplicated thing.
For your own safety, CUT him off. And DO not get drunk with him again if you keep him as a "friend".
And while I DO agree with both Cindy and Ruby about NOT telling a guy you are having sex with that you will "just" go elsewhere it's a pathetic attempt to manipulate a guy into doing what you want, it can also cause a situation you don't want. Whether you INTEND it or not. IT IS OK to THINK before you speak. However, with that said I don't think you could have anticipated he would actually try and physically harm you over it. But there is it. NOW you know.
And hopefully, you also know that this guy is NOT safe.
Physical abuse doesn't have a set pattern. Something happens and it starts. IF he is doing this with someone he is "friends" with and having casual sex with - he will DO it again. It's a matter of when and a matter of NOT being there when he does!
OP, you don't need to analyze his behavior deeply, you need to PAY attention and STOP being alone with him.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (28 February 2017):
Cindy's hit it right on the nose...
This guy behaved like this because
a) you criticised his sexual performance by saying that you were unsatisfied by him
b) he was drunk
c) he is a mean drunk
End your FWB with him - one episode of physical aggression should be more than enough reason.
And if you go on to have another FWB relationship - don't bring up sex with other men even if it's part of the arrangement that you can both sleep with other people or it was supposed to be a joke. It's always a blow to the guys ego - they don't always retaliate with aggression but it still hurts them.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2017):
 Banal answer,...but probably not too off the mark : because he was DRUNK and he is a "mean " drunk. Alcohol releases inhibitions and in some people brings out in the open dark,violent impulses that they can keep on check when sober.
He was annoyed AND drunk, so he showed his annoyance by tryng to choke you. Now I guess you want to know why he was annoyed if you two are just fwbs etc.etc. And I suspect that the answer you'd like is," because deep down he cares about you as more than fuck buddies ".
No, it's not that.
You challenged him, at least that's the way he saw it. You tried to take him down a peg by implicitely questioning his virility and his ability to satisfy you . As the Neanderthal man that he is,... he cannot allow that, so he has to ( almost literally ) make you choke on your words.
I think you'd be wise to give him his walking papers and find another playmate to play with. This may be the first time that he puts his hands on you- but once is enough- for most sensible people, physical abuse is an instant, ultimate dealbreaker. Plus you say that even before that ,you have argued other times- ask yourself if what you get from him ( sex, but not enough to satisfy you ) is really worth the aggravation. If all you are looking for is some casual fun, I bet there are tons of guys who would be happy to cooperate- minus the arguments and the violence.
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