A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a married female looking for some help. This is going to sound crazy but I have always had a high sex drive.I met my husband and everything was great. We had two kids, and he is such a good man. Provides well, if I had to honestly rate him in bed, it would be about a 8-9 out of ten.I occasionally travel for work though, and I have cheated on him. Over the past 8 years, I have cheated on him maybe 8 times? I usually travel for work about once a year. I go out with my work friends, and drinking is usually involved. Before I know it, a guy hits on me and if I find him attractive we end up having a one night stand. I know it's not fair to him and I don't know why I do it. He's not mean, he satisfies me sexually; but I married pretty young (23). He was 26. Sometimes I feel like I never got to live the single life. That's not his fault though.The only flaw I have ever seen in him was when we were engaged he admitted to meeting with an old flame while he went home to visit family. He claims nothing happened, but lied to me about it. I only found out after seeing a message from her asking to meet up for lunch. He said they met for lunch but that was the extent. That they had been best friends for years and partEd amicably. Since, he has cut all contact with her at my request, and begged for forgiveness for lying.Why do I continously do that to myself and him? The people I confide in, tell me to be honest with him. He would be devastated...and not to mention it would ruin our entire family. I am on travel for work now, and have managed to push aside those urges even after being hit on by multiple men. Is this something I can overcome and should I tell him about my prior cheating? The last one was about 6 months ago.
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best friend, engaged, married woman, one night stand, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (1 August 2017):
How would you feel if your husband cheated you once every year?
I'm not saying you should come clean, but just think about how would you feel if he ever did the same thing to you.
If that ever happens, you don't have the right to make his life miserable.
A
male
reader, bill thomas +, writes (5 July 2017):
Instead of cuckolding the man you profess to love how about you come clean and stop being a selfish human being. How would you feel if this happened to you.
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A
male
reader, Nathan!!! +, writes (31 March 2017):
A lot of people do what you have been doing. It is good to be honest, but how will your husband react? Do you think he would leave you? If so would you want to be without him? There is a lot to think about. I can ask so many questions, but suggestions can only come after responses.
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A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (6 March 2017):
OP what sort of marriage do you want? One where you are faithful to your husband when you are near him but you have sex with other men when you travel for work? In this case you have no marriage. Marriage is based on love and commitment and being faithful when you are with him and away from him. If you are not nurturing and growing your marriage it is then dying. You have had sex with 8 other men could this be because of insecurities. Your unfaithfulness is known by other people, what happens if a male work colleague who knows what is happening tells you to have sex with him or he will tell your husband? How you answer this will tell you about your moral integrity. You may need to go to a trained counsellor not someone you know etc, they will be able to talk you through the issues. Good luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2017):
 Make no mistake, it is only a matter of time before he DOES find out, and he *will* find out. It's amazing how non-anonymous anonymous sex actually is! I don't agree with what you're doing, so I'm not going to help you hide your tracks, but they are glaring, and your time *is* coming. It may not be today, or this month, or this year! It's possible that you could stop right now and never cheat again, but it's going to come out.
The question is, in the light of this absolute certainty, do you want your husband to hear it from you? Or do you want to have him hear it from, say, a co-worker who is sick of watching you betray him (since you say you go out drinking with your co-workers and pick up guys)? Do you have ANY idea how many of your work friends could turn on you?? We see it ALL the time - co-workers or relatives who are seething watching their associates cheat on their spouses, maybe because they were the innocent spouse, or worse, the devastated child whose mother or father wrecked the family and broke the other parents' heart.
Don't believe me? Do a search, and you'll find out not only these players who seethe on the sidelines, but those who WERE the cheaters who got caught by someone writing and email, Facebook, text, or call (or even postcard anonymously) the innocent spouse and say "I can't stand to watch her do it to you anymore!". Those with other motives such as work grievances have all the ammo to destroy your career or at least your reputation because of your actions. And this is also where a double standard lies: women still pay a higher career and social price for things like this, even now.
Stop making excuses. You are either single, or married. If you want to "live the single life", then become single! But if you want to be married, live with some moral integrity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2017): "I wouldn't tell him about it, what good can come of that? Continue or quit if you wish, but take that to the grave. Knowing will only hurt him and probably ruin your family."Cheaters get so concerned about their spouses and children when it stands to benefit them, instead of spoil their fun. Where was that concern all the times they were cheating? The husband has the right to know. No excuses. It doesn't matter whether (the cheating wife) thinks it would be better or worse if he finds out. She has no right to make that decision.
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A
male
reader, ihelpyou +, writes (1 March 2017):
I wouldn't tell him about it, what good can come of that? Continue or quit if you wish, but take that to the grave. Knowing will only hurt him and probably ruin your family.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): You should stop sleeping around-- eventually you'll get caught or you'll catch an STD and get caught.
I don't think you have to confess; he might leave you if you do, but do stop sleeping around.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): "As for being honest with your husband, I will only say this - you dug and dug to get to the truth of his seeing an ex. Why does he now deserve you lying every day to him?"
This.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017): OP here. Thanks for the honesty in the answers. I am sorry if it sounded like I was making excuses. I am not. I know I am guilty and no excuse makes up for that.
I seem to have a handle on it this go around, and I'm just going to make a conscious choice to avoid putting myself in those situations as best I can, until I can have more self control.
I really do love him, and the thought of losing him and/Or losing my kids is torture... not with the ONS.
I arranged for the in laws to watch the kids and I'm flying him out here where I am for the weekend. If i were a better person, I would confess and try to move on; but I'm sadly not. I am going to stop and be better for him...but if I slip up and continue, then u will have no choice but to tell him. Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (28 February 2017):
 Quit lying, and quit cheating. It's not fair to your husband or kids.
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A
female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (28 February 2017):
Honesty is key for any successful relationship/marriage but i think you definitely should not tell your husband about your business trips adventures cause it will ruin not only your marriage but also children.
I think the fact that you're admitng and seeking help means that you're not a natural born cheater nor doing it intentionally, therefore you should work on controling your drive and prioritizing your family over any passing urge. I'm sure you can do it. Yes you were married young and this might be psychological curiosity more than anything else. But plz put in mind that exploring your sexuality outside your wedlock might have serious consequences like getting a disease or ruining your marriage.
Since you admit doing it and feel bad about it shows your intention in rectifying your mistakes and doing the right thing. You can do it. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2017): It's funny how when it's the woman who cheats, they alomst expect a certain amount of sympathy. If this were a man's confession, he'd be demonised. Not that I'm saying responders here are sticking up for you, it's just an generalisation I've noticed over the years.I'm not purposely attacking you here, but it sounds like you have a controlling element to your personality. Why was your husband so afraid of you knowing that he was going to meet an ex, who is now a good friend? Anything that innocent shouldn't have to been hidden in the first place. Yes it's a delicate situation, but you have to trust him. Or is it because that you knew yourself to be untrustworthy and by extension you found it difficult to trust him?You basically have your man where you want him while you have your fun. Yes, you feel guilty, rightly so, but trying to justify it the way you have isn't going to work.As youwish says, you need to stop and only you can do that. Stop now. And the next time you manage to succesfully go away without cheating, breath a sigh of relief and then try again the next time. Keep your sexual deviances a secret while you are no longer cheating.But if it happens again, then you have a problem that you need to get fixed. Telling will probably be part of the resolution. Yes, it's going be devastating, but- as women will tell men- you made your bed, you have to sleep in it.It's easy to almost brush aside a random one night stand that happened out of circumstance, a glitch in one's judgement. It's not right, but it's life, it happens to some people. But to keep repeating the mistake...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2017):
Sorry, but you're having sex with everything on two legs, and you invoke his having a lunch with an ex before you married as an excuse??
You're an oathbreaker several times over! You're not just devastating him, you're devastating your children! You are sleeping with other men because you're LOOKING for other men! You were married at 23, not 17.
What if it were your husband who was sleeping around while you were away on business?? Always someone has a high sex drive, but we also have a semblance of self-control. It's not just our muscles that should be kept in shape, it's our self-discipline and internal fortitude that needs keeping in line.
You've given no justification for what you're doing, and you're putting your husband at risk for an STI and you at risk for pregnancy because of what you are doing, as no form of birth control is 100% effective.
Don't go places where you get hit on, end of story. Like an alcoholic has no place at a bar, you need to get away from places where guys are looking for ONS's. They make sex toys for just this sort of thing, and you stay true to your wedding vows.
As for being honest with your husband, I will only say this - you dug and dug to get to the truth of his seeing an ex. Why does he now deserve you lying every day to him?
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