A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years now we are getting married this year... We have had unprotected sex for at least 3 years. If we get pregnant that great if we don’t that is still okay as we are 25 and 26 so there’s time. But his mother keeps on at us for us to get ‘checked out’ all the time. Although i think it’s none of her business but he tells her everything and I’ve just gone on to put up with it no matter what i say he will still tell her. I get on great with her (didn’t at 1st) but time went on and we had a huge row and since then we have been great with each other so its what we needed i guess. I don’t feel embarrassed to talk to her about it i just feel like i shouldn’t have to talk about it as its none of her business. Any way her point is there is a long waiting list and when we do decided now we need to get check out we will be waiting longer she thinks we should just start now and get it sorted sooner rather than later. If we are not worried about it ourselves just yet why should we get ‘checked out’ ?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 So if you are not worried and NOT curious - I'd tell your fiance that ENOUGH about the subject.
Have you two talked about a future without kids?
At 25, kids were the last thing I wanted too. There were so many things I wanted to do and see and having kids would only hold me back (so to speak). So I know where you are coming from. And it's absolutely OK to not really want kids.
If you and your fiance are ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY OK with a childless marriage - that is fine too. I'm just wondering if HE actually DOES want kids and his mom knows it and that is the other reason she keeps bringing it up. Her primary concern... IMHO.. is herself. She wants more grand-kids.
If he however is not on "team kids" he NEEDS to shut her down with her baby talk. IT needs to come from him. And yes, she DOES need to drop the subject if you two are JUST fine with how things are. HER wanting more grand-babies is not really your concern.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 February 2016):
 She's not worried for YOUR sake, she's eager to become a grandmother and thus is worried for her own sake. Which is why she's on your back about this. She'd be really scared if you told her you weren't planning on having kids too, she's probably suggest you see a therapist then or something, hehe. Because her main concern is NOT your health or your relationship/marriage, her concern is her future grandchildren. She wants them. And she's gonna do whatever is in her power to get them. My mom does the same, she was on my brother about getting checked out when they miscarried their first pregnancy, and she's been on my back about getting pregnant since I was 19. It's a pain in the ass and none of her business who I sleep with or when I have kids, thankfully she's calmed down now though. Because I started playing the game back at her telling her to adopt a child because I want a new kid sibling, lol. Also, since my brother had a kid she's calmed down on nagging on me about it.
You'll see, as soon as this woman gets a grandchild, your fertility or possible pregnancies will become a lot less interesting to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi op here.
Female anon – well it wouldn’t be a ‘deal breaker’ for me that is just cruel. I love him whether he can have children or not, I’m not that type of person to just ditch someone because they can’t have children ... there is alot of other options nowadays! & she already has one son who got a child so she already has a grandchild.
Fatherly advice – the reason I’m not going to a doctor is because I’m 25 i still have alot of time and I’m not at a point where i feel worried about it – my MIL is the one worried about it which is annoying me. Yes we live together have been for 2 years.
Honeypie – no I’m not at a point yet where I’m curious. I’m 25 I work full time and I’m just enjoying my life. To be honest I’m not a maternal person so i think if it turned out that I wouldn’t be able to have children I wouldn’t be devastated about it and my fiancé wouldn’t be either we have talked about it. He is not worrying at the moment either.
I just feel his mother shouldn’t be poking her nose in all the time about it. She already has one grandchild it’s not like she doesn’t have any. My mum doesn’t get involved but maybe because she just senses I’m just not very maternal & not that into it. (She doesn’t have any grandchildren) my mum knows not to get involved she would never get involved and I think that’s why me and my mum have such a great relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2016):
I can understand why you feel it's none of her business. But aren't YOU curious? Let's say you CAN'T get pregnant the "conventionally" way, well, if you know NOW there is time to save up for IVF (if kids is something you two want down the line).
3 years of unprotected sex with no pregnancy is ... either very lucky or there is a reason for it.
My Aunt caught chlamydia when she was young, she had no symptoms for a long time and when she met my uncle they both did an std test and it showed up. It also made her unable to have kids. Taking care of your health (reproductive and otherwise health) is the smart thing to do.
I would also sit the fiance down, and tell him ENOUGH of sharing intimate details with his mom. That is really what I would call OVER-SHARING.
If you DO go get tested I would not involve the MIL in it. If the results are that you CAN have kids and everything is fine, tell her if you want to, don't tell her if you don't.
Or you can bury your head in the sand and do nothing. It's your life, do what you feel it right.
What does your fiance want to do?
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A
male
reader, atomic2016  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 I see two main issues here.The first is a relationship involving 3 parties.There is no problem involving "mummy" in the equation but for all intents and purposes two young consenting adults need a certain level of privacy in the relationship and boundaries should always be defined between priviliged and non priviliged detail especially your sex life can be a very sensitive area.So bottom line is make boundaries in what you should share and also agree and accept the limits you have set.The second issue emanates from the 1st bieng both you guys have or had no problem in your sex life and having a baby at this moment in time.If you decide to extend the boundary to mom its obvious she will advice you the best way she knows how.Obviously she is doing it out of love and concern.So sit down with hubby and tag issues for just the two of you and issues you can share with other family members
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2016):
 Your MIL gave you a good advice, and it is still a good advice even if you dispute her right ( or her sensitivy ) in advising you about intimate matters.
It's the same advice any doctor would give you. If you have been having unprotected sex since 3 years and nothing ever happened , it's very,very probable that this is due not to sheer chance but to fertility issues on either side.
Now it's true that maybe you do not want children right now so you can afford leaving the issue unexplored, but if in , say, 5 years you change your mind, if there are issues
( which alas is statistically probable ) they won't have been even detected by then, let alone fixed- and it may be a long , time consuming process ; you may end up having children much later than you planned,- or not having them at all.
So, if an advice makes perfect sense , be practical , disregard the source , and whether the source was entitled to advice you or not- and make good use of the advice.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 February 2016):
 Why exactly is it that you are avoiding a doctor? Because someone is pushing you to see one? So you are pushing back because, and only because you are being pushed. Make the appointments for you and your future.
Stop sharing intimate details with MIL. Tell your Fiance to stop as well. Shared intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together. When you share it with someone else, it is no longer intimate. His relationship with mom has too much glue already.
Are you living together in a place separate from him Mom?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 February 2016):
 If you don't want to, then don't.
She cant push you into it obviously; she's just offering her suggestion. If you think there's no hurry then just tell her so politely and ask your boyfriend to talk to his mother about her intrusion into your personal lives. If he can then you just have to.
If on the other hand you think that she has a point and you should yourselves checked then go and get it done.
Either way, what's the problem really?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): Well, i think she wants grandchildren at one point. If she knows you guys are having unprotected sex, and you still did not get pregnant, she has a reason to worry. The only reason you might not get pregnant if you have totally unprotected sex is that there is something wrong either with you or your boyfriend reproductive engine. That is if you guys dont go by calendar, or using condoms.or you are on a pill.3 years is a very long time frame for a young woman like you to not get pregnant if everything works how it supposed to be working.Do you guys want to have kids in a future? And how crucial is it for you to have a family? Honestly, for me it would be a deal breaker if my husband was not able to have kids. I would not marry him.Dont you want to check it just to have a piece of mind?
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